Crazy Affection...

The house is quiet, and I'm finally sitting down to this computer to put on a very public display of affection...I like that word, "affection." I think that when I was a child, I was a very affectionate little girl, and that the world took that away from me. It was twisted into something perverted, stripped of its innocence, and made to make me feel like a bad person. The truth is, we have a very affectionate Father God Who longs for our affection in return, and when we've lost our understanding of the beauty of affection, we've lost a bit of our understanding for Him.

This is why God gave me an affectionate husband...this is why I am bonded to a man who irritates the living daylights out of me with affection. He walks by and pokes me in the ribs on the days that I'm the crabbiest...he taps me on the rear when he walks by, on the days when I want to turn around and throw something at him. It's not a sexual thing--it's an affectionate thing, and on the days when I'm not cranky, it's an adorable reminder of David's affection for me. Here's the definition of "affection:"

af·fec·tion(-fkshn)n.1. A tender feeling toward another; fondness. See Synonyms at love.

2. Feeling or emotion. Often used in the plural: an unbalanced state of affections.

3. A disposition to feel, do, or say; a propensity.

4. Obsolete Prejudice; partiality.

I married a man who is affectionate toward me--He has a disposition to feel toward me, a propensity toward me...a partiality for me.

I've always been taught that God loves us in every sense of the word, and that our relationships with people teach us about His character. If God is affectionate toward me like David is affectionate toward me (except God is like, a million times more), that means He embraces me wholeheartedly, lightly (that reflects His deeper love)...that when I'm not paying attention to Him, He comes by and taps me to remind me that He's there...that on the days that I want nothing to do with Him because I'm so self-centered, He grabs my hand to hold it and walk me down the road. He has a propensity toward me...God is partial to me...The very nature of my affectionate Jesus points Him to me.

God is quite fond of me.

There is love...and in love, although you want to be totally ensconced in it, completely wrapped in it, it doesn't always have to be on the emotional end of the spectrum to be felt or appreciated. I love David; he loves me, yet we don't run around acting like lovesick morons all the time. Our love for one another has an understanding and an honesty. Love changes all of the time; it's always there, but there's an ebb and flow of intensity. There's a deepening that goes beyond the emotional high, and is fine-tuned over time. In the richness of that genuine love, though, you still have to have room for the playfulness of affection.

Affection is just that--playful.

The same God Who allowed His Son to die on the cross for our sins...the same One Who loves us so maddeningly deeply...has this crazy affection for us. He's playful! He's like the dad I saw at church this morning who was sitting there playing with this son; his son would giggle like mad when his daddy would kiss his cheek. There's a deep, fearless love with a playful, agape affectionate side that we all need to remember.

When I think of dancing with God in my head (because honestly, I'm too embarrassed to even consider doing it in public), I think of standing with Him in a wheat field and spinning myself in crazy circles, arms outstretched, head thrown back, and a song flying out of my mouth....I don't even know what I'm singing, but I'm there with Him, and He's twirling and laughing with me...He grabs me into His arms (I'm never too big for my Daddy), He holds me and He shows me genuine affection...He kisses my cheek, He holds my hands, and He laughs with His little girl.

This is not the boring God in a white robe on a throne....When I see my Father, I see living, vibrant Love that laughs over me...that sings over me...that sings with me...

There are days when my eyes are clouded...where my vision is gone, and where I can't see that wheat field anymore. There are days when the tears don't stop, where it doesn't make any sense, and where I feel like I just can't take one more step.

Those are the days when David will walk by and poke me in the ribs (and risk his neck, in all honesty) and remind me, in his own silly way, that he has a genuine affection for me.

God uses this crazy man to show me that He loves me when I am blind and unlovable, that He's waiting for me in my wheat field, and that if I find the strength to simply open my mouth, the song will come....and there is where I find worship.

My absolute favorite picture of David...

This came from my office, but it also applies to me...

Forwarded from Complete Wellness Center...
"Last week, our Office Manager Cassidy met with Angelina DeWeese, a holistic nutrition coach, who has worked with hundreds of women to re-vamp their plates, minds, and outlook on food REAL sustainable weight loss. Prior to this meeting, Cassidy had lost around 40 pounds, and is now looking for ways to not only take off additional weight, but to learn ways to prepare meals for both herself and her husband to sustain that weight loss, and cook healthier foods. Meeting with Angelina provided an opportunity to begin to do just that!

Check this out:

Angelina is doing a 12-week Group Tele-class Program series for women called the "How to Lose 10 Pounds in 30 days" Series. (Not something you're going to see every day!)

She's doing this program as a way to help even more women conquer the weight loss struggle once and for all. In her words, "exactly spot your barriers and lose weight without all that anxiety, shame, and guilt, all the hidden opportunities to lose your next 10 pounds exist in your body RIGHT NOW." The time is now!

Angelina takes a very radical approach to health, wellness, and living our life's full potential... you'll see what I mean on the calls!

Here's a sneak peak of what she's got in store for you:

* Spot hidden messages that exist in your body RIGHT NOW to reduce sugar cravings (most women miss these clues and spend way to much time feeling guilty.)
* Master the art of Healthy Meals on the Go (rather than quick prepared foods, that just suck your energy)
* Leverage your time to use less time to in the kitchen preparing meals
* Have a clear idea about your bodies individual needs so you can focus on the few things that make the biggest difference
* Discover 10+ breakfast options that will have your body roaring with energy so you can focus on other things
* Learn a proven system to gracefully turn your inner crabby self OFF and turn your Inner Beauty On, so that you'll stop beating yourself up and focus on getting results!
* Shop like a pro -- you'll learn an easy way to shop on a budget to get the foods that make the biggest impact and leave all the rest
* Use your practical, easy daily self nourishing practices so your stress level can reduce exponentially, so your body will feel safe enough to get rid of the protectionary fat
* Discover the #1 most important food that help to fortify your thyroid re-up your metabolism
* ...and so much more!!



Dates & Times of the program (mark your calendar!):
Monday Evenings 6:30-8:00pm
Starting September 6th 6:30pm CST/7:30pm EST

You don't want to miss a program! And if you can't make them live, she will of course be sending out the recordings afterwards, if you sign up for the series.

To Register, click HERE

P.S Cassidy is super-excited because she will be joining the group.

P.P.S. Angelina is one of the few teachers out there who really "gets it" when it comes to embracing simple steps for accomplishing practical health goals such as weight loss and more energy. At some point "push, push, push" doesn't work anymore, and then the only choice left is to find a gentle, feminine way of achieving the same goal. This program will lead you in that direction.

Tri-Polar Exchange (Outside Looking In)

"But what if I don't WANT to feel sadness?
What if I only want to feel good things?
Don't I get some kind of guarantee in life
Because I say I
Follow You?
Don't I get a free pass
To happiness,
Because
'Jesus paid it all?'
Aren't I entitled?!?"
"Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed, and
Why should we be saved
From nightmares?"
The spoiled brat
And the woman with the wisdom
Of painful experience
Who both reside in my brain
Are arguing
And I feel caught
In the middle of this
Tri-polar
Exchange...
We are so
Insulated
That we feel any trial in life
Is a punishment
For "that other person's sin,"
Until it happens to us,
Then it's a "tribulation"
That's a teachable moment.
Really?!?
We turn down our noses at the brother
Or sister
Who grieves,
Who mourns,
Who doesn't paste on their pretty smile
On Sunday,
And we think to ourselves,
"Well, they just need more Jesus..."
As we pass them by...
"FINE, then, just leave me alone!!!
I'm fine ALL BY MYSELF!"
(Stomp, stomp for punctuation)
Sadness is not a punishment...
Loss is not a judgment...
There is no guilt in grieving.
There is also
Little mercy for mourning,
As we expect our people
To pick up as quickly as we think we would,
And get back to "normal"
As soon as possible...
It's uncomfortable to see their
Tears...
So we tell them things like
"It's all for the best."
"God has a plan for you that's just not what you expected."
"He is in control."
We should let them cry...
Let them weep...
Let them mourn...
And let them know we are here
In
Silence.
But we are generally not very good at
Keeping our mouths shut.
(I would know.)
Trust me...
There is nothing you could say that would
Make it go away...
That would
Make it "better."
I'm not 5 years old, and this is not
An "owie"
That can be cured with a kiss.
These wounds are deep,
And they occasionally fester up
And remind me that
I am not
Whole (There are pieces missing).
People who have walked this walk understand.
People who have not, do not,
And sometimes, it's hard to forgive
The "pithy" words that fall out of their mouths.
(I've been guilty of that one a few times.)
The spoiled brat
Is angry
That she didn't get her way...
That she doesn't have her
Picket fence
That she feels she should have...
That she thinks she's earned (though she's hardly put in her time).
She thinks she is due for her
Reward
Right
Now.
The woman with wisdom
Who occasionally looks me back in the mirror
Smacks me in the head and reminds me
There are no guarantees
Of an easy life;
In fact, there are only
Guarantees of
Fires
And of a
Savior Who walks you through them so closely,
You don't even smell like smoke
When you come through to the
Other Side.
The brat and the adult
Who battle within
Challenge the sadness:
Let it engulf?
Let it swamp over me?
Go hide in the blankets?
Or
Acknowledge it...
Acknowledge the reason...
Tell Him all about it...
And keep on walking?
When we ask for His will,
Do we mean it?
Are we asking for His will,
Thinking it will work out for our
Advantage,
Or are we asking for His will
Because we put our
Trust in Him
For the mountains and palm trees,
AND
For the valleys and deserts?
I listen to myself,
To the argument within,
And I know I'm not alone,
Because you have the
Same
Argument
Too.
There is what we have earned,
And what we deserve
But what He gives
Is a grace
We can neither deserve
Or earn
And it is more than enough
To bandage
The cuts, scrapes, bruises
Bruised egos
Entitled hearts
Angry hearts
Broken spirits
Shattered dreams
And grieving souls.
It is a grace that enables
That woman with wisdom
To lay down the pain
And silence the spoiled brat
Without spewing the
Frustrations that
Lay just below the surface.
It will be okay,
And there will be another
Victory
But it will require
Some time in the
Garden
Alone...

Silly little answer to a silly little prayer...

One of the guys at church preached this morning about faith, and how God answers the prayers of a righteous man. He specifically used the example of how he felt led to pray that our church's sound system needs would be met, financially, and much to his surprise (since he really doesn't consider himself much of a righteous man), someone dropped off a check to the church specifically for the sound system, and voila, our sound system rocks.
I have been looking for silverware for about 2 years. Not maniacally, not diligently, just occasionally, when the mood hits, I've gone to Macy's, Homegoods, Dillards, etc., looking for a good set of silverware. The set when we got married has partially gone AWOL, and it wasn't of a great quality; it met the need, and now needs some replacement parts. It's really a stupid thing for me to even be blogging about.
I wanted a higher-quality full set for at least 4, of a decent brand-name (with a good reputation) and a weight of 18/10 (I don't know what that means, but that's what I was told I needed to look for). I didn't want to pay more than $40, and I barely wanted to pay that. I don't remember every praying for a new silverware set, and I certainly (CERTAINLY) don't consider myself a righteous woman (I'm a wannabe).
Yesterday, when not really even thinking about my silverware, we went to a yard sale...and there I found a 65-piece set of a full-service-for-twelve and still-in-the-box set of 18/10 Oneida, and purchased it for $7.
$7 (because David didn't want to give me a $10, and told me to see if she'd take less, which, to my surprise, she did).
This is a silly little thing.
This is a silly little answer to a silly little prayer...yet I am the type to find miracles in mudpuddles, so for me, this silly little thing is a hug from God.
You see, I know someone who doesn't think that God meddles in the affairs of men, and that there's this thing called "coincidence." Not a day goes by that I don't pray that this person encounters God in the details. I long for the day when this person gets an inkling of the understanding that yes, God cares about every little aspect of our lives, and no, there is no such thing as "coincidence". He cares whether or not you have a job, whether or not I have hurt feelings, whether or not our house is in disarray, or whether or not you have gas in your car. God not only cares about the details--He loves them.
And He's big enough to care about your details as much as He cares about mine.
I have a strange relationship with God. I find it easy to see Him in something as simple as silverware, but not so easy to see His hand work in the sadness of my soul. It's a strange juxtaposition, and one I struggle with on a daily basis.
The pastor this morning talked about jumping off of a platform of faith...What if we approached God without the baggage of our disappointments, and assumed He'd do what He says He'll do? What if we stopped trying to make Him make sense in our brains?
What if we saw Him in the silverware and in the sadness--what if we trusted Him with both the big and the little, instead of one or the other?
My silverware is a silly little reminder that my God can handle my heart...and that if He cares about the silverware/lilies of the field/sparrows, then He certainly cares about my hopes, dreams, and heart's desires, and that He doesn't forget His promises for me, even when they don't make sense to the human mind...
Just a thought.

So, I met with a nutritionist....

Transparency time...
Sometimes, things come together and lead you to a huge point of revelation (I almost said "self-realization," when the Holy Spirit kicked me under the table and reminded me that all of this was His idea, LOL). Different factors come together to point you down a path, and when you actually start to walk down said path, you find there are lovely little signs along the way that tell you you're headed in the right direction. When you veer off track (which you inevitably will), there are obstacles that gradually remind you that you're out of line, and help to steer you back on your original destination, and this is the pattern life follows.
I was sitting in traffic the other day, when a scene from Office Space came to mind: Peter Gibbons is stuck in traffic. No matter which lane he gets into, the other lanes go faster. I was in traffic, trying to get to my exit, and everyone was passing me by. It felt so. Stinking. Metaphoric.
I got angry.
At God.
Probably not a good idea, but cathartic, nonetheless. Besides, I think He's big enough to handle it.
2010 has been a year of "Enough" for me, a year where I've determined to bring a new authenticity to who I am and where I'm going in life...a year in which I've continuously felt the metronome of God ticking in my heart that "It's TIME," although I have no idea what for. I've felt the need to reorganize, to restructure, to refocus, and to renovate my whole outlook on my problem areas. I've felt the need to get bad habits under control, to get debts paid off, to stop needing to have my hand held, and to stand up for what I know is right. I've felt the need to stop talking about what I want to do, and to start laying the groundwork to get off of my butt and do it. I've felt the need to stop being so burdened by shame that I can't be honest about the sins and struggles that I'm fighting, even to the One Who already knows everything about it. I've felt an anger rise up in me at a Church that consistently ostracizes it's own people, and continuously bludgeons a world that hates it, though it expects them to drop everything and love some Jesus that only points fingers instead of opens arms. I've developed some strange fear of not saying what I really think, even in my own damn blog, because I'm so afraid of what people will think that I'd rather say something funny than something true...whether it's my pastor or my boss or my sister or my husband, since when did I start letting those people dictate this thing that has my name on it?!?
I may be having my Jerry McGuire moment...and there may be repercussions....
But. I. Don't. Care. And. I'm. Tired. Of. Playing. The. Game.
Things have been said to me lately that have shocked me into dropping my gloves. This fight in me, between what I should say, and what I want to say, is coming to a halt, because I'm done. That's the other phrase that's been ringing in my ears this year: "I'm done."
I feel like I have to be done with these things, before it can be time to break free of them and move on.
This is my year to get it right, and I'm running out of time.
I had someone randomly tell me that I was having issues with communication. (And yeah, I get tired of people telling me that I always say what's on my mind. It's not true, so quit it. You have no idea what is on my mind, and I have very little idea of how to say it without shocking you, so don't tell me that I'm Ms. Verbal here. I candy-coat, I play nice, and I edit things to the point of unrecognition, and even then, I still manage to make people mad. I was raised with brutal honesty without the concern for cushioning the impact, so perhaps I lack a few communication skills. Even with that, though, I'm not saying what I'm thinking.) The person who told me I was having issues with communication had no idea how that resonated with me...they were right.
I've needed to sit down and write about a few key theological issues, and I haven't done it, because I haven't wanted to deal with the consequences of being so open about my faith. I've been bottling it, and somehow, this person caught that I was restrained. She told me I needed to let it out, and I ignored her, still in fear of the consequences.
I've felt restless in my career lately, knowing that I want to go back to school, but not necessarily knowing how I'd balance it all out...knowing that I want to write, and not understanding why it's such a huge thing with me...knowing that I have this huge passion, and not knowing what to do with it, but knowing that THIS IS NOT WORKING FOR ME...
I've struggled spiritually, because of this stifling, and I've struggled physically, as well.
I went to see a nutritionist today (www.pure-nourishment.com) and as she was asking me about my relationship with food, she said something very interesting. She pointed out that when I mentioned "writing," my whole face and voice changed. She said she could tell I was passionate about it, and that if I stifled that passion, I'd find some other method of releasing that tension, i.e., eating. I found that fascinating, and true...when I have something to say, something that has to come out, and I don't, I wind up parked in front of the TV to get my mind off of it, and then I wind up eating.
Right now, I'm sitting in front of a computer...not eating. Interesting.
As we talked, I began to put a few pieces of the puzzle together....I feel stifled. I don't feel particularly creative. I don't feel successful (and by that, I'm not thinking financial). I'm struggling with debt, compulsive habits, eating problems, and a lack of spiritual discipline and mental clarity, and I don't feel like I'm living up to the potential God has for me. I feel like a bad, worthless person...so I eat, because it makes me feel better. Hmm. Doesn't sound like I know a God of grace, love, and mercy very well, does it?
I grew up in a very strict home, at a very strict school (a ridiculously strict school) that fostered more of a religious belief, than that of a true relationship with Jesus. My parents were great at teaching us to fear God, and to fear them, but not so great at teaching us the power of forgiveness; my school was fantastic at teaching me that tight jeans made me a bad person and that cleavage was a sin, and that the Bible was nothing more than a textbook that I got candy for memorizing. (For those that went to school with me, I know that sounds harsh, but think about it. Did that Jolly Rancher you got for memorizing Isaiah 53 teach you anything about the personality of the Lamb? I'm just saying). I grew up with a performance-based belief system: If I did good, Jesus loved me. If I didn't, I got an F, and the world was over.
Somehow, I'm still living in that place.
When you grasp the full understanding that you were created by a God Who loves you unconditionally, you want to read His Word so that you can know Him better--not so you can have your Jolly Rancher at the end of the day.
When you grasp the full understanding that you were created by a God Who loves you unconditionally, you are desperate to connect with this Being that says He made you in His image...
When you grasp the full understanding that you were created by a God Who loves you unconditionally, you don't have to dull the ache inside by eating a jar of Nutella as you numb yourself in front of the television.
When you grasp the full understanding that you were created by a God Who loves you unconditionally, you don't have to go to the mall because you just want to be alone, and wind up spending more than you've saved (and dealing with the guilt afterward).
When you grasp the full understanding that you were created by a God Who loves you unconditionally....
When you grasp the full understanding that you were created by a God Who loves you unconditionally, you don't have to feel like a failure every time you screw up, whether it's eating too much, spending too much, not reading the Bible like you think you should, saying mean things, whatever. I have a tendency to, whenever I do mess up, I do it full throttle, i.e., "If I'm going to blow my diet on a piece of cake, that piece had better be a fourth of the cake, so I can make this screw-up worth it!!!"...and that generally leads to a total bender of dietary disaster. That mentality is cutting me off at the knees in so many areas...Not feeling like a failure would, I believe, help me stop the landslide....
When you grasp even a tiny portion of knowing His love (King's love), you feel like you truly belong, and all of the other crap you're struggling with...that I'm struggling with...falls by the wayside when you fall to your knees.You stop feeling like a huge fat phony when you say you love the Lord, because you understand the genuine affection and desire He has for you, and you want with all of your heart to reciprocate it.
My spiritual issues are a direct reflection to how well I understand and accept the love of the Lord...which, as I write this, I'm realizing needs a lot of work.
My physical/food/spending issues are a direct reflection to how well I understand and accept the love of the Lord.
My reluctance to write, and to get it all out, is a direct reflection to how well I understand and accept the love of the Lord...and how much I trust in Him to handle the consequences, if what I say is truly what I feel like He wants me to say (which is still percolating).
I am not living a life that says that I feel loved by God. I am living a life that looks like I think I might be kinda sorta a decent person who goes to church. I am not walking on a path that says "Peace and fulfillment in Jesus." But I'd like to be.
So it starts here...on this little blog...writing the words that I know I'm supposed to say, but have been too scared to put out there for the world to see.
The gloves are coming off...(who can type with gloves on?)
The plate is being pushed away...(there's really no permanent fulfillment with food)
This is my blog, and I know why I started it...why I got away from writing like I know I should...and how I'm going to take it back.
It's time.