...And...

If you're looking for Susie-so-Happy, that is not me, right now. I told a friend tonight that one thing I hated about books on the grieving "process" is how they candy-coat things into making it all sound so holy and perfect.
I am not "holy and perfect" right now.
My life is not all about my loss. There is much, much more to me, and losing my daughter is only a percentage. I'm a fairly "normal" person, and that is only part of my "story." It doesn't "define" me. I am comfortable around pregnant people, I can go to baby showers, I can cuddle most infants, I can walk through the baby department, and I will not go postal, so please don't judge me and say that you think I have a problem around someone because they're in the maternal way. Yippee for them. No, really--I have a deep love for pregnancy. It's the most beautiful time in a woman's life, and babies are AWESOME. That being said...
There are certain parts of losing a family member (no matter how small they were) that one must go through. You eventually have to go through their things; eventually, no matter the age, you have to decide on things to get rid of.
First, we got rid of the diapers...the formula...anything new went back to the store, or to the unending number of people that were pregnant at the same time I was.
Certain things were initially held back...a Blues hockey onesie, a particular dress...then, slowly, even those things began to find homes. Some things are still in storage (I haven't given up hope-hope is restored, I am hanging on, etc)=, but some things must be passed along for the sake of space.
This is a small house.
We bought the crib, secondhand. It came with a changing table...the mattress, we purchased brand-new.
"New crib mattress for sale...never used."
They've sat there, in our "nursery," for 4 1/2 years.
The time has come.
They have been passed along.
My nursery is empty.
As practical as I know this is (I have nephews that would like to have a bed to sleep on; we're now looking for bunk beds or a trundle bed to put in there, so if you know anyone, please let us know), words can't describe how much this sucks.
Please don't say, "I'm so sorry." I'm not trying to elicit a compassionate response. This will be fine--I will be okay.
David told me not to go in there, after they came to take the crib away...he said to wait.
I couldn't.
I walked in
This pain is palpable.
I feel like I've been disemboweled.
There is no holiness to this feeling.
There is only leaning.
I can't stand up.
I wasn't even going to write about this, because I feel so much of this very painful journey has been so public...recent doctor's visits have cut my feet out from underneath of me, and I find myself struggling to breathe.
I've actually been sick with some kind of throat infection for almost a month, and I can't help but think the "funk" from the December cardiologist's visit upset me so much that my immune system shut down. I'm on my second round of antibiotics, and I'm exhausted...
I'm back to working out 2x/week, and I'm hoping to consistently get to 3x/week, in spite of being sick. That's got to help, right?
I have an amazing network of friends....I'm sure they're sick of me by now. I have an amazing husband...my family is fractured right now, so I'm trying not to talk to them about this.
This is not about giving up hope...
This is not about not trusting Him.
This is about today.
Today hurts.
Today, I'm not angry...
Today, the fact that we bought furniture we planned to use...and never got to use...hurts my heart.
The fact that the furniture went to someone who will grow up in love, lessens that pain, and helps me to pray for that family...that there would be miraculous provision...strength...phenomenal peace...and nothing but the greatest of blessings.
Today I prayed over that furniture, before I said goodbye (in tears).
And I thanked God for the day that will come,
When I will have the need to ask for it back.

Abortion, Adoption, and Government Redefinition

I'm not the most politically minded girl. I rarely comment on political things, since I don't really pay a whole lot of attention to that section of the news (it usually frustrates me into a coma, when I do), but every now and then, the perfect storm of a particular issue will get under my skin. And, every now and then, I dig a little deeper to find out what all of the ruckus is about...
First of all, let me preface this:
I'm a registered Republican. Does that mean I always agree with my party? Heck, no. But if you must know, in order to validate my political tantrum, then yes, I'm a Republican.
Most importantly, I'm a Christian. No, I'm not going to hit you over the head with a Bible and tell you you're doomed....but I am going to tell you that I believe God loves you, and that this cosmic killjoy with a beard that we're taught to envision, is not the God Who loves us so amazingly.
Thirdly, I am 100% pro-life. I didn't believe in abortion before I got pregnant, due to my own research on fetal development and my values of life....and I sure as heck don't believe in it now that I've felt that life grow within me. I was born at a completely inopportune time for my mother; she considered aborting me. Since she changed her mind, I can't help but be grateful that my mom honored life...and so do I.
That being said, I have several friends who are pro-choice, hate Christians, and are Democrats. I'm okay with that--I love them for who they are, not for their political/religious beliefs.
New legislation is pending with "health care reform." For the record, since I'm establishing myself before I make my point, I am AGAINST GOVERNMENT-SPONSORED HEALTH CARE REFORM. Anyone who has worked with the current government-sponsored health care reform (Medicare/Medicaid) will tell you it is SEVERELY FLAWED, and the idiots who came up with it, have no business in the health care industry. Health care reform should be privatized by an institution blending physicians in several specialties, and patients/staff who have seen both sides of the issues. Doctors, with no ties to any pharmaceutical company whatsoever, are the only people I'd trust to dictate standards of "necessary" care--not politicians, not drug companies, and definitely not the government. But, that's my perfect world...I digress.
I am against the federal funding of abortion. I believe we as taxpayers should have the option to deny our personal monies being delegated to support the abortion industry. I would love to see the word "abortion" replaced by "adoption" in our vocabularies, and I would love even more, to see the women in these situations, given counseling options that are truly considerate of where they are in life.
That being said, abortions performed in the case of rape or incest have always warranted a turned head from most people. Most of us would say, "Absolutely-who would want to carry the product of rape or incest to term?" I don't know the answer to that. In a perfect world, a woman would be given the degree of counseling that she needs to make that decision with peace...but if someone hasn't been in that situation, you can't expect them to understand the decision she makes.
Can you imagine? Having someone invade you so horribly, that all you want to do is wash it away--all you want to do is forget the trauma you went through...and then you find out that you can't.
I am adamantly pro-life; I'd like to think I would not abort that child, that I have enough of a support group to carry me and my husband through that situation. But I think of a time in my life where "no means no" didn't apply, and the years of pain that followed...had I become pregnant from that encounter, I don't know what I would have done.
And now, with the government stepping in with a "redefinition of rape," I don't know if there would have been anyone to help me, regardless:

'"The House Republicans' second major legislative masterwork since coming into power — the first being a symbolic go-nowhere bill to repeal the Democrats' health care reform law — is called the "No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act." Direct taxpayer funding for abortion has been outlawed since 1976. But the new health care law brought back this debate about what counts as "taxpayer funding for abortion." What about government tax breaks or subsidies for plans that include abortion coverage? The GOP's new bill, among other things, would eliminate the health insurance tax-deduction for any plans that offer abortion coverage, meaning those plans would cease to exist.

But for years, there have been exceptions for abortions that are eligible for federal funding: In case of rape, incest, and when the pregnancy endangers the mother's life. The "No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act" would make some changes to trifecta! Mother Jones' Nick Baumann reports:

With this legislation, which was introduced last week by Rep. Chris Smith (R-N.J.), Republicans propose that the rape exemption be limited to "forcible rape." This would rule out federal assistance for abortions in many rape cases, including instances of statutory rape, many of which are non-forcible. For example: If a 13-year-old girl is impregnated by a 24-year-old adult, she would no longer qualify to have Medicaid pay for an abortion. (Smith's spokesman did not respond to a call and an email requesting comment.)

Other types of rapes that would no longer be covered by the exemption include rapes in which the woman was drugged or given excessive amounts of alcohol, rapes of women with limited mental capacity, and many date rapes.

The fact that "forcible rape" has no real meaning as a federal legal term makes this all the more obnoxious.

Oh, and what about the incest exception? "As for the incest exception, the bill would only allow federally funded abortions if the woman is under 18." You figure out the rationale on that one."

I don't know what the House intends to do, with this kind of "legislation." How dare they? Not only is it ludicrous--it's damaging for women like me, who wait years before finally getting the counseling and the help they need for that situation.

I believe that with Godly counsel, love, and a tremendous amount of support, Grace can overcome any situation--I really do. This government "redefinition," however, will cause women to hide in shame, and I do not believe it will do ANYTHING to curb the abortion industry. Women will simply say what they need to say to get the services covered, if that is the decision they want to make. Congress is only making it more difficult to get to the truth of the matter.

Abortion should be a decision that is made state-by-state, and that the degree of its availability, as well as it's funding, should be an issue that is strictly voted on by the people. Do I believe Roe vs. Wade should be overturned? Absolutely. Do I believe that we, as a society, are ready to handle the influx of babies who will need loving adoptive homes, or the influx of mothers-to-be that will need adequate health care? No, I don't. I don't think we're there yet (though I know of many churches who are trying to lead the way). Until we get there, and even when we get there, the way that rape/incest cases are handled will require love, compassion, support, and grace, that we as a society (and primarily as a church) need to offer--we don't need the government (or anyone else) passing judgment on a woman and what defines her condition.

Love the woman. Love the child. Anything less than that should be silenced.