Oh, those days where I know that I KNOW I'm running off at the mouth....I feel like those days should come with an automatic plunger for my face.
I totally feel sorry for this kid--you know that had to leave a mark!
That being said, last week, I got really sick...I made it through worship, but by the time it was done, I made it back home and went straight to bed UNTIL TUESDAY. I couldn't exactly pinpoint what was wrong; I've been feeling really run-down, my throat has hurt, and I was having such a heaviness in my chest that I kinda figured I had bronchitis, so I finally went to my Nurse Practitioner.
I've been under a lot of stress over the past few months (yeah, I guess cancer can do that). I've gained a lot of weight; my marriage is feeling "unsteady"; and my job has been busier than ever. Everything is weighing very heavily right now, and I feel like my walk with God is definitely suffering.
I've had NO energy, and I'm exhausted. The next friend of mine that puts their vacation pictures of a beach or a cruise ship on Facebook, I swear, I'm gonna barf. :)
All of that being said, it appears that I've simply caught a nasty virus, so they put me on Prednisone (a steroid) to ease the lung strain. Breathing--hey, it's important!
In the midst of that, my labs for February came back, and showed that nope, my thyroid meds STILL AREN'T REGULATED. Are you kidding me?!?!? IT'S BEEN 7 MONTHS!!!!! COME ON, ALREADY!
Every time they mess with these meds, I gain weight, my anxiety levels go through the roof, and I pretty much feel like my brain is going to explode...It's incredibly difficult to function in this constant state of flux, and it wearies me, not to mention what it does to my family. I'm on my second endocrinologist, and I already feel like I want to knock the resident out. It's not him--it's me. It seems endocrinology is a branch of medicine that I hate. :) Unfortunately, it's something I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life...SO CAN WE GET THESE MEDS FIGURED OUT?!?!?
That being said, they've added Synthroid back in the mix (let's hope it's not enough to make my hair fall out again), plus the Armour Thyroid that I'm on...with all of this, I've decided to make the leap to a full does of the Wellbutrin (150mg) instead of the 75mg I was on.
So....steroids, new thyroid meds, and increased Wellbutrin.
I'm AMAZED at how much I can get done with this kind of energy, LOL. Of course, it also means I'm having difficulty sleeping....Once I'm off of the steroids, things should level out. I'll repeat labs toward the end of April (hey, I'm at 8-week intervals instead of 6-week intervals!), and at the end of July, we'll repeat my PET scan, most likely after a round of something called "Thyrogen," that I have yet to Google.
That being said, back to being sick: Emotionally, knowing that I have cancer in the lymph nodes of my neck is bothersome. Even though I know thyroid cancer is very slow-growing, non-aggressive, and non-life-threatening, being sick has made the nodes in my neck very swollen, which freaks me out...even though I know it's fine. After my next round of PET scans, depending on the node size, they're probably going to remove all of the lymph nodes in my neck. I need to take the time to educate myself on the consequences of that, but I haven't done research at this point, because I think it will be mentally burdensome. I feel like this virus-bug-thing is on it's way out; my nebulizer is a HUGE help, and I'm looking forward to some super-awesome weekend plans with my 3rd-grade bestie. :)
(That's a lot of commas...)
I'm hoping this med change will be the last for a while...I'm hoping I can learn to accept my body in this shape, and stop beating myself up for the weight I've gained (feeling bad just makes me eat more, I swear)...I'm hoping my marriage can catch a break where my health issues stop causing us so much stress, and stop affecting our communication/emotions/life in general....
The brightest spot of all has been, in a word, Jericho. He's funnier than ever; he's smart, he's bright, and yesterday, he learned his first Bible verse (Gen. 1:1). He's officially potty-trained (only took us 7 months), and he's brave. He announces himself when he walks into a room (sorry, Bread Co.), and he makes my heart explode in the best of ways...My husband is an amazing father to that little boy, and the two of them are bonding heavily over Legos right now (UGH. LEGOS.).
The steroids I've been on have made me chatty and slightly-more unfiltered than normal, so my apologies if this is a TMI post...The truth is, I've been very sad lately...Up until this weekend, I'd say it's been since before Christmas that I can remember feeling "right," and it's been....well, sad. Nothing seems right, and I've felt like my joy got sucked out. All of the meds are now adjusted; I've always felt like when things are off chemically, it affects every facet, from the spiritual to the physical to the spiritual. I'm not really feeling like myself just yet, and probably won't until I'm off of the steroids; once the course is done, I think we may have our med combo figured out.
If this blog feels like it just goes in one big, static-ish circle, you're right--it's a rambly mess.
But that's kind of my life right now.
It's more good than bad, but it's a disorganized basket that's taking much longer than I have the patience for, to sort out...
Thank God He has some sort of a plan...knowing that, having faith in His abilities to make this ball of yarn into some kind of a tapestry, is a driving force for me. My life makes no sense...the things we've been through, as a family? In our marriage? None of it makes sense.
Jesus makes sense.
So, in this mess, I trust Him, and I discipline myself to find the joy in the best AND in the worst (and believe me, we've been through worse). These are not our darkest days, by ANY means...they're just frustrating days, but we're moving forward.
We keep walking, together, knowing that He will work all of this out for good, because we love Him.
