Can’t get you out of my head…
Can’t stop thinking about you…
Can’t stop thinking about
10 perfect toes and
Feet that looked
Just
Like
Mine…
You looked like your daddy…
You looked like your auntie…
You looked like an angel,
And far too soon
You became one.
I’m trying to get my day done,
Trying to get through the mundane
Every day
To pay the bills and be
A good wife
But really,
I am
So
Distracted
By thoughts of
Ten
Perfect
Toes…
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Love, Joy, Peace...And The Beat Goes On...
Isn't it funny, that when you go through trials in your life, you go in one of 2 directions:
1. Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faith, Gentleness, and Self-Control
2. Anger, Rage, Tears, more Rage, more Tears, and a few good blogs...
Hmm.
And then there's option 3: All of the above.
I have a certain peace in the knowledge of Heaven.
I have faith that Jesus loves me when I am unlovable.
I would like to think that I'm usually a good person (until you hurt a child around me, and then I will maul you like an angry she-bear).
I would like to think that I'm typically kind (unless you count the times that I mentally play "What Not To Wear" as I'm people-watching at the mall).
I am patiently awaiting the conception/pregnancy/birth of our next child (but God, if You'd just hurry up with it already, I'd be totally happy with that).
Self-control: Oh, we'll tackle that later--did someone mention brownies>
The fruits of the Spirit have always fascinated me. Study them in the Greek, and it's pretty cool. I'm convinced I'll never honestly get there, as I'm a totally corrupt and broken human being.
Weekends like this convince me of that.
It's been a roller-coaster. Yesterday was my 5th Share Walk for Remembrance and Hope. 5 years on this journey...I'm supposed to be (in my own little world, where I get my way) planning a 5th birthday party for Hannah. Her birthday's 10/30. No--it's fine. I don't expect anyone to remember that. It would be incredibly selfish of me to.
The rest of the world kept turning....
Mine is turning, of course...just a little bit slower than some.
Instead of a Finding Nemo party, or a Pretty Princess party, I coordinated a group of people who either suffered their own loss of a child, through miscarriage, neonatal loss, or stillbirth...or who knew someone who had (um, that's me). These people gathered to show support and respect, and hope for the future.
The whole 5th birthday thing has me caught. It's like I've tripped, and can't get my footing again. I'm genuinely snagged, and I feel like sitting here like a child, until I can't cry anymore.
Just when I start to think I'm fine, something will come along to knock me back down again (this time of the year).
I've gone from anger...to sadness...to loneliness...to laughing about God-knows-what...to being so enraged that I had to leave room full of people (before I embarrassed myself with an outburst)...to crying some more...to finally laughing again. And now I'm drained and exhausted, and wondering if this will ever stop hurting.
Survey says: XXX
Nope.
This will hurt until the day I die.
This place will always be tender...the "injustice" of it will always be an Achilles' heel. The fact that drug-addicted crackheads have babies that are thrown away, while I have empty arms, will never stop being a breaking point for me--it will never stop causing me to question God. I will never be satisfied with not knowing "why."
I don't ask the question, most of the time, but it's unspoken. This God, this Being Whom I have placed my heart with--He makes no sense to me. His ways are beyond my ways, and I have to accept that. Do I have to agree? Do I have to like it?
Do I have to hide the fact that my faith continues to be affected by my daughter's death?
Is God so small, that He can't handle knowing that I'm still struggling with being angry with Him, sometimes?
If the God Who created the universe can't handle my temper-tantrums and broken heart, then He's not much of Who He says He is, is He?
I am allowed to be angry (but not to live in anger).
I am allowed to be sad (but not to live in sadness).
I am allowed to scream "JUSTICE!" and know that as long as we are in this earthly home, there isn't any.
I am allowed to ask God what the heck is going on?!?
He might answer me; He might not.
I don't understand Him, but I do not doubt Him.
I question His love for me, but that's only because I see myself as a disgusting mess of a person--I don't love myself all that much, but His Word says He does. I have to take it as truth, whether I'm feeling it or not.
I'm on a roller coaster, but He's on it with me. In fact, He's the only One keeping me on the tracks. On my own, I'd jump.
The fruits of the Spirit show us how well we're grounded, in times of trial. When we're struggling, do we still have faith? Do I still have faith?
Do I still love?
When my heart is broken, do I still show gentleness for others--is my self-control affected?
I'm not sure what my grade would be right now.
I've skipped over "joy."
I heard a sermon recently on joy, and it made me angry enough that it's for another day.
Joy is a state, not an emotion...
Joy is something deep within, and very misunderstood.
Joy is something that you find in the strangest of places...when you notice the humor of facing death, and you laugh at the joke (even though it's totally inappropriate).
Unless you've truly grieved, you cannot know true joy, because you don't understand the total dichotomy.
Joy is the flashlight in the Valley of the Shadow of Death...
The fruits of the Spirit show us who we are, and where we need to go. They're a Bucket List, or a litmus test, for our walk with God. I think that they are different, in different areas of our lives--I have faith in this area, but not here; I have love in this area, but not here. My goal is to find those fruits, grab them, and spread them out, perhaps a little thicker in the tender areas, than in others. My goal is to hold onto them, even when I'm on the Roller Coaster...
There is peace...there is love...
There is faith...there's even gentleness.
I have patience...I could always be kinder
Goodness...self-control is a goal...
And there will always be...
In the midst of the tornado...
Joy.
Because He says so.
1. Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faith, Gentleness, and Self-Control
2. Anger, Rage, Tears, more Rage, more Tears, and a few good blogs...
Hmm.
And then there's option 3: All of the above.
I have a certain peace in the knowledge of Heaven.
I have faith that Jesus loves me when I am unlovable.
I would like to think that I'm usually a good person (until you hurt a child around me, and then I will maul you like an angry she-bear).
I would like to think that I'm typically kind (unless you count the times that I mentally play "What Not To Wear" as I'm people-watching at the mall).
I am patiently awaiting the conception/pregnancy/birth of our next child (but God, if You'd just hurry up with it already, I'd be totally happy with that).
Self-control: Oh, we'll tackle that later--did someone mention brownies>
The fruits of the Spirit have always fascinated me. Study them in the Greek, and it's pretty cool. I'm convinced I'll never honestly get there, as I'm a totally corrupt and broken human being.
Weekends like this convince me of that.
It's been a roller-coaster. Yesterday was my 5th Share Walk for Remembrance and Hope. 5 years on this journey...I'm supposed to be (in my own little world, where I get my way) planning a 5th birthday party for Hannah. Her birthday's 10/30. No--it's fine. I don't expect anyone to remember that. It would be incredibly selfish of me to.
The rest of the world kept turning....
Mine is turning, of course...just a little bit slower than some.
Instead of a Finding Nemo party, or a Pretty Princess party, I coordinated a group of people who either suffered their own loss of a child, through miscarriage, neonatal loss, or stillbirth...or who knew someone who had (um, that's me). These people gathered to show support and respect, and hope for the future.
The whole 5th birthday thing has me caught. It's like I've tripped, and can't get my footing again. I'm genuinely snagged, and I feel like sitting here like a child, until I can't cry anymore.
Just when I start to think I'm fine, something will come along to knock me back down again (this time of the year).
I've gone from anger...to sadness...to loneliness...to laughing about God-knows-what...to being so enraged that I had to leave room full of people (before I embarrassed myself with an outburst)...to crying some more...to finally laughing again. And now I'm drained and exhausted, and wondering if this will ever stop hurting.
Survey says: XXX
Nope.
This will hurt until the day I die.
This place will always be tender...the "injustice" of it will always be an Achilles' heel. The fact that drug-addicted crackheads have babies that are thrown away, while I have empty arms, will never stop being a breaking point for me--it will never stop causing me to question God. I will never be satisfied with not knowing "why."
I don't ask the question, most of the time, but it's unspoken. This God, this Being Whom I have placed my heart with--He makes no sense to me. His ways are beyond my ways, and I have to accept that. Do I have to agree? Do I have to like it?
Do I have to hide the fact that my faith continues to be affected by my daughter's death?
Is God so small, that He can't handle knowing that I'm still struggling with being angry with Him, sometimes?
If the God Who created the universe can't handle my temper-tantrums and broken heart, then He's not much of Who He says He is, is He?
I am allowed to be angry (but not to live in anger).
I am allowed to be sad (but not to live in sadness).
I am allowed to scream "JUSTICE!" and know that as long as we are in this earthly home, there isn't any.
I am allowed to ask God what the heck is going on?!?
He might answer me; He might not.
I don't understand Him, but I do not doubt Him.
I question His love for me, but that's only because I see myself as a disgusting mess of a person--I don't love myself all that much, but His Word says He does. I have to take it as truth, whether I'm feeling it or not.
I'm on a roller coaster, but He's on it with me. In fact, He's the only One keeping me on the tracks. On my own, I'd jump.
The fruits of the Spirit show us how well we're grounded, in times of trial. When we're struggling, do we still have faith? Do I still have faith?
Do I still love?
When my heart is broken, do I still show gentleness for others--is my self-control affected?
I'm not sure what my grade would be right now.
I've skipped over "joy."
I heard a sermon recently on joy, and it made me angry enough that it's for another day.
Joy is a state, not an emotion...
Joy is something deep within, and very misunderstood.
Joy is something that you find in the strangest of places...when you notice the humor of facing death, and you laugh at the joke (even though it's totally inappropriate).
Unless you've truly grieved, you cannot know true joy, because you don't understand the total dichotomy.
Joy is the flashlight in the Valley of the Shadow of Death...
The fruits of the Spirit show us who we are, and where we need to go. They're a Bucket List, or a litmus test, for our walk with God. I think that they are different, in different areas of our lives--I have faith in this area, but not here; I have love in this area, but not here. My goal is to find those fruits, grab them, and spread them out, perhaps a little thicker in the tender areas, than in others. My goal is to hold onto them, even when I'm on the Roller Coaster...
There is peace...there is love...
There is faith...there's even gentleness.
I have patience...I could always be kinder
Goodness...self-control is a goal...
And there will always be...
In the midst of the tornado...
Joy.
Because He says so.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Everything Is Alright...
I will tell you everything is okay..
Everything is perfect,
But He is the Healer of our hearts,
And He knows where we are broken...
Everything is alright
When you look through the eyes of mercy.
Everything is alright
When you fall apart into the arms of grace.
Everything is alright
When the One Who catches you
Has carried the weight of the world...
Who are you, to Him?
I know what this looks like;
Everything is a mess,
But Who can wash away our disasters
Like the One Who created the stars?
Everything is alright
When you're seen thru the eyes of Love...
Everything is alright
When you're hiding in the shadow of His wings...
Everything is alright
When the One Who picks up the pieces
Was broken before there was time...
You are all, to Him
There is nothing like the love of Jesus...
There's no healing like the wholeness in Him.
And even when I find myself
Hiding in the sand of isolation.....
He is there...
And everything is alright...
Everything is perfect,
But He is the Healer of our hearts,
And He knows where we are broken...
Everything is alright
When you look through the eyes of mercy.
Everything is alright
When you fall apart into the arms of grace.
Everything is alright
When the One Who catches you
Has carried the weight of the world...
Who are you, to Him?
I know what this looks like;
Everything is a mess,
But Who can wash away our disasters
Like the One Who created the stars?
Everything is alright
When you're seen thru the eyes of Love...
Everything is alright
When you're hiding in the shadow of His wings...
Everything is alright
When the One Who picks up the pieces
Was broken before there was time...
You are all, to Him
There is nothing like the love of Jesus...
There's no healing like the wholeness in Him.
And even when I find myself
Hiding in the sand of isolation.....
He is there...
And everything is alright...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)