Day 11: Assault of the iPod

I've actually REALLY been looking forward to today's post. I think a playlist says a lot about a person. So, today's challenge is to put your iPod on shuffle, and list the first 10 songs that played. Here's my list:

1.   “Joe Cool Blues” by Wynton Marsalis (I kid you not, that was the first song. I officially feel cooler than I did 10 minutes ago)
2.  “Bye Bye Bye” by ‘N Sync (Consider my "cool" feeling utterly destroyed)
3. “Kiss the Rain” by Yiruma (Yep--it's from the "Twilight" soundtrack. Shut up.)
4.  “Don’t Need A Reason” by Missy Higgins (Just a good singer. I really like her music).
5.  “Don’t Talk (Put Your Head on My Shoulder”) by The Beach Boys (I hate The Beach Boys. Or should I say, I dislike their "lead" singer? I lost a lot of respect for him after seeing part of a free concert of theirs a few years ago. I thought he was terribly rude.)
6.    “Above All” by Steve Fee and Candi Pearson (I have a lot of worship music on here, so I'm a bit surprised that only one song came up)
7. “Shelter From the Storm (Alternate Version)” by Bob Dylan (Kind of like Michael W Smith--I'm not a fan of the voice, but I like the lyrics. I just got my cool factor back!)
8.   “Creep” by Macy Gray (I love this version of this song. It's totally brilliant...minus Macy's weird need to drop F-bombs in the chorus!!! TOTALLY RUINS IT! I'm like, did you REALLY have to do that?!? It's so good, without it!)
9.     “Memory” by Sarah Brightman (Amazing. Perfect. Vocal history. Not enough words, to describe this woman's voice)
10. “Secret” by The Veronicas (Questionable band. I like them...but I don't know why.)

So, there you go. Form your own opinions. I've been in the process of trying to filter my music collection (bye, Tupac. Sigh), as it's time to grow up. It's time to purify.  So, slowly-but-surely, things are getting deleted....and I'm feeling a whole lot better about listening to my iPod around my son...

Day 10: Your First Kiss, and Your First Love

Gee, that’s kinda personal…

I was 14 years old, when I was kissed for the very first time…by John Potter….at a church retreat. Yay, church retreats! Sorry, youth pastors!

It was your typical, super-sweet kind of kiss that you put in the back of your memory and cherish for its innocence…but I think that 14 is way too young to be getting your first kiss (at least, for MY son)!!! 

My first love was a summer romance that was also the kind of thing that you put in the back of your memory, and cherish for its innocence…His name was Scott, he was a little younger than me, and we met while I was working in a grocery store during my summer leave from college. He had to finish his senior year; I had to go away to school…you can see it was doomed from the start. I broke it off—I was the Mean Girl, and I didn’t handle it well. I have absolutely nothing negative to say about him or the relationship. It was a beautiful thing—my mother was appalled, and I didn’t care. His home life was terrible; mine was stressed. We liked nothing more than the peacefulness of driving down back roads and blaring the stereo as loud as we could (I blame Scott for my love of country roads, taking the long way home, and for a pickup truck). He played guitar (no, I mean, HE PLAYED guitar. This guy played sessions with BB King. He’s phenomenal), and I have to say that I really and truly loved him. He actually played Celine Dion songs for me in the car—so, I have a suspicion that he loved me, too.

But, the separation of college (and the advances of a particular student) had me wondering if the grass was greener? And in my foolishness, I sent him a “Dear Scott” letter…(I absolutely did not break it off with him, because I started something else. “Something else” wouldn’t interrupt my life for a few more weeks). If I had it all to do over again, I wouldn’t change a thing about that summer. It was the stuff that country songs and Disney radio thrive off of. The only thing I would change is how/when/where I broke it off, because that was stupid. The summer of 1996 is on my list of favorite summers, and I have very few regrets.  That fall, however? NOTHING but regrets. I think the comparison of that summer and fall/winter made me value the innocence of the relationship that I had with Scott, even more.

I ran into his sister a few years after we broke up, and she was STILL furious with me. I didn’t realize that I’d broken his heart…and that broke mine, because I’d ruined a wonderful thing. Scott & I reconnected on Facebook a few years ago, and caught up…but I am married now, to an incredible guy, so the conversation was handled delicately.

My husband generally doesn’t read my blog; he knows my story, so I don’t really have a problem writing all of this out there. We were in our late 20’s when we met, so we both have past relationships and stories. This is where it counts: Scott may have been my first love, but David is my TRUE love. He’s the man God meant for me, and I wouldn’t trade him for anything. However, if David wrote about his true love, I’d be clawing the computer screen out (‘cause I’m jealous like that). I think that David is secure enough in our relationship to appreciate the nuances of a summer romance.

I met my husband in person on May 3^rd, 2002, and our first summer together was an amazing season of learning, experiencing, trial-and-error, and more. THAT summer was so much more than a “summer romance;” it was a summer of laying foundations…of breaking off scars and wounds….of healing and hoping, and of beautiful, exquisite wonder…

So, as I’m writing about that “first love,”  just know that although I look back on that relationship fondly, it’s okay. We should be able to have pleasant memories with our exes, without our spouse feeling threatened or without people throwing suspicion or accusations around. It’s a happy memory, from a long time ago…but it’s just a memory.

When I leave this place tonight, I’m going home to my present…and it is such a gift! I wouldn’t change a thing.

Day 9: What You Hope Your Future Will Be Like...

I'm a huge fan of the X-Men. I've liked them since I was a kid; I'd watch the cartoon, and I was fascinated with Rogue. Now the cartoons are on Netflix, and I will admit to binge-watching them on occasion. I wasn't overly thrilled with the movie's portrayal of Rogue, but whatever. They'll eventually get it right! I totally loved the X-Men: The First Class movie.
A bunch of kids...total freaks and outcasts...so uncomfortable in their own skin...Young people, who already have so much to deal with, have the added "benefit" of powers and bodies that seem out of their control...And two "saviors" who come in, give them direction and hope, and eventually give them a purpose and a sense of worth. 
The kids have no idea what's coming...They have no idea what's next, or what they can do...They don't understand their role, but WE do, because we've seen the other X-Men movies. They don't understand that they're not outcasts, but we do, because we know about Dr. Xavier's awesome school (that we all secretly wish we could go to). We understand, because we know what their future holds.
I have no idea what my future holds. 
This blog challenge has already asked about where I hope to be in 10 years, and frankly, that's about as far out as I can let myself think. Life is precious--why do I want to waste time with would've/could've/should've/might happen? The Bible says not to freak out about the future; I have enough of a challenge, not freaking out about TONIGHT. My goals are simple: Stay married. Stay in love. Stay communicative with that guy I married. Be a mom, but only after being a wife (which is hard, because in my head, I want to be a mom, first...but that's actually bad parenting--unless you're a single parent--I can't be a good mom, unless I can put being a wife, first, because it takes the both of us together to raise our son. Neither of us can do it alone; learning that new dependence on each other is pushing us into a new phase of our marriage which is not easy. As most new parents do, we are struggling to communicate with each other, and struggling to run our household, jobs, etc.; we are SO dependent on God!) But seriously--I hope my future reflects just a little bit of that "white picket fence" family that I always envied as a child..just a little bit...because those Brady-types are WAY too boring and polite for me! :)
Besides having a complete family in the future (well, as complete as it's going to be...someone will always be missing...) I'd really, truly like to be debt-free. Financial issues are the biggest thing that we fight about in our marriage, and we've honestly struggled quite a bit. I'd really, really like to be in a place where if we're called to the mission field, that we can simply go. That requires a simpler kind of living than we've had. There are a lot of practices that have to be given up, and we're in the beginning processes of working through those. It's time to strip down, cut back, and pare away...I think there's a freedom there, that we are on our way to discovering...
I want to write...I want to sing...I want to publish...I have a huge list of "wants," but I don't know if they're what my future looks like. I think that, just like when I was a kid, my dreams of being a wife and a mother are what I want my future to continue to be. "Just" that. There's such a satisfaction there...I don't NEED anything else in my future. If I'm never published, that's fine...if I never record that demo that's always been in the back of my mind, it's okay. If my Great American Novel never comes out of this keyboard, it's okay. 
I need to embrace that level of contentment on a minute-by-minute basis....I hope, in my future, that I've learned to apply that to everything from food to shopping.

Philippians 4:11-13 ESV 

"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me."

I don't know what the future holds. I'm not an X-man. I don't have any cool powers, and no one has made a movie about my life or my contribution to society. However, God took care of a lot of it when He wrote the Bible, because that love letter from Him tells me that regardless of what's in my future, it's going to be just fine. As the saying goes, "I know not what the future holds, but I know Who holds my future." It's true. He holds me. So, my future looks beautiful...

Day 8: A Moment That You Felt the Most Satisfied in Life

I'm not an easily satisfied person. If I had to choose, though, I'd say that one of the times in life that I felt the most satisfied, was when I realized I'd seriously gotten married! I was so scared, so convinced that it was crazy...but it wasn't. We had our hilarious ceremony, but it was afterward, when we were taking our pictures, that it kinda sunk in-we'd gotten married!! And since God hadn't struck us all with lightening like I'd asked Him too (if we shouldn't do this act of insanity), then we were following His plan!
We had so much fun taking pictures, that we were over an hour late getting to the reception....
But we were GLORIOUSLY happy!!! And satisfied in God's will...
Other days of perfection were hard-fought: the births of our children. Being a wife & a mom is my greatest goal in life...period. I've won a few really cool academic awards/scholarships...had a few cool professional things happen...but only being a wife-then-mom makes me feel fulfilled. The only other time I can remember coming remotely close is the feeling I've had after performing in a musical, LOL-there's nothing quite as awesome as that feeling when you've sang your guts out, & you know you did good! So, I'd like to do that again...
Satisfaction is something that I know can truly only be found in Christ. Finding time to seek Him as thoroughly as I'd like can be difficult with such a hectic schedule; but I know He is what makes even the tiniest tasks "satisfying." That's a goal for me...making Him my satisfaction, above my roles that I play...It's Child of God, wife, mom, daughter, employee....CFO....housekeeper...bargain shopper...brownie chef....eh, you get the point!

Day 7: What does your horoscope say about you?

Disclaimer: I do not believe in horoscopes, and believe that the Bible counsels us as Christians to avoid them, to avoid believing in them, and to avoid seeking their counsel. I haven't looked at one in years, and I had to Google this to even answer the question. I think this is crap. And there you go.

So, here's what Google says about me:
1. I'm a "Scorpio on the cusp of a Sagittarius,"
2. I don't know what that means.
3. I'm apparently "ruled by Pluto and Jupiter, and seconded by Mars." Based on my limited knowledge of Roman and Greek Gods, Mars is a god of war; Jupiter is a huge planet; and Pluto's not even a planet anymore.....therefore, I REALLY don't know what this means.
4.  This came up: The most important lesson to be learned by Scorpio/Sagittarius natives is to be aware of the fact that their passionate nature can easily lead them into self-indulgance and/or compulsion. Since I'm a compulsive eater/shopper, they may have me on this one...
5. They also have me on this one...but someone's gonna have to push me out of the plane if I actually get the chance to go skydiving..." They are apt to prefer solitary or one-on-one sports that will stretch them to the limit…skydiving or big game fishing, for example. They are also likely to be rather lucky souls and probably enjoy gambling, while the philosophical aspect of their character denotes a fondness for drama and debate." I do like to gamble...or at least, I did on the only time I was exposed to it...which is why there will not be a second time, LOL...and I do not play well with others, for the record...

If you want to read anything else about what the skies evidently say about me, you go right ahead. Here's the link: http://excitingredbonelightning.com/post/1435692643/scorpio-sagittarius-cusphttp://excitingredbonelightning.com/post/1435692643/scorpio-sagittarius-cusp
I'm not reading anymore, because I think this stuff is dangerous, especially for me.

I trust Jesus. He made the skies....and truthfully, I believe the atmospheres and heavens shifted during the Flood, so our current solar system view is a little off. See Bill Banks' book about the Judaic constellations for more information--it's WAY more accurate. :)
And there you go!  (Sorry--just not into the whole horoscope thing. Really makes me uncomfortable).

Day 6: Write 30 Interesting Facts About Yourself

30 interesting things about me?!?!?  What the heck? I'm kinda boring. Okay, but this will be SO random, and potentially self-incriminating:
1. I don't tolerate alcohol well. Seriously--I'm a cheap date. I usually save the glass of wine for home.
2. If I miss my cup of coffee in the morning, heads will roll. Usually my husbands. Me - Coffee = Trainwreck. I tried to give it up during my pregnancy, but I kinda failed. Half-caff was a good change, but I'm back, baby!
3. Although I will periodically gain and lose, I've pretty much been the same size since college. Kinda frustrating, but I guess it's kinda good...I mean, at least I'm not twice the size I was in college, right? I'd like to get back to my high school weight...but who wouldn't?
4.  I really, really like wheeling and dealing online. Resale sites on Facebook are my new thing, but at least once a year, if I have the time, I will overhaul my closet and make a killing on eBay. And no, I WILL NOT SELL THINGS FOR YOU. That's my solemn vow to myself. I've tried it before, and it just ends up in hurt feelings. I barely sell things for my husband.
5. If I could get a publishing deal, I'd love to spend my life writing books or novels...but my first love is children's books. I have some brilliant (IMHO) ideas for stories that I can't wait to tell JD.
6. I really, really miss singing. I don't ever want to headline, but I'd love doing BGVs for someone. Dream act: Jewel, hands down. Or Sarah Mac. I do not, however, want to be a BGVist who has to manage choreography. The Dap Kings can have all of that they want; it's not for me.
7. I'd someday like to try my hand at being a professional product reviewer. I actually think it'd be a perfect fit; I like stuff, and I like to write. However, I have no idea how to get into that field.
8.  I am a die-hard 7-day Creationist. It's non-negotiable, and no, it isn't because my Sunday School teacher made me that way. It's because I've done the research, attended the seminars, read the books (it's been a while, though), and formed my own opinion. I will not argue or debate this with anyone; you're all entitled to your beliefs. I will never call evolution OR Creation a "Fact;" scientifically, it's all a theory, which is why I believe BOTH should be taught in schools. I've studied 4 major theories of theistic evolution, along with evolution, and 7-day Creation. I stand with the 7-dayers--it's what I believe, and I'm entitled to it.
9. I stick my feet in my mouth a lot. Figuratively, of course--have you seen me?!? I could never be that flexible.
10. I'm much braver on paper.
11. I use coffee filters to wax my eyebrows. (Is that "interesting?" Or just plain weird? It's a tip I found in Lucky magazine. Works incredibly well.)
12.  My car will hit 200,000 miles this month. I'm thinking of throwing her a party.
13.  Speaking of my car, she is indelibly a "she." I've named every car I've ever owned; the CooleyCamry is officially known as "Grandma Obama." I call her this, because when I got my first license plate on my "grandma" car (it's an old Toyota, and there's like, a million grandmas who drive that model), the plate started with "OBM." So, it was either "Grandma Obama" or "Oh, BM!" I've also owned "The Yeti" (Ford Tempo with broken automatics seatbelt) and "The Beast" (1979 Ford Fairmont). I will never drive another Ford product. The Camry is, hands down, the greatest car I have ever known. She was given to me, and she is my Israelite sandals.
14.  My hair is naturally curly. However, it did not become so, until I was 13. Talk about an eye-opener!!!
15.  I am, at 5'7", the tallest female in my entire family (blood family, not step). And, I'm taller than most of the guys. Mom's adopted, so I'm thinking whoever her bio-dad was, must have been tall. My sister is exactly 5', and even though she beat me up all of the time (even after I outgrew her), I didn't take advantage of my height/weights supremacy until I was 18. Then, I kicked her @$$, haha! And then...Mom kicked mine. Seriously. (Funniest story of my life. Still can't tell it without practically crying).
16.   I have loved flamingos since the 4th grade, when the two cool girls (Rachael and Jenny) liked flamingos, and I wanted to fit in. However, I realized that I really, TRULY liked the fluffy pink things, and it's been a lifelong love. They're one of the only things I can actually draw well; I drew a children's book called "Frankie the Flamingo Goes to the Chiropractor" for my old boss, and I think it rocked. (Of course I do!)
17.  Leaving my son behind every day that I go to work is not getting easier. Anyone who says it does is a filthy liar.
18.  If David would let me, I'd have at least 5 other tattoos. As it is, I have one (my late daughter's footprint), and am planning one more. If I didn't get one more, JD would grow up and be jealous.
19.  There are over 17,000 songs on my iPod. Music is my biggest addiction; I can't work without it.
20.  I grow increasingly agoraphobic as I get older, much like my mother. I don’t like crowds, and I don’t like concerts. I get invited to them all of the time, but they freak me out. Don’t touch me!!
21.  It’s pretty rare for me to drink soda. I mean, yes, I have my morning coffee…but other than that, I am one of the biggest water drinkers you will ever meet. I like water. It’s good for me, and it may be my only healthy habit. J
22.  I think pop culture is very important. Raising a child in this world requires a careful balance between insulating and alienating. I want my son to see “The Wizard of Oz,” and to know who Pink Floyd is. It doesn’t mean that I make him listen to boatloads of Led Zepplin or Jay-Z; it just means that maybe I play a snippet of them, so that he knows who those people are. Maybe I play “Lose Yourself” for him, but follow it with KJ-52. I want him to appreciate the musical genius of these artists, but to also appreciate that you can be a musical genius with a heart for God, kinda like Keegan Fowler, LOL.
23.  I absolutely cannot play an instrument, and I flunked Music Theory. Twice. This is why I say I am a singer, not a musician. There’s a huge difference. I can hear what I’m supposed to sing, but don’t tell me to sing a third. Not happening—you add numbers, and I’m confused. Totally left-brained.
24.  I don’t feel 35. I’ve never felt my age. I think I still feel 27, and perhaps, I still look it. You can only see my wrinkles when I’m totally exhausted, so I’m hanging on…Thanks, Mom!
25.  My most favorite TV show of all time is “Alias.” Sydney Bristow is my homegirl. Favorite movie: “The Princess Bride,” naturally.
26. When David and I got married, we danced to “A Moment Like This,” by Kelly Clarkson. Not because we liked the song—it was unspeakably cheesy, and we knew it. We had no idea what to dance to; David doesn’t dance, and we look ridiculous when we try. But we had only danced together one other time, to that song, so it made sense. Still can’t hear it without getting a little teary-eyed.
27.  When I was in college, I would go to 18-up clubs and dance my rear off. I’d dance on the bar, on a table, you name it; I’d hear people ask my friends, “How drunk is she?!?!” Never drunk. Stone-cold sober. I just like to dance.
28. In fact, I have never been what most people would define as “drunk.” See #1—it doesn’t take much for me to feel  a little tipsy, which is usually followed by a bit of a headache. That’s my warning, and that’s when I stop. I’ve seen too many people get drunk and hurl, which is not pretty.  My bio-dad is a full-blown, hardcore alcoholic, so I respect the stuff.
29. I have never smoked anything. Nothing—never tried, which I’m really proud of. I promised God I wouldn’t…and He gave me a vocal scholarship to college, which was astounding, because I’m not that good of a singer (mediocre at best—see #23).
30.  I am actually a brown belt in Tae Kwon Do (from age 13). I can still do a mean spinning kick. And I can deliver a knockout Right. Don’t test me, fool.

So, there you go—30 different/interesting facts about boring old me. I don’t think they were that interesting, but the challenge required it. There you go—nothing spiritual, nothing emotional, and nothing all that revolutionary….Just another day in The Random of Cassidy. J

Day 5: A Time You Thought About Ending Your Own Life...

Whoa-it just got real. This blog challenge seems to run from the mundane to the very, very serious. When I read that title, it was like cold water had just been tossed on me. I could give you the answers that you want to hear--"Oh, I'd never!"--but I made a promise to be honest in what I wrote.

A lot of people don't know that suicide is very personal to me--I lost my step-grandfather and my aunt to it. There is much to both stories that is not for blogging; some things need to remain private, even for me. The bottom line is that both losses were very painful for my family to go through, and are not something we talk about very often. I loved my aunt--she was vibrant and funny, and far too young. I don't understand her reasonings, but anyone could deduce that her heart was hurting. Her loss was particularly devastating to me, especially as I was still a teenager at the time...

I've always looked at suicide as a coward's way out. You kill yourself, you don't have to face the consequences. You don't have to look at your mother's face, you don't have to clean up the mess you've made. You're scott-free, and that's not fair. You've run away from reality--the reality that you are loved, that life is hard, and that it will--it DOES--get better. It does, even when you're in the deepest valley. That sounds really, really cliche, unless it's coming from someone who's looked hell in the face. Well, I have, and if I can say it gets better, then darn it, you have to believe that it does.

I can remember wanting to run into traffic as a small child. I can remember thinking that the world would be better if I wasn't around. I felt like an outcast, even at home, because my personality is so different from most people and family that I knew. I was the result of an unplanned pregnancy, and I never fully realized that my mother DIDN'T regret having me. It took the birth and death of my first child for me to have that conversation with my mom--I spent my entire youth thinking that she'd wished she'd had that abortion. That's pretty brutal, and the enemy had a field day with me. Please don't get me wrong--my mother loves me-she always has. But the smallest things can be used as a weapon, and that wound its way into my psyche like a parasite.

I've never really been afraid to die; my heart problems were initially diagnosed when I was 18 (mild arrhythmia, attributed to stress), and I'm about as accident-prone as they come. I'm more afraid of missing out on something, though, and I think that curiosity/nosiness has kept me from taking my own life on many occasions. Looking back, I've probably struggled with depression since I was 15...the trigger was most likely the death of my grandmother, who was my mostest-favoritest person in the whole, wide world. Her death had a huge impact on my life, as she was the one person who ALWAYS made me feel loved...Grandma Myers was my refuge, and when she died, I was anchor-less, even though I was raised in the church and knew that God was supposed to be my hiding place.

The thoughts to end my own life were (obviously) the hardest to combat after my daughter died. I've never made a serious attempt, although I did have at least one occasion where I pushed the limits. Definitely not my finest point. There is no "set time" when I thought about ending my own life. Truth be told, I think that my personal tendencies in that direction are the strongest when my hormones are out of whack. So, about once a month, I have to fight thoughts of driving my car into a cliff. It's been that way for as long as I can remember. I can recognize it; I know the counter-measures, and I know the consequences. It's not a thought-trail that I allow myself to go down, by the grace of God, but it is an issue that I have to be careful with.

Life is beautiful. It took 3 years after the loss of my daughter, for me to remember how it felt to laugh...for me to come back to  reality as a mother who had lost her child. I spent two years in the deepest valley of despair that you could imagine, and suicidal thoughts were a constant battle. The Valley of the Shadow of Death is more of a battlefield...and death casts a long, long shadow. When the sun finally began to creep out again, it shone on a whole, new world that I'm still getting used to.  Hannah would be turning 7 this October, in the first grade, and probably covering the world in glitter. My son just turned 6 months old....my little guy with his giant, Charlie Brown head and his beautiful green eyes brings me more joy than I ever thought possible. Just seeing his picture on my desk can bring me to tears of happiness. I didn't think I'd ever know such joy again. If I could go back to me as a teenager...as a new mother (with Hannah)...as a devastated woman who had no child to hold, and a broken heart...If I could go back and see myself sitting in that bathtub with my bottle of wine and my bottle of meds, waiting to see which would knock me out first...
If I could go back, and show myself a picture of my beautiful boy...
Or let myself know about the lives that Hannah's story has touched...
Or let myself know that the road is long, but so totally worth taking...
Or let myself know that yes, there is a husband for you, and he is amazing...
Or let myself know that the man I married was the strongest, bravest person I would ever meet, and that he would love me through my darkness...
If I could go back to those times of utter despair, and just let myself know that yes, it's a fact: God is there. He is here. He never lets me go. He will ALWAYS be there, even when your head is bowed, and you can't raise your face to see the sun...
Life becomes beautiful again through our weakness, because it's in His strength that we keep walking. It's in His strength that we finally look up and notice that the clouds have passed, and we can go on...broken, fixed, healed but scarred...we can not only survive our darkness; we can revolutionize the world with our testimonies.
So, minus my monthly hormonal swings and occasional thoughts (and my brief-but-treated round with postpartum depression), it's been a long, long time since I toyed with "what if I did?" But I have, and I think I have to be honest about that. Being a Christian doesn't mean you don't think about it--in fact, I think you just might think about it more, because Heaven sounds so much better than earth. But you can't win people to Christ if you're dead, and that's what we're supposed to do while we're here. We stay. We live, we breathe, we share our testimonies, and we raise the next generation to honor the Lord. Suicide is selfish and cowardly. We're called to be brave and strong, and to seek Him for the resources to do so.

But when you just can't....when you really, truly feel like you can't go on, even in His strength, there is hope. There is help. Just because you're a Christian, doesn't mean that you have to fight alone. And it doesn't mean that sometimes, our chemicals/hormones/neurotransmitters don't get a little messed up! So if you need or are on medication for depression or imbalances, don't think for a second that there's anything wrong with that. If you personally are struggling with suicidal thoughts, please click here:
It's a link to a list of hotlines that are for Broken Believers, and they can help. At my darkest times, I sought counseling from Dr. Mary Jo Schneller at South County Christian Counseling; you can reach her at (314) 729-0481, or online at www.scccchome.com.  There is hope, and there is healing. And life is a wonderful, beautiful gift! :)