Cardiology update....

...Big sigh, as 10,000 pounds of pressure falls off the shoulders...The cardiology visit is over, and I won't be returning for 6 months. Can I get a "Hallelujah," people?!?!?
I turn 32 next month, and when I told my mother that I had this appointment today, her first words were "Do you want me to go with you? I can come with you!!!" So, off I went today, with my ma in tow. The funniest part is that my mom is younger than most of the people in the lobby, and we're not even there for her. We're there for me. Truthfully, I think she wanted to go so she could hear his verdict for herself, although I don't think she'd admit that. And since we're being honest, going to the cardiologist makes me a nervous wreck, so I was totally THANKFUL that she came with me. By the time I got there, when he checked my blood pressure, it was like, 149/98, which is TERRIBLE for me, so I can't imagine how high it would have been had I been driving!!!!
Although he pretty much pooh-pooh'd the nutritional supplements I've been taking per Dr. Shea's recommendations, Dr. Mazei lauded the weight loss and changes in my blood work that have happened over the past 3 months. 34 pounds gone, and my total cholesterol has dropped over 40 points, putting me at a comfortable 183. My triglycerides have dropped by like, 100 points, and all lab markers for insulin resistance (the precursor for diabetes) have normalized, so I'm looking good from the inside out, literally! :)
Here's the funniest thing he said: I'm under doctor's orders to drink. Ha! No, seriously....my HDL (the good cholesterol) is freakishly low (I must get it from my father), and he said one of the only ways he knows of how to raise HDL, is by having one glass of red wine every night. What he doesn't know, is that I don't drink. Never have been much for it, except the occasional wine cooler (Lindi, haha) or samplings at the wineries once a year. In fact, the glass-and-a-half I had on Saturday about knocked me over. So I'm hoping that grape juice will have the same effect on the HDL? 'Cause really...I'm not a drinker. I'm afraid of the stuff...because I know I like it, and because I've seen what can happen when people I'm related to like it a lot. I just thought it was funny that my doc was telling me to imbibe.
I'm also under orders to work out 6 days a week. Yikes!!! I think I can do it...it's just hard to get out there and hustle it when the weather sucks, and our house is kinda small to work out in here. Think I actually am going to join the YMCA, after a careful review of the budget next month. We'll have to cut a few things, but I'm thinking it's going to be worth it.
As far as my cardiomyopathy goes, my doc is willing to put it in writing, that my heart has normalized. He's reduced my only remaining medication by 1/2, and may reduce it even more; however, he thinks I'll be on that one little pill for the rest of my life, to support continued heart strength, and to keep my blood pressure low enough. High blood pressure actually makes your heart a time bomb, damaging the muscle itself, and causing damage to the arteries and veins of the body. If left unchecked, BOOM--heart attack or stroke. That doesn't sound like much fun to me, so I guess I'll keep taking the darn pill.
So, all in all, everything is good. He didn't order anymore tests, no monitors, no echos, no nothing, and my physical exam shows that outside of my normal mitralvalve prolapse (a valve in the heart doesn't shut all of the way, so there's a gurgle sound and kind of a reflux of blood into one of the chambers of the heart--it's super-common, and I've had both that, and a very tiny arrythmia my whole life), my heart is completely normal with no worries.
The visit went well, and I'm thankful that it's totally over!!!! I won't have to go back for another 6 months, thank God!!!
While I have your attention...please remember that the statistics for women and heart issues are staggering. It's the #1 killer of women in the US, and we don't think about it while we're young. I was 28 years old--say that to yourself: 28 years old. What were you doing at 28? What would you like to be doing at 28? I certainly didn't think I'd be fighting for my life. And 3 years later, at 31 (almost 32), I still stop and occasionally freak out at how close it came for me. I don't know if my pregnancy caused my heart issues, or if they were there to begin with, and the pregnancy brought them to light. What I do know, is that I want to let as many people know about heart health as I can. Start now---not after the damage is done.
And that's my soapbox.
I'm thankful for some time spent with my momma this morning...and even more thankful for continued good reports from my cardiologist! Thank you to you all, for your love, prayers, and support...This is a rough week for David and I, and it's your kindness and encouragement that is keeping me out from under the covers and putting one foot in front of the other! The best birthday gift that I can give my Hannah-girl, is the effort to take better care of myself, and honor her memory in that way...
Love, thanks, prayers, and health to your hearts!!!

Wandering around...

It's raining outside, and it's perfect. The leaves are flying off of the trees, leaving them naked and defenseless; the wind is stripping them of their fancy dresses faster than Cinderella's evil stepsisters when they found out she'd made her ballgown out of their recycled castaways...The sun, so jealous of the fiery finery they wore, has hidden, until the rain and the storm have done their dirty work...when they're finished, the sun will shine upon their bareness, and laugh, because she is once again the most beautiful thing we'll see all winter long...
Cold, wet, rainy, achy fall days are so melancholy...and it's perfect.
I am sad.
I have a hard time admitting it, even if everyone around me knows it's true. I place unrealistic expectations on myself, telling myself that I will be judged if I admit that I'm hurting, even by those who love me and who know better. I bark at my husband, at my family, even at my coworkers, and I blame everything else, because I don't want to be perceived as being so unspiritual that my heart still mourns for that precious baby girl I had to say goodbye to..
Is it unspiritual?
Am I a bad Christian, because I can't celebrate the hope that I have, in knowing that I will have her for eternity, at least, not right now? Am I a bad Christian, because my heart is breaking on the inside? I love Jesus with all of my heart, but is my faith not enough right now? Is it a sin, to tell God that even now, I still think He was wrong to have taken her away from her mommy? I know He has His ways, that He knows what He is doing...but that's my child, and I miss her.
I still regret that the first words out of my mouth, after she died...I took it out on Him, and sometimes, I still do.
I know He can handle it...I know He can handle the hurt, and the grief, the sadness and longing...His shoulders are wide enough to carry the weight of the world, so they're certainly wide enough to carry my pain.
Yes, I have hope.
Yes, I have grace to get me through.
Yes, Jesus loves me.
I should be planning a 3rd birthday party for a pretty little mini-me with Daddy's cheeks and Mommy's toes...
I should be learning about Dora and Nemo and Clifford...
I should be planning family pictures in piles of fall leaves...
I shouldn't be choked by wondering what I should be doing,
Because it's not about what I should be doing...
It's about what I am doing right now.
And what I am doing right now
Is crying.
Wishing.
Hoping.
Praying
Wondering.
Yelling.
Trying to not hide in my bed for the next 6 days and drown my sorrows in heavy doses of xanax and ice cream.
Trying to focus on good things,
Even when I can't see anything right now because everything is too blurry from tears...
I know this is temporary,
And I WILL NOT STAY in this place, because I have a responsibility to continue hoping in the promises of God--I'm not staying here.
But sometimes, grief hits like a tsunami, and right now, in this place, I am drowning....
My life raft is coming
And it will all be okay....

Simple...

Make it simple...
Give me the words,
Put the voice in my throat
And show me how to say
Every little word
You want to hear...
I'll wear what you want
Just to hear you say
You like
Something
I've Done...
Make it simple...
Put my hands in position;
I'll be your mannequin
Striking the pose
That will make you
Come-hither
Again...
Just to hear you say
You think
I'm pretty...
Make it simple...
Straighten my hair;
Smooth out the curls
So it lies flat enough
To draw your attention
Make it whatever color
Whatever direction
Anything
Just to hear you say
You think
I'm beautiful...
The shiny has worn off
And now I am here
And I can't remember
What I really look like
Underneath it all...
When I stand here alone
What do I see in that mirror?
Who is that person?
Did I even know her in the first place?
And if I did,
Why did I let her
Become
So
Unrecognizable
Behind
The Complications
of
Being
Simple?
Even
Ordinary
Isn't
Always
Good
Enough.

So,
Here I go
And I will
Make it
Simple
On
My
Own....

Some thoughts about the SHARE Walk...

The SHARE Walk for Remembrance and Hope is on Saturday, and I'm truly looking forward to it...Emotions run high at these events. For some parents, it's their first year since their babies passed away; for others, the grief has hung over them like a heavy blanket, leaving them unable to keep walking. There are a lot of tears; but I don't want you to think that it's a bunch of parents sitting there crying over what could have been. We miss our babies, period, and this is one of the few times we can get together with a sense of understanding everyone around us...this is a safe place for us to cry, without anyone telling us that we "need to move on", or that we should "get over it" (and yes, I've heard it all). If we cry, so what? Our hearts are sad, at that moment, and it's okay.
However, our little group has something different: We have hope, and a lot of parents who have lost children, have lost hope. We have the love of Jesus, and the knowledge that our Hannah is with Him. I believe in Heaven, and I know that when I get there, I've got a baby girl to spend some make-up time with. That, to me, warrants a kind of celebration, and that's what the SHARE Walk is for me. It's a celebration of the life that I have, of the life that I held, and of the life in eternity that we all have waiting for us. I may cry, because I'm human, I'm a mommy, and I miss my baby girl...but I will also celebrate. That blanket of grief, for me, is gone, and that season of my life has passed. It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt; it means that my walk has continued, and the seasons have changed to times of life, times of hope, and the time where laughter has come again, come what may.
I know that might sound cheesy...but Saturday, to me, is the chance to honor my little girl, to celebrate those of you who have touched her life, and our lives, and to remind all of us that we'll see her again...and that when we do see her again, we never have to say goodbye.

Busy week!

I always feel like I have subconscious intro music playing when I say this...but I have a cardiology appointment next week (dun dun duuuuunnnnn!!!!!). I really, truly don't like these appointments, not because I don't like my doctor (I do, he's a rock star!), but because they're incredibly stressful. Tomorrow, I'm going to get labwork done, to check the basics like cholesterol, glucose, etc., and I'm also getting that monster called a C-Reactive Protein checked out. The CRP tells if there's inflammation in the body, and mine's been elevated for quite some time. It's been coming down, slowly but surely, for the last year; I'd like to see it completely normalized. I'm anxious to do these tests, because I think the changes to my numbers is going to be drastic. I'm down 33 pounds now, and darn it, it's got to pay off somewhere!!!!!
This past weekend, I crashed and burned...I had some crap food that I know was bad for me, and now I'm paying for it with an awesome eczema breakout on my face. Fan-freakin-tastic. I'm hoping it doesn't affect my lab results.
These labs...they're pretty important. Here's how it works: If the labs are good, I'm going to the cardiologist next week, and am telling him to take me off of my last medication that I use for my heart. He's already cut the dose in half, and I'd like to be done with it, already. My hope is that soon, if not now, he'lll write me some kind of letter saying that in his professional opinion, my cardiomyopathy has resolved. Then the fun begins:
I'm on COBRA benefits from David's last job. Thanks to Mr. Obama, that rate has been discounted for the last few months...it's going to go up very soon, and when that happens, it will be almost unaffordable. I've been speaking with a woman who specializes in hard-to-insure folks like me, and we're pretty sure I'll be able to get a decent family rate with that company...but I KNOW I can get a good rate if I can get the cardiologist to let me go. I'd also like to be able to have a decent life insurance policy--not huge, but decent. Right now, I'm on year 3 of a 5-year term, and that's no good. It's just not much of a plan in case something happens.
So, the lab work is more than routine for me. It's going to affect quite a few things, whether it's good or bad. I'm nervous, but hopeful....like I said, all of this hard work has to pay off somewhere!
As for the culinary crash-and-burn this weekend...I'd like to blame it on everything but the obvious, but let's be truthful: This time of the year is weighing on me (no pun intended, sheesh). So, I fell of the wagon, which was not good...but I got right back up and on it, so there we go. I'm hoping that got it out of my system (By the way, the tiramisu at Viviano's stinks. Go to Amici's in Kirkwood. If you're going to cheat, you may as well do it right...but you didn't hear that from me!).
I'll let you know what the cardiologist says, and how our SHARE Walk goes on Saturday!!!
Love and Tiramisu!

To make a donation for the SHARE Walk in honor of Hannah, please visit:
http://www.active.com/donate/sharewalk2009/TeamHannahsHope

Getting Ready for the SHARE Walk...

So, this is it...it's that time of the year again! October marks my 3rd opportunity to participate with the SHARE organization, which exists to provide support for parents who have lost a child, due to miscarriage, neonatal, and/or infant loss. It's an amazing organization to be a part of, and though I wish I'd never had a reason to know it existed, I'm so thankful that they're there.

You know, I've met so many other angel moms since Hannah's death. I've formed some interesting friendships, and I've shared angelversaries, birthdays, "rainbow babies " (that's what they call the first child you have after your child died--a child of the promise!). I've seen some women fall apart, and never pick up the pieces; I've seen some women use this heartbreak as a launching pad for ministry (I'd like to be one of those).

I'll never forget my first SHARE Walk. I went with David and my sister, Billie, and participated with my support group, Heaven's Smallest Angels...You feel so alone, when you lose a child; after all, this is the USA, babies don't die here, right? You feel like you're drowning in this huge ocean, and every sympathetic hug you get feels so shallow, because NO ONE knows what you're going through. When I got to my first walk, I was in shock. Here I was, surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and more, who had been affected by infant loss. They knew how I felt, how we felt...the sense of community I saw there blew my mind. I never experienced the same sense of loneliness that I'd had, to that degree, again, because I knew I wasn't alone. It was right before what would have been Hannah's first birthday, and I truly think that was her gift to me: Community.

Last year, I actually took my own team. Team Hannah's Hope had 7 members in it's first year, and we were so excited! I'm posting the pics from that occasion (and yes, my hair really is pink!!!!). We had such a great time. I know it sounds weird, to say that it was a happy occasion, but it really felt like a celebration for Hannah.


My first year, it was so heartbreaking, yet I felt uplifted because of the sense of community. My second year, it felt like a party for my girl! It was so sad, though, to look around and see the grief that had settled on some of the parents. Whether it was their first year or not, the depth of the hurt that weighed on some of them was tangible, and I found myself wanting to walk up to random people and just hug them, to tell them that it will be okay at some point...even though I know that for some of them, it simply will not be, because they will not choose to let it be. Some people like to stay in their grief, which to me, is the worst way to live. I want to honor Hannah with joy, and I want to share it with others.

So, here we are. Saturday, October 24th, is my 3rd SHARE Walk. This organization is one of the first ones to make it permissable to talk about losing a baby. Our grandparents went through things like this, and were never allowed to discuss them, or share their grief. Look at us now, how society and women are allowed to grieve and grow!!! I am proud, to be a part of an organization that gives us a voice, and that allows us to celebrate our babies...an organization that doesn't make us shut our mouths and hide our pain. In speaking about our loss, in sharing our grief, we are enabled to come to a place where we can achieve and share our JOY! On Saturday, I am celebrating the wonderful opportunity I had, to carry, birth, and meet my beautiful baby girl. On Saturday, I celebrate my Hannah Elizabeth Gayle Cooley...and truly, I celebrate her every day. I am thankful that God entrusted her to spend her short life with David and I, and though I miss her with all of my heart, I am so glad that it was my arms that she knew first and last....

She would be three years old on October 30th. I have a niece that was born 2 days before Hannah died, and I can't help but look at her and wonder...




To make a donation for the SHARE Walk in honor of Hannah, please visit:
http://www.active.com/donate/sharewalk2009/TeamHannahsHope

Cassidy's Commentary: Starting Something New!

Hi! Welcome to my blog! When I was a kid, I used to dream that someday, I'd be able to publish my own newspaper, or at the very least, be a journalist. Well, I'm not either of those things; in fact, I'm an office manager. But thanks to modern technology and the wonders of blogging, I can still have the chance to get my opinion on life, love, and lunatics out into the world via cyberspace!


I knew that if I ever had my newspaper, I'd call it "Cassidy's Commentary." Not only am I highly opinionated; I'm a sucker for alliteration. So, here we are! I met with some new friends this afternoon, and discussed my previous blogging on Facebook and on MySpace. I'm hoping that some of my followers on both sites will follow me here, in this more publicly-available forum. So, if you already know me, great! If not, let me tell you a little bit about my story....
I'm 31 years old, and married to my husband, David. We were married in 2005, in the funniest, craziest wedding EVER. Our theme verse for our wedding was truly prophetic about the unpredictable life that we lead:
"However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him"--I Cor. 2:9
Honestly, who picks that for a wedding verse? It's a roller coaster, I tell you! God is a funny God, and He has certainly blessed our lives in many unexpected ways!

After discussing children, we decided in the fall of 2005 to get a dog, Holly. We figured she'd be a great start to practicing for a family. Little did we know that Holly the Boxer was a great first "child." You'll hear about her a lot on this blog, as she's kind of the light of my life. We got Holly in November of 2005, and much to our surprise, discovered we were pregnant in March of 2006. Guess we didn't get much time to "practice" parenting before the real thing came along!


Throughout my pregnancy, things were a little chaotic. After I told my employer I was pregnant, they suddenly let me go,leaving us on my husband's income. In the summer, my blood pressure began to go up, so medications were prescribed to reduce my blood pressure. I finally found a wonderful job, but had to wait to begin my position until August, so I spent the summer of 2005 enjoying my pregnancy, and trying to take it easy. 2 days before I began my new position, my husband lost his job after almost 10 years with the company. I was hysterical; I figured that God was ignoring us. Through it all, we were surrounded by a wonderful church family that loved and supported us, and kept us encouraged. I began my new job with a chiropractor in Webster Groves, and quickly realized that I loved my new boss and new responsibilities.


With the baby due in December, and with David looking for a job in earnest, things seemed tight, but good. In October, my regular visits to the OB/GYN began to get complicated, as my blood pressure began to rise. Finally, after an ear-splitting migraine with double-vision, my doctor decided to admit me to the hospital at 32 weeks. We held off for a bit, but Miss Hannah Elizabeth Gayle Cooley made her beautiful debut on October 30, 2006! We were so happy!!!
Two days after I delivered, though, something went terribly wrong with my heart. I developed a fairly rare condition called "peripartum cardiomyopathy," with congestive heart failure and pulmonary hypertension. My heart had swollen to 3x it's regular size, and my lungs were completely full of fluid. The doctors had no idea why or how it happened; all I know, is that I couldn't breathe, and that life hasn't been the same ever since. My left ventricle was functioning at less than 10%; most women that have had the cardiomyopathy to that extent, either die, or need a heart transplant. God was truly watching over me! After a week of a lot of medications, consults, fear, and freak-outs, the doctors let me go home. Hannah, as a preemie, got to come home a week after me, on November 12th, 2006. Truly, it was the happiest day of my life: We brought Hannah home, and for a week and a half, our lives were bliss. Thanksgiving was spent with my family, and Hannah got to meet so many wonderful people! The day after Thanksgiving, though, things took a tragic turn. After waking up at 6:00 a.m., Hannah made a cry unlike any other I'd ever heard. I picked her up to feed her, but she refused to eat. David tried to feed her, but she still refused her bottle. I called the pediatrician, and followed her advice; Hannah stopped breathing, and the ambulance was called. She went to the local hospital, and was life-flighted to Cardinal Glennon Children's Hospital; by 1:00 that afternoon, my daughter was in a coma. It took 24 hours for the cultures to come back; Hannah had somehow caught Late-Onset Group B Strep, which caused Bacterial Meningitis to set in. Our beautiful baby girl went home to Jesus on November 28, 2006, at 29 days of age.... My world ended. Counseling...anti-depressants...weight gain...medications...blaming...worrying...being told we'd never have children again...wondering where God was, losing our spiritual place...The first year after Hannah died was the hardest year of my life. I'd drive to work, cry...drive home, cry...David eventually found a job, which was nice, but the tears just never seemed to stop, and no one really knew what to do with me. I read every book on the loss of a child that I could find (incidentally, Nancy Guthrie's were the best I found--they seemed to touch the part of my heart that had completely shut down). I looked up organizations (www.nationalshare.org), blogged my guts out, and tried to function. Slowly but surely, with the help of God, my family, and my church, I began to return to myself again. My boss (who's eligible for sainthood) actually sent me to Landmark Forum, and it was at that point that I truly felt like I could be normal again...and began to try to act like it. Meanwhile, my heart function made it to 35-40%, and we were hoping to be told in November, 2007, that we'd be allowed to have children again. The perinatologist laughed at me, and said we may as well start looking into adoption. This did not, ahem, sit well with me. I began to determine in my heart that God had given me a heart's desire to be a mom, and darn it, I was going to see it actualized. My heart would heal, inside and out. Period. February, 2008 saw some more random craziness that God had in store for us.

David received a job offer in Lexington, KY, so we picked up and moved halfway across the country, LOL. I figured that as a couple, we'd already been through the worst thing we could go through; how bad could moving away from everything I know and love, be? Hahahahahaha. It sucked. I met a few great people in KY, but overall, I didn't like being away from my family, church, and super-rad boss here in St. Louis. The one great thing that happened in Kentucky, was that I met Dr. Barton at Central Baptist Hospital....oh, and my heart finally reached a normal, 55-60% left ventricle ejection fraction, which is MIRACULOUS!!!!! Based on Dr. Barton's historical research, David and I were given the green-light to try for another pregnancy. Before you ask, no, not yet. I wanted to lose the weight I had put on, and I definitely wanted to be healthier before we tried again. When David lost his job in February, '09, it put the baby plans on hold a bit longer. We are holding out for God's timing, and we know it will happen!

Since returning home to St. Louis, a few awesome things have happened: First of all, my heart function has maintained it's awesomeness. Secondly, thanks to my boss' help, I have begun to lose a significant amount of weight. I actually went back to work for the chiropractor in Webster Groves, where I was in 2006! The combination of acupuncture, chiropractic care, working out, and the Take Shape For Life program have helped me lose 33 pounds at this point, and there's more to come. Also, I have hooked up with the St. Louis chapter of the American Heart Association, and am now speaking to groups of women to raise awareness of heart health in our area. After all--I was only 28 when my heart gave out. Who thinks about heart disease when they're 28? Even if they have a significant family medical history?

Life is good. Through heartbreak (literal and emotional) and happiness, several things remain unchanged: God is good, even when we don't understand His ways....my husband is an amazing rock of a man, regardless of his employment status....my church family, no matter where I am, is a testimony to the love and care of our Father for His children...and finally, no matter what, my dog loves me deep. We're a happy family. We're missing a piece...but we're still happy. And most importantly, we have peace about whatever craziness God has for our future. So, that's my story....and this is my blog. Hopefully, I'll share a bit more as life happens, and you'll comment back to me! Thanks for reading, and God Bless You!!!!