Updates, Labs, and 'Roid Rage...

Oh, those days where I know that I KNOW I'm running off at the mouth....I feel like those days should come with an automatic plunger for my face.

I totally feel sorry for this kid--you know that had to leave a mark!

That being said, last week, I got really sick...I made it through worship, but by the time it was done, I made it back home and went straight to bed UNTIL TUESDAY. I couldn't exactly pinpoint what was wrong; I've been feeling really run-down, my throat has hurt, and I was having such a heaviness in my chest that I kinda figured I had bronchitis, so I finally went to my Nurse Practitioner.
I've been under a lot of stress over the past few months (yeah, I guess cancer can do that). I've gained a lot of weight; my marriage is feeling "unsteady"; and my job has been busier than ever. Everything is weighing very heavily right now, and I feel like my walk with God is definitely suffering.
I've had NO energy, and I'm exhausted. The next friend of mine that puts their vacation pictures of a beach or a cruise ship on Facebook, I swear, I'm gonna barf. :)
All of that being said, it appears that I've simply caught a nasty virus, so they put me on Prednisone (a steroid) to ease the lung strain. Breathing--hey, it's important!
In the midst of that, my labs for February came back, and showed that nope, my thyroid meds STILL AREN'T REGULATED. Are you kidding me?!?!? IT'S BEEN 7 MONTHS!!!!!  COME ON, ALREADY!
Every time they mess with these meds, I gain weight, my anxiety levels go through the roof, and I pretty much feel like my brain is going to explode...It's incredibly difficult to function in this constant state of flux, and it wearies me, not to mention what it does to my family. I'm on my second endocrinologist, and I already feel like I want to knock the resident out. It's not him--it's me. It seems endocrinology is a branch of medicine that I hate. :) Unfortunately, it's something I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life...SO CAN WE GET THESE MEDS FIGURED OUT?!?!?
That being said, they've added Synthroid back in the mix (let's hope it's not enough to make my hair fall out again), plus the Armour Thyroid that I'm on...with all of this, I've decided to make the leap to a full does of the Wellbutrin (150mg) instead of the 75mg I was on.
So....steroids, new thyroid meds, and increased Wellbutrin.
I'm AMAZED at how much I can get done with this kind of energy, LOL. Of course, it also means I'm having difficulty sleeping....Once I'm off of the steroids, things should level out. I'll repeat labs toward the end of April (hey, I'm at 8-week intervals instead of 6-week intervals!), and at the end of July, we'll repeat my PET scan, most likely after a round of something called "Thyrogen," that I have yet to Google.
That being said, back to being sick: Emotionally, knowing that I have cancer in the lymph nodes of my neck is bothersome. Even though I know thyroid cancer is very slow-growing, non-aggressive, and non-life-threatening, being sick has made the nodes in my neck very swollen, which freaks me out...even though I know it's fine. After my next round of PET scans, depending on the node size, they're probably going to remove all of the lymph nodes in my neck. I need to take the time to educate myself on the consequences of that, but I haven't done research at this point, because I think it will be mentally burdensome. I feel like this virus-bug-thing is on it's way out; my nebulizer is a HUGE help, and I'm looking forward to some super-awesome weekend plans with my 3rd-grade bestie. :)
(That's a lot of commas...)
I'm hoping this med change will be the last for a while...I'm hoping I can learn to accept my body in this shape, and stop beating myself up for the weight I've gained (feeling bad just makes me eat more, I swear)...I'm hoping my marriage can catch a break where my health issues stop causing us so much stress, and stop affecting our communication/emotions/life in general....

The brightest spot of all has been, in a word, Jericho. He's funnier than ever; he's smart, he's bright, and yesterday, he learned his first Bible verse (Gen. 1:1). He's officially potty-trained (only took us 7 months), and he's brave. He announces himself when he walks into a room (sorry, Bread Co.), and he makes my heart explode in the best of ways...My husband is an amazing father to that little boy, and the two of them are bonding heavily over Legos right now (UGH. LEGOS.).

He knows his full name, his numbers, can count to 10 in Spanish, and is beginning to put his letters together to try to spell words (thank you, PBS!). We are beginning to discuss schools, and I'm trying to not be completely overwhelmed at the choices in education...(yeah, right!)...Praying for wisdom is an hourly thing in parenthood!!

The steroids I've been on have made me chatty and slightly-more unfiltered than normal, so my apologies if this is a TMI post...The truth is, I've been very sad lately...Up until this weekend, I'd say it's been since before Christmas that I can remember feeling "right," and it's been....well, sad. Nothing seems right, and I've felt like my joy got sucked out. All of the meds are now adjusted; I've always felt like when things are off chemically, it affects every facet, from the spiritual to the physical to the spiritual. I'm not really feeling like myself just yet, and probably won't until I'm off of the steroids; once the course is done, I think we may have our med combo figured out.

If this blog feels like it just goes in one big, static-ish circle, you're right--it's a rambly mess.
But that's kind of my life right now.
It's more good than bad, but it's a disorganized basket that's taking much longer than I have the patience for, to sort out...
Thank God He has some sort of a plan...knowing that, having faith in His abilities to make this ball of yarn into some kind of a tapestry, is a driving force for me. My life makes no sense...the things we've been through, as a family? In our marriage? None of it makes sense.
Jesus makes sense.
So, in this mess, I trust Him, and I discipline myself to find the joy in the best AND in the worst (and believe me, we've been through worse). These are not our darkest days, by ANY means...they're just frustrating days, but we're moving forward.
We keep walking, together, knowing that He will work all of this out for good, because we love Him. 

Like Butter on a Bald Monkey...

If you’re wondering about the title…if you missed the joke, and just think I’ve lost my mind…rest assured: You’re probably right.

But seriously, I have a deep, deep love of classic VeggieTales. That line comes from the “Dance of the Cucumber” song, and is actually sung first in Spanish; it sounds even funnier in a foreign language.

All that aside, I’m actually just writing this as a “quick” update on the whole cancer thing. You know, even though thyroid cancer is the “good” cancer, there’s a surprising amount of stress that comes with that word being a part of your life. There’s really nothing that prepares you for it, at any time, at any age. It’s just a shock to the system that takes some time to acclimate to. You find yourself being very quickly swept into the vernacular of cancer…into the relentless questions and internet searches, into multiple doctors’ appointments (even for “good” cancer), and into the belief that this word is hanging over your head like the proverbial Sword of Damacles. It’s like a little (in my case), dark cloud that smacks you in the head with a stinging raindrop on a day that you’ve spent an hour fixing your hair. It’s an obnoxious pest that isn’t going away any time soon…After all, it will linger on in medical records for your entire life span. You’ll never be able to leave that box unchecked again.

Now, I’m quick to differentiate my case—the “good” cancer—because I’m not really allowed to be a basketcase/whinebag  in the grand scheme of things. I have a friend who’s sister-in-law (a single mom with two kids and no child support) who’s dealing with 3 different kinds of cancer at once. She has like, 75 radiation treatments (to my one) and chemo (to my none); she isn’t able to work; and the doctors are giving scary prognoses that I don’t even want to put into writing. She has a lot of potential, but she needs a miracle. She’s too sick to work, her hair has fallen out, and she’s still looking at surgery after all of that. THAT is the “bad” cancer.

The “good” cancer scares the crap out of you and inconveniences your life. It doesn’t kill you, and it really (after the initial shock) has little-to-no chance of killing you down the road (if you’re a good girl and regularly do your labs and take your medicine). It changes your life, sure…but not like what my friend is going through. Please understand that when I do complain, I have that in the back of my mind: I am so lucky. I don’t know why I’m so lucky, but I’m grateful.

That being said, I have my own issues. They’re doable, just annoying. My case is a bit odd; in fact, my PCP is sending me for a second opinion, because my treatment thus far is pretty laid back (which appears to be the standard? Who knows?). We knew at surgery that there was a good chance they didn’t get all of the cancer out. One month post-surgery, I did my one-shot radiation treatment; it’s a pill. Just a simple, little pill that contains enough radiation to stay in your body for MONTHS…it’s bizarre, that such a thing exists. My post-radiation body scan confirmed that nope, they didn’t get all of the cancer; cancer cells were spotted in the lymph nodes of my neck and chest. My initial fear was “oh, crap—more surgery? More radiation?”  Nope. According to my current radiation oncologist, the little radioactive pill I took contained enough radiation to slowly-but-surely kill those cells off over the course of the next few months. I have labs every 6 weeks (for the next 2 years, I believe) to make sure my TSH and my Thyroid Globulin levels drop; those levels will let my endocrinologist and oncologist know that the cancer isn’t staging a comeback tour.

Now that the cancer is “dealt” with, the next-and-biggest issue is the fact that I don’t have a thyroid. This is a much bigger problem than I ever knew. Dude, your thyroid is IMPORTANT. Take care of it!!!!!!!!  Dr. Oz says that 2 Brazil nuts/day contain enough Selenium to support proper thyroid function. Yeah—do that.  Your body will thank you. I’m on a medication that I just found out is causing my hair to fall out—MY HAIR. If you know me, you know my hair. My hair is its own entity. I love my hair—it’s a great, big, giant curly mess that took me years to learn to control, and it’s just a big part of my ever-shrinking self-esteem (this is not a pity party. This is just a statement. It’s a struggle). Having handfuls of my hair fall out every day has taught me that first of all, I have a LOT of hair. Secondly, it’s a daily reminder that it could be SO MUCH WORSE. It’s another of those things that’s seriously annoying, but nowhere near as bad as other people have it. It was a bit of a shock, when it first started happening (2 weeks ago); I knew it wasn’t from the radiation. I assumed it was from not having a thyroid anymore. Yesterday, I found out that it’s from the medication (T4) I’ve been on (that just got increased); I’m going to have to stay on it a little while longer, but my doctor is putting me on something else that combines T3 and T4, which should stop (and hopefully, reverse) the hair loss. I still think I need to cut it, but I will be so thankful when it stops!!!! 

I want this to be over. I want to be done with it, and I never want to hear that word, again. I’m sure anyone else who’s had cancer can relate (regardless of whether or not it’s a “good” or a “bad” cancer). I know people who are dealing with daily radiation, daily labs, daily “inconveniences,” and I am amazed by their strength and courage. I’m a giant pansy—this has taught me that. I have a lot to learn. I feel so guilty for the complaints that I’ve made, but I also don’t want to pretend that certain complaints aren’t valid. It’s a weird, uncomfortable, strange path to be on, and it’s very isolating. Family and friends are supportive, but this type of cancer is so odd that you feel like you’re on this island where nobody “gets” you. “Regular” cancer patients think you’re a wuss, but really, the sheer removal of the thyroid is insanely debilitating. Getting the medications regulated isn’t easy (I’m finding that out), and the side effects are widespread. Sure, this is the “good” cancer…but it seems to me that it’s a “bad” organ to have removed. I may look like I’m fine (minus the thinning hair) but the reality is that I’ve got a ways to go. That takes some getting used to, especially for the people closest to me that have had to pick up more slack than usual for some time now.

I am most definitely feeling better. My voice is coming back (although an upper respiratory infection has me sounding nasty right now), and my energy levels are picking up. I think I’m emotionally in a better place than I’ve been in for a while, and I feel like I’m coming back around. Frankly, I’m glad to see the end of this summer; although I’ve had a lot of fun with my little guy and my family, it’s been a roller coaster for all of us, I think.

I think I’m hoping for some smooth sailing…at least, for a bit…

Smooth….like butter on a bald monkey.:)