Prophecy, transparency, and duct tape...

Growing up in a charismatic church had a huge effect on my life. There wasn't a lot that I didn't see, during that time; after all, it was a time in which people were getting knocked-out cold in the Spirit on a regular basis. By the time I was 14, seeing someone fly through the air under the power of God was a regular occurrence for me. I was used to it, and perhaps, a bit jaded, religious, and arrogant, because of it (gee, look how spiritual I am!!!).
I grew up in one of the coolest youth groups in the country. Our youth minister was a silver-tongued biblical GENIUS, who managed to combine serving God with looking cool. He ignited such a passion for God in me, that it made me able to handle the junk I received at school for believing in the crazy things I believed in.
I went to Christian high school, but really felt ostracized, as one of the only charismatics there. It was MUCH worse in college, and I learned to shut my mouth more than I should have. Amazing, how we as Christians, do more to kill each other spiritually than the world would ever need to do...
But, I digress...
I believe in a God Who's crazy. A God Who will literally knock you on your butt to show you that He's trying to talk to you...a Father Who loves you enough to tell you "no" sometimes...that's the best way I know of, how to put it. I also know that I try my hardest to hide my "secret" sins from Him, and after seeing people in the church get exposed for activities they tried to keep silent, I've become REALLY afraid of prophets, going forward for prayer, and people that I KNOW are hearing from Him...Not that I don't think God knows...I just don't want anyone else to know! (Oh, admit it--you get just as freaked out as I do; I'm just publishing it. Don't judge! :)
I still go to a charismatic church, and yes, for all of you pseudo-nitwits who have to ask, I believe in speaking in tongues, prophecy, miracles, and all of that other good stuff. 4 years in a Spirit-squishing college couldn't take that away from me (I know that's harsh, but seriously. Looking back, how and why did I not stand up more for what I truly believed in? Maybe that's why I got so lost, in college, that I almost didn't find my way back. I felt so scared about what others believed or thought of me, that I forgot my roots, and who I really was. Hmm.). I don't believe that God boxes Himself up to what we think He should be, to what fits in our god-box. He does more, is more, and is capable of so much more than our little brains can handle, so who are we, to say what He will and will not use or do?
Anyways, in my little charismatic church, the word "prophecy" gets used a lot. People are so anxious to hear from God, and we have several people that scour the internet looking for what God is saying to people, in this day and age...what is His will? Where do we go from here? We are looking for direction and answers from Him, that are pertinent to this day, to where the church is now. Because of that, I've noticed myself slipping back into some old habits where prophecy is concerned. I figure I can't be the only one; so, maybe my transparency will help someone else. I'm hoping that no one reads this and is offended--if you are, well, tell me about it. Teach me. 'Cause I have a lot to learn, and I'm not the only one.

When I was a teenager, a prominent evangelist came to my church (not the one I'm at now). A huge revival broke out, and it was ridiculous! People were getting words from the Holy Spirit, to share verbally in the church--something I think people said were prophecies, but I don't think so. I think there's a difference, between a Word of Knowledge, and a Prophecy. Both have a recurrent theme: Get it right, get right; serve God, give Him glory, seek His face. But, Words of Knowledge are those things which shine light on the dark places; sometimes, the dark places we're trying to hide. People were getting called out, and not always in a bad way--the Holy Spirit was also encouraging people with things only they knew about, and not the person praying for them.
I, for one, am terrified of those Words of Knowledge...I just know that one of these days, all of the stuff in the closet is going to come crashing down on me!!!! Thus, all the more reason to deal with it here at home, privately, so as to keep it from being turned out in the open.
Prophecy is different. Words of Knowledge seem meant to correct, to encourage, to bolster and increase your passion. They're individual. I think sometimes, when people say they want to hear a prophecy, what they're really wanting is that Word of Knowledge. They want to hear from God, something that directly affects their individual life. The danger there, is that we find ourselves looking for those Words of Knowledge like they're some kind of theological Magic 8 Ball. We look at both Prophecy and Words of Knowledge, like we're expecting God to go all psychic and stuff on us, and give us our reading for the day. That's not what it's for. Again, Words of Knowledge are not meant to give us our psychic fix--they're meant to correct, encourage, and revive us.
Prophecy, however, is meant for the Body of Christ, as a whole. I'm sitting here with my super-spiritual Nave's Topical Bible (LOL!), and I've got the section on prophecy in front of me. Check it out--the prophecies in the Bible mostly deal with Jesus, in one form or another. Prophecies have a focus on wide audiences. Words of Knowledge focus on the individual. Prophecies before Christ all point to His coming; prophecies after His birth point to His return. I like this one, as I'm looking at these Scriptures: Amos 3:1 (CEV)says "Listen to this message that the Lord has spoken against you, O people of Israel and Judah (note: prophecy addressed to a LARGE body)--the entire family I rescued from Egypt."...v. 7 (NIV)says "Surely the Sovereign Lord does nothing without revealing His plan to His servants, the prophets." Prophecies to the church body today all point to His return, and to what we as a BODY need to do to get ready. The prophecies to the Israelites were meant to get them in shape, get them to the place where they recognized their Messiah. They missed the boat--and so will we, if we don't listen to the prophets of today.
So, I've found that any time someone in the church uses the word "prophecy" that I'm scared. I'm worried that some huge lightning-bolt-shaped flame is going to come down from Heaven and point out my flaws, leaving me exposed for what and who I really am ("smite button " on the big mess, LOL). I always try to duck my head down when people either prophesy or have those Words..why does it feel like such a hammer? I mean, if I acted like what I say I believe, I'd have nothing to hide, right?
I know what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of the will of God, afraid that He will cause me to have to speak, afraid that someone will figure me out and call me on the carpet for keeping my mouth shut. Part of me wants it to happen--part of me wants someone to grab my hand and look me in the eye, and say "Cassidy, what are you not saying?!? Why are you of all people, silent?" I open my mouth for the dumbest things, but not the things I know God is telling me to live and say...and I know I'm not the only one.
Be ready.
Because when God calls on you, when He calls your name and tells you to take a stand, you'd better do it. If you don't, you find yourself in this boat that I've been sitting in for 15 years--this feeling of having your mouth duct-taped shut, this feeling that you're missing the boat you're supposed to be on. You feel like you're missing your freedom...that you've traded in His approval for the struggle of man's approval.
You feel like you're living in fear..sadness...separation from God, even as you say that you love Him.
And it sucks.
Because now that I'm getting that revelation, I'm seeing that it's no one's fault but my own. Not my parents, not their rules, not my school, not my job--My fault. It's my fault that I'm afraid of the Words of Knowledge (especially when I already know what He'd say if He sent someone to me to say it), that the word "prophecy" bugs me so much. I know what He's saying...I know what's coming. I know that even though it makes me sound crazy to the average person, I don't care--He's coming back, and it's sooner that you'd think. I am not ready, no matter what I may say when I put on my "hallelujah" face! It's my fault that I'm afraid of the revelation from God...that I'm afraid of His love.
This fear and fault that I'm feeling is taken to a level I know it shouldn't be...the gentle conviction of the Spirit has been replaced by condemnation by the enemy, and it holds me back. It's duct tape, and no, duct tape doesn't fix everything. Sometimes it causes you to be held down to something you were never meant to be held down to.
I think it's time to take the duct tape off.
I don't know what convinced me to put this online. Maybe I'm hoping that my rambling is so long that no one will actually read this whole thing, and I'll get away with it. I don't know. What I do know, is that I'm finding myself at a point where I have to choose...seek Him first, or continue on my "merry" way? Be miserable, or take some steps into the Great Unknown? My pastor's wife made a huge point today: When faced with crossing the River Jordan (Joshua 3), the Israelites had to first put their foot down into the water, before it actually parted for them to walk through. Something tells me that if I just get my feet wet in the right direction, it will be okay. I'm terrified to get my feet wet. Sometimes, miserable and familiar seems better than unknown territory.
And, I think I've taken digressing to an extreme at this point, so that's all I got right now. Prophecy vs. Words of Knowledge, Transparency, and Duct Tape. I don't think I'm finished with this one, yet...