Good Riddance and Goodbyes

There is a spot on the carpet,
And if I look at it long enough,
Or pinch myself hard enough,
Or dig my toes into the carpet deep enough,
Maybe I can stop the
Overwhelming wave that is about to....
Never mind. 

I should know by now.

Don't touch me, don't touch me, don't touch me--
Can't you see you've already done enough?
You should know by now.

Make excuses--that's fine.
Whatever you have to do, to feel better.
I knew I would somehow wind up on
The Other End of Your
Incinerating
Mouth.

I can't cry anymore.

I try to tell you it hurts,
But you only protect yourself.
I try to tell you I'm sorry,
But you only say, "we're even."
Was anyone keeping score,
Or is it just one more thing for me to
Lose?

I gave up looking for worth from your words a long time ago.
"Hurting people hurt other people;"
Truth is not an excuse,
But it can be anticipatory,
So I can't say I didn't expect it,
And thank you for predictability.

Zoloft-Wellbutrin-Lexapro
OH, NO
Better check my meds, because
GOD KNOWS I must be INCAPABLE
Of ACTUALLY FEELING
Or hurting
Or being angry
Or....

I can't be medicated into the
Coma of
Plastering a smile and
Acting
Like you're okay
Or I'm okay
Or THIS is okay.
I
AM
NOT
OKAY.

And I won't take a pill
That makes me not feel
Even when these feelings
Hurt.
"Pain lets us know we are still alive,"
And
I
Am
Still
Breathing.
Even when I question whether or not
It
Matters.

Does it?

Who knows?

I'm just an "educated idiot,"
A "mean girl," at best
God forbid, I let anyone
Know that the stress
Of life,
Of failure,
Of love or of loss
Can be overwhelming
Can come at a cost
That's higher than what
My psyche can pay;
God forbid, I mention
Or ruin YOUR day
I'm sorry, are you listening?
I've been kicked while I'm down.
Oh, I've annoyed you?
Have I ruffled your crown?
By all means, I will leave;
I've no time for this.
Just don't bother me when it's your turn;
Consider yourself dismissed.
I don't need your cynicism
Or to feel like a pest,
When I'm already struggling
And feel like a mess,
So goodbye, see you later
Go ahead, move along.
I'll be here, staring at
This spot
On the carpet....

Don't touch me.