Moving Forward...but stealing glances back

I never thought this day would come.
I never thought the anniversary of Hannah's death would be met with anything but heavy, heavy grief.
But here we are...
Usually, I approach the time from 10/30-11/28 as kind of a "Monster At the End of This Book" paradigm. I dread it, from October 1st, on; when it hits, it's like a kink in a hose that's let go--there's a flood of sadness that can be pretty hard to navigate through.
This year is so different.
There are those (who are clueless) who will sit there and say that having another baby is some kind of miracle balm that is making this so much better. You're wrong, and I will not hesitate to say that very clearly: You. Are. Wrong.
Having another child does not "fix" the hole that is left when you lose your child. There is, simply put, nothing that "fixes" that hole. The only "miracle balm" is the love of Jesus--that's it. He loves you through the darkest days, and He hold your hand to walk you through the healing process. You're never completely healed, and you never forget where you were; however, you are slowly, but surely, equipped to not only move forward, but to glance backwards without falling into the vacuum of grief.  At some point, you stop crying for the pain you went through at the time; instead, you cry for the opportunities you never got to have. That's something that will always hurt, I suppose--not knowing what could have been, mixed with a little bit of wondering what exactly happened, and why?
So, here we are...6 years ago, we said goodbye...
I can walk you through every minute of that day. I can remember the nurses, what I was wearing, how it felt--but I don't want to. Those who were there remember--for some of them, they will never forget. Those memories are not ones that I want to have--they're the ones the enemy attacks me with when I'm at my lowest moments. What he hasn't figured out, though, is that it's those memories that will send me running to my Father faster than anything else. You see, I've learned that there are some things I cannot handle on my own. I have to run to Him, because those things are too big to try and process on my own. He's always faithful to keep me from going under. 
Today, I face the "Monster At the End of This Book." I embrace the memories with a strange kind of warm melancholy--yes, that's an intentional oxymoron--and maybe my heart hurts a little more than usual. But I'm okay...It's okay. I've found this place of peace, over the last year, and I feel like I can finally say that I am free from the heaviness that is always associated with this time. I asked David, and my Mom, if that was okay--I mean, is it disrespectful, to live life, and to move forward, during this time? Of course it is--it doesn't make me a bad mother, and it sure as heck doesn't mean that I've forgotten my beautiful Hannah-girl. But it is time...
It is time to move forward, and every year that goes by takes me to another phase of progress. I will always steal glances backwards...but I am far more inclined to look forward to not only my future here on this earth; I am inclined to look forward with far greater hope to the eternity that I have waiting for me...

Happy Angelversary, Hannah-girl--Happy Homecoming! You are loved, and you are in a place that's surrounded by the One Who Loves Us Most. I have no greater hope or healing than that...

Catching up--Time for the Cooley's Christmas Adventures!

I guess it's been a week now, since the Day From Hell. It was, too--I think I just hit some kind of nuclear low, and couldn't wrap my head around it. Ever have that happen? You get in a funk, and can't get yourself out, even with prayer? I'm always amazed by how, if we ask for it, Jesus sends us help in the funniest ways. On that day, He sent me a friend who reminded me to get my head out of my rear (she was much nicer than that), and I totally appreciated it. Since then, I've been okay-things are good!
Part of my struggles for the last 8 months have had to do with the fact that my husband was working an opposite shift. I'd be in bed by 8 (I get up at 4); he'd be home at 9:30. So, for the past 8 months, I've only seen my husband on the weekends. It's maddening, especially during pregnancy. It's not only the loneliness; it's the fact that there are nights that I'm so tired by the time I get home from work, that it's all I can do to make myself a bagel for dinner! I've missed having an extra set of hands around the house!! :)
That being said, his schedule has recently changed to where we have a little bit of time together in the evenings. I can honestly say that there is nothing so wonderful as simply sitting on the couch, snuggled in with my beloved, and having him to talk to. I know, I'm being mushy. But I've missed him terribly, and it's so nice to have him around!
This is the time of the year where David and I begin to have a seriously over-packed social calendar. If there's a Christmas event in St. Louis, we're probably planning on trying to attend it! This year, we'll be tackling Faith Church's "Believe" performance; Alton, IL's Transiberian Orchestra Tribute Concert (I've seen TSO live, and Alton's TSO, and loved them both!), Christmas on the Hill, a Community Choir concert in Kirkwood, and Lord only knows what else!  Well...that's the plan...We'll see.
Truth be told, getting through the work week is my biggest priority. I need to stay at 40 hours as long as possible, to build up my PTO for my maternity leave. It's pretty tiring--I've already passed up some really cool Christmas adventures (Our Lady of the Snows, in a convertible?!? Argh!) because I just can't handle it. 35 and Pregnant is a LOT different than 28 and pregnant! I'm pretty wore out--not that I'm complaining! Couldn't be happier, really!!!
So, Christmas in St. Louis is something I will be navigating with wisdom. Speaking of, there's wisdom in asking for prayer when you need it. I definitely do! 
We've hit the third trimester, which, according to the perinatologist, is the "critical time." Pretty soon, I'll have additional cardiac testing, and he's watching me and baby like a hawk. I need a combination of peace, patience, and more peace--and I need my body to cooperate! He's adjusting my medications accordingly, and I've begun the weekly visits to his office just a little bit earlier than anticipated. So, your prayers are appreciated.
That being said, all is well...We're scheduled to have "official" maternity pictures fairly soon, which I look forward to sharing with you.
I'm thankful for a great many things this Thanksgiving season; one of the things I am the most thankful for, are the friends and family that I know I can rely on for laughter, friendship, and prayers. Have a blessed, wonderful Thanksgiving, y'all!!

Bringing it full circle...

Someone very wise once told me that if I couldn't write a blog and end it in a way that glorifies God, then maybe I shouldn't put it out there. I've really tried to maintain that position, but it's not always easy.
Sometimes, I just want to wallow in it, darn it. And don't we all? We like our pity parties--we get to be the center of attention, and when no one shows up, it makes our pathetic caterwauling that much more dramatic.  It heaps onto our heads, and our pity party gets that much more, well, piteous. 
I wonder if God ever looks at us in our hysterics and smiles? 'Cause He knows the moment of self-realization is coming...We'll stop for 2 seconds and realize how ridiculous we look. And then we'll turn to Him like we knew we should have, in the first place.
But for those first few minutes, having a total meltdown can be so cathartic...
I'm finding myself struggling in a lot of ways. Things I'm praying for, seem to be a little stuck; I definitely need a breakthrough in a couple of areas. I just realized that I only have 28 working days until I'm out on leave (working at a university has definite benefits around the holiday breaks); I start weekly doctor's appointments very soon; and my most-recent appointment has left me more than a little on edge.  Couple that with making some major financial decisions, trying to get the house in order, having to tell people "no" on various social plans, and feeling like I've been hit with a Mack Truck..."Overwhelmed" is the word of the day. 
My usual response to feeling overwhelmed is to have a complete mental breakdown. Not going to lie:  dirty baseboards made me cry this week. Looking at my calendar for the next 2 months made me cry this week. Laundry made me cry this week--and it's just the two of us!!!!  I'm not proud of my recent inability to keep it together ("Recent?!?!?" some might say. :). I've yelled at my mother (how did I survive that?!?), at my husband (who graciously cleaned the baseboards), and in my head, there's been a non-stop panic attack over every strange abdominal twinge.  I'm not doing very well at handing things off to God, for Him to deal with.
I need some things to shake loose, no doubt. Trying to figure out certain things on my own isn't getting me anywhere; making myself lay back and trust God is not happening easily. I have GOT to STOP worrying about EVERYTHING.
Nothing is bigger than God (deep breath).
God loves me (deep breath).
He doesn't want to see us fall (deep breath).
Everything will be all right (deep breath).
This is not the easiest time of the year for me, and in the middle of the chaos, I haven't really taken the time to stop and think about the where/when/how that I normally ruminate on. My daughter's 6th birthday came and went with little aplomb, but maybe it's time for that. Maybe it's time to enjoy the sweet memories, but to focus on what's to come. We will meet again, after all...It's not a "getting over," by any means. It is simply "getting through." Maybe I am on the other side of it, after all. Doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt sometimes--we have finally passed along the last of her clothing, and with that, I feel like the final scab came off. There are definitely scars there, but I think it was a good thing to do. It felt very right, even though it wasn't easy.
Looking back at all of that, knowing how God has carried us through so much, why do I doubt that He will continue to carry us, now? Why do I struggle with that jump-off-of-a-cliff feeling? I know He'll catch me--yet I have fear.
Nothing is bigger than God (deep breath).
If we fall, He is there (deep breath).
He DOES supply our needs, even if it's not in the way we expected (deep breath).
(Okay, ANOTHER deep breath....)
This is not His first rodeo (deep breath).
There are victories to come, and testimonies to tell, that I cannot comprehend (deep breath).
And Everything
Will Be
All
Right.