Wandering around...

It's raining outside, and it's perfect. The leaves are flying off of the trees, leaving them naked and defenseless; the wind is stripping them of their fancy dresses faster than Cinderella's evil stepsisters when they found out she'd made her ballgown out of their recycled castaways...The sun, so jealous of the fiery finery they wore, has hidden, until the rain and the storm have done their dirty work...when they're finished, the sun will shine upon their bareness, and laugh, because she is once again the most beautiful thing we'll see all winter long...
Cold, wet, rainy, achy fall days are so melancholy...and it's perfect.
I am sad.
I have a hard time admitting it, even if everyone around me knows it's true. I place unrealistic expectations on myself, telling myself that I will be judged if I admit that I'm hurting, even by those who love me and who know better. I bark at my husband, at my family, even at my coworkers, and I blame everything else, because I don't want to be perceived as being so unspiritual that my heart still mourns for that precious baby girl I had to say goodbye to..
Is it unspiritual?
Am I a bad Christian, because I can't celebrate the hope that I have, in knowing that I will have her for eternity, at least, not right now? Am I a bad Christian, because my heart is breaking on the inside? I love Jesus with all of my heart, but is my faith not enough right now? Is it a sin, to tell God that even now, I still think He was wrong to have taken her away from her mommy? I know He has His ways, that He knows what He is doing...but that's my child, and I miss her.
I still regret that the first words out of my mouth, after she died...I took it out on Him, and sometimes, I still do.
I know He can handle it...I know He can handle the hurt, and the grief, the sadness and longing...His shoulders are wide enough to carry the weight of the world, so they're certainly wide enough to carry my pain.
Yes, I have hope.
Yes, I have grace to get me through.
Yes, Jesus loves me.
I should be planning a 3rd birthday party for a pretty little mini-me with Daddy's cheeks and Mommy's toes...
I should be learning about Dora and Nemo and Clifford...
I should be planning family pictures in piles of fall leaves...
I shouldn't be choked by wondering what I should be doing,
Because it's not about what I should be doing...
It's about what I am doing right now.
And what I am doing right now
Is crying.
Wishing.
Hoping.
Praying
Wondering.
Yelling.
Trying to not hide in my bed for the next 6 days and drown my sorrows in heavy doses of xanax and ice cream.
Trying to focus on good things,
Even when I can't see anything right now because everything is too blurry from tears...
I know this is temporary,
And I WILL NOT STAY in this place, because I have a responsibility to continue hoping in the promises of God--I'm not staying here.
But sometimes, grief hits like a tsunami, and right now, in this place, I am drowning....
My life raft is coming
And it will all be okay....