Fat?

I don't know WHAT's in the water today, but I think I've cried about 10 times today, and the night is young. It's not over any consistent thing...I'm just emotional, I guess (and don't give me any of that "it must be that time of the month" crap or I WILL cut you!). I think it's the season. Things have touched my heart in crazy ways today, and I'm feeling like a scab got removed, and the new skin is a little bit sensitive.
I passed for 25 twice in the past couple of weeks at work. 25. I was shocked--I blew the first person off (he was a 20-something-year-old guy, after all) but the second person was a thirty-something-year-old woman, so I took her seriously. When another friend of mine commented that he thinks I keep looking younger, a thought suddenly hit me as to why: I don't care as much anymore.
I worry less...yes, I have stress (um, hello? My husband has been out of work for almost a year--that's stress!), and I definitely have worries, but I think I'm getting a better grasp on not taking the mental rabbit trails I used to take, and am not getting quite as worked up over things that I can't change. I'm learning, and these are hard lessons to get.
I'm hitting the gym, and am trying harder to knock this weight off...I still haven't met goal #1, and am stuck in some kind of wretched plateau that has royally ticked me off this weekend. I'm supposed to feel better about myself, but I haven't found that magic self-esteem button yet. I don't like the flab that I have, and want this stuff to GO AWAY faster than it is...cookies are awesome, but crying about belly fat is not, so I'm learning to choose whether to cry now or later. I slid on a pair of regular 14 jeans this weekend (not 14w) and am now 1 size away from my goal of a size 12 (yes, that's my goal, and no, I don't want to be some size 8 stick figure. I have hips, people. I was a 12 in high school, and I'm happy there). However, it doesn't seem to be enough--I can't mentally grasp any sense of achievement with this weight loss, and am having a very difficult time being proud of saying that I've lost almost 40 pounds. I feel like I should look hugely different, and I don't see it; other people do, though, so I am praying for mental breakthrough. I need to learn to appreciate my triumphs (and not just in the weight department) so I can see the victory, even before I've fully achieved it. I want to celebrate while I'm fighting this battle, not just when it's over. That might sound crazy, but I think if I can change my mentality and see myself meeting those goals, I can stop feeling so defeated.
Even with the weight I've lost, I feel like I'm losing this battle, and I can't figure out why...I think I just might struggle with a loser mentality, and that's not how God sees me, so I'm due for a serious attitude adjustment. Maybe that's what I need to jump this last hurdle, and get off of this plateau?
Weight loss is not just about losing weight, and I've said that from the beginning (even though it seems I've temporarily forgotten it, upon looking in the mirror). It's about breaking addictions and getting to the root cause of why one finds solace/celebration/emotional connections with this thing called food. I'm beginning to see it--I mean, you should SEE the food my families lay out for the holidays, or even just for hanging out in general!!! My in-laws had 2--TWO--20 pound turkeys at Thanksgiving!!!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE ON A DIET IN THAT ENVIRONMENT?!?!?!?!? My parents are worse--there were like, 6 different kinds of desserts at our Thanksgiving dinner!!!!! We connect with people when we eat. Every culture makes binding emotional and relational ties over food, and in my family, NONE OF THAT FOOD INVOLVES ANYTHING LESS THAN 1,000 CALORIES! So, it's not just a "loser" mentality. It's knowing that if I don't partake of this spread, I will feel left out, which is something I desperately hate feeling like.
Weight loss is much harder than weight gain. This is a difficult thing--much harder than I'd ever anticipated.
When I meet my goal weight (which apparently will not be as soon as I'd hoped, which makes me feel like a failure, which I'm not...I'm just terribly impatient and I like cookies), I will feel like I have climbed Mount Everest.
When I meet my goal weight, I will look in the mirror and I will cry, because I will know that this has been such a deep journey of physical, emotional, and spiritual growth.
When I meet my goal weight, I will hug my teeny-tiny boss, and I will cry on her shoulder and thank her for the second chance at health that she has given me. I will thank her for believing in me even in the times like now, when I don't think I can do this.
When I meet my goal weight, I will let my husband wrap his arms around me and pick me up (which he already does, but it will be easier), and I will not be embarrassed.
When I meet my goal weight, I will hit my knees and thank God, and I will not feel ashamed of these food-shaped giants in the land that have made me feel like a grasshopper with no strength in Canaan.
When I meet my goal weight, I will buy my first sexy dress, and I will find a place to wear that sucker...I will not cover it up with a coat, with leggings, with a jacket, or with an enormous purse. I will not wear Spanx (you have no idea what a security blanket Spanx are to me. Don't leave home without them!).
When I meet my goal weight, I will post the picture on Facebook and I will smile, instead of posting it and promptly wanting to vomit (like I did today).
I know what you're saying...I can hear you out there, you 1 or 2 people that read this blog. You're saying, "Cassidy, get off of your butt, and do those things NOW!!!" But I can't, and I don't want to, until I can put a stamp on this task and call this thing done (even though I know healthy eating is a life-change, and is never really done).
I HAVE TO FINISH WHAT I HAVE STARTED before I can do any of my "when I's", because those are my rewards, in a sense. I have to do this, and I cannot quit. If I do those things now..If I allow myself to celebrate too soon, I will not discipline myself enough to meet my goals. It just amazes me, 4 1/2 months into this, how deep the supposedly simple process of losing weight takes you. I feel at this point, like I'm just gritting my teeth and hanging on like a bulldog for dear life. At what point do I stop liking food? At what point does it become second nature? Does it ever? What breakthrough do I have to have, to make this thing stick 24/7? Does it ever?
Part of me thinks I need a "fat friend" to do this last stretch with...to work out with, to eat right with, a kind of accountability partner. My problem is that I usually instigate and cause other people to fall off of the wagon with me, rather than cause them to jump on the wagon with me (at least, that's my experience with shopping:). Part of me knows I have to do this on my own, and that's the part I'm going with...although, now that I type this out, I know that I'm never on my own. Jesus is right there with me, and my Bible says there's no temptation I am going through, that He hasn't experienced. Guess I never thought about Him understanding the ups and downs of fat-ness. Hmm--interesting point.
So, here I am. 4 1/2 months into this weight-loss thing, and I'm stuck. I'm hoping that in the next few weeks, I jump this plateau and start seeing some quicker weight loss (or at least, a bit less roly-poly-ness!). I am praying for the mental block to lift off, and for a fuller revelation of God's love for me. Knowing that He loves me the way I am--that He loves you the way you are--is not a license to chow down; rather, it's a license to know I have the strength to be a better steward of this body He gave me. His love is always a license to know we have the strength to be..to BE, and to BE to it's fullest extent.
I'm going to go think about that a little bit more...at the gym.

Christmas thoughts...

Man...I'm like a kid in a candy store this time of the year...literally. Mom and I baked 9 different kinds of cookies last weekend, and I did not keep my hand out of the cookie jar!!! SO BAD!!!! I'm making up for it this week; I took the plunge and joined a gym (24-Hour Fitness), and am back into my schedule of hitting the elliptical. My weight loss had kind of paused, but it has picked back up again, in spite of the cookie-a-thon! I love Christmas!
This season seems like so much fun! I'm back to my yearly Christmas-music obsession; I currently have somewhere around 900 Christmas songs in my computer, and have them on continual rotation. I think that Straight No Chaser is my favorite band this season; I guess I have a soft spot for acapella music! I'm driving David crazy, but that's not exclusive to the season!
There's a certain longing that hits pretty hard at Christmas...little girls in pretty dresses on Santa's lap, make me wonder what Hannah would have been like this time of the year. I decided in 2007 that I would pay special attention to things I could do at Christmas that would not only honor Hannah's memory, but would also keep my focus on the true Reason for this season, as opposed to focusing on what I'm missing in my life.
I've kinda made a commitment to do random acts of kindness (RAK). Without going into detail, it's been fun to be a secret blessing to people! I haven't told anyone I know about what I'm up to...part of the fun of it is keeping my mouth shut, and knowing that it's between me and God. You never know when a RAK is going to have a serious impact, and I encourage you to try something crazy to bless someone! In fact, someone from my office told me about someone else who's been doing random acts of kindness for her, and how it's changed her Christmas season. I didn't do this...but I think I'm going to try it in the future. Here's her story:
This middle-aged woman has a teenage daughter; her husband died unexpectedly earlier this year. I don't know the details of his death, but I do know that she thought he was perfectly healthy, so his death at such a young age was a huge shock. She's struggled...life after losing a spouse is dramatically different. She lost her best friend, not to mention the family breadwinner, in a tough economy. Insurance details, bills, the financial stress--it was overwhelming for this family. This first Christmas without a husband and father loomed on the horizon, a bleak day of sadness that would in no way compare to the happy Christmases past. Just few days ago, however, a Random Act of Kindness changed the pall over the household. Someone known only as the "Christmas Angel" has been ringing their doorbell, leaving them little gifts on each of the 12 Days of Christmas: 2 Snazzy Snowmen (mugs with cocoa), A Partridge in a Pear Tree (a star ornament). Little gifts, yes...but this family who could only focus on what they were missing, has now had their focus shifted, and now look forward to their mysterious visitor and a ringing doorbell. This "Christmas Angel" has made these two ladies smile during a time of great sadness.
That's a Random Act of Kindness, folks. Someone is so thoughtful to these girls; someone has no idea that this woman is so touched that she was crying as she told me about the little gifts today. What a blessing--whoever that "Christmas Angel" is, I pray that they are mightily blessed, because this woman and her daughter are seeing a new meaning to Christmas. They know that there is hope, that they are smiling and will smile again...they know that Christmas this year, though sad, points to better Christmases down the road. All because of a Random Act of Kindness.
Be brave. Do something crazy. Help the guy on the side of the road...help a person in a wheelchair get through a door (it's harder than you think!). Help a child get their coat on when their mother has her hands full. Remember the widows this time of the year...remember the people who lost someone they loved, this Christmas.
Be a "Christmas Angel" to someone you don't know, and keep it between you and God. You'll be amazed at how blessed you are in your heart, just by knowing you made someone's day a little brighter, a little easier. It doesn't take long, and it can affect eternity.
If I don't get on here any earlier, have a Merry Christmas! Take the time to check out the local plays and the Christmas lights; my favs are Our Lady of the Snows, Tilles Park, and the Christmas Eve service at Life Christian Center. Enjoy your loved ones, have some cookies, hit the gym (LOL), and remember why we celebrate this time in the first place!
Merry Christmas, readers. You make me smile, and you encourage me to not only seek the face of God...you challenge me to sit on His lap! Love and blessings to you!

Prophecy, transparency, and duct tape...

Growing up in a charismatic church had a huge effect on my life. There wasn't a lot that I didn't see, during that time; after all, it was a time in which people were getting knocked-out cold in the Spirit on a regular basis. By the time I was 14, seeing someone fly through the air under the power of God was a regular occurrence for me. I was used to it, and perhaps, a bit jaded, religious, and arrogant, because of it (gee, look how spiritual I am!!!).
I grew up in one of the coolest youth groups in the country. Our youth minister was a silver-tongued biblical GENIUS, who managed to combine serving God with looking cool. He ignited such a passion for God in me, that it made me able to handle the junk I received at school for believing in the crazy things I believed in.
I went to Christian high school, but really felt ostracized, as one of the only charismatics there. It was MUCH worse in college, and I learned to shut my mouth more than I should have. Amazing, how we as Christians, do more to kill each other spiritually than the world would ever need to do...
But, I digress...
I believe in a God Who's crazy. A God Who will literally knock you on your butt to show you that He's trying to talk to you...a Father Who loves you enough to tell you "no" sometimes...that's the best way I know of, how to put it. I also know that I try my hardest to hide my "secret" sins from Him, and after seeing people in the church get exposed for activities they tried to keep silent, I've become REALLY afraid of prophets, going forward for prayer, and people that I KNOW are hearing from Him...Not that I don't think God knows...I just don't want anyone else to know! (Oh, admit it--you get just as freaked out as I do; I'm just publishing it. Don't judge! :)
I still go to a charismatic church, and yes, for all of you pseudo-nitwits who have to ask, I believe in speaking in tongues, prophecy, miracles, and all of that other good stuff. 4 years in a Spirit-squishing college couldn't take that away from me (I know that's harsh, but seriously. Looking back, how and why did I not stand up more for what I truly believed in? Maybe that's why I got so lost, in college, that I almost didn't find my way back. I felt so scared about what others believed or thought of me, that I forgot my roots, and who I really was. Hmm.). I don't believe that God boxes Himself up to what we think He should be, to what fits in our god-box. He does more, is more, and is capable of so much more than our little brains can handle, so who are we, to say what He will and will not use or do?
Anyways, in my little charismatic church, the word "prophecy" gets used a lot. People are so anxious to hear from God, and we have several people that scour the internet looking for what God is saying to people, in this day and age...what is His will? Where do we go from here? We are looking for direction and answers from Him, that are pertinent to this day, to where the church is now. Because of that, I've noticed myself slipping back into some old habits where prophecy is concerned. I figure I can't be the only one; so, maybe my transparency will help someone else. I'm hoping that no one reads this and is offended--if you are, well, tell me about it. Teach me. 'Cause I have a lot to learn, and I'm not the only one.

When I was a teenager, a prominent evangelist came to my church (not the one I'm at now). A huge revival broke out, and it was ridiculous! People were getting words from the Holy Spirit, to share verbally in the church--something I think people said were prophecies, but I don't think so. I think there's a difference, between a Word of Knowledge, and a Prophecy. Both have a recurrent theme: Get it right, get right; serve God, give Him glory, seek His face. But, Words of Knowledge are those things which shine light on the dark places; sometimes, the dark places we're trying to hide. People were getting called out, and not always in a bad way--the Holy Spirit was also encouraging people with things only they knew about, and not the person praying for them.
I, for one, am terrified of those Words of Knowledge...I just know that one of these days, all of the stuff in the closet is going to come crashing down on me!!!! Thus, all the more reason to deal with it here at home, privately, so as to keep it from being turned out in the open.
Prophecy is different. Words of Knowledge seem meant to correct, to encourage, to bolster and increase your passion. They're individual. I think sometimes, when people say they want to hear a prophecy, what they're really wanting is that Word of Knowledge. They want to hear from God, something that directly affects their individual life. The danger there, is that we find ourselves looking for those Words of Knowledge like they're some kind of theological Magic 8 Ball. We look at both Prophecy and Words of Knowledge, like we're expecting God to go all psychic and stuff on us, and give us our reading for the day. That's not what it's for. Again, Words of Knowledge are not meant to give us our psychic fix--they're meant to correct, encourage, and revive us.
Prophecy, however, is meant for the Body of Christ, as a whole. I'm sitting here with my super-spiritual Nave's Topical Bible (LOL!), and I've got the section on prophecy in front of me. Check it out--the prophecies in the Bible mostly deal with Jesus, in one form or another. Prophecies have a focus on wide audiences. Words of Knowledge focus on the individual. Prophecies before Christ all point to His coming; prophecies after His birth point to His return. I like this one, as I'm looking at these Scriptures: Amos 3:1 (CEV)says "Listen to this message that the Lord has spoken against you, O people of Israel and Judah (note: prophecy addressed to a LARGE body)--the entire family I rescued from Egypt."...v. 7 (NIV)says "Surely the Sovereign Lord does nothing without revealing His plan to His servants, the prophets." Prophecies to the church body today all point to His return, and to what we as a BODY need to do to get ready. The prophecies to the Israelites were meant to get them in shape, get them to the place where they recognized their Messiah. They missed the boat--and so will we, if we don't listen to the prophets of today.
So, I've found that any time someone in the church uses the word "prophecy" that I'm scared. I'm worried that some huge lightning-bolt-shaped flame is going to come down from Heaven and point out my flaws, leaving me exposed for what and who I really am ("smite button " on the big mess, LOL). I always try to duck my head down when people either prophesy or have those Words..why does it feel like such a hammer? I mean, if I acted like what I say I believe, I'd have nothing to hide, right?
I know what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of the will of God, afraid that He will cause me to have to speak, afraid that someone will figure me out and call me on the carpet for keeping my mouth shut. Part of me wants it to happen--part of me wants someone to grab my hand and look me in the eye, and say "Cassidy, what are you not saying?!? Why are you of all people, silent?" I open my mouth for the dumbest things, but not the things I know God is telling me to live and say...and I know I'm not the only one.
Be ready.
Because when God calls on you, when He calls your name and tells you to take a stand, you'd better do it. If you don't, you find yourself in this boat that I've been sitting in for 15 years--this feeling of having your mouth duct-taped shut, this feeling that you're missing the boat you're supposed to be on. You feel like you're missing your freedom...that you've traded in His approval for the struggle of man's approval.
You feel like you're living in fear..sadness...separation from God, even as you say that you love Him.
And it sucks.
Because now that I'm getting that revelation, I'm seeing that it's no one's fault but my own. Not my parents, not their rules, not my school, not my job--My fault. It's my fault that I'm afraid of the Words of Knowledge (especially when I already know what He'd say if He sent someone to me to say it), that the word "prophecy" bugs me so much. I know what He's saying...I know what's coming. I know that even though it makes me sound crazy to the average person, I don't care--He's coming back, and it's sooner that you'd think. I am not ready, no matter what I may say when I put on my "hallelujah" face! It's my fault that I'm afraid of the revelation from God...that I'm afraid of His love.
This fear and fault that I'm feeling is taken to a level I know it shouldn't be...the gentle conviction of the Spirit has been replaced by condemnation by the enemy, and it holds me back. It's duct tape, and no, duct tape doesn't fix everything. Sometimes it causes you to be held down to something you were never meant to be held down to.
I think it's time to take the duct tape off.
I don't know what convinced me to put this online. Maybe I'm hoping that my rambling is so long that no one will actually read this whole thing, and I'll get away with it. I don't know. What I do know, is that I'm finding myself at a point where I have to choose...seek Him first, or continue on my "merry" way? Be miserable, or take some steps into the Great Unknown? My pastor's wife made a huge point today: When faced with crossing the River Jordan (Joshua 3), the Israelites had to first put their foot down into the water, before it actually parted for them to walk through. Something tells me that if I just get my feet wet in the right direction, it will be okay. I'm terrified to get my feet wet. Sometimes, miserable and familiar seems better than unknown territory.
And, I think I've taken digressing to an extreme at this point, so that's all I got right now. Prophecy vs. Words of Knowledge, Transparency, and Duct Tape. I don't think I'm finished with this one, yet...

"Distance"

The distance
Between us
What it is,
What it was,
What it should
And shouldn’t be
Threatens me
Threatens to tear down
The façade I’ve
Painted on…
This isn’t what I thought
It would be…
I’m not where I thought
I would be…
Can I stop the spinning
World in its orbit
Until I can find my
Bearings, again?
Where did I go?
And who is this staring
Back at me?
I see shards and pieces
That remind me
You are there…
The big picture
Still eludes me
And I find myself
Wandering…
Wondering…
Does it matter?
And why do I care
What anyone else thinks of
Me?
Sometimes it’s easier
To disappear
In the world in my head,
But my heart pulls me back
To the reality
You’ve given me…
Can I give some of it back?
It’s too heavy to face on my own,
When I feel
So alone…
I know
You’re there,
But sometimes
I get so focused on
What I’m missing
That I don’t see
You
Looking back at me,
Down on me,
Over me,
All around me,
You’re there…
And I can put
One foot
In front of
The other
Again…
Each step takes me
Closer
To
You…
The distance
Between us
What it is,
What it was,
What it should
Be…

Something to Think About

I didn't write this...it was sent to me by one of the matriarchs of our church...and I found it particularly poignant, especially with the way this week has gone for me...I hope this blesses you this week of Thanksgiving...

What Do You Need to Remember?

November 09
by John Paul Jackson

“Remember these, O Jacob,
And Israel , for you are My servant;
I have formed you, you are My servant;
O Israel , you will not be forgotten by Me!”
— Isaiah 44:21

November is the month in which many Americans make a point to remember. On Veterans Day, we honor the brave men and women who have fought for our freedom; we remember those who actively make sacrifices on our behalf. On Thanksgiving Day, we surround ourselves with family and friends and call to mind the things that are important to us, what we are grateful for: God, loved ones, our children, our houses, our jobs, maybe the realization of our dreams.

Remembering is one of the most important things we can do as children of God. David wrote in Psalm 42 that he would remember God. Therefore I will remember You. Why is this important? Because we tend to forget Him the moment something else grabs our attention.

We get caught up in the day-to-day issues of our lives, and the promises God made to us, in the quiet and secret place where only we could hear, slide right out of our minds. Obviously, what He said still exists — it has not been forgotten in Heaven. But His words can be very, very hard for us to hold onto, even if we have them written down. It can be difficult for us to remember who God is, who He has shown Himself to be in our lives, what He has told us and the hope we felt when He said it.

During this season, what do you need to remember? Do you need to remember just to relax? Do you need to remember not to worry? Maybe there’s a certain Scripture or promise that God wants you, and you specifically, to consider and hold onto this month. Perhaps it is something you have dismissed because of its apparent simplicity, such as Jesus loves me. He truly does. Though this truth seems like it would be easy to remember, many of us forget it all the time.

This very day, take a moment and ask God what He wants you to remember. What is it that He wants you to understand at a deeper level? The list below may be a good place to start:
I will not forget You, God. I will remember what You have done for me.
I will remember all the times You spoke to me when I was at the end of my rope.
I will remember all the times You have come through for me before.
I will remember all the times I was afraid and shouldn’t have been, because You worked it out.
I will remember that You are good.
I will remember what You have promised.
I will remember how You love me.

An Open Letter to Adam Lambert...

Dear Adam,
I don't think you'll ever see this, and I'm okay with that. I just felt the need to say a few things to you, and to Hollywood in general. Sorry for making you the face of celebrity today, but I believe your performance at the American Music Awards is officially the straw that has broken the camel's back for me in many ways.
I loved you on American Idol, I truly did. Based on talent alone, you were the most gifted performer that stage has seen in history, and I voted for you more times that I've ever voted for anyone before--and this is coming from a thirty-two year-old! I'm a fan of talent over anything, and in your own words, yes, you can "sing your face off." I've never seen anyone sing like you...you're magnetic. I could tell you were hiding behind the American Idol machine, but I didn't think it mattered much...
Something happened.
Of course you're gay, I mean, who couldn't figure that one out? I knew it from the first time you were on the stage, and sexuality is part of how you sold yourself on AI. It's part of the music industry, and I guess we're all dulled to it by now. I had higher hopes for you, though...I didn't care about your sexuality. That's supposed to be between you and God. American Idol is, after all, a talent show, and though previous winners have been "sexy," so to speak, it never influenced my vote. Gay, straight, whatever--can you sing? And man, can you! So you had my vote.
I wasn't expecting you to be Carrie Underwood-clean.
I wasn't thinking you'd be Clay Aiken (thank God).
I was hoping you'd be Adam Lambert: Brilliant. Rock. Icon.
Instead, after watching tonight's performance, I got Adam Lambert: Crotch Monkey.
That performance wasn't just shocking--Madonna rolling on the floor at the VMA's singing "Like a Virgin" was shocking--it was filthy.
Not kinda dirty fun...Filthy.
Like, the camera had to pan to the audience and off the stage filthy.
It was desperate.
You're better than that...at least, I'd hoped you would be.
I'm disappointed, and I know I'm not the only one...
Things don't have to be that kind of sexy if you're truly talented, Adam, and you are, so why did you have to take it that far? You're better than that, and honestly, I think you should take some time and reflect on why you're in the music industry in the first place, and who you're surrounding yourself with.
Music should bring people together, to have fun and celebrate, and that performance, made me feel like I needed a shower.
I posted on Facebook that I wish I would have turned it off, but I was hoping it would get better. I was hoping for campy fun...that was NOT it.
If our country can sit and watch a performance like that, and not feel outraged at the direction the moral compass has taken in America, we're in BIG trouble. I'm not trying to be judgmental...but that "performance" was so graphic, so over-sexualized, and so in-your-face...it made me sad that the show is called the "American" Music Awards...
I know I'm taking it out on you, Adam...after all, you're hardly the first to come out on national television and scar our retinas with literal junk...but really, it's the disappointment speaking. I had higher hopes for you, especially since my votes are part of how you got in your position.
Now I feel terribly, terribly guilty...and sad, that like so many, I was fooled into believing that talent might be the thing we were voting for....
Too many truly talented people get on this Hollywood machine and become a trainwreck of flash and flesh, lose who they were to begin with, and burn out far too soon...Hollywood may have just found it's new poster-child....

Quiet on the home front...

I realize that I've been kinda quiet lately. Sometimes, the thoughts and feelings come so quickly that I can't even sort them out enough to begin to write them down...so I don't. Then the issue is that I internalize what's really going on, but lash out at people with little surface annoyances. Translation: I will yell at David over a pair of missing socks, but what I really mean, is that I'm about to cry any second now, and I don't want to, so I'll release the pressure another way. Sounds crazy, right? Yeah, I know.
David and I have been busy...I'm trying to break out of my hermit-ness, and am getting a social life, so we've been going out and spending time with people. I spoke on behalf of the American Heart Association, to the employees at the West County Macy's, yesterday. I literally condensed my "story" with AHA heart disease facts, into a 7 minute speech. 7 minutes!!!! It took me 45 minutes to make it through it, the first time! I knew I only had a few minutes with these guys, but even I felt like, "whoa." Seven minutes? That actually kind of hurts. I know that it goes with the territory--when you're raising awareness, you speak in whatever time slot you have. That's just the first time I've had that kind of time frame. I'll get used to it--but it kind of felt like an out-of-body thing, where I'm like, "where did I get the strength to tell this story in 7 minutes?" God gives us the coolest grace!!!

So, we made it through the biggest milestone: Hannah would have turned 3 on October 30th. (And I swear to you, if one more religious person sits there and tells me, "Oh, she doesn't have any more birthdays; she's with Jesus now so she's eternal!" I am going to throw something. Yes, people, I get it, I swear I do. Hannah's in Heaven, no aging, yadayadayada. But that's my baby, I'm her momma, and I'm still thinking in birthdays. If that makes me un-Godly, well, I don't think we serve the same God. 'Cause He likes birthdays, too. And He gets me.) We went to her place (I call Hannah's grave her "spot." I don't like the word "grave," It's creepy), put out her new "flowers," and hung out at Chesterfield Mall, because I hadn't been there in 2 years.
I really like making Hannah's little pieces. It's a creative outlet, and I don't know that anyone would get it, that hadn't lost someone they loved. It's something I can do that's unique to Hannah's spot, and I put a lot of time into these things. In a way, it kind of feels like playing "dress-up." I can understand why that would creep someone out, but please understand, it's all I've got.
So, we went out there, to the mall, and then to my brother-in-law, Eugene's, for a hayride. And of course, as with all Cooley adventures, someone got hurt and had to go to Urgent Care--oh, wait, that's me! David went to shift his position on a hayride, and didn't realize that when he put his weight on his elbow, that MY HAND WAS UNDER HIS ELBOW!!! It immediately swelled up; the bruising is going down, and it's not broken, but it's still extremely sore, and I've no patience for the healing process, so I've been kind of a baby this week. Thankfully, my boss knows her stuff, and she's done a lot of great things to help it out!!! And, that's another reason why I haven't been blogging over the past week. It hurts to type!!!!!

Halloween was spent at our awesome church, Southgate. We helped out with the Full-Size Candy Bar Extravaganza, and gave candy to the kids in the huge neighborhood around our church. We have some great people at Southgate, and I'm glad it's finally starting to feel more like home again. It took a few months, and an attitude change on my part, but David and I are coming around. Good people!

I've worked a lot since my last post, but that's nothing new. I'm so blessed, in that I truly do love my job. Even on the days when it's stressing me out, not a day goes by that I don't thank God for my job, my boss, and my patients. I get to meet a lot of really cool people, with some very different mindsets. Sometimes it takes me a bit to get past some of the more avant-garde mindsets--but everyone I see in that office has a good heart, and that's a tremendous blessing in the medical field! I have such an interesting job--I'll have to tell you more about it, in another post. I'm an office manager for a chiropractic/alternative healing office, and we do things there that no one else in St. Louis can do. It's a crazy, ridiculous, fascinating place to be, and I love it.

Even though it's been just over a week since my last post, I feel like it's been a month!!!! Between being busy at work, and the hecticness of this weekend, it's a whirlwind! Yesterday, not only did I speak at Macy's; David and I had pictures taken at JC Penney's! We hadn't had studio pictures taken since we got engaged, like, 6 years ago. Let's face it; we look a little different now! My weight is actually a little lighter than when we got engaged....but I have new fine lines that I never saw coming! It's weird--I look like such a kid in my engagement picture, even though I was 26. Here I am, at 32, and I look at these pictures, and OMG, I think I just might be a grown-up...shudder... We also went to a dinner at my friend Deb's house, where God just totally blessed us with a perfect meeting of the perfect people at the perfect time...more on that, later...

Meanwhile...

Please pray for us. There's something percolating in our family that will affect David and I directly; I'm not going into details, because it's too soon (no, I'm not pregnant), and we need more information. It's potential...We need direction, we need understanding; we need to take things day-to-day, and I need to guard my heart (literally). Please pray for us, that God will take our hands and show us what to do, and how to do it; that He will prepare all hearts to be involved, and that no hearts will be broken as we walk this path....

So, on that note...Here are a few pics of me and my hubby. Yesterday, I introduced him at Macy's as my best friend and teammate. I think that's the very least I could say about this man. There simply is no one like David Cooley, and through Hell or high water, I am blessed to be married to him. And darn it, we look cute together, LOL!

Cardiology update....

...Big sigh, as 10,000 pounds of pressure falls off the shoulders...The cardiology visit is over, and I won't be returning for 6 months. Can I get a "Hallelujah," people?!?!?
I turn 32 next month, and when I told my mother that I had this appointment today, her first words were "Do you want me to go with you? I can come with you!!!" So, off I went today, with my ma in tow. The funniest part is that my mom is younger than most of the people in the lobby, and we're not even there for her. We're there for me. Truthfully, I think she wanted to go so she could hear his verdict for herself, although I don't think she'd admit that. And since we're being honest, going to the cardiologist makes me a nervous wreck, so I was totally THANKFUL that she came with me. By the time I got there, when he checked my blood pressure, it was like, 149/98, which is TERRIBLE for me, so I can't imagine how high it would have been had I been driving!!!!
Although he pretty much pooh-pooh'd the nutritional supplements I've been taking per Dr. Shea's recommendations, Dr. Mazei lauded the weight loss and changes in my blood work that have happened over the past 3 months. 34 pounds gone, and my total cholesterol has dropped over 40 points, putting me at a comfortable 183. My triglycerides have dropped by like, 100 points, and all lab markers for insulin resistance (the precursor for diabetes) have normalized, so I'm looking good from the inside out, literally! :)
Here's the funniest thing he said: I'm under doctor's orders to drink. Ha! No, seriously....my HDL (the good cholesterol) is freakishly low (I must get it from my father), and he said one of the only ways he knows of how to raise HDL, is by having one glass of red wine every night. What he doesn't know, is that I don't drink. Never have been much for it, except the occasional wine cooler (Lindi, haha) or samplings at the wineries once a year. In fact, the glass-and-a-half I had on Saturday about knocked me over. So I'm hoping that grape juice will have the same effect on the HDL? 'Cause really...I'm not a drinker. I'm afraid of the stuff...because I know I like it, and because I've seen what can happen when people I'm related to like it a lot. I just thought it was funny that my doc was telling me to imbibe.
I'm also under orders to work out 6 days a week. Yikes!!! I think I can do it...it's just hard to get out there and hustle it when the weather sucks, and our house is kinda small to work out in here. Think I actually am going to join the YMCA, after a careful review of the budget next month. We'll have to cut a few things, but I'm thinking it's going to be worth it.
As far as my cardiomyopathy goes, my doc is willing to put it in writing, that my heart has normalized. He's reduced my only remaining medication by 1/2, and may reduce it even more; however, he thinks I'll be on that one little pill for the rest of my life, to support continued heart strength, and to keep my blood pressure low enough. High blood pressure actually makes your heart a time bomb, damaging the muscle itself, and causing damage to the arteries and veins of the body. If left unchecked, BOOM--heart attack or stroke. That doesn't sound like much fun to me, so I guess I'll keep taking the darn pill.
So, all in all, everything is good. He didn't order anymore tests, no monitors, no echos, no nothing, and my physical exam shows that outside of my normal mitralvalve prolapse (a valve in the heart doesn't shut all of the way, so there's a gurgle sound and kind of a reflux of blood into one of the chambers of the heart--it's super-common, and I've had both that, and a very tiny arrythmia my whole life), my heart is completely normal with no worries.
The visit went well, and I'm thankful that it's totally over!!!! I won't have to go back for another 6 months, thank God!!!
While I have your attention...please remember that the statistics for women and heart issues are staggering. It's the #1 killer of women in the US, and we don't think about it while we're young. I was 28 years old--say that to yourself: 28 years old. What were you doing at 28? What would you like to be doing at 28? I certainly didn't think I'd be fighting for my life. And 3 years later, at 31 (almost 32), I still stop and occasionally freak out at how close it came for me. I don't know if my pregnancy caused my heart issues, or if they were there to begin with, and the pregnancy brought them to light. What I do know, is that I want to let as many people know about heart health as I can. Start now---not after the damage is done.
And that's my soapbox.
I'm thankful for some time spent with my momma this morning...and even more thankful for continued good reports from my cardiologist! Thank you to you all, for your love, prayers, and support...This is a rough week for David and I, and it's your kindness and encouragement that is keeping me out from under the covers and putting one foot in front of the other! The best birthday gift that I can give my Hannah-girl, is the effort to take better care of myself, and honor her memory in that way...
Love, thanks, prayers, and health to your hearts!!!

Wandering around...

It's raining outside, and it's perfect. The leaves are flying off of the trees, leaving them naked and defenseless; the wind is stripping them of their fancy dresses faster than Cinderella's evil stepsisters when they found out she'd made her ballgown out of their recycled castaways...The sun, so jealous of the fiery finery they wore, has hidden, until the rain and the storm have done their dirty work...when they're finished, the sun will shine upon their bareness, and laugh, because she is once again the most beautiful thing we'll see all winter long...
Cold, wet, rainy, achy fall days are so melancholy...and it's perfect.
I am sad.
I have a hard time admitting it, even if everyone around me knows it's true. I place unrealistic expectations on myself, telling myself that I will be judged if I admit that I'm hurting, even by those who love me and who know better. I bark at my husband, at my family, even at my coworkers, and I blame everything else, because I don't want to be perceived as being so unspiritual that my heart still mourns for that precious baby girl I had to say goodbye to..
Is it unspiritual?
Am I a bad Christian, because I can't celebrate the hope that I have, in knowing that I will have her for eternity, at least, not right now? Am I a bad Christian, because my heart is breaking on the inside? I love Jesus with all of my heart, but is my faith not enough right now? Is it a sin, to tell God that even now, I still think He was wrong to have taken her away from her mommy? I know He has His ways, that He knows what He is doing...but that's my child, and I miss her.
I still regret that the first words out of my mouth, after she died...I took it out on Him, and sometimes, I still do.
I know He can handle it...I know He can handle the hurt, and the grief, the sadness and longing...His shoulders are wide enough to carry the weight of the world, so they're certainly wide enough to carry my pain.
Yes, I have hope.
Yes, I have grace to get me through.
Yes, Jesus loves me.
I should be planning a 3rd birthday party for a pretty little mini-me with Daddy's cheeks and Mommy's toes...
I should be learning about Dora and Nemo and Clifford...
I should be planning family pictures in piles of fall leaves...
I shouldn't be choked by wondering what I should be doing,
Because it's not about what I should be doing...
It's about what I am doing right now.
And what I am doing right now
Is crying.
Wishing.
Hoping.
Praying
Wondering.
Yelling.
Trying to not hide in my bed for the next 6 days and drown my sorrows in heavy doses of xanax and ice cream.
Trying to focus on good things,
Even when I can't see anything right now because everything is too blurry from tears...
I know this is temporary,
And I WILL NOT STAY in this place, because I have a responsibility to continue hoping in the promises of God--I'm not staying here.
But sometimes, grief hits like a tsunami, and right now, in this place, I am drowning....
My life raft is coming
And it will all be okay....

Simple...

Make it simple...
Give me the words,
Put the voice in my throat
And show me how to say
Every little word
You want to hear...
I'll wear what you want
Just to hear you say
You like
Something
I've Done...
Make it simple...
Put my hands in position;
I'll be your mannequin
Striking the pose
That will make you
Come-hither
Again...
Just to hear you say
You think
I'm pretty...
Make it simple...
Straighten my hair;
Smooth out the curls
So it lies flat enough
To draw your attention
Make it whatever color
Whatever direction
Anything
Just to hear you say
You think
I'm beautiful...
The shiny has worn off
And now I am here
And I can't remember
What I really look like
Underneath it all...
When I stand here alone
What do I see in that mirror?
Who is that person?
Did I even know her in the first place?
And if I did,
Why did I let her
Become
So
Unrecognizable
Behind
The Complications
of
Being
Simple?
Even
Ordinary
Isn't
Always
Good
Enough.

So,
Here I go
And I will
Make it
Simple
On
My
Own....

Some thoughts about the SHARE Walk...

The SHARE Walk for Remembrance and Hope is on Saturday, and I'm truly looking forward to it...Emotions run high at these events. For some parents, it's their first year since their babies passed away; for others, the grief has hung over them like a heavy blanket, leaving them unable to keep walking. There are a lot of tears; but I don't want you to think that it's a bunch of parents sitting there crying over what could have been. We miss our babies, period, and this is one of the few times we can get together with a sense of understanding everyone around us...this is a safe place for us to cry, without anyone telling us that we "need to move on", or that we should "get over it" (and yes, I've heard it all). If we cry, so what? Our hearts are sad, at that moment, and it's okay.
However, our little group has something different: We have hope, and a lot of parents who have lost children, have lost hope. We have the love of Jesus, and the knowledge that our Hannah is with Him. I believe in Heaven, and I know that when I get there, I've got a baby girl to spend some make-up time with. That, to me, warrants a kind of celebration, and that's what the SHARE Walk is for me. It's a celebration of the life that I have, of the life that I held, and of the life in eternity that we all have waiting for us. I may cry, because I'm human, I'm a mommy, and I miss my baby girl...but I will also celebrate. That blanket of grief, for me, is gone, and that season of my life has passed. It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt; it means that my walk has continued, and the seasons have changed to times of life, times of hope, and the time where laughter has come again, come what may.
I know that might sound cheesy...but Saturday, to me, is the chance to honor my little girl, to celebrate those of you who have touched her life, and our lives, and to remind all of us that we'll see her again...and that when we do see her again, we never have to say goodbye.

Busy week!

I always feel like I have subconscious intro music playing when I say this...but I have a cardiology appointment next week (dun dun duuuuunnnnn!!!!!). I really, truly don't like these appointments, not because I don't like my doctor (I do, he's a rock star!), but because they're incredibly stressful. Tomorrow, I'm going to get labwork done, to check the basics like cholesterol, glucose, etc., and I'm also getting that monster called a C-Reactive Protein checked out. The CRP tells if there's inflammation in the body, and mine's been elevated for quite some time. It's been coming down, slowly but surely, for the last year; I'd like to see it completely normalized. I'm anxious to do these tests, because I think the changes to my numbers is going to be drastic. I'm down 33 pounds now, and darn it, it's got to pay off somewhere!!!!!
This past weekend, I crashed and burned...I had some crap food that I know was bad for me, and now I'm paying for it with an awesome eczema breakout on my face. Fan-freakin-tastic. I'm hoping it doesn't affect my lab results.
These labs...they're pretty important. Here's how it works: If the labs are good, I'm going to the cardiologist next week, and am telling him to take me off of my last medication that I use for my heart. He's already cut the dose in half, and I'd like to be done with it, already. My hope is that soon, if not now, he'lll write me some kind of letter saying that in his professional opinion, my cardiomyopathy has resolved. Then the fun begins:
I'm on COBRA benefits from David's last job. Thanks to Mr. Obama, that rate has been discounted for the last few months...it's going to go up very soon, and when that happens, it will be almost unaffordable. I've been speaking with a woman who specializes in hard-to-insure folks like me, and we're pretty sure I'll be able to get a decent family rate with that company...but I KNOW I can get a good rate if I can get the cardiologist to let me go. I'd also like to be able to have a decent life insurance policy--not huge, but decent. Right now, I'm on year 3 of a 5-year term, and that's no good. It's just not much of a plan in case something happens.
So, the lab work is more than routine for me. It's going to affect quite a few things, whether it's good or bad. I'm nervous, but hopeful....like I said, all of this hard work has to pay off somewhere!
As for the culinary crash-and-burn this weekend...I'd like to blame it on everything but the obvious, but let's be truthful: This time of the year is weighing on me (no pun intended, sheesh). So, I fell of the wagon, which was not good...but I got right back up and on it, so there we go. I'm hoping that got it out of my system (By the way, the tiramisu at Viviano's stinks. Go to Amici's in Kirkwood. If you're going to cheat, you may as well do it right...but you didn't hear that from me!).
I'll let you know what the cardiologist says, and how our SHARE Walk goes on Saturday!!!
Love and Tiramisu!

To make a donation for the SHARE Walk in honor of Hannah, please visit:
http://www.active.com/donate/sharewalk2009/TeamHannahsHope

Getting Ready for the SHARE Walk...

So, this is it...it's that time of the year again! October marks my 3rd opportunity to participate with the SHARE organization, which exists to provide support for parents who have lost a child, due to miscarriage, neonatal, and/or infant loss. It's an amazing organization to be a part of, and though I wish I'd never had a reason to know it existed, I'm so thankful that they're there.

You know, I've met so many other angel moms since Hannah's death. I've formed some interesting friendships, and I've shared angelversaries, birthdays, "rainbow babies " (that's what they call the first child you have after your child died--a child of the promise!). I've seen some women fall apart, and never pick up the pieces; I've seen some women use this heartbreak as a launching pad for ministry (I'd like to be one of those).

I'll never forget my first SHARE Walk. I went with David and my sister, Billie, and participated with my support group, Heaven's Smallest Angels...You feel so alone, when you lose a child; after all, this is the USA, babies don't die here, right? You feel like you're drowning in this huge ocean, and every sympathetic hug you get feels so shallow, because NO ONE knows what you're going through. When I got to my first walk, I was in shock. Here I was, surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and more, who had been affected by infant loss. They knew how I felt, how we felt...the sense of community I saw there blew my mind. I never experienced the same sense of loneliness that I'd had, to that degree, again, because I knew I wasn't alone. It was right before what would have been Hannah's first birthday, and I truly think that was her gift to me: Community.

Last year, I actually took my own team. Team Hannah's Hope had 7 members in it's first year, and we were so excited! I'm posting the pics from that occasion (and yes, my hair really is pink!!!!). We had such a great time. I know it sounds weird, to say that it was a happy occasion, but it really felt like a celebration for Hannah.


My first year, it was so heartbreaking, yet I felt uplifted because of the sense of community. My second year, it felt like a party for my girl! It was so sad, though, to look around and see the grief that had settled on some of the parents. Whether it was their first year or not, the depth of the hurt that weighed on some of them was tangible, and I found myself wanting to walk up to random people and just hug them, to tell them that it will be okay at some point...even though I know that for some of them, it simply will not be, because they will not choose to let it be. Some people like to stay in their grief, which to me, is the worst way to live. I want to honor Hannah with joy, and I want to share it with others.

So, here we are. Saturday, October 24th, is my 3rd SHARE Walk. This organization is one of the first ones to make it permissable to talk about losing a baby. Our grandparents went through things like this, and were never allowed to discuss them, or share their grief. Look at us now, how society and women are allowed to grieve and grow!!! I am proud, to be a part of an organization that gives us a voice, and that allows us to celebrate our babies...an organization that doesn't make us shut our mouths and hide our pain. In speaking about our loss, in sharing our grief, we are enabled to come to a place where we can achieve and share our JOY! On Saturday, I am celebrating the wonderful opportunity I had, to carry, birth, and meet my beautiful baby girl. On Saturday, I celebrate my Hannah Elizabeth Gayle Cooley...and truly, I celebrate her every day. I am thankful that God entrusted her to spend her short life with David and I, and though I miss her with all of my heart, I am so glad that it was my arms that she knew first and last....

She would be three years old on October 30th. I have a niece that was born 2 days before Hannah died, and I can't help but look at her and wonder...




To make a donation for the SHARE Walk in honor of Hannah, please visit:
http://www.active.com/donate/sharewalk2009/TeamHannahsHope

Cassidy's Commentary: Starting Something New!

Hi! Welcome to my blog! When I was a kid, I used to dream that someday, I'd be able to publish my own newspaper, or at the very least, be a journalist. Well, I'm not either of those things; in fact, I'm an office manager. But thanks to modern technology and the wonders of blogging, I can still have the chance to get my opinion on life, love, and lunatics out into the world via cyberspace!


I knew that if I ever had my newspaper, I'd call it "Cassidy's Commentary." Not only am I highly opinionated; I'm a sucker for alliteration. So, here we are! I met with some new friends this afternoon, and discussed my previous blogging on Facebook and on MySpace. I'm hoping that some of my followers on both sites will follow me here, in this more publicly-available forum. So, if you already know me, great! If not, let me tell you a little bit about my story....
I'm 31 years old, and married to my husband, David. We were married in 2005, in the funniest, craziest wedding EVER. Our theme verse for our wedding was truly prophetic about the unpredictable life that we lead:
"However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him"--I Cor. 2:9
Honestly, who picks that for a wedding verse? It's a roller coaster, I tell you! God is a funny God, and He has certainly blessed our lives in many unexpected ways!

After discussing children, we decided in the fall of 2005 to get a dog, Holly. We figured she'd be a great start to practicing for a family. Little did we know that Holly the Boxer was a great first "child." You'll hear about her a lot on this blog, as she's kind of the light of my life. We got Holly in November of 2005, and much to our surprise, discovered we were pregnant in March of 2006. Guess we didn't get much time to "practice" parenting before the real thing came along!


Throughout my pregnancy, things were a little chaotic. After I told my employer I was pregnant, they suddenly let me go,leaving us on my husband's income. In the summer, my blood pressure began to go up, so medications were prescribed to reduce my blood pressure. I finally found a wonderful job, but had to wait to begin my position until August, so I spent the summer of 2005 enjoying my pregnancy, and trying to take it easy. 2 days before I began my new position, my husband lost his job after almost 10 years with the company. I was hysterical; I figured that God was ignoring us. Through it all, we were surrounded by a wonderful church family that loved and supported us, and kept us encouraged. I began my new job with a chiropractor in Webster Groves, and quickly realized that I loved my new boss and new responsibilities.


With the baby due in December, and with David looking for a job in earnest, things seemed tight, but good. In October, my regular visits to the OB/GYN began to get complicated, as my blood pressure began to rise. Finally, after an ear-splitting migraine with double-vision, my doctor decided to admit me to the hospital at 32 weeks. We held off for a bit, but Miss Hannah Elizabeth Gayle Cooley made her beautiful debut on October 30, 2006! We were so happy!!!
Two days after I delivered, though, something went terribly wrong with my heart. I developed a fairly rare condition called "peripartum cardiomyopathy," with congestive heart failure and pulmonary hypertension. My heart had swollen to 3x it's regular size, and my lungs were completely full of fluid. The doctors had no idea why or how it happened; all I know, is that I couldn't breathe, and that life hasn't been the same ever since. My left ventricle was functioning at less than 10%; most women that have had the cardiomyopathy to that extent, either die, or need a heart transplant. God was truly watching over me! After a week of a lot of medications, consults, fear, and freak-outs, the doctors let me go home. Hannah, as a preemie, got to come home a week after me, on November 12th, 2006. Truly, it was the happiest day of my life: We brought Hannah home, and for a week and a half, our lives were bliss. Thanksgiving was spent with my family, and Hannah got to meet so many wonderful people! The day after Thanksgiving, though, things took a tragic turn. After waking up at 6:00 a.m., Hannah made a cry unlike any other I'd ever heard. I picked her up to feed her, but she refused to eat. David tried to feed her, but she still refused her bottle. I called the pediatrician, and followed her advice; Hannah stopped breathing, and the ambulance was called. She went to the local hospital, and was life-flighted to Cardinal Glennon Children's Hospital; by 1:00 that afternoon, my daughter was in a coma. It took 24 hours for the cultures to come back; Hannah had somehow caught Late-Onset Group B Strep, which caused Bacterial Meningitis to set in. Our beautiful baby girl went home to Jesus on November 28, 2006, at 29 days of age.... My world ended. Counseling...anti-depressants...weight gain...medications...blaming...worrying...being told we'd never have children again...wondering where God was, losing our spiritual place...The first year after Hannah died was the hardest year of my life. I'd drive to work, cry...drive home, cry...David eventually found a job, which was nice, but the tears just never seemed to stop, and no one really knew what to do with me. I read every book on the loss of a child that I could find (incidentally, Nancy Guthrie's were the best I found--they seemed to touch the part of my heart that had completely shut down). I looked up organizations (www.nationalshare.org), blogged my guts out, and tried to function. Slowly but surely, with the help of God, my family, and my church, I began to return to myself again. My boss (who's eligible for sainthood) actually sent me to Landmark Forum, and it was at that point that I truly felt like I could be normal again...and began to try to act like it. Meanwhile, my heart function made it to 35-40%, and we were hoping to be told in November, 2007, that we'd be allowed to have children again. The perinatologist laughed at me, and said we may as well start looking into adoption. This did not, ahem, sit well with me. I began to determine in my heart that God had given me a heart's desire to be a mom, and darn it, I was going to see it actualized. My heart would heal, inside and out. Period. February, 2008 saw some more random craziness that God had in store for us.

David received a job offer in Lexington, KY, so we picked up and moved halfway across the country, LOL. I figured that as a couple, we'd already been through the worst thing we could go through; how bad could moving away from everything I know and love, be? Hahahahahaha. It sucked. I met a few great people in KY, but overall, I didn't like being away from my family, church, and super-rad boss here in St. Louis. The one great thing that happened in Kentucky, was that I met Dr. Barton at Central Baptist Hospital....oh, and my heart finally reached a normal, 55-60% left ventricle ejection fraction, which is MIRACULOUS!!!!! Based on Dr. Barton's historical research, David and I were given the green-light to try for another pregnancy. Before you ask, no, not yet. I wanted to lose the weight I had put on, and I definitely wanted to be healthier before we tried again. When David lost his job in February, '09, it put the baby plans on hold a bit longer. We are holding out for God's timing, and we know it will happen!

Since returning home to St. Louis, a few awesome things have happened: First of all, my heart function has maintained it's awesomeness. Secondly, thanks to my boss' help, I have begun to lose a significant amount of weight. I actually went back to work for the chiropractor in Webster Groves, where I was in 2006! The combination of acupuncture, chiropractic care, working out, and the Take Shape For Life program have helped me lose 33 pounds at this point, and there's more to come. Also, I have hooked up with the St. Louis chapter of the American Heart Association, and am now speaking to groups of women to raise awareness of heart health in our area. After all--I was only 28 when my heart gave out. Who thinks about heart disease when they're 28? Even if they have a significant family medical history?

Life is good. Through heartbreak (literal and emotional) and happiness, several things remain unchanged: God is good, even when we don't understand His ways....my husband is an amazing rock of a man, regardless of his employment status....my church family, no matter where I am, is a testimony to the love and care of our Father for His children...and finally, no matter what, my dog loves me deep. We're a happy family. We're missing a piece...but we're still happy. And most importantly, we have peace about whatever craziness God has for our future. So, that's my story....and this is my blog. Hopefully, I'll share a bit more as life happens, and you'll comment back to me! Thanks for reading, and God Bless You!!!!