I never thought this day would come.
I never thought the anniversary of Hannah's death would be met with anything but heavy, heavy grief.
But here we are...
Usually, I approach the time from 10/30-11/28 as kind of a "Monster At the End of This Book" paradigm. I dread it, from October 1st, on; when it hits, it's like a kink in a hose that's let go--there's a flood of sadness that can be pretty hard to navigate through.
This year is so different.
There are those (who are clueless) who will sit there and say that having another baby is some kind of miracle balm that is making this so much better. You're wrong, and I will not hesitate to say that very clearly: You. Are. Wrong.
Having another child does not "fix" the hole that is left when you lose your child. There is, simply put, nothing that "fixes" that hole. The only "miracle balm" is the love of Jesus--that's it. He loves you through the darkest days, and He hold your hand to walk you through the healing process. You're never completely healed, and you never forget where you were; however, you are slowly, but surely, equipped to not only move forward, but to glance backwards without falling into the vacuum of grief. At some point, you stop crying for the pain you went through at the time; instead, you cry for the opportunities you never got to have. That's something that will always hurt, I suppose--not knowing what could have been, mixed with a little bit of wondering what exactly happened, and why?
So, here we are...6 years ago, we said goodbye...
I can walk you through every minute of that day. I can remember the nurses, what I was wearing, how it felt--but I don't want to. Those who were there remember--for some of them, they will never forget. Those memories are not ones that I want to have--they're the ones the enemy attacks me with when I'm at my lowest moments. What he hasn't figured out, though, is that it's those memories that will send me running to my Father faster than anything else. You see, I've learned that there are some things I cannot handle on my own. I have to run to Him, because those things are too big to try and process on my own. He's always faithful to keep me from going under.
Today, I face the "Monster At the End of This Book." I embrace the memories with a strange kind of warm melancholy--yes, that's an intentional oxymoron--and maybe my heart hurts a little more than usual. But I'm okay...It's okay. I've found this place of peace, over the last year, and I feel like I can finally say that I am free from the heaviness that is always associated with this time. I asked David, and my Mom, if that was okay--I mean, is it disrespectful, to live life, and to move forward, during this time? Of course it is--it doesn't make me a bad mother, and it sure as heck doesn't mean that I've forgotten my beautiful Hannah-girl. But it is time...
It is time to move forward, and every year that goes by takes me to another phase of progress. I will always steal glances backwards...but I am far more inclined to look forward to not only my future here on this earth; I am inclined to look forward with far greater hope to the eternity that I have waiting for me...
Happy Angelversary, Hannah-girl--Happy Homecoming! You are loved, and you are in a place that's surrounded by the One Who Loves Us Most. I have no greater hope or healing than that...
Showing posts with label pregnant. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnant. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
A Pregnant Pause....For Battle.
When I look at my last post, I have to laugh. Last month, I posted all about how I was ready to "take the gloves off" and make some changes. Little did I know how important that attitude change would be...At the time of writing that blog, I was approximately 1 week pregnant, and completely unaware of it.
I've avoided blogging, since finding out that I was pregnant. This is mostly because I've made a promise to maintain transparency in my writing, and right now, that's not necessarily easy to do. My mom keeps telling me to "ponder things in my heart;" actually, that sounds more like "keep it a secret so no one knows what you're dealing with." There's a difference.
"Pondering things in my heart" means that I take the details/reports/research/fears/heartache/longing and I take it to my prayer closet (the Camry/bed), lay it down before the Father, and tell Him--and only Him--exactly how I feel. It means that only He hears the blood, sweat and tears. He hears the things I will not tell my husband, my mother, my sister, or my pastor. He hears the worst fears, and He hears the highest hopes; He hears the deepest anger and disappointments. He hears me say "Lord, I ask for Your Will...even though the last time I did that, I lost everything, and now I'm terrified to trust You." He hears me say, "I will try, I will try, I will try." "Pondering things in my heart" means that this very broken vessel only functions when I fall on my face before Him.
This doesn't mean that I walk around all day long like I'm some kind of a spiritual icon. It means that I wipe out, I fall down more than I stand up, I say stupid things, I get mad at the fax machine, and I basically act like Cassidy. It also means that I'm hyper-aware of my faults and failures, and that when I stop and pray, I feel more and more like a 5-year old who's just learning how to pray all over again.
Telling you what's actually going on is a scary prospect. I don't want the "attention" that comes with the cold, hard facts of this pregnancy. I also know that the phrase "who's report will you believe?!?" runs through my mind like a river. There are spiritual things taking place during this pregnancy that are mind-blowing. I'm taking it day-by-day, "building the wall," so to speak, and every day has its own revelation of sorts. So, if I tell you what's going on, please don't respond in fear. I AM NOT AFRAID. It makes no sense for me, to not be terrified. But I'm not afraid. Whatever God is doing, it's bigger than any fear I may have or have had. Nervous at times, yes...wondering and occasionally worried, yes. But I am not what I would call afraid. So if you're going to respond in fear, please don't. There's no place for that here.
This is why I've made the decision to not let a certain faction of my family know that I'm pregnant. I don't need their pity or worry, and I don't want it. Praying people know. That's what matters, and if that sounds harsh, I'm okay with your opinion. I also don't want to hear other people's pregnancy horror stories. I've lived through the worst thing that can happen. I don't want to know what else is out there, or how your cousin's sister's neighbor miscarried at such-and-such weeks, or about the stillbirth, or about any of that. I've already heard the stories, and thanks to the cameradarie of my fellow Angel Moms, I've cried with families that have experienced Hell. I know what's out there--please don't remind me. I don't have blinders on.
Here are the facts: I have a condition called Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome. It's a clotting disorder that can most likely be blamed for every heart-related issue that I had in my first pregnancy. It's pretty rare, and most doctors don't test for it until you've had 5-6 miscarriages. I am blessed to have one of the top perinatologists in the nation: Dr. Michael Paul at Missouri Baptist Hospital. He had a hunch, and tested me--he is a gift from God. APS can be tied to a lot of complications, but there is a battle plan to attack it. I'm on daily injections of blood thinners that I give myself. No--it's not fun. But I'm over it. Premature delivery is a common side effect of APS and/or the treatment for APS, so please join with me in praying against this. Our baby is due 2/16/13. As excited as I am to meet him/her, I don't want to see their beautiful face until then!!!
Hannah didn't die from my APS. Hannah caught a completely off-the-wall bug called late-onset Group B Strep. GBS typically comes from the mother--or so I thought. Late-Onset GBS does NOT come from the mother. It's a bacteria that colonizes on the skin and in the air. She could have got it from anyone, from anywhere. There is nothing preventative about it--there is no way of knowing how she got it, or how to keep it from happening again. Granted, the chances of a second occurrence are so rare that there aren't even any statistics for it. The sheer randomness of LOGBS is the one thing I will not allow myself to think about. Please do not try to discuss this topic with me. There are certain conversations that I have to be bold enough to stop before they start, and this is one of them. I trust Jesus.
Please understand: I am a different person than I was with my first pregnancy. I am scarred, I am broken, I am healed, and I am on guard in a way that I never knew was possible. I tend to be so open to suggestion, especially where fear is concerned. Fear has been a stronghold in my life since I can remember, and I've referenced that a lot in my blogging history. I will not let it dictate this time in my life. When I first found out that I was pregnant, I told 2 people, for prayer support. I waited through 5 days of lab tests/results/hell before I was bold enough to tell my husband--I didn't want to break his heart with a "maybe." I am only just beginning to let myself embrace the joy of being pregnant--only since Tammy Riddering taught the Song of Solomon class on trusting Jesus as a "safe Saviour." Of course He is--where else can I go? I've felt like I was on a battlefield against myself, more than anyone, since I found out that I was pregnant. I'm even on guard when I sleep--certain dreams, I wake myself up from; I find myself fighting in my dreams, even against people I love (this doesn't surprise me; sometimes the people you love the most, say the dumbest things!:). I am guarding what I watch on television, what I hear on the radio, where I let my mind wander. I'm not ostracizing myself; I just don't want to be open to negative suggestions. The media inspires fear, and I don't need any help in that department!
What I need, are my friends and family to pray. Do not pray in fear; pray in trust. In my heart, I believe that this pregnancy and a safe delivery are going to somehow knock walls down for the Kingdom. It's a long story, as to where that comes from, and I don't necessarily understand it. I've been reading Nehemiah, and though I don't really get why I'm studying the building of a wall, while hoping for the tearing down of walls, I do see incredible spiritual truths coming out of this reading. I don't mean to sound preachy--it's just where I am.
Someone said, "My wish for you is a BORING pregnancy." I love that--I would like nothing more, than to have that. Regular monitoring by the perinatologist (every 2 weeks) means that so far, it's interesting, but other than the injections, uneventful. I want to keep it that way. I want to be "normal." So, please join with me in unity to pray for a boring pregnancy...for a full-term, healthy baby that comes into this world with peace, no fear, and with amazing hope for a beautiful future. Pray for peace in my household...for financial organization, continued job stability, and that we (as in, my entire family) celebrate and embrace the joy of this pregnancy. Fear has no place here...only trust, grace, and joy.
Thanks for partnering with me in prayer, on the battleground that's already been claimed. You guys are more of an encouragement than I let you know. :)
P.S.--Graduate school/pre-classes for Graduate School has been put on pause until 8/2013. It's going to happen....but I'm in no hurry. :)
I've avoided blogging, since finding out that I was pregnant. This is mostly because I've made a promise to maintain transparency in my writing, and right now, that's not necessarily easy to do. My mom keeps telling me to "ponder things in my heart;" actually, that sounds more like "keep it a secret so no one knows what you're dealing with." There's a difference.
"Pondering things in my heart" means that I take the details/reports/research/fears/heartache/longing and I take it to my prayer closet (the Camry/bed), lay it down before the Father, and tell Him--and only Him--exactly how I feel. It means that only He hears the blood, sweat and tears. He hears the things I will not tell my husband, my mother, my sister, or my pastor. He hears the worst fears, and He hears the highest hopes; He hears the deepest anger and disappointments. He hears me say "Lord, I ask for Your Will...even though the last time I did that, I lost everything, and now I'm terrified to trust You." He hears me say, "I will try, I will try, I will try." "Pondering things in my heart" means that this very broken vessel only functions when I fall on my face before Him.
This doesn't mean that I walk around all day long like I'm some kind of a spiritual icon. It means that I wipe out, I fall down more than I stand up, I say stupid things, I get mad at the fax machine, and I basically act like Cassidy. It also means that I'm hyper-aware of my faults and failures, and that when I stop and pray, I feel more and more like a 5-year old who's just learning how to pray all over again.
Telling you what's actually going on is a scary prospect. I don't want the "attention" that comes with the cold, hard facts of this pregnancy. I also know that the phrase "who's report will you believe?!?" runs through my mind like a river. There are spiritual things taking place during this pregnancy that are mind-blowing. I'm taking it day-by-day, "building the wall," so to speak, and every day has its own revelation of sorts. So, if I tell you what's going on, please don't respond in fear. I AM NOT AFRAID. It makes no sense for me, to not be terrified. But I'm not afraid. Whatever God is doing, it's bigger than any fear I may have or have had. Nervous at times, yes...wondering and occasionally worried, yes. But I am not what I would call afraid. So if you're going to respond in fear, please don't. There's no place for that here.
This is why I've made the decision to not let a certain faction of my family know that I'm pregnant. I don't need their pity or worry, and I don't want it. Praying people know. That's what matters, and if that sounds harsh, I'm okay with your opinion. I also don't want to hear other people's pregnancy horror stories. I've lived through the worst thing that can happen. I don't want to know what else is out there, or how your cousin's sister's neighbor miscarried at such-and-such weeks, or about the stillbirth, or about any of that. I've already heard the stories, and thanks to the cameradarie of my fellow Angel Moms, I've cried with families that have experienced Hell. I know what's out there--please don't remind me. I don't have blinders on.
Here are the facts: I have a condition called Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome. It's a clotting disorder that can most likely be blamed for every heart-related issue that I had in my first pregnancy. It's pretty rare, and most doctors don't test for it until you've had 5-6 miscarriages. I am blessed to have one of the top perinatologists in the nation: Dr. Michael Paul at Missouri Baptist Hospital. He had a hunch, and tested me--he is a gift from God. APS can be tied to a lot of complications, but there is a battle plan to attack it. I'm on daily injections of blood thinners that I give myself. No--it's not fun. But I'm over it. Premature delivery is a common side effect of APS and/or the treatment for APS, so please join with me in praying against this. Our baby is due 2/16/13. As excited as I am to meet him/her, I don't want to see their beautiful face until then!!!
Hannah didn't die from my APS. Hannah caught a completely off-the-wall bug called late-onset Group B Strep. GBS typically comes from the mother--or so I thought. Late-Onset GBS does NOT come from the mother. It's a bacteria that colonizes on the skin and in the air. She could have got it from anyone, from anywhere. There is nothing preventative about it--there is no way of knowing how she got it, or how to keep it from happening again. Granted, the chances of a second occurrence are so rare that there aren't even any statistics for it. The sheer randomness of LOGBS is the one thing I will not allow myself to think about. Please do not try to discuss this topic with me. There are certain conversations that I have to be bold enough to stop before they start, and this is one of them. I trust Jesus.
Please understand: I am a different person than I was with my first pregnancy. I am scarred, I am broken, I am healed, and I am on guard in a way that I never knew was possible. I tend to be so open to suggestion, especially where fear is concerned. Fear has been a stronghold in my life since I can remember, and I've referenced that a lot in my blogging history. I will not let it dictate this time in my life. When I first found out that I was pregnant, I told 2 people, for prayer support. I waited through 5 days of lab tests/results/hell before I was bold enough to tell my husband--I didn't want to break his heart with a "maybe." I am only just beginning to let myself embrace the joy of being pregnant--only since Tammy Riddering taught the Song of Solomon class on trusting Jesus as a "safe Saviour." Of course He is--where else can I go? I've felt like I was on a battlefield against myself, more than anyone, since I found out that I was pregnant. I'm even on guard when I sleep--certain dreams, I wake myself up from; I find myself fighting in my dreams, even against people I love (this doesn't surprise me; sometimes the people you love the most, say the dumbest things!:). I am guarding what I watch on television, what I hear on the radio, where I let my mind wander. I'm not ostracizing myself; I just don't want to be open to negative suggestions. The media inspires fear, and I don't need any help in that department!
What I need, are my friends and family to pray. Do not pray in fear; pray in trust. In my heart, I believe that this pregnancy and a safe delivery are going to somehow knock walls down for the Kingdom. It's a long story, as to where that comes from, and I don't necessarily understand it. I've been reading Nehemiah, and though I don't really get why I'm studying the building of a wall, while hoping for the tearing down of walls, I do see incredible spiritual truths coming out of this reading. I don't mean to sound preachy--it's just where I am.
Someone said, "My wish for you is a BORING pregnancy." I love that--I would like nothing more, than to have that. Regular monitoring by the perinatologist (every 2 weeks) means that so far, it's interesting, but other than the injections, uneventful. I want to keep it that way. I want to be "normal." So, please join with me in unity to pray for a boring pregnancy...for a full-term, healthy baby that comes into this world with peace, no fear, and with amazing hope for a beautiful future. Pray for peace in my household...for financial organization, continued job stability, and that we (as in, my entire family) celebrate and embrace the joy of this pregnancy. Fear has no place here...only trust, grace, and joy.
Thanks for partnering with me in prayer, on the battleground that's already been claimed. You guys are more of an encouragement than I let you know. :)
P.S.--Graduate school/pre-classes for Graduate School has been put on pause until 8/2013. It's going to happen....but I'm in no hurry. :)
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