New year...so fresh, so clean

I'm typing this blog and listening to OutKast. As I sat down to write this, I just kept thinking, "Wow, it's a New Year! It's So Fresh, So Clean," which of course, I affiliate with the awesomeness of grace. But, since it's also the title of an OutKast song, I decided to pull up the lyrics and actually listen to the song...let's just say they're not talking about grace! But, now the track is in my head..."ain't nobody dope as me, I'm just so fresh, so clean!"
Doesn't it always seem like New Year's is such a clean slate? It's like, okay...how many times did I screw up in '09? Let's not repeat that in 2010! To tell the truth, I hadn't even really thought about the New Year until I read the Facebook status of one of the docs I work with. He commented on the change in his life over the past decade: Married, 3 kids, career...I had to pause and think about my life over the past 10 years.
In 2000, for y2K, I was on a truly awful date with a guy I had no business being around. I was at a club called "Voodoo," which tells you all you need to know about the place! I'd never been out for New Years, and I wish I would have learned from my mistakes, but nope--went out again on yet another truly awful date in '01! It was during those first 2 years after I graduated from college that I went through one of the darkest periods of my life...
But it's always darkest just before the dawn, right? And so it was...towards the end of 2002, I found myself in a place of happiness and self-discovery in Christ that was amazing. I found out who I was, and what I was made of, at least, for that time. I discovered that if my life were me and Christ, that was fine; in fact, that was awesome. I learned to be happy and at peace in my solitude, verses miserable in loneliness. I learned to be Cassidy, freckles, fat, and all...
2003 brought some amazing changes. After stripping down my heart and getting comfortable in my own skin, God saw fit to bring this strange new person into my life. David Cooley, met through a friend, started e-mailing me the dumbest things you could imagine in early 2003. It took a few months, but I finally decided to meet him in May. Our first date...well, that's another story.
In 2003, I learned about love for the first time in my life. I learned that you don't fall in love; you grow in it. I learned that when God is in a relationship, it's unlike anything that man could compare to. He truly put the two of us together, and the courtship began. We had more fun, more laughter, and more amazing time together...I had prayed for my future husband since I was 14, and there he was. He was unexpected, and such a blessing...through it all, he is my favorite, my best friend, my hero, and my truest love...
Love knocked me off of my feet. Not the gushy, melty kind of love (although I am prone to being swoony, LOL!)...this was a different kind of love, a different kind of communication. This was an unknown realm, and one centered on Christ. I'd never dated anyone who made me want to be a better person, and more importantly, a better Christian, and he still does that. David is a gift, and I love him ferociously.
We were married in April, 2005...and the hurricanes, storms, and tornadoes began shortly afterwards. From 2005-2009, there were few lulls in our lives. In 2005, I lost my step-mother, Nancy, to alcoholism. Before the disease changed who she was, she was the friendliest, most warm-hearted person I've met, and I miss her deeply. In the winter of '05, we also acquired our Holly-dog, who still warms our hearts and our feet every day! 2005-2006 brought several surgeries for me, and job changes for David, as well as the purchase of a new home, the relocation to Jefferson County, finding out I was unexpectedly pregnant, and the "fun" of packing up and moving. Yikes.
Of course, the most memorable thing for 2006 was the birth of my daughter, Hannah Elizabeth Gayle Cooley. Though she passed away at 29 days of age, that little darling changed both David and I, and our families, forever. Through the process of becoming a mother, I learned so much more about the love of God for His children...about the love of a Father. Having Hannah forced me to reconcile with my mother in new ways. I learned that I am capable of so much more than I ever thought possible...The lessons I learned in 34 weeks of pregnancy, and 1 month of hands-on motherhood are immeasurable...
2 days after Hannah was born, I was also introduced to heart disease, which has had a permanent effect on my life, and on David, as well. It paled in comparison with the grief of losing Hannah, but in this past year, I have confronted it head on, and so far, am succeeding in beating the so-called "death sentence" of congestive heart failure (thank You Jesus!!!!! Thank you, Dr. Shea!!!! Thank you, Dr. Mazei!!!!).
2006 taught us about life, love, loss, grace, family, and providence. Through it all, God carried us and took care of us...
So for 2007, I had a simple prayer: Father, let life be simple. Give us a year off. Let us simply be...let us breathe. And He did. We began the process of putting one foot in front of the other. The first year after losing our baby girl were the hardest, and though I read every book, took seminars, marinated in prayer, and more, my heart still hurt in a way that only time and grace could heal...which it has.
2008 began with a shock: David received a job offer which took us to Kentucky for a year. There, we learned even more about the value of our family, church, and friends. We missed them terribly, and though the money was nice, there were few regrets when David lost his job in the beginning of 2009.
And here we are...2009 meant that I rejoined Dr. Shea in her ever-growing practice in February (I remarked at the time that it felt like putting on a comfortable pair of well-broken-in shoes again. The office feels like home, and I'm so thankful to be there!). David continues to look for employment, but in spite of his lack of work, we have not been in lack. God has provided for us in the funniest of ways. From random gifts of clothing (which has all conveniently been in the right size) to strange reductions in bills, God has taken care of us. At one point, the financial worries seemed to crush me, but it's okay. We're okay, and there is peace, for the most part.
2009 also marked a renewed commitment to my personal health, through the kindness of Dr. Shea. On July 30th, I joined Take Shape For Life, and have now lost 40 pounds. I'm also a spokesperson for the American Heart Association, and have had the chance to share my story of heart disease in the St. Louis area, which is super-cool! I look forward to doing more with that in the future!
The last 10 years have been my Great Awakening. I spent my first 20 years of existence doing what I was told, playing the part of the good girl, and wearing a mask. All of the facades have been stripped off, and these years have been the time of seeing what I'm truly made of, at least, to this point. I've learned a lot about the value of faith, what grace truly means, how awesome the love of Jesus is, and more...I've learned to not be afraid of my opinions, but to try to gain a little bit of tact (Ha!!!!! Still working on that one!)...I've learned that I can be one scary woman when I'm pushed, and that it's okay, as long as it's for the right reasons...that righteous anger is nothing to be afraid of or apologize for...and that it's not arrogant to say that you've done a good job (still struggling with that one). I've learned that I am worth fighting for, because Jesus fought for me first. I've learned to appreciate solitude, and to love company...and that marriage will revolutionize your life (but not as much as motherhood!).
I've learned that what I once thought were the darkest days of my life are nothing compared to what followed...and that walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death does not have a fast-forward button. Shadows are dark, deep, and long, and the only way to get out from under them is to put one foot in front of the other. I've learned that sometimes you can't see the Light at the end, but you have faith that it's there, and you keep going.
I've learned that if the Word is true, and that Jesus keeps every one of my tears in a bottle, that there are oceans in Heaven with my name on them, and it's okay. He understands.
I've learned to be honest with God for both the good and the bad: He can handle it.
If I've learned one lesson over these last 10 years, it's this, and it's amazingly complicated in it's simplicity: Jesus Loves Me.
I am unlovable...but He loves me.
I'm taking the next 10 years to figure out why, and to try to love Him back more and more...
So fresh, so clean--that's what Jesus does for me. It's all about the journey of Grace.
Happy New Year, Happy New Decade. Happy Clean Slate, Happy So Fresh, So Clean. May your 2010 be full of health, abundance, grace, and lessons learned that will bring you closer to the heart of the Father....