I knew that if I ever had my newspaper, I'd call it "Cassidy's Commentary." Not only am I highly opinionated; I'm a sucker for alliteration. So, here we are! I met with some new friends this afternoon, and discussed my previous blogging on Facebook and on MySpace. I'm hoping that some of my followers on both sites will follow me here, in this more publicly-available forum. So, if you already know me, great! If not, let me tell you a little bit about my story....
I'm 31 years old, and married to my husband, David. We were married in 2005, in the funniest, craziest wedding EVER. Our theme verse for our wedding was truly prophetic about the unpredictable life that we lead:
"However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him"--I Cor. 2:9
Honestly, who picks that for a wedding verse? It's a roller coaster, I tell you! God is a funny God, and He has certainly blessed our lives in many unexpected ways!
After discussing children, we decided in the fall of 2005 to get a dog, Holly. We figured she'd be a great start to practicing for a family. Little did we know that Holly the Boxer was a great first "child." You'll hear about her a lot on this blog, as she's kind of the light of my life. We got Holly in November of 2005, and much to our surprise, discovered we were pregnant in March of 2006. Guess we didn't get much time to "practice" parenting before the real thing came along!Throughout my pregnancy, things were a little chaotic. After I told my employer I was pregnant, they suddenly let me go,leaving us on my husband's income. In the summer, my blood pressure began to go up, so medications were prescribed to reduce my blood pressure. I finally found a wonderful job, but had to wait to begin my position until August, so I spent the summer of 2005 enjoying my pregnancy, and trying to take it easy. 2 days before I began my new position, my husband lost his job after almost 10 years with the company. I was hysterical; I figured that God was ignoring us. Through it all, we were surrounded by a wonderful church family that loved and supported us, and kept us encouraged. I began my new job with a chiropractor in Webster Groves, and quickly realized that I loved my new boss and new responsibilities.
With the baby due in December, and with David looking for a job in earnest, things seemed tight, but good. In October, my regular visits to the OB/GYN began to get complicated, as my blood pressure began to rise. Finally, after an ear-splitting migraine with double-vision, my doctor decided to admit me to the hospital at 32 weeks. We held off for a bit, but Miss Hannah Elizabeth Gayle Cooley made her beautiful debut on October 30, 2006! We were so happy!!!
Two days after I delivered, though, something went terribly wrong with my heart. I developed a fairly rare condition called "peripartum cardiomyopathy," with congestive heart failure and pulmonary hypertension. My heart had swollen to 3x it's regular size, and my lungs were completely full of fluid. The doctors had no idea why or how it happened; all I know, is that I couldn't breathe, and that life hasn't been the same ever since. My left ventricle was functioning at less than 10%; most women that have had the cardiomyopathy to that extent, either die, or need a heart transplant. God was truly watching over me! After a week of a lot of medications, consults, fear, and freak-outs, the doctors let me go home. Hannah, as a preemie, got to come home a week after me, on November 12th, 2006. Truly, it was the happiest day of my life: 
We brought Hannah home, and for a week and a half, our lives were bliss. Thanksgiving was spent with my family, and Hannah got to meet so many wonderful people! The day after Thanksgiving, though, things took a tragic turn. After waking up at 6:00 a.m., Hannah made a cry unlike any other I'd ever heard. I picked her up to feed her, but she refused to eat. David tried to feed her, but she still refused her bottle. I called the pediatrician, and followed her advice; Hannah stopped breathing, and the ambulance was called. She went to the local hospital, and was life-flighted to Cardinal Glennon Children's Hospital; by 1:00 that afternoon, my daughter was in a coma. It took 24 hours for the cultures to come back; Hannah had somehow caught Late-Onset Group B Strep, which caused Bacterial Meningitis to set in. Our beautiful baby girl went home to Jesus on November 28, 2006, at 29 days of age.... My world ended. Counseling...anti-depressants...weight gain...medications...blaming...worrying...being told we'd never have children again...wondering where God was, losing our spiritual place...The first year after Hannah died was the hardest year of my life. I'd drive to work, cry...drive home, cry...David eventually found a job, which was nice, but the tears just never seemed to stop, and no one really knew what to do with me. I read every book on the loss of a child that I could find (incidentally, Nancy Guthrie's were the best I found--they seemed to touch the part of my heart that had completely shut down). I looked up organizations (www.nationalshare.org), blogged my guts out, and tried to function. Slowly but surely, with the help of God, my family, and my church, I began to return to myself again. My boss (who's eligible for sainthood) actually sent me to Landmark Forum, and it was at that point that I truly felt like I could be normal again...and began to try to act like it. Meanwhile, my heart function made it to 35-40%, and we were hoping to be told in November, 2007, that we'd be allowed to have children again. The perinatologist laughed at me, and said we may as well start looking into adoption. This did not, ahem, sit well with me. I began to determine in my heart that God had given me a heart's desire to be a mom, and darn it, I was going to see it actualized. My heart would heal, inside and out. Period. February, 2008 saw some more random craziness that God had in store for us. David received a job offer in Lexington, KY, so we picked up and moved halfway across the country, LOL. I figured that as a couple, we'd already been through the worst thing we could go through; how bad could moving away from everything I know and love, be? Hahahahahaha. It sucked. I met a few great people in KY, but overall, I didn't like being away from my family, church, and super-rad boss here in St. Louis. The one great thing that happened in Kentucky, was that I met Dr. Barton at Central Baptist Hospital....oh, and my heart finally reached a normal, 55-60% left ventricle ejection fraction, which is MIRACULOUS!!!!! Based on Dr. Barton's historical research, David and I were given the green-light to try for another pregnancy. Before you ask, no, not yet. I wanted to lose the weight I had put on, and I definitely wanted to be healthier before we tried again. When David lost his job in February, '09, it put the baby plans on hold a bit longer. We are holding out for God's timing, and we know it will happen!
Since returning home to St. Louis, a few awesome things have happened: First of all, my heart function has maintained it's awesomeness. Secondly, thanks to my boss' help, I have begun to lose a significant amount of weight. I actually went back to work for the chiropractor in Webster Groves, where I was in 2006! The combination of acupuncture, chiropractic care, working out, and the Take Shape For Life program have helped me lose 33 pounds at this point, and there's more to come. Also, I have hooked up with the St. Louis chapter of the American Heart Association, and am now speaking to groups of women to raise awareness of heart health in our area. After all--I was only 28 when my heart gave out. Who thinks about heart disease when they're 28? Even if they have a significant family medical history?
Life is good. Through heartbreak (literal and emotional) and happiness, several things remain unchanged: God is good, even when we don't understand His ways....my husband is an amazing rock of a man, regardless of his employment status....my church family, no matter where I am, is a testimony to the love and care of our Father for His children...and finally, no matter what, my dog loves me deep. We're a happy family. We're missing a piece...but we're still happy. And most importantly, we have peace about whatever craziness God has for our future. So, that's my story....and this is my blog. Hopefully, I'll share a bit more as life happens, and you'll comment back to me! Thanks for reading, and God Bless You!!!!
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