There are steps we take
We would have never agreed on
If we would have been given
The choice.
There are paths we have walked down;
Had we knew where they led,
We would have run screaming
In the other direction.
I walk blindly.
I take small steps with caution
Trust is not my strong point
Especially when I feel
Let down.
Getting back up again
Has taken the life out of me
I can only get back to
My knees.
I may never walk again.
Crawling is always
An option.
Being in a position
That requires
Being carried
Is not a position
I am fond of.
He is unbreakable,
I am so broken,
And He wants me on
His team.
Two steps forward...
Crash into a wall
Slide back to the floor...
Start over.
Other people make it look
So
Easy.
I feel
Learning disabled
in
Spiritual things...
Paraplegic
Quadraplegic
Mute
Blind
Helpless at times
Unable to do anything
In my own strength.
And He wants me on
His team.
Part of me weeps at my own
Predicament
Part of me laughs at His
Crazy love for
The "Me"ss He chose.
He makes
Absolutely
No sense
To me
And I love
Him
Anyways.
What's even more
Astounding
Is that
He
Loves
Me.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
New Year's Resolution: Bah, humbug!
I don't make NYRs. They're stupid.
I MIGHT be opinionated.
Anyways, I just think they're a ridiculous bar to set. You make the resolution to improve your current situation, you mess it up, and then you feel worse than you did before--because you've not only done what you said you wouldn't do, you've broken a promise to add to the mess.
So, no NYRs for me.
But this year...
This year, I am setting goals.
Goal #1 (most important): Be thankful, regardless of what comes my way. However I have to "spin" it (and I realize, it's actually not "spinning;" rather, it's looking to God to be thankful that at least HE knows what He's doing, and being, at the very least, thankful for that).
Goal #2: Use coupons. I'm great at using them in the office; not so much, at home.
Goal #3: Physical activity 5 days/week. That's 3 days in the gym, and 2 days of SOMETHING that's 20 minutes.
Goal #4: PAY OFF THE CREDIT CARDS THIS YEAR, and be DONE with it, no matter what. This means NO BUYING.
Today, Goal #1 was easy. David and I had a fun day together, church was awesome, and we were bright-eyed and ready for whatever. Days like today, it's easy to be thankful.
Goal #2: Left coupon book at home. Fail.
Goal #3: We went roller skating for 2 hours. Win!
Goal #4: NOT FUN ANYMORE. The first week, I did really good-I ignored all of the after-Christmas sales. Today, though, a REALLY good sale ad came through AND I PASSED UP THE MOST GORGEOUS FULL-LENGTH RED WOOL COAT I HAVE EVER SEEN at the Goodwill on Baptist Church Road for $30!!! AARRGGHHHH!!! I REALLY WANTED IT!!! I asked David; he said no. I attempted negotiations; he declined. I said I'd clear out 3 of my older coats to make room; it didn't work. I put it down, and walked out of the store very meekly. (SOMEONE, PLEASE GO BUY THAT COAT! YOU WILL LOVE IT, AND I WILL BE HAPPY THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE I KNOW GOT A GOOD DEAL! It's a size 14-16-ish, and it only had one tiny flaw--get the coat!). So, yes, I submitted to my hubby.
No, it wasn't fun.
And this is why I don't make New Year's Resolutions.
(Yes, I am thankful I didn't buy that coat. Because now I have posted it on my blog, and hopefully, one of you will see it, and will go get it for yourself. You're supposed to see this. Go get the coat. I am thankful that you read this).
I'm going to bed now :)
I MIGHT be opinionated.
Anyways, I just think they're a ridiculous bar to set. You make the resolution to improve your current situation, you mess it up, and then you feel worse than you did before--because you've not only done what you said you wouldn't do, you've broken a promise to add to the mess.
So, no NYRs for me.
But this year...
This year, I am setting goals.
Goal #1 (most important): Be thankful, regardless of what comes my way. However I have to "spin" it (and I realize, it's actually not "spinning;" rather, it's looking to God to be thankful that at least HE knows what He's doing, and being, at the very least, thankful for that).
Goal #2: Use coupons. I'm great at using them in the office; not so much, at home.
Goal #3: Physical activity 5 days/week. That's 3 days in the gym, and 2 days of SOMETHING that's 20 minutes.
Goal #4: PAY OFF THE CREDIT CARDS THIS YEAR, and be DONE with it, no matter what. This means NO BUYING.
Today, Goal #1 was easy. David and I had a fun day together, church was awesome, and we were bright-eyed and ready for whatever. Days like today, it's easy to be thankful.
Goal #2: Left coupon book at home. Fail.
Goal #3: We went roller skating for 2 hours. Win!
Goal #4: NOT FUN ANYMORE. The first week, I did really good-I ignored all of the after-Christmas sales. Today, though, a REALLY good sale ad came through AND I PASSED UP THE MOST GORGEOUS FULL-LENGTH RED WOOL COAT I HAVE EVER SEEN at the Goodwill on Baptist Church Road for $30!!! AARRGGHHHH!!! I REALLY WANTED IT!!! I asked David; he said no. I attempted negotiations; he declined. I said I'd clear out 3 of my older coats to make room; it didn't work. I put it down, and walked out of the store very meekly. (SOMEONE, PLEASE GO BUY THAT COAT! YOU WILL LOVE IT, AND I WILL BE HAPPY THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE I KNOW GOT A GOOD DEAL! It's a size 14-16-ish, and it only had one tiny flaw--get the coat!). So, yes, I submitted to my hubby.
No, it wasn't fun.
And this is why I don't make New Year's Resolutions.
(Yes, I am thankful I didn't buy that coat. Because now I have posted it on my blog, and hopefully, one of you will see it, and will go get it for yourself. You're supposed to see this. Go get the coat. I am thankful that you read this).
I'm going to bed now :)
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Retraction!
Me and my big mouth. Me and my pouty, whiny, self-indulgent, big mouth...Sometimes I think someone should stand behind me, and when I'm about to hit "publish post" should grab my keyboard and hit me in the face with it.
I said something yesterday that I totally regret. In a moment of "Job's-Wife-itis," I said that God had "pretty much ruined my life. He gives, and He takes away. And He has."
That was ridiculous.
Did He give me Hannah? Yes.
Did He take her away? Yes.
Did He take away my chances to have another child? By all medical definitions, Yes.
Does this heart condition totally piss me off? Absolutely, Yes.
Did God lose? I mean, why WOULDN'T He want to see good things come to pass? Doesn't the Bible say that He has plans to "prosper" us? So, is that not true? Did He lose, or does He just not like me?
I can't justify the answers to any of those questions. The challenge to my faith has been astronomical. None of this makes ANY sense, none of it. The so-called "happy ending" didn't happen--she didn't get healed, I haven't been healed (though it could happen). This story isn't making Him look very good so far (if you look at it through the eyes of the average bear).
This is what I DO know:
God has NOT ruined my life. He has drastically changed every possible aspect of it that I could have EVER imagined. He has annihilated any plan I have ever made for myself, and left me wondering what in the world am I here for? I'm confused, and angry, and have no idea what's next. I don't think God does things like this to place people where He wants them--He's not manipulative or mean. I don't think this is "what it took" to get me in a position to hear Him--after all, not that I'm anywhere near Job, but he didn't HAVE to be put in the position of loss to love God. He loved God before, during, and after his losses. God didn't ruin Job's life...but he sure did make him question Him.
God loves me. I've had a hard time feeling that, these last 4 years, but I know it's true. Job probably didn't feel very loved, either...neither did David, when he was hiding in a cave, or Jeremiah, or 100 other biblical prophets. I'm not putting myself on their level, but I am using them as examples that God's love doesn't always feel warm and fuzzy.
What I said yesterday about trying to find a place of thankfulness, in the midst of this, is true. I'm starting to think that before anyone can get through a challenge in life, they first have to come to a place where they're grateful for having to face it.
I may be here a while.
I am sorry, for that glib statement that I made yesterday. God has most definitely NOT ruined my life. He has loved me...He has surrounded me with people who constantly tell me that, and it will eventually get through. He has surrounded me with people who have wiped endless tears, who have never once accused me of being a hypocrite, and who have prayed for me beyond what I could ever know. Were it not for this God, for this Savior, where would I be? I would be lost.
I may be confused...angry...struggling...but one thing I will never be is Lost.
He has found me, even during the times where I didn't want to be found...and He always will. That is one thing that through it all, I can find joy in. Maybe not happiness (emotional), but always, joy.
Hannah's loss is one that I will always feel, but I truly feel the greatest breakthrough in grief came earlier this year. My struggle now, is in handling being told "no" to something I've always dreamed of--to a genuine heart's desire. I've always believed God doesn't give you a heart's desire, without fulfilling it. Should it be fulfilled, it's not looking like it's going to happen when/how I wanted it, and I have to not only accept, but be thankful for, that news. It's not bringing out the best in me.
He loves me.
He has a plan.
I am hanging on by the skin of my teeth.
And it's okay.
I said something yesterday that I totally regret. In a moment of "Job's-Wife-itis," I said that God had "pretty much ruined my life. He gives, and He takes away. And He has."
That was ridiculous.
Did He give me Hannah? Yes.
Did He take her away? Yes.
Did He take away my chances to have another child? By all medical definitions, Yes.
Does this heart condition totally piss me off? Absolutely, Yes.
Did God lose? I mean, why WOULDN'T He want to see good things come to pass? Doesn't the Bible say that He has plans to "prosper" us? So, is that not true? Did He lose, or does He just not like me?
I can't justify the answers to any of those questions. The challenge to my faith has been astronomical. None of this makes ANY sense, none of it. The so-called "happy ending" didn't happen--she didn't get healed, I haven't been healed (though it could happen). This story isn't making Him look very good so far (if you look at it through the eyes of the average bear).
This is what I DO know:
God has NOT ruined my life. He has drastically changed every possible aspect of it that I could have EVER imagined. He has annihilated any plan I have ever made for myself, and left me wondering what in the world am I here for? I'm confused, and angry, and have no idea what's next. I don't think God does things like this to place people where He wants them--He's not manipulative or mean. I don't think this is "what it took" to get me in a position to hear Him--after all, not that I'm anywhere near Job, but he didn't HAVE to be put in the position of loss to love God. He loved God before, during, and after his losses. God didn't ruin Job's life...but he sure did make him question Him.
God loves me. I've had a hard time feeling that, these last 4 years, but I know it's true. Job probably didn't feel very loved, either...neither did David, when he was hiding in a cave, or Jeremiah, or 100 other biblical prophets. I'm not putting myself on their level, but I am using them as examples that God's love doesn't always feel warm and fuzzy.
What I said yesterday about trying to find a place of thankfulness, in the midst of this, is true. I'm starting to think that before anyone can get through a challenge in life, they first have to come to a place where they're grateful for having to face it.
I may be here a while.
I am sorry, for that glib statement that I made yesterday. God has most definitely NOT ruined my life. He has loved me...He has surrounded me with people who constantly tell me that, and it will eventually get through. He has surrounded me with people who have wiped endless tears, who have never once accused me of being a hypocrite, and who have prayed for me beyond what I could ever know. Were it not for this God, for this Savior, where would I be? I would be lost.
I may be confused...angry...struggling...but one thing I will never be is Lost.
He has found me, even during the times where I didn't want to be found...and He always will. That is one thing that through it all, I can find joy in. Maybe not happiness (emotional), but always, joy.
Hannah's loss is one that I will always feel, but I truly feel the greatest breakthrough in grief came earlier this year. My struggle now, is in handling being told "no" to something I've always dreamed of--to a genuine heart's desire. I've always believed God doesn't give you a heart's desire, without fulfilling it. Should it be fulfilled, it's not looking like it's going to happen when/how I wanted it, and I have to not only accept, but be thankful for, that news. It's not bringing out the best in me.
He loves me.
He has a plan.
I am hanging on by the skin of my teeth.
And it's okay.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Is this whining? Isn't it all?
"Those who do not learn from the past, are condemned to repeat it" or something like that, or at least, that's what my history teacher would tell us. A lot of times, I feel like this journey into adulthood/wanna-be parenthood is nothing but a mindless trek in a circle-shaped desert (cue the Israelite reference). Most of what I have to say, I've already said, but until I can see some ridiculously huge changes, it's just where I am.
I'm so frustrated.
When I first began my life as an undercover blogger, I was pregnant. The original blog, held on MySpace, eventually hit 10000 hits and then I took it down. I re-started it on Facebook, and then, eventually, came to BlogSpot. To go back, and read the blogs from beginning through today, is a ride on a rollercoaster of crap, really--that's the only word I have for it. Sure, that's depressing, but what else am I going to say? What, life is fantastic? I'm achieving my heart's desire? I feel so totally blessed? I may be a decent writer, but if I can sell you that, I need to find a career selling swamp land in Florida. No, life is NOT fantastic--I'm NOT getting what I want--I'm NOT seeing ANYTHING come into fruition, and no, I don't feel particularly "blessed."
I know, I know (cue my mother's voice) I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm employed, my husband is employed, I don't have a car payment, and my dog is happy to see me. This life, though--this isn't what I bargained for, and I can't quite see the forest through the trees.
I'm disappointed, and I can't shake it.
I feel like Debbie Downer, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm not happy-go-lucky Cassidy, that I'm not giggly or quirky or energetic, or any of the personality traits I so freely exhibited pre-11/06 (okay, sometimes I am, but it used to be all the time). I'm sorry that I've become cynical, that I've become angry, and that in my disappointment, I've become ungrateful.
My New Year's resolution is to somehow, someway, find a way to become thankful for where I am right now. I don't know if that's even possible, but I have to find a way. If I can't become truly grateful for where God has me, I will never get over being so damn mad at Him for ruining my life.
Yeah, I just said that. Sue me (cue lightning strike).
He gives, and He takes away. And He has.
There will come a point in my life where I look back at where I am right now, and I read these words, and say to myself, "Wow, Cassidy--you were so bitter, so angry. Yet God loved you even then...look at how He worked everything out for the good you have right now!" I know that time will come.
It is not right now.
I have faith.
That doesn't mean that I have to be happy here, in this place, at this time. I'm not.
God woos us--His Holy Spirit draws us in, holds us close--He wraps His arms around us, even when we're covered in thorns. I am prickly right now--I don't want anyone to know how much I am really in a pit right now, and I sure as heck don't want anyone to tell me how great God is. We sang a song on Sunday that talked about how God is faithful, and someone came up to me and very kindly said, "I saw you singing that--I know that was very hard." That was so loving, for her to say that to me--she gets it. She knows that I can sit here and tell you, "God is faithful. God loves you. He loves me," and I can choke on it. I can choke on it, not because I don't believe it's true--I know it is--but because I don't feel it right now. He feels as far away as Neptune, and I don't understand why I've had to go through these last four years of hell.
I am not thankful for this. I am not thankful that my daughter died, that I can't have any more children, that it would take some unspeakable miracle for things to be "fine." I'm not. Don't give me crap about this building character, because that's a cliche people say when they're too proud to admit that they don't know what kind of encouragement to offer. The friends who have been the most awesome through this have either gone through it themselves, or have been through a deep enough loss that they understand the stupidity of triteness.
So, that's my goal for this year. Find a way to be thankful in the midst of the four-year-long desert that's been my life. Find a way to be grateful, to a God that I'm in love with, but am very distraught with (distraught = angry, confused, lost, disoriented, frustrated--you get the point).
As far as children go, things are up in the air. In September, I was on a high--a combination of an awesome womens' retreat, with the approval of my OB to try to get pregnant. October/November marked the 4th anniversary of Hannah's birth/death, and December threw a curveball at us when my cardiologist told me I wouldn't survive a pregnancy due to my heart condition. Yesterday, a second/third opinion confirmed it. I told God on the way home today that I would really like something happy to happen--I need something uplifting, so I'm holding out for that. I'm in a rut, and I don't like it.
Find something to be thankful for, and praise God for it. That's my goal. Every day, something new, that isn't trite (i.e., "thank you for my T-shirt...clouds...snow..." etc.). In finding the things I can be thankful for, and am thankful for, perhaps this haze of "crapitude" will dissipate and I can get back to being who I know I am (instead of Sad Cassidy. I don't like her much, but she won't shut up). I need to come to terms with where I am, and find a way to be thankful, or else when the time comes to get out of this place, I'll be in such a self-focused fog that I won't see the exit signs. I've got to get my focus back. The disappointments of men can't possibly be as crushing when they're seen through the eyes of a thankful heart, right? It's got to get better....it has to.
It will. One foot in front of the other...because if I stop, I'm on quicksand.
I'm so frustrated.
When I first began my life as an undercover blogger, I was pregnant. The original blog, held on MySpace, eventually hit 10000 hits and then I took it down. I re-started it on Facebook, and then, eventually, came to BlogSpot. To go back, and read the blogs from beginning through today, is a ride on a rollercoaster of crap, really--that's the only word I have for it. Sure, that's depressing, but what else am I going to say? What, life is fantastic? I'm achieving my heart's desire? I feel so totally blessed? I may be a decent writer, but if I can sell you that, I need to find a career selling swamp land in Florida. No, life is NOT fantastic--I'm NOT getting what I want--I'm NOT seeing ANYTHING come into fruition, and no, I don't feel particularly "blessed."
I know, I know (cue my mother's voice) I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm employed, my husband is employed, I don't have a car payment, and my dog is happy to see me. This life, though--this isn't what I bargained for, and I can't quite see the forest through the trees.
I'm disappointed, and I can't shake it.
I feel like Debbie Downer, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm not happy-go-lucky Cassidy, that I'm not giggly or quirky or energetic, or any of the personality traits I so freely exhibited pre-11/06 (okay, sometimes I am, but it used to be all the time). I'm sorry that I've become cynical, that I've become angry, and that in my disappointment, I've become ungrateful.
My New Year's resolution is to somehow, someway, find a way to become thankful for where I am right now. I don't know if that's even possible, but I have to find a way. If I can't become truly grateful for where God has me, I will never get over being so damn mad at Him for ruining my life.
Yeah, I just said that. Sue me (cue lightning strike).
He gives, and He takes away. And He has.
There will come a point in my life where I look back at where I am right now, and I read these words, and say to myself, "Wow, Cassidy--you were so bitter, so angry. Yet God loved you even then...look at how He worked everything out for the good you have right now!" I know that time will come.
It is not right now.
I have faith.
That doesn't mean that I have to be happy here, in this place, at this time. I'm not.
God woos us--His Holy Spirit draws us in, holds us close--He wraps His arms around us, even when we're covered in thorns. I am prickly right now--I don't want anyone to know how much I am really in a pit right now, and I sure as heck don't want anyone to tell me how great God is. We sang a song on Sunday that talked about how God is faithful, and someone came up to me and very kindly said, "I saw you singing that--I know that was very hard." That was so loving, for her to say that to me--she gets it. She knows that I can sit here and tell you, "God is faithful. God loves you. He loves me," and I can choke on it. I can choke on it, not because I don't believe it's true--I know it is--but because I don't feel it right now. He feels as far away as Neptune, and I don't understand why I've had to go through these last four years of hell.
I am not thankful for this. I am not thankful that my daughter died, that I can't have any more children, that it would take some unspeakable miracle for things to be "fine." I'm not. Don't give me crap about this building character, because that's a cliche people say when they're too proud to admit that they don't know what kind of encouragement to offer. The friends who have been the most awesome through this have either gone through it themselves, or have been through a deep enough loss that they understand the stupidity of triteness.
So, that's my goal for this year. Find a way to be thankful in the midst of the four-year-long desert that's been my life. Find a way to be grateful, to a God that I'm in love with, but am very distraught with (distraught = angry, confused, lost, disoriented, frustrated--you get the point).
As far as children go, things are up in the air. In September, I was on a high--a combination of an awesome womens' retreat, with the approval of my OB to try to get pregnant. October/November marked the 4th anniversary of Hannah's birth/death, and December threw a curveball at us when my cardiologist told me I wouldn't survive a pregnancy due to my heart condition. Yesterday, a second/third opinion confirmed it. I told God on the way home today that I would really like something happy to happen--I need something uplifting, so I'm holding out for that. I'm in a rut, and I don't like it.
Find something to be thankful for, and praise God for it. That's my goal. Every day, something new, that isn't trite (i.e., "thank you for my T-shirt...clouds...snow..." etc.). In finding the things I can be thankful for, and am thankful for, perhaps this haze of "crapitude" will dissipate and I can get back to being who I know I am (instead of Sad Cassidy. I don't like her much, but she won't shut up). I need to come to terms with where I am, and find a way to be thankful, or else when the time comes to get out of this place, I'll be in such a self-focused fog that I won't see the exit signs. I've got to get my focus back. The disappointments of men can't possibly be as crushing when they're seen through the eyes of a thankful heart, right? It's got to get better....it has to.
It will. One foot in front of the other...because if I stop, I'm on quicksand.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Medical Temper Tantrum...I've had it.
Today, I have had enough.
I've had it with doctors.
I work in alternative health care. I work in a small-ish office, for one doctor, with one other staff member, in a space that actually holds four doctors(only one of them is my boss). I'm an office manager, and I, for the most part, like what I do. My patients (and yes, I call them "mine," because even though they're not there to see me, we have enough conversations that I have grown to have at the very least, professional concern for them. Most of them, I actually like, and I believe they like me, too) know my name, and I know theirs. If I see them on the street, I can look at them and smile, have a conversation, and know that it's okay. Heck, I even recognize some of the patients of the other doctors, that I have little-to-no interaction with. It's that kind of an office, and though it's professional, it's a place of compassion and concern (for people--not for insurance company. There, my evil side comes out, and it's UGGGGGLY).
When I have to sit on the other side, and be a patient, I'm hyper-critical. It doesn't matter how busy we are, we do our best to be NICE. Walking into a doctor's office and dealing with a staff member who hates their little glass-enclosed-ring-a-bell-to-sign-in life is not what I consider warm and welcoming, especially when you're generally not in a doctor's office because you feel FABULOUS. I don't care HOW pretty the decor is, a doctor's staff sets the tone. I rarely have problems with office staff, but when I do, I let them know. I would want to know, if it were me.
Doctors, on the other hand, are their own unique breed. They're usually very insulated, and have little idea of what their staff is up to (unless a patient complains). In our office, all 4 doctors are kind, considerate, take their time, and truly focus on the patients we see. We see a HUGE variety of patients. Every one of them gets the doc's full attention, no matter now weird the questions. Our doctors are KIND.
My primary care physician is a wonderful lady, and I love her. MY OB/GYN is an airhead (who forgot that my daughter had died, just as he was wheeling me back for my uterine surgery that I had earlier this year--hey, he didn't deliver Hannah, and he'd had a busy morning, so I guess I can understand that, but REALLY?!?), but he's incredibly skilled as a surgeon, so I'm keeping him, even if he is a bit batty. He's kind, and he takes care of my whole family now, so we're good there.
My cardiologist, however, is a bonehead.
The first cardiologist I had, saw me at Missouri Baptist when the cardiomyopathy set in. The day after Hannah died, I had to go see him, and his first words were "How is the baby?" Needless to say, that didn't go over well. After a year's worth of care in that office (Town and Country Cardiovascular, with Dr. Hess--and yes, I'm naming names. He's a nice man, but darn it, nice doesn't fix a broken heart in any way, shape, or form) he sent us to see Dr. Moore at St. Anthony's, and told us we were ready to get pregnant again.
Dr. Moore actually laughed. It wasn't a "haha" laugh; it was an "are you KIDDING?" laugh. She said Dr. Hess just couldn't bear to tell me the truth that I'd never be able to successfully have another child. She gave us information on adoption, and sent us on our way.
I fired Dr. Hess.
My next cardiologist was Dr. Mazei, and I liked him. He wasn't thrilled with my use of acupuncture or nutrition to balance my heart, but he didn't ban it, and he was good with reducing my medication. I felt like under his care, that my heart was the most improved. Unfortunately, we moved to Kentucky, and I had to switch to a very compassionate doctor in Lexington...and then we came back.
I went back to Dr. Mezei.
My OB needed to do my surgery in April, and wouldn't work with Dr. Mazei, since he didn't have privileges at MoBap, and he sent me to Dr. Groll--who was also at Town and Country Cardiovascular.
I had a stress test done in April, and was told I was fine for the surgery....
On 12/3, I went back to Dr. Groll for my bi-annual checkup. I happened to ask him if I could possibly get a letter saying that I was okay, since my life insurance policy is about to run out. First he said, "well, they'll request your records, and you'll be okay...or maybe not....Nope, you're not going to get life insurance."
And this is the part THAT TRULY KILLS ME:
I have a test done IN APRIL. A "chance" question in DECEMBER has the doctor FINALLY read the full report, in which it's revealed that, oops, nope, my heart is anything but "fine," and that my numbers are anything but "normal." I'm not only uninsurable; I am not considered safe to have another child....which is ridiculous, since in September, just 3 months before this, my OB told me that we "ARE TOTALLY READY TO GET PREGNANT." Now, this?
DO DOCTORS EVEN STINKING TALK TO EACH OTHER ANYMORE?!?!?! WHAT IS SO BLEEDING DIFFICULT ABOUT READING A REPORT, AND FAXING IT TO THE REFERRING PHYSICIAN?? WHAT THE HELL IS THE FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE, and WHY WASN'T I TOLD ABOUT THIS?!?!?
To make matters even more confusing, I found out that the main heart medication that I take, that I thought was for my blood pressure, was NOT, so my attempts to wean off of the medication (on my own, which I know is stupid, especially now) was highly dangerous. I wasn't properly educated on that medication, nor on the one that I'm starting today. The one I'm starting today, which says it's for blood pressure, but not in my case, I was informed, is for left ventricular hypertrophy, which means that the muscle of my left ventricle is JACKED UP more than I knew. He topped all of this off by saying, "Well, after everything you've been through, at least you have a beautiful daughter to show for it." REALLY?!?!?!?!?!? READ AN EFFING FILE, YOU IDIOT!
So, my non-compassionate, non-informative, non-communicative cardiologist is fired, and I am so fed up that I don't even give a rat's rear if I find another one. Are they all like this? I mean, this guy's nurse actually called my office out of the blue last week to REMIND me NOT to get pregnant. AS IF I NEEDED THE FREAKIN' REMINDER!!!!!! I think I would have thrown something at her if I could have.
The cardiologist is changing locations next month, which is great. I need a new one, and I'd like someone at Barnes (if we were to get pregnant again, we'd be at Barnes anyways, as they have the highest-level high-risk specialists in St. Louis). I'd like a woman, and more than anything, I'd like a compassionate doctor.
I'd like a cardiologist that's as nice as my boss is to her patients, and since we do it in our office, I don't think that's too much to ask.
I'm sick of doctors, and I'm sick of their "practicing." I need a doctor who remembers my face, who doesn't ask me stupid questions like "how's your daughter" (which every one of my cardiologists has done--read the file, you idiots), and who, at the very least, explains what the heck is going on with my heart, and how they can fix it (and don't tell me it can't be fixed, because that's crap. We can do surgeries on babies in utero, we can do face transplants, and we can clone sheep. Don't tell me you can't fix a jacked-up heart). I want answers, and I'd like to be treated as a person.
If a doctor can't do that, then perhaps they should find a career they are more suited for (cleaning horse stalls comes to mind).
If you know of anyone from Barnes that fits my Wanted description (maybe I should hang up signs), please let me know. It would also be nice to have a doctor that doesn't throw out phrases like "you'd have to abort the fetus to save your life" and other such gems of hope. I need a new cardiologist. Stat, please. :)
I've had it with doctors.
I work in alternative health care. I work in a small-ish office, for one doctor, with one other staff member, in a space that actually holds four doctors(only one of them is my boss). I'm an office manager, and I, for the most part, like what I do. My patients (and yes, I call them "mine," because even though they're not there to see me, we have enough conversations that I have grown to have at the very least, professional concern for them. Most of them, I actually like, and I believe they like me, too) know my name, and I know theirs. If I see them on the street, I can look at them and smile, have a conversation, and know that it's okay. Heck, I even recognize some of the patients of the other doctors, that I have little-to-no interaction with. It's that kind of an office, and though it's professional, it's a place of compassion and concern (for people--not for insurance company. There, my evil side comes out, and it's UGGGGGLY).
When I have to sit on the other side, and be a patient, I'm hyper-critical. It doesn't matter how busy we are, we do our best to be NICE. Walking into a doctor's office and dealing with a staff member who hates their little glass-enclosed-ring-a-bell-to-sign-in life is not what I consider warm and welcoming, especially when you're generally not in a doctor's office because you feel FABULOUS. I don't care HOW pretty the decor is, a doctor's staff sets the tone. I rarely have problems with office staff, but when I do, I let them know. I would want to know, if it were me.
Doctors, on the other hand, are their own unique breed. They're usually very insulated, and have little idea of what their staff is up to (unless a patient complains). In our office, all 4 doctors are kind, considerate, take their time, and truly focus on the patients we see. We see a HUGE variety of patients. Every one of them gets the doc's full attention, no matter now weird the questions. Our doctors are KIND.
My primary care physician is a wonderful lady, and I love her. MY OB/GYN is an airhead (who forgot that my daughter had died, just as he was wheeling me back for my uterine surgery that I had earlier this year--hey, he didn't deliver Hannah, and he'd had a busy morning, so I guess I can understand that, but REALLY?!?), but he's incredibly skilled as a surgeon, so I'm keeping him, even if he is a bit batty. He's kind, and he takes care of my whole family now, so we're good there.
My cardiologist, however, is a bonehead.
The first cardiologist I had, saw me at Missouri Baptist when the cardiomyopathy set in. The day after Hannah died, I had to go see him, and his first words were "How is the baby?" Needless to say, that didn't go over well. After a year's worth of care in that office (Town and Country Cardiovascular, with Dr. Hess--and yes, I'm naming names. He's a nice man, but darn it, nice doesn't fix a broken heart in any way, shape, or form) he sent us to see Dr. Moore at St. Anthony's, and told us we were ready to get pregnant again.
Dr. Moore actually laughed. It wasn't a "haha" laugh; it was an "are you KIDDING?" laugh. She said Dr. Hess just couldn't bear to tell me the truth that I'd never be able to successfully have another child. She gave us information on adoption, and sent us on our way.
I fired Dr. Hess.
My next cardiologist was Dr. Mazei, and I liked him. He wasn't thrilled with my use of acupuncture or nutrition to balance my heart, but he didn't ban it, and he was good with reducing my medication. I felt like under his care, that my heart was the most improved. Unfortunately, we moved to Kentucky, and I had to switch to a very compassionate doctor in Lexington...and then we came back.
I went back to Dr. Mezei.
My OB needed to do my surgery in April, and wouldn't work with Dr. Mazei, since he didn't have privileges at MoBap, and he sent me to Dr. Groll--who was also at Town and Country Cardiovascular.
I had a stress test done in April, and was told I was fine for the surgery....
On 12/3, I went back to Dr. Groll for my bi-annual checkup. I happened to ask him if I could possibly get a letter saying that I was okay, since my life insurance policy is about to run out. First he said, "well, they'll request your records, and you'll be okay...or maybe not....Nope, you're not going to get life insurance."
And this is the part THAT TRULY KILLS ME:
I have a test done IN APRIL. A "chance" question in DECEMBER has the doctor FINALLY read the full report, in which it's revealed that, oops, nope, my heart is anything but "fine," and that my numbers are anything but "normal." I'm not only uninsurable; I am not considered safe to have another child....which is ridiculous, since in September, just 3 months before this, my OB told me that we "ARE TOTALLY READY TO GET PREGNANT." Now, this?
DO DOCTORS EVEN STINKING TALK TO EACH OTHER ANYMORE?!?!?! WHAT IS SO BLEEDING DIFFICULT ABOUT READING A REPORT, AND FAXING IT TO THE REFERRING PHYSICIAN?? WHAT THE HELL IS THE FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE, and WHY WASN'T I TOLD ABOUT THIS?!?!?
To make matters even more confusing, I found out that the main heart medication that I take, that I thought was for my blood pressure, was NOT, so my attempts to wean off of the medication (on my own, which I know is stupid, especially now) was highly dangerous. I wasn't properly educated on that medication, nor on the one that I'm starting today. The one I'm starting today, which says it's for blood pressure, but not in my case, I was informed, is for left ventricular hypertrophy, which means that the muscle of my left ventricle is JACKED UP more than I knew. He topped all of this off by saying, "Well, after everything you've been through, at least you have a beautiful daughter to show for it." REALLY?!?!?!?!?!? READ AN EFFING FILE, YOU IDIOT!
So, my non-compassionate, non-informative, non-communicative cardiologist is fired, and I am so fed up that I don't even give a rat's rear if I find another one. Are they all like this? I mean, this guy's nurse actually called my office out of the blue last week to REMIND me NOT to get pregnant. AS IF I NEEDED THE FREAKIN' REMINDER!!!!!! I think I would have thrown something at her if I could have.
The cardiologist is changing locations next month, which is great. I need a new one, and I'd like someone at Barnes (if we were to get pregnant again, we'd be at Barnes anyways, as they have the highest-level high-risk specialists in St. Louis). I'd like a woman, and more than anything, I'd like a compassionate doctor.
I'd like a cardiologist that's as nice as my boss is to her patients, and since we do it in our office, I don't think that's too much to ask.
I'm sick of doctors, and I'm sick of their "practicing." I need a doctor who remembers my face, who doesn't ask me stupid questions like "how's your daughter" (which every one of my cardiologists has done--read the file, you idiots), and who, at the very least, explains what the heck is going on with my heart, and how they can fix it (and don't tell me it can't be fixed, because that's crap. We can do surgeries on babies in utero, we can do face transplants, and we can clone sheep. Don't tell me you can't fix a jacked-up heart). I want answers, and I'd like to be treated as a person.
If a doctor can't do that, then perhaps they should find a career they are more suited for (cleaning horse stalls comes to mind).
If you know of anyone from Barnes that fits my Wanted description (maybe I should hang up signs), please let me know. It would also be nice to have a doctor that doesn't throw out phrases like "you'd have to abort the fetus to save your life" and other such gems of hope. I need a new cardiologist. Stat, please. :)
Thursday, December 16, 2010
So, what's going on?
Recent events have left me speechless, as far as blogging goes. Someone said to me, "I knew something was up--you've been really quiet on Facebook." They're totally right. Needless to say, if you were at church a few weeks ago, you know what's going on...
And you should know that I really don't want to talk about it....
I know I'm usually very open about things, even difficult things, but this goes beyond what I am capable of talking about, and it was never supposed to be made public knowledge (there was a completely unintentional miscommunication; KNOW that there are NO HARD FEELINGS WHATSOEVER, so please don't read into anything),
A very wise person once told me that if I couldn't end a blog on a good note, then I should rethink posting anything in the first place...so I haven't posted anything, because quite frankly, I have nothing good to say.
The "church" answer of having "hope/waiting on God/don't give up" sounds nice and all, but this is my life, and I have lived with all of the above for 4 years. I have been brokenhearted, and come back from it...This time, I am heartsick, literally, and my faith is shaken to its core.
Encouraging words have been spoken, but I am not in a place where I can hear it right now...I feel like I should apologize to anyone who has tried to lift my spirits, because I'm not responding like "normal" Cassidy would...
I am going through the motions.
All I want to do is hide in my Elijah-cave.
I am silent, because even though I want to write, I don't know anyone who would understand what I have to say...The only people I know, who know how I feel, are dead, and I feel so foolish for not asking them how they coped with this, when they had to walk the path that David and I are now on...I miss them, and that doesn't make this any easier.
I'd like to say that this will get better, but at this point, I'm not sure. What I really want to say, I can't, and what I should say, I won't, because it's not right. If you have questions, ask David, because he's capable of polite speech right now (as opposed to emotional babbling/ranting/yelling/bawling).
I will smile. I will tell you I'm fine.
And I will lie.
Because I'm not fine.
I'm heartsick (Hope deferred).
And you should know that I really don't want to talk about it....
I know I'm usually very open about things, even difficult things, but this goes beyond what I am capable of talking about, and it was never supposed to be made public knowledge (there was a completely unintentional miscommunication; KNOW that there are NO HARD FEELINGS WHATSOEVER, so please don't read into anything),
A very wise person once told me that if I couldn't end a blog on a good note, then I should rethink posting anything in the first place...so I haven't posted anything, because quite frankly, I have nothing good to say.
The "church" answer of having "hope/waiting on God/don't give up" sounds nice and all, but this is my life, and I have lived with all of the above for 4 years. I have been brokenhearted, and come back from it...This time, I am heartsick, literally, and my faith is shaken to its core.
Encouraging words have been spoken, but I am not in a place where I can hear it right now...I feel like I should apologize to anyone who has tried to lift my spirits, because I'm not responding like "normal" Cassidy would...
I am going through the motions.
All I want to do is hide in my Elijah-cave.
I am silent, because even though I want to write, I don't know anyone who would understand what I have to say...The only people I know, who know how I feel, are dead, and I feel so foolish for not asking them how they coped with this, when they had to walk the path that David and I are now on...I miss them, and that doesn't make this any easier.
I'd like to say that this will get better, but at this point, I'm not sure. What I really want to say, I can't, and what I should say, I won't, because it's not right. If you have questions, ask David, because he's capable of polite speech right now (as opposed to emotional babbling/ranting/yelling/bawling).
I will smile. I will tell you I'm fine.
And I will lie.
Because I'm not fine.
I'm heartsick (Hope deferred).
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Blank...
Sometimes, I have nothing to say...
Sometimes, I have everything to say,
But none of it is pretty
So I don't want to say anything.
Sometimes, I try to hide,
But this time
Someone called me out.
Now everyone sees
What makes me want to
Run
Away...
What makes me want to
Hide in my
Cave
Made of
Blankets...
For 5 weeks now,
I have watched the world go by
While I remembered
When time
Stopped.
The vortex didn't catch me,
And I was proud
That I put one foot
In front of the other.
October 30th.
November 28th.
December 1st.
The days have blurred together,
And I forgot what day it was,
But December 3rd
Reminded me
And now
I am lost.
I want to blame Him.
I want to take my anger out
At the One Who has given
And has taken away...
He took
Away,
And I am so empty...
I know there is love,
I know He is Love,
But I am
Devastated
And need to make it all
Make SENSE.
It doesn't.
"This is what I want!"
I say to Him;
"This is who I am!
This is who YOU SAID YOU
Created me to be!
AND I AM NOT.
You won't let me."
And like a million women
With empty wombs
who have gone on before me,
I watch the world
Pass
Me
By.
My faith is shaking.
The words "cosmic killjoy"
Ring in my ears, and
I struggle
To remember
The promises
I sing on Sunday morning.
I am not a child
Who didn't get their toy
And is having a fit.
I am a woman
Who has lost herself
And her every heart's desire;
I am a woman
Who remembers joy
That evades her grasp
And drifts on to
Someone else.
I am struggling
To find a way
To be thankful
To be focused
To praise
To breathe
To
Hope...
(Just a sidebar--although I appreciate the words of hope and promise that have been shared with me lately, it doesn't make this hurt any less. I've had 4 years of hopes and promises, with nothing to show for them. It doesn't mean there won't be; but it means there's not, right now. I don't know what the future holds, or where God will take David and I...what I do know, is that I am on my face before Him--mostly because I've been knocked down at the knees--and that I have nowhere else to go. The song that says "I need You, Jesus, to come to my rescue; where else can I go?" could be tattooed across my forehead right now, with how many times it's run through my head. Thank you for your love, and for your prayers...I am hurting. It doesn't mean I give up...but it does mean that I'm laying low. I appreciate the support.)
Sometimes, I have everything to say,
But none of it is pretty
So I don't want to say anything.
Sometimes, I try to hide,
But this time
Someone called me out.
Now everyone sees
What makes me want to
Run
Away...
What makes me want to
Hide in my
Cave
Made of
Blankets...
For 5 weeks now,
I have watched the world go by
While I remembered
When time
Stopped.
The vortex didn't catch me,
And I was proud
That I put one foot
In front of the other.
October 30th.
November 28th.
December 1st.
The days have blurred together,
And I forgot what day it was,
But December 3rd
Reminded me
And now
I am lost.
I want to blame Him.
I want to take my anger out
At the One Who has given
And has taken away...
He took
Away,
And I am so empty...
I know there is love,
I know He is Love,
But I am
Devastated
And need to make it all
Make SENSE.
It doesn't.
"This is what I want!"
I say to Him;
"This is who I am!
This is who YOU SAID YOU
Created me to be!
AND I AM NOT.
You won't let me."
And like a million women
With empty wombs
who have gone on before me,
I watch the world
Pass
Me
By.
My faith is shaking.
The words "cosmic killjoy"
Ring in my ears, and
I struggle
To remember
The promises
I sing on Sunday morning.
I am not a child
Who didn't get their toy
And is having a fit.
I am a woman
Who has lost herself
And her every heart's desire;
I am a woman
Who remembers joy
That evades her grasp
And drifts on to
Someone else.
I am struggling
To find a way
To be thankful
To be focused
To praise
To breathe
To
Hope...
(Just a sidebar--although I appreciate the words of hope and promise that have been shared with me lately, it doesn't make this hurt any less. I've had 4 years of hopes and promises, with nothing to show for them. It doesn't mean there won't be; but it means there's not, right now. I don't know what the future holds, or where God will take David and I...what I do know, is that I am on my face before Him--mostly because I've been knocked down at the knees--and that I have nowhere else to go. The song that says "I need You, Jesus, to come to my rescue; where else can I go?" could be tattooed across my forehead right now, with how many times it's run through my head. Thank you for your love, and for your prayers...I am hurting. It doesn't mean I give up...but it does mean that I'm laying low. I appreciate the support.)
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