Waiting...

I spent some time as a teenager going on various mission trips with an amazing youth group. The running joke amongst all of the trips, was "Hurry up and wait!" It seemed like everywhere we went, no matter how hard we tried to stay on time, no one else could be bothered with something as simple as punctuality.
(My neuroses with punctuality is a whole 'nother blog. Get me started on the subject, and you may walk away with your eyebrows singed.)
We would hustle and bustle to get our group together, we'd get to our destination, and then...we...would...wait...a...really...long...time...before...anything...would...happen.....
Sigh.
"Hurry up, and wait."
It's been a long time since I've been on the mission field. I can't say that I miss the spiders, sleeping on concrete, or eating unidentifiable foods; I can most definitely say that I miss seeing other cultures, and their reactions to receiving the Gospel. We're so calloused here in the States...Other countries, it's almost like you can see a wave of peace wash over their faces. The transformation is visible in places that are open to the supernatural. Anyone who has been to a third world country knows what I'm saying--for some reason, nations that live in poverty receive the truth of the spiritual so much more quickly than those of us who are drowning in materialism. We think we can do everything ourselves--they KNOW they need help, and aren't afraid to accept it.
Doing the small amount of mission work that I did, taught me a lot. But, I have to say, the concept of "hurry up and wait" has probably been the one that's stuck with me the most.
Women that hope and dream of having a child are fighting a near-constant battle that is so personal, they rarely want to talk about it. I actually don't want to talk about it (yet it's AMAZING how many people ask me that persistent question--as if it wasn't a theme running through my head). However, it's the end of the year--what I thought was supposed to be MY YEAR, and there is no little one in my arms. I find myself teetering on a ledge that I've been trying to ignore all year long.
"Hurry up..and wait."
We were given the "all-clear" in April. I finally have the team of specialists I'll need, and the answers I was missing. The right tests were finally ordered, and the results were conclusive: I have a blood disorder called "antiphospholipid antibody syndrome." It's only an issue during pregnancy; it's treatable, and it's why my heart when wonky (scientific term) in 2006. I have the right doctors to treat it, the right medications to counter it, and all we do now, is wait...
Waiting on God can be so annoying (she laughs)...We've had this conversation before. David and I have discussed both natural birth, and adoption, with both options being open. We're both in "wait and see" mode. Yep--we spent 5 years waiting for answers, we finally got them, and now...we...wait...
I'm not known for being a patient woman.
The monthly struggle that women in this stage go through...waiting...anticipation...disappointment...waiting some more...anticipation...disappointment...It's this crazy cycle that I don't think that guys understand. Once a month, our body does this ridiculous circus that pains us physically and emotionally, and after a certain point, spiritually. Like, my flesh tells me I should be aggravated with God because there's no baby yet. "Darn it, haven't I been through enough? When is it my turn--I mean, I'm not getting any younger!!! I've waited long enough!" There's the counter-conversation: "It's not in His timing yet. I'm not risking anything because I wasn't patient enough for the Lord. This is in His hands. The only thing I can do is trust, pray, and wait."
"I'm Waiting!!!" (Princess Bride reference: 200 points!)
Grown-Up Cassidy is winning the conversation at the moment, although my inpatient alter-ego makes an appearance at least once a month. If it wasn't for the amazing faith of my rock-solid husband, I think that I'd be tearing my hair out.
This whole cycle that women go through--I've only been going through it for 6 months. There are women who go through this for 10-15 years. I don't understand how they do it. It's a roller-coaster, and it's difficult. Guys don't really have a grasp on the intricacies of the physical/emotional/spiritual craziness that we go through, but they do have to endure our flux of states. I have to give them some credit for going through it vicariously. It's a delicate waiting game. I frequently find myself wondering what in the world is wrong with me, questioning God, feeling defective--it affects so much of your heart and your life.
So, we wait...
It's exhausting, to sit and wait for what feels like ages...to be so close, but to not be able to catch the prize at the end. If people knew how many times a day I pray for the little one that I truly believe is on the way--they'd think I was crazy. I pray for the small one...I pray for David, for strength...I pray for me, physically and spiritually...I pray for my family, because I know they're terrified that we could go through that valley again...
Most of all, I pray for God's timing. Anything done outside of Him--even this--is not worth doing. I stand on that--on knowing that more than anything, this is in Him. I had hoped that 2011 would be our year for Baby, but it has turned out to be a year of answers, and of change...so...I am not going to look at this as a disappointment. If it wasn't for the answers we were given in April, I wouldn't have the hope that keeps that fire lit.
We will wait.
We will pray.
We will love.
And we will wait some more...
Until He says "It's time."
Which could be any day now...(she laughs!) (No, really, Lord! Any day now!)
:)