Mad hilarity and total irreverence...

Didn't know Billy Corgan would be leading worship at church today...Just kidding. But the guy who came with Radiant Worship from KC, MO today DID have quite the physical/vocal resemblance. Church today was fantastic, and even though I totally can't sing right now (I've been sick for a week), I tried. There's something SO beautiful about singing at the top of your lungs, "I am my Beloved's and He is MINE!!!" that shakes the inner rafters!
I honestly don't know what kind of bug I got a hold of this week (probably the gift of a patient :), but I was SICK with a capital "ICK!" Coughing, sore throat, the whole 9 yards of crapola, and it all hit on Saturday night. Saturday, 1/22, was the first in a series of monthly events at the church that are designed to focus on just worshiping God for Who He is--not asking anything of Him, just honoring Him, and I was privileged to be on the music team that night. It was the first night of feeling truly awful, but I know I was supposed to be there. Someone from the church said they had something for "those who have lost hope." Well, that's me...I'm someone who has lost hope. Doesn't mean I've lost faith...it's two different things, and yes, they can be completely separate.
So there, in the midst of feeling awful, this woman says a bit about not losing hope, about holding on, yada-yada-yada, and all I could do was engage in the lovely mental picture of stage-diving on top of her and tackling her to the ground. "SHUT!! UP!!" is all I could think--I don't want to hear "don't lose hope! What do YOU know about not losing hope?!?!?" My mental reaction kind of stunned me, but it was honest. Holding on to hope is all I've got, and I've been there for 4 long years.
What would happen if I just let go?
What would happen if I just let it all go--hope, heart's desire, all of it?
Where would I be?
I don't think I'd be any where.
They opened the front of the church up for prayer for those who needed hope, and after I got over myself (I'm on stage! I can't leave the platform!! Whatever, dude--the coolest thing about our team is that our worship director knows that our relationship with God is more important than anything. If we need prayer, we go--no pretenses, no worries--just go), I went over for prayer and (again) laid it all down.
I still have hope.
God is still God.
He knows what He's doing.
Who am I, to think any of it has to make "sense?"
It was actually kind of a deliverance for me, in a sense...it was a restoration, and I truly feel like hope is on it's way to being restored...there is so much I can celebrate right now, and so much to celebrate in it's own time.
My goal for this year is to be thankful for where I'm at...to celebrate where I am.
I like to laugh, darn it, and I like it even more when I MEAN it.
It's the only part of Proverbs 31 that I'm any good at--"she can laugh at the days to come."
I think they should amend that a bit--"She can laugh at today." Sometimes that's the hardest thing to do.
Certain things have happened this week that are troubling me, and challenging my hope. They're definitely nothing to laugh at; in fact, though I should be sad, I'm mostly angry, but none of it is anything I can "fix," so I have to learn to celebrate letting it be...to celebrate letting God do His job. This will be, ahem, hard. Prayers would be appreciated...for clarity, for peace, for my mother, for wisdom, and for (did I say) clarity.
On that note...
I love how glass is clear. (There's my segue. It's all I've got). I was at a health fair in Plaza Frontenac yesterday, that I was worried about. I feared that I'd be surrounded by a bunch of botoxed size-2 white chicks in Versace, feeling underclassed, fat, and out of my element. I put on my black outfit, grabbed some "fling" (it's only "bling" if it's real, folks), and did my best at what I do (remember that I'm still "under the weather"). My boss was there, and she was speaking to a prospective patient; I was turned in the other direction, when I see a man walking with his daughter, and WHAM-O! He walked SMACK into a huge glass wall! (Funny thing--he looked a lot like Scott Joggerst, so use Scott as you're picturing this. It makes it SO much funnier!). He quickly shook it off, glanced around to see if anyone saw, and kept walking like nothing happened...meanwhile, his wife starts CRACKING up, and I, who was aware of my employer off to my side, just about bit my tongue in half to keep from falling to the ground in hysterics. Moral of the story: Just because God makes things clear, doesn't mean we are aware enough to SEE them! (And, watching someone walk into glass is frickin' hilarious. It is. I'd post the video on YouTube, if I had one!).

And, just because I wanted something else to laugh at, I purchased a book at B&N today, called "B is For Bad Poetry." It's cheesy enough, and corny enough, that I think I'll periodically be quoting it for my Facebook status updates (just to make Pastor Joe go "WHAT?"). It has absolutely nothing spiritual to do with this blog, and there is no point whatsoever in my tacking this onto the end of my ramblings, so here's a quote for now, just to make you wonder:

"Zebra"
It's too bad you think
life is so black and white.
If you had four legs and a tail
we could at least talk.

(Oh, that's mental!)

Sometimes, He gets you with a song...

I haven't been posting much; honestly, I've been totally sick for the past few days, and wouldn't even be writing this if this song hadn't gotten my attention so violently...
My friend gave me the Steven Curtis Chapman CD, "Beauty Will Rise," which he wrote after his little girl passed away. The entire CD grabs my heart, as it's written from someone who's faith has been shaken the same way mine has, and who has lived to tell the tale...This particular song moved me, as these are words that I find myself saying so often--"This is not how it should be; this is not how it could be; this is how it is, and our God is in control." It's the blind acceptance that we don't get it, but He gets us, and we STILL trust Him. This is not an easy thing to do, and it's a daily journey for me on so many levels. God is, and always will be (no matter if I agree or understand), GOOD. This song is called "Our God is in Control" (and side note--extra-special meaning, as this was partially recorded at Rupp Arena in Lexington, KY, in the UK Wildcat locker room. Love it!)

"This is not how it should be
This is not how it could be
This is how it is
And our God is in control

This is not how it will be
When we finally will see
We'll see with our own eyes
He was always in control

And we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
And we will finally really understand what it means
So we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
While we're waiting for that day

This is not where we planned to be
When we started this journey
But this is where we are
And our God is in control

Though this first taste is bitter
There will be sweetness forever
When we finally taste and see
That our God is in control

And we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
And we will finally really understand what it means
So we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
While we're waiting for that day

We're waiting for that day
We'll keep on waiting for that day
And we will rise
Our God is in control

(Holy, holy, holy)

Our God is in control

**I could sit here and post the lyrics of the entire album. If you, or anyone you know, have been through a major loss in your life, get the CD. It's worth it...there is hope out there, and things like this remind us all of it.

Sometimes, you HAVE to tell on yourself!

Sometimes, we do things that are so embarrassing...The lady who was texting and walking, and fell into the fountain? Oh, I can so relate to that! What I can't relate to, is her whining about how she was going to sue the mall because "no one came to [her] aid." Not funny--pathetic, really. I could go on all day about that one, but it's not my point.
I have to tell on myself--I did a stupid, and I will happily sacrifice my reputation on the altar of hilarity! (I totally shouldn't tell this on myself, but who cares? It's funny! I WISH I had it on video, I'd be a jillionaire!)
I woke up this morning feeling terrible--I have a wicked-bad sore throat. Throat lozenges aren't helping me.
I laid down to take a nap.
I took my glasses off--did you know I'm totally blind without my glasses?
I reached for my throat spray...
IT WASN'T THROAT SPRAY!!!
IT WAS BIOFREEZE!!!!! (That's a mentholated muscle rub in a spray bottle)
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THAT BURNS?!?!?!?!?
I jumped out of bed, ran to the bathroom, couldn't breathe, jumped around in a circle, spit in the sink, rinsed my mouth out, did an oh-my-mouth-is-on-fire dance, and kept spitting.
Guess you had to be there.
It was hilarious.
I felt stupid.
It hurt.
And I'm still laughing about it. But, it makes sense, when you see what I saw when I reached for the bottle:

Really, could you have told the difference, if that's what you saw?!?!? Please note that I didn't even know the Biofreeze was on my night stand. I have no idea how that got there--it's supposed to be in the drawer. I couldn't see, I noticed a white spray bottle, and WHAM-O!
Now I'm going on national television to cry about the bottle's similarities...I may sue my husband for not helping me...I'M A VICTIM, HERE, PEOPLE!!!!
Oh, the sad state of our society...
Since I've been fired up about the fountain lady all week, I thought I'd share my own most recent embarrassing story to even the playing field. Hang around me for more than 5 minutes, and there will probably be more, to add to my lengthy list of falling over trash cans, falling into trash cans, tripping down stairs, attempting to poison myself, and setting the kitchen on fire.
When society can no longer laugh at itself, it's time to start over.
I'm going to call Poison Control now.

Health Insurance Deciphered...Part 1

I've been snowed in today, which means I am home alone without any plans. I remember a time in my life when that was a recipe for destruction, fo' sho. Those days are long gone, though, and I find myself in full-on task-accomplishment mode. The dog is hardly a distraction, minus her snores, and with the dulcet sounds of "Funkytown" playing in the background, I'm going to knock out something that's been on my to-do list for over a year: The Insurance Blog--Part 1
At some point, I'll be editing this and making it uber-professional, to send out to patients on the mailing list for the office. Since this is my personal blog, I'm going to be as honest as I can, without fear of retribution--it's MY BLOG, darn it, and I'll say what I want!!! :) The more I think about insurance companies, the more I realize I couldn't possibly write all of this in one blog, so at least, on this snow day, I will handle the first part.
For a background, (because credentials are always nice), I do not have a degree in health care. I am not a nurse, a licensed medical assistant, or a doctor. I am not a certified biller or coder, and I do not (nor have I ever) worked for an insurance company. I am not issuing legal or technical advice, and I am not guaranteeing benefits. So, on paper, I don't know anything, and I am not responsible for what you do with this information.
Practical experience, however, trumps credentialing. I have worked in health care for 10 years, starting as a chiropractic assistant/communications coordinator for a chiropractor in Franklin County. From there, I worked briefly as an unlicensed Medical Assistant/Federally-Certified Drug Tester, and then to my current position, as an Office Manager for a chiropractor in St. Louis. My specialty is chiropractic billing and coding.
Numerous personal health conditions have taught me extensively about handling insurance companies as a patient; my job has taught me extensively about handling insurance companies as a provider. I've seen both sides of a very ugly industry, and needless to say, I have opinions, tips, and tricks to make dealing with said companies much smoother than most would know.
Here are a few things I've learned along the way, in dealing with insurance companies. Remember that this is Part 1--if you have questions, I can try to address them in the next part.
1. Always review your Explanation of Benefits (EOB).
People get statements from their insurance company all of the time, and usually barely glance at them. In the office, I've heard the following phrase that truly disturbs me: "I barely look at the statements. I trust you guys." REALLY??? That's incredibly brave--you barely know me. Billing and coding is intentionally confusing (and it's about to get a lot worse). Some insurance companies don't even put the procedure codes or explanations on the statement, which I wholeheartedly disagree with. I recently received a statement from United Healthcare (my insurance company) for $1100 worth of lab work, that they said I was responsible for, that the lab would be billing me for. It stated the lab, and the cost, but not the codes or description of what the charges were actually for. Had I not known what the doctor had ordered, or what the lab was called, I'd have no idea what that $1100 charge was for, and would promptly freak out. The EOB is NOT a bill--it merely shows what your insurance company covered, and what your responsibility should be. You don't have to pay anything until the provider (the doctor,lab, or hospital you were seen at) bills you directly. Should you need to negotiate that bill, you'll do it with the provider, NOT with the insurance company.
Reviewing the EOB not only prepares you for the billed amount; it also alerts you, should someone have committed insurance fraud on your account. If you see a provider you've never heard of on your EOB, you need to call your insurance company and find out who it is. Don't forget, though, that labs/radiology usually has a third-party handler that bills for interpreting your tests, and you may not know their name. For example, say I go to St. Luke's for a chest x-ray. I am billed at least 2 different ways--1. The hospital bills me for the x-ray. 2. The radiologist bills me for his interpretation of the x-ray--we've never met, so when I see a charge from a Dr. I-can't-pronounce-this on my EOB, and I call, someone has to tell me that he's the radiologist who read my film. In a private office, they could bill 1. for the x-ray; 2. for an outside consultation of the x-ray; 3. for the doctor/patient follow-up consult on the x-ray. Keep in mind that EOBs do contain the date of service for the charges. If you keep track of when you've had doctor's visits/lab work, and compare it to the charges on the EOB, it really does help clarify.
2. Verify your benefits before you make an appointment. No one likes to do this--if I had a nickle for every time someone asked me if they had coverage, I'd be rich. It is not my job to find out what your benefits are, and even if it was, I can't do it unless I have your card in my hand. And, even if I have your card in my hand, whatever information I get from the insurance company clearly states that it is NOT A GUARANTEE OF BENEFITS. I can only find out so much; usually, it's not until a claim actually goes through, that I see the full insurance coverage for service. BE PROACTIVE. Go online or call the Member Services number on the back of your insurance card before you see a physician to make sure they're in-network. Look at your card to estimate your co-pay. Know what your deductible is. This is all part of being a responsible patient--if you know what your benefits are before you go into a doctor's office, there are fewer surprises when you get that EOB.
3. Things aren't always what they seem. I realize that may come as a shock, when dealing with an insurance company. Services can mistakenly be denied; software issues can cause claims to process incorrectly. *()*( happens. If you get a statement or a denial, and you feel that the charges are not correct, call the insurance company. Ask them to reprocess the claim. I once sat in a physical therapist's office where they told me I didn't have the necessary coverage to pay for a $400 custom wrist brace. I asked them to hand me the phone, and I spoke with the insurance representative. Within 2 minutes, I had the brace paid for in full. What made the change? Besides the fact that I'm a self-proclaimed insurance badass, logic was on my side. Deny a $400 brace, or pay $10000 for surgery. EVERYTHING IS NEGOTIABLE (except for deductibles and copays). If a service is denied, talk to the insurance company first, then file an appeal. When you file the appeal, (which usually, your doctor's office knows about before you do), contact your physician to get the necessary documentation to support your claim.
4. Repeat it again: EVERYTHING IS NEGOTIABLE except for deductibles and copays.
Deductible = The amount of money you pay out of pocket, before your insurance pays anything. This amount varies; David and I currently have a $1500 deductible, per person. This does not mean that we pay $1500, dollar-for-dollar, before the insurance company kicks in--the deductible is subject to the contractual agreement your provider has with your insurance company. Deductibles are perhaps the most confusing part of the insurance process, and this is why. Your provider agrees to take a significant reduction in fees, in order to be in-network with (and advertised by) a set insurance company. For example, Dr. R., a chiropractor, would like to have access to the number of patients who have United HealthCare for an insurance company. In order to get into that network of people, she agrees to accept a discounted rate for her chiropractic adjustments--instead of the $45 she normally gets for the adjustment, she agrees to accept a contractual rate of $30 for the adjustment. If I have a deductible of $500, and I want to go see her, I will pay her $30/visit (not $45) until my deductible is met. I get the United HealthCare discount, but United HealthCare doesn't pay anything until I've met that $500 deductible, $30 at a time (even though $45/visit is billed, only the $30 contractually allowed amount applies to the $500). Then, after the $500 deductible is met, United HealthCare will pay Dr. R. the $30 (minus whatever my copay is-if my copay is $15, then United HealthCare will only pay Dr. R. an additional $15) per visit until my visit limit is reached.
YOU AGREE TO THE AMOUNT OF THE DEDUCTIBLE AT THE TIME YOU CHOOSE YOUR HEALTHCARE PLAN (ENROLLMENT). IT IS NOT NEGOTIABLE, AS YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE TO BE INFORMED ABOUT THE DECISION THAT YOU MAKE. I stress this--just last week, I got a phone call from a patient who was totally distraught. During Open Enrollment at her company, she chose the wrong plan and will now have a significant decrease in her coverage. DURING OPEN ENROLLMENT, YOU CHOOSE YOUR PLAN, YOUR HEALTH INSURANCE PROVIDER, YOUR DEDUCTIBLES, etc. MAKE THIS DECISION VERY CAREFULLY, as it will have a huge affect on you in the following year. You might laugh, but I sat on the floor and highlighted key issues in each plan offered. It was a detailed decision, and not easy to make. Consider yourself, your spouse, and your family; don't base the decision strictly on the cost/month.
Copays and coinsurance are generally not negotiable, either, unless you're able to prove financial hardship. Copays are clearly defined on your insurance card, i.e., $20 Office Visit (OV), $35 Specialist, $50 Emergency Room. This amount is generally due at the time of service. Coinsurance, however, is a little different. Most plans with coinsurance have a deductible, and after that deductible is met, you're responsible for a percentage of the contractually allowed fees. For example, after I meet my $1500 deductible, I only pay 20% of any medical charges I might have. Most practices will bill for coinsurance, as it's nearly impossible to know the percentage of the contractually allowed amounts before it's processed through the insurance company.
Deductibles, coinsurances, and copays are not usually negotiable because they're something you agree to when you choose your plan during open enrollment. If you can prove financial hardship, though, most hospitals are willing to work with you (I speak from experience--David was unemployed while I was hospitalized for almost 3 weeks in 2006 and while Hannah was hospitalized for 2 weeks and 5 days--and life-flighted; we were also down to one income while I was hospitalized back in April for surgery, for 3 days). Never be afraid or ashamed to ask a hospital to work with you, financially.
Individual health care providers vary, as far as financial flexibility goes. I've never met one who wouldn't set up a payment plan, and few charge finance charges. People do need to understand that failure to pay health care bills will be reported to the Credit Bureau. You can get thrown into collections, so don't take their willingness to work with you, as a reason to blow off those doctor's bills. If you call the provider, they'll work with you. Don't ruin your credit over something as flexible as a doctor's bill.
I know this is long, and that it's only Part 1...this is a tangled industry, and there's a lot of information out there. I'll periodically add more to this, and if you have questions, I can try to answer them or find out more, to help you. Just know that YOU are not a helpless patient against the GIANT insurance companies. David felled Goliath--you can take these guys on, and come out ahead (or at least, with understanding).

Closing a chapter...

There are steps we take
We would have never agreed on
If we would have been given
The choice.
There are paths we have walked down;
Had we knew where they led,
We would have run screaming
In the other direction.
I walk blindly.
I take small steps with caution
Trust is not my strong point
Especially when I feel
Let down.
Getting back up again
Has taken the life out of me
I can only get back to
My knees.
I may never walk again.
Crawling is always
An option.
Being in a position
That requires
Being carried
Is not a position
I am fond of.
He is unbreakable,
I am so broken,
And He wants me on
His team.
Two steps forward...
Crash into a wall
Slide back to the floor...
Start over.
Other people make it look
So
Easy.
I feel
Learning disabled
in
Spiritual things...
Paraplegic
Quadraplegic
Mute
Blind
Helpless at times
Unable to do anything
In my own strength.
And He wants me on
His team.
Part of me weeps at my own
Predicament
Part of me laughs at His
Crazy love for
The "Me"ss He chose.
He makes
Absolutely
No sense
To me
And I love
Him
Anyways.
What's even more
Astounding
Is that
He
Loves
Me.

New Year's Resolution: Bah, humbug!

I don't make NYRs. They're stupid.
I MIGHT be opinionated.
Anyways, I just think they're a ridiculous bar to set. You make the resolution to improve your current situation, you mess it up, and then you feel worse than you did before--because you've not only done what you said you wouldn't do, you've broken a promise to add to the mess.
So, no NYRs for me.
But this year...
This year, I am setting goals.
Goal #1 (most important): Be thankful, regardless of what comes my way. However I have to "spin" it (and I realize, it's actually not "spinning;" rather, it's looking to God to be thankful that at least HE knows what He's doing, and being, at the very least, thankful for that).
Goal #2: Use coupons. I'm great at using them in the office; not so much, at home.
Goal #3: Physical activity 5 days/week. That's 3 days in the gym, and 2 days of SOMETHING that's 20 minutes.
Goal #4: PAY OFF THE CREDIT CARDS THIS YEAR, and be DONE with it, no matter what. This means NO BUYING.

Today, Goal #1 was easy. David and I had a fun day together, church was awesome, and we were bright-eyed and ready for whatever. Days like today, it's easy to be thankful.
Goal #2: Left coupon book at home. Fail.
Goal #3: We went roller skating for 2 hours. Win!
Goal #4: NOT FUN ANYMORE. The first week, I did really good-I ignored all of the after-Christmas sales. Today, though, a REALLY good sale ad came through AND I PASSED UP THE MOST GORGEOUS FULL-LENGTH RED WOOL COAT I HAVE EVER SEEN at the Goodwill on Baptist Church Road for $30!!! AARRGGHHHH!!! I REALLY WANTED IT!!! I asked David; he said no. I attempted negotiations; he declined. I said I'd clear out 3 of my older coats to make room; it didn't work. I put it down, and walked out of the store very meekly. (SOMEONE, PLEASE GO BUY THAT COAT! YOU WILL LOVE IT, AND I WILL BE HAPPY THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE I KNOW GOT A GOOD DEAL! It's a size 14-16-ish, and it only had one tiny flaw--get the coat!). So, yes, I submitted to my hubby.
No, it wasn't fun.
And this is why I don't make New Year's Resolutions.
(Yes, I am thankful I didn't buy that coat. Because now I have posted it on my blog, and hopefully, one of you will see it, and will go get it for yourself. You're supposed to see this. Go get the coat. I am thankful that you read this).
I'm going to bed now :)

Retraction!

Me and my big mouth. Me and my pouty, whiny, self-indulgent, big mouth...Sometimes I think someone should stand behind me, and when I'm about to hit "publish post" should grab my keyboard and hit me in the face with it.
I said something yesterday that I totally regret. In a moment of "Job's-Wife-itis," I said that God had "pretty much ruined my life. He gives, and He takes away. And He has."
That was ridiculous.
Did He give me Hannah? Yes.
Did He take her away? Yes.
Did He take away my chances to have another child? By all medical definitions, Yes.
Does this heart condition totally piss me off? Absolutely, Yes.
Did God lose? I mean, why WOULDN'T He want to see good things come to pass? Doesn't the Bible say that He has plans to "prosper" us? So, is that not true? Did He lose, or does He just not like me?
I can't justify the answers to any of those questions. The challenge to my faith has been astronomical. None of this makes ANY sense, none of it. The so-called "happy ending" didn't happen--she didn't get healed, I haven't been healed (though it could happen). This story isn't making Him look very good so far (if you look at it through the eyes of the average bear).
This is what I DO know:
God has NOT ruined my life. He has drastically changed every possible aspect of it that I could have EVER imagined. He has annihilated any plan I have ever made for myself, and left me wondering what in the world am I here for? I'm confused, and angry, and have no idea what's next. I don't think God does things like this to place people where He wants them--He's not manipulative or mean. I don't think this is "what it took" to get me in a position to hear Him--after all, not that I'm anywhere near Job, but he didn't HAVE to be put in the position of loss to love God. He loved God before, during, and after his losses. God didn't ruin Job's life...but he sure did make him question Him.
God loves me. I've had a hard time feeling that, these last 4 years, but I know it's true. Job probably didn't feel very loved, either...neither did David, when he was hiding in a cave, or Jeremiah, or 100 other biblical prophets. I'm not putting myself on their level, but I am using them as examples that God's love doesn't always feel warm and fuzzy.
What I said yesterday about trying to find a place of thankfulness, in the midst of this, is true. I'm starting to think that before anyone can get through a challenge in life, they first have to come to a place where they're grateful for having to face it.
I may be here a while.
I am sorry, for that glib statement that I made yesterday. God has most definitely NOT ruined my life. He has loved me...He has surrounded me with people who constantly tell me that, and it will eventually get through. He has surrounded me with people who have wiped endless tears, who have never once accused me of being a hypocrite, and who have prayed for me beyond what I could ever know. Were it not for this God, for this Savior, where would I be? I would be lost.
I may be confused...angry...struggling...but one thing I will never be is Lost.
He has found me, even during the times where I didn't want to be found...and He always will. That is one thing that through it all, I can find joy in. Maybe not happiness (emotional), but always, joy.
Hannah's loss is one that I will always feel, but I truly feel the greatest breakthrough in grief came earlier this year. My struggle now, is in handling being told "no" to something I've always dreamed of--to a genuine heart's desire. I've always believed God doesn't give you a heart's desire, without fulfilling it. Should it be fulfilled, it's not looking like it's going to happen when/how I wanted it, and I have to not only accept, but be thankful for, that news. It's not bringing out the best in me.
He loves me.
He has a plan.
I am hanging on by the skin of my teeth.
And it's okay.

Is this whining? Isn't it all?

"Those who do not learn from the past, are condemned to repeat it" or something like that, or at least, that's what my history teacher would tell us. A lot of times, I feel like this journey into adulthood/wanna-be parenthood is nothing but a mindless trek in a circle-shaped desert (cue the Israelite reference). Most of what I have to say, I've already said, but until I can see some ridiculously huge changes, it's just where I am.
I'm so frustrated.
When I first began my life as an undercover blogger, I was pregnant. The original blog, held on MySpace, eventually hit 10000 hits and then I took it down. I re-started it on Facebook, and then, eventually, came to BlogSpot. To go back, and read the blogs from beginning through today, is a ride on a rollercoaster of crap, really--that's the only word I have for it. Sure, that's depressing, but what else am I going to say? What, life is fantastic? I'm achieving my heart's desire? I feel so totally blessed? I may be a decent writer, but if I can sell you that, I need to find a career selling swamp land in Florida. No, life is NOT fantastic--I'm NOT getting what I want--I'm NOT seeing ANYTHING come into fruition, and no, I don't feel particularly "blessed."
I know, I know (cue my mother's voice) I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm employed, my husband is employed, I don't have a car payment, and my dog is happy to see me. This life, though--this isn't what I bargained for, and I can't quite see the forest through the trees.
I'm disappointed, and I can't shake it.
I feel like Debbie Downer, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm not happy-go-lucky Cassidy, that I'm not giggly or quirky or energetic, or any of the personality traits I so freely exhibited pre-11/06 (okay, sometimes I am, but it used to be all the time). I'm sorry that I've become cynical, that I've become angry, and that in my disappointment, I've become ungrateful.
My New Year's resolution is to somehow, someway, find a way to become thankful for where I am right now. I don't know if that's even possible, but I have to find a way. If I can't become truly grateful for where God has me, I will never get over being so damn mad at Him for ruining my life.
Yeah, I just said that. Sue me (cue lightning strike).
He gives, and He takes away. And He has.
There will come a point in my life where I look back at where I am right now, and I read these words, and say to myself, "Wow, Cassidy--you were so bitter, so angry. Yet God loved you even then...look at how He worked everything out for the good you have right now!" I know that time will come.
It is not right now.
I have faith.
That doesn't mean that I have to be happy here, in this place, at this time. I'm not.
God woos us--His Holy Spirit draws us in, holds us close--He wraps His arms around us, even when we're covered in thorns. I am prickly right now--I don't want anyone to know how much I am really in a pit right now, and I sure as heck don't want anyone to tell me how great God is. We sang a song on Sunday that talked about how God is faithful, and someone came up to me and very kindly said, "I saw you singing that--I know that was very hard." That was so loving, for her to say that to me--she gets it. She knows that I can sit here and tell you, "God is faithful. God loves you. He loves me," and I can choke on it. I can choke on it, not because I don't believe it's true--I know it is--but because I don't feel it right now. He feels as far away as Neptune, and I don't understand why I've had to go through these last four years of hell.
I am not thankful for this. I am not thankful that my daughter died, that I can't have any more children, that it would take some unspeakable miracle for things to be "fine." I'm not. Don't give me crap about this building character, because that's a cliche people say when they're too proud to admit that they don't know what kind of encouragement to offer. The friends who have been the most awesome through this have either gone through it themselves, or have been through a deep enough loss that they understand the stupidity of triteness.
So, that's my goal for this year. Find a way to be thankful in the midst of the four-year-long desert that's been my life. Find a way to be grateful, to a God that I'm in love with, but am very distraught with (distraught = angry, confused, lost, disoriented, frustrated--you get the point).
As far as children go, things are up in the air. In September, I was on a high--a combination of an awesome womens' retreat, with the approval of my OB to try to get pregnant. October/November marked the 4th anniversary of Hannah's birth/death, and December threw a curveball at us when my cardiologist told me I wouldn't survive a pregnancy due to my heart condition. Yesterday, a second/third opinion confirmed it. I told God on the way home today that I would really like something happy to happen--I need something uplifting, so I'm holding out for that. I'm in a rut, and I don't like it.
Find something to be thankful for, and praise God for it. That's my goal. Every day, something new, that isn't trite (i.e., "thank you for my T-shirt...clouds...snow..." etc.). In finding the things I can be thankful for, and am thankful for, perhaps this haze of "crapitude" will dissipate and I can get back to being who I know I am (instead of Sad Cassidy. I don't like her much, but she won't shut up). I need to come to terms with where I am, and find a way to be thankful, or else when the time comes to get out of this place, I'll be in such a self-focused fog that I won't see the exit signs. I've got to get my focus back. The disappointments of men can't possibly be as crushing when they're seen through the eyes of a thankful heart, right? It's got to get better....it has to.
It will. One foot in front of the other...because if I stop, I'm on quicksand.