Retraction!

Me and my big mouth. Me and my pouty, whiny, self-indulgent, big mouth...Sometimes I think someone should stand behind me, and when I'm about to hit "publish post" should grab my keyboard and hit me in the face with it.
I said something yesterday that I totally regret. In a moment of "Job's-Wife-itis," I said that God had "pretty much ruined my life. He gives, and He takes away. And He has."
That was ridiculous.
Did He give me Hannah? Yes.
Did He take her away? Yes.
Did He take away my chances to have another child? By all medical definitions, Yes.
Does this heart condition totally piss me off? Absolutely, Yes.
Did God lose? I mean, why WOULDN'T He want to see good things come to pass? Doesn't the Bible say that He has plans to "prosper" us? So, is that not true? Did He lose, or does He just not like me?
I can't justify the answers to any of those questions. The challenge to my faith has been astronomical. None of this makes ANY sense, none of it. The so-called "happy ending" didn't happen--she didn't get healed, I haven't been healed (though it could happen). This story isn't making Him look very good so far (if you look at it through the eyes of the average bear).
This is what I DO know:
God has NOT ruined my life. He has drastically changed every possible aspect of it that I could have EVER imagined. He has annihilated any plan I have ever made for myself, and left me wondering what in the world am I here for? I'm confused, and angry, and have no idea what's next. I don't think God does things like this to place people where He wants them--He's not manipulative or mean. I don't think this is "what it took" to get me in a position to hear Him--after all, not that I'm anywhere near Job, but he didn't HAVE to be put in the position of loss to love God. He loved God before, during, and after his losses. God didn't ruin Job's life...but he sure did make him question Him.
God loves me. I've had a hard time feeling that, these last 4 years, but I know it's true. Job probably didn't feel very loved, either...neither did David, when he was hiding in a cave, or Jeremiah, or 100 other biblical prophets. I'm not putting myself on their level, but I am using them as examples that God's love doesn't always feel warm and fuzzy.
What I said yesterday about trying to find a place of thankfulness, in the midst of this, is true. I'm starting to think that before anyone can get through a challenge in life, they first have to come to a place where they're grateful for having to face it.
I may be here a while.
I am sorry, for that glib statement that I made yesterday. God has most definitely NOT ruined my life. He has loved me...He has surrounded me with people who constantly tell me that, and it will eventually get through. He has surrounded me with people who have wiped endless tears, who have never once accused me of being a hypocrite, and who have prayed for me beyond what I could ever know. Were it not for this God, for this Savior, where would I be? I would be lost.
I may be confused...angry...struggling...but one thing I will never be is Lost.
He has found me, even during the times where I didn't want to be found...and He always will. That is one thing that through it all, I can find joy in. Maybe not happiness (emotional), but always, joy.
Hannah's loss is one that I will always feel, but I truly feel the greatest breakthrough in grief came earlier this year. My struggle now, is in handling being told "no" to something I've always dreamed of--to a genuine heart's desire. I've always believed God doesn't give you a heart's desire, without fulfilling it. Should it be fulfilled, it's not looking like it's going to happen when/how I wanted it, and I have to not only accept, but be thankful for, that news. It's not bringing out the best in me.
He loves me.
He has a plan.
I am hanging on by the skin of my teeth.
And it's okay.