I was thinking about Hannah recently--okay, truthfully, not a day goes by that I DON'T think of her--and what a weird juxtaposition this journey has been. Several times over the past year, it's felt like certain chapters of my life were coming to a close, or about to come to a close, and it's made me a bit reminscent....and totally panicky, because I have no idea what God is going to do with David and I, next. All I know is that it will be fine...in fact, it will be AWESOME...and that this year, 2010, is the year for letting things go. I've felt like this year is the year to sort things out, get rid of things, do some housecleaning, get organized, and get ready. I have no idea what's around the bend, but I know I have a lot to do before 12/31/10, and I'm way behind. I've been trying to get my priorities in order, and it hasn't been easy. I've been made aware of, oh, let's just call them "character flaws" that are indicative of my own selfish nature; of certain "personality traits" that are just not okay; and of particular "habits" that need to be broken/demolished/destroyed/vaporized.
I have a tendency to pull people into my vortex.
You know what a "vortex" is? It's a spinning tornado of crap that rages around a person, who then spreads it to another person, sucking them in and stealing their joy. A great example of a vortex is this: I have a crappy day. David, who is wonderful and smiley, comes home from his crappy day, smiling anyways, because he has joy and is a joyful person. I don't want to hear about his joy; rather, I spew my crappy day onto my smiley husband, which makes him frown, and now, he's in a bad mood because HE IS IN MY VORTEX. (If the word "crap" offends you, I apologize. Think of the alternative. Now, appreciate the substitute.) Because sucking David into my vortex isn't enough for me, I also call Karen, Billie, Mom, and God-only-knows-who-else, and suck them into my vortex as well, thus putting them in a bad mood, and POOF! They've now shared my vortex with their families. It's contagious.
I also realized that my vortex doesn't just involve a bad day; it can involve a sad day, too. The loss of my daughter has been a subject I've been really open about, to a fault. Not everyone needs to hear my story, not everyone needs to know my business, and for a time, I thought they did. Moving to Kentucky was great, because it put me in a new place, where I didn't feel like I had to talk about it all of the time, and I could be "normal," whatever that means. Not everyone knew, or needed to know, and I've carried that back to St. Louis with me. A lot of people know Hannah passed away; most people don't know the whole story, and that's fine. The big issue I've had, is that on the days where I've struggled the most, I've been really open about it, and have unintentionally sucked people into my vortex of grief, which I feel really bad about.
I don't want people to feel sorry for me, and I don't need people to say "Aww, you poor thing," like I'm some kind of permanently broken person. I want to be able to say, "Yes, this makes me sad. Mother's Day makes me sad (although thanks to some key people last year, and some major breakthroughs, I think my panic at that day is done, and that I'll be able to celebrate it next year--praise God!), October 30 makes me sad, etc," but not feel like I'm Debbie Downer.
There are things to look back and celebrate, even through the darkest days of my life. There are things I look back at and laugh over, that just this year, am able to say were actually funny, that happened as Hannah was dying. (I feel like as I type that, that a collective gasp just rang out. Hey, God gave me a sense of humor. Getting it back has been a major ordeal, and now that it's here, putting that perspective on certain things is a good thing. If you want to know what in the world could possibly be funny during a time like that, ask me some time).
I feel like there is some kind of cloak of sadness that settles over me and whomever I'm speaking with, when Hannah comes up, that is almost suffocating, and I'd like the world to know that it's not that way. I don't like the thought that I'm sucking someone into a vortex of grief whenever I bring Hannah up in a conversation...and yes, I have the right to talk about her. She is a permanent part of my life...my pregnancy is a permanent part of my life, her birth is a permanent part of my life, my NICU/PICU experiences are a permanent memory in my life, and yes, we can talk about it as candidly as you want to talk about it--it's okay. And yes, you can talk to me about heartburn, weird kicking in the middle of the night, morning sickness, stretch marks, C-sections, and everything that goes with having a baby, because it happened to me, and I'm cool with it.
But maybe this is all in my head.
Anyways, I say all of that, because I started to write this poem today, and halfway through, it completely shifted and turned into something else. I have no idea why. It came outa visit to Worldview Church, when David and I visited a few weeks ago. For some reason, I felt the Holy Spirit say to me, "You know, there doesn't have to be a 'vortex of October' if you don't want there to be." The arrival of October (and autumn) has felt like such a kick in the gut to me--seeing October 1 on the calendar has sent me into a spiral, in the past, and I was convinced that this year would simply be a repeat of last year (which felt disasterous). God said that to me--that if I wanted, He could mend that panic, and that I could choose to not jump into the vortex of sadness that always accompanied October. So I said okay.
Granted, October's not here yet...but even with it approaching, I feel a different perspective about it this year, than any other year since Hannah passed away. It doesn't hold the same fear, the same "there's a monster at the end of this book" feeling that it's always had. I'm actually looking forward to it, which sounds a little crazy to me. I want to celebrate Hannah by treating October just like I treat January or March...It's a beautiful month, with beautiful weather, and it's all in celebration of the God Who made our seasons...of a God Who decided there is a time to live, and a time to die; a time to mourn, and a time to laugh.
October is my time to laugh...as I type that, I remember that when Hannah was first taken out of my womb, I laughed (fitting, for someone named "Sarah," I suppose--it's my middle name). It's my time to laugh, and in laughing, I close the chapter on the darkest days of grieving of my life. It doesn't mean that I don't miss her, or that I'm "over it;" it simply means that I'm through with it. This poem may not make a lot of sense, (since when did I make sense?), but it's where I am. It's where I choose to be.
It's where I choose to stop the vortex, and let joy take over.
“Beautiful Girl”
C. S. Cooley
September 16, 2010
Beautiful girl…
It’s that time of year
That takes my breath
Away…
Beautiful girl…
It’s that time of year
I can feel the days pass by
Like a clock ticking
Down…
Beautiful girl…
Not a day goes by
Where I don’t see your face
Behind my smile
Tears don’t always
Have to fall
For a heart
To cry…
Beautiful girl…
It’s that time of year
When I close my eyes
And breathe…
Beautiful girl…
It’s that time of year
When I lean on Him
To be strong
Beautiful girl…
Not a day goes by
Where I don’t see your face
In my mind…
Tears don’t always
Have to fall
For a heart
To cry…
Beautiful girl…
Time goes on
And the time has come
For me to say
That it’s all right…
Beautiful girl…
Let the beauty for ashes
Give strength through the mourning
For morning
Has
Come…
Beautiful girl…
This is the time
To ponder in my heart
The journey He has me on…
Tears don’t always
Have to fall
For a heart
To cry…
Beautiful girl…
It’s that time of year
Where I celebrate
All I have to be
Thankful for
And you,
My beautiful girl
Are on my heart…
Though at times,
These tears will fall
At all times,
He holds my heart
And He knows…
Who am I,
To pull others into
My vortex of grieving,
When the days of
Grieving are
Done?
When the time for
Celebration is
Here?
Who am I,
To let myself get
Pulled into the
Things I see others doing
And consider it
Fine for me
When it’s not?
Who am I,
To indulge myself
In depression,
In sadness,
In letting these
Weights
Drag me down
Into depths
Where no Light
Can possibly
Shine?
There is sadness
Lighter than
Grief;
There is sorrow
That doesn’t
Come
With
Chains….
No one needs that kind of
Attention;
No one needs that kind of
“Aww, you poor baby,
Just cry a little longer,
We’ll pray for you,
Jesus, we’ll pray for her….”
At this stage of the game….
Put on your armor,
Suck it up,
Go out into the world
Keep your chin up,
Your smile bright,
Throw your head back
And laugh,
Because if this is the worst that it gets,
Guess what?
I’ve pulled through…
I’ve been
Scarred up, Beat up,
Thought that I’d never see
Daylight,
Put up, or shut up,
What kind of faith do you have?
Mine is
Quite small…
But my God
Is
Big…
And the time
Of
Weeping that lasts through the night?
Well,
It’s 9 am,
And joy has
Come
In this morning---
Raise up a shout,
For I am not like
The others who carry
Their grieving around
Like a blanket made
Of lead…
I had my time.
Now I’m done.
My heart still hurts—
And maybe today,
I’m feeling much stronger than
I will
6 weeks from now.
Remind me.
Remind me.
Remind me.
Don’t let me
Saturate
In
Sadness…
Yes,
My heart still hurts,
But my heart is
Healed
And I have run miles
I have run marathons in faith
In A God
That has moved
My mountains,
So it’s not “all right”
Don’t let me
Saturate
In
Sadness…
He loves me beyond
My tears…
And she
Is
Worth
Celebrating
With
Laughter…
We choose our vortex…
Who am I,
To pull someone into mine?
Who am I,
To be in one,
In the first place?
The vortex of
October
Has
Come
To
A
Screeching
Halt
And
I
Will
Laugh
At the
Days
To
Come!!!
(Because that is what He promised me!)
Beautiful girl…
This is the time of year
Where I stop
And thank God
For the journey
He’s brought me
Through
And for the
Journey
He’s taking me
On.
Beautiful girl…
This is the time of year
Where I stop
And
Celebrate you
With a life
Of
Laughter.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010
21st Century Weight Loss
So, tonight was it. Tonight, I took the leap into the 21st Century and started a 12-week online/phone nutrition class. Sure, there's the fact that I can sit in my underwear and gain an education....and that I can jump around the internet and let my ADD run rampant while I listen in on the facts and information...but then again, there's the fact that if I can't look at someone and their chalkboard, I have a really hard time staying focused and gleaning all of the information I need to. I do virtually NOTHING via telephone in my personal time, because the darn thing is attached to my hip at my office, and I'd sooner throw the phone against the wall into a million pieces, then be on it when I cross the threshold of my humble abode. I'm not a phone person, and my irritation at the format of this class is undeniable.
So I have to get over it.
One thing I've discovered is that in this time of technology, more and more education is online. In fact, I have a management class I have to take, that I haven't taken yet, that's online. Freaks. Me. Out. Where's my classroom? Where's my stage of academic competition? I did fairly well in school because I felt like everyone would know if I failed. Online classes don't allow you that spirit of "show-off," and I fear I may not succeed because there's no accountability. Where's my April McMullen in choir, to challenge my vocal abilities? Where's my Richard Harrison, to challenge my Greek skills (oh, wait, that didn't work--I stank at Greek, no matter who I was in class with!)? Where's my Phil Perrey, to make me study my Old Testament that much harder? My classmates had names, faces, and there were finals with published scores (at least, verbally published)! It made me work that much harder!
Was I ever that good, in the first place, or was it fear, that let me "succeed" in the classroom?
This time, I'm on my own, and the lack of competition makes me question my abilities.
I've always looked at education as a contest, and as long as no sports are involved, it's the contest that makes it worth trying. When I don't have the face-to-face intellectual combat, I don't think I give my best performance, so this online/phone class has me worrying about whether or not I can seriously do this.
I told you I'd be accountable on my weight-loss journey, and I am.
It's been one year since I set out to lose weight. My initial goal was to lose 40 pounds, and I did that. Up until August, I kept it off, too. Last month (and I've referenced this), I wiped out in going to the gym, I ate like a loser, and I gained like, 10 pounds back. Since I've really been off of my meal-replacement plan since January, I'm trying not to kick myself too hard for those 10 pounds, but really! I'm aggravated, and I feel like a failure, so shouldn't that be enough motivation for me to be more focused on this class?
You'd think so.
I'd actually like to lose 40 more pounds, as crazy as that sounds. I'd be happy with knocking out another 30, but 40 would be righteous. I'm learning that this whole food-relationship thing is so much more than just food, and I've said this before. It's emotional-no, it's spiritual. I reward myself with food, because I'm not trusting that God sees me, that He sees what I do, and that He acknowledges me (I'm secretly 5 years old, and require constant pats on the back. Seriously?!?). This is a constant struggle, and I wish I knew what magic button I could push to make it easy!!!!!
This isn't about being fat-it's about being healthy, about building a body that can live to be 100 and not feel like my parents feel...it's about completely diffusing this heart that's a ticking time bomb, and about having a body that reflects the faith that God keeps His promises! The longer Satan can keep me bound up in this food addiction and crappy mentality, the further away I am from seeing my goals and heart's desires that God gave me.
That's the end-game.
It's not about seeing the other people in the classroom, and proving that I can be smarter than them (although, Richard and Phil, I could NEVER be smarter than you two Einsteins. Ridiculous, those craniums). It's not about looking someone in the eye and sizing them up. It's about looking ME in the mirror, and deciding whether or not I trust God enough to do what He says He will do...it's about looking at me, and saying that if He say's I'm worth it, then I'm worth it.
My Jesus is particularly fond of me.
I am worth taking this time on this horrible little instrument of technological torture, to learn how to properly care for this body. After all, He spent quite a bit of time and effort keeping this body alive...and I am done with ruining it, so this phone/online aggravation is a small sacrifice.
It's time I let myself into the 21st century, and got over my technology issues.
But please...don't call me. :)
So I have to get over it.
One thing I've discovered is that in this time of technology, more and more education is online. In fact, I have a management class I have to take, that I haven't taken yet, that's online. Freaks. Me. Out. Where's my classroom? Where's my stage of academic competition? I did fairly well in school because I felt like everyone would know if I failed. Online classes don't allow you that spirit of "show-off," and I fear I may not succeed because there's no accountability. Where's my April McMullen in choir, to challenge my vocal abilities? Where's my Richard Harrison, to challenge my Greek skills (oh, wait, that didn't work--I stank at Greek, no matter who I was in class with!)? Where's my Phil Perrey, to make me study my Old Testament that much harder? My classmates had names, faces, and there were finals with published scores (at least, verbally published)! It made me work that much harder!
Was I ever that good, in the first place, or was it fear, that let me "succeed" in the classroom?
This time, I'm on my own, and the lack of competition makes me question my abilities.
I've always looked at education as a contest, and as long as no sports are involved, it's the contest that makes it worth trying. When I don't have the face-to-face intellectual combat, I don't think I give my best performance, so this online/phone class has me worrying about whether or not I can seriously do this.
I told you I'd be accountable on my weight-loss journey, and I am.
It's been one year since I set out to lose weight. My initial goal was to lose 40 pounds, and I did that. Up until August, I kept it off, too. Last month (and I've referenced this), I wiped out in going to the gym, I ate like a loser, and I gained like, 10 pounds back. Since I've really been off of my meal-replacement plan since January, I'm trying not to kick myself too hard for those 10 pounds, but really! I'm aggravated, and I feel like a failure, so shouldn't that be enough motivation for me to be more focused on this class?
You'd think so.
I'd actually like to lose 40 more pounds, as crazy as that sounds. I'd be happy with knocking out another 30, but 40 would be righteous. I'm learning that this whole food-relationship thing is so much more than just food, and I've said this before. It's emotional-no, it's spiritual. I reward myself with food, because I'm not trusting that God sees me, that He sees what I do, and that He acknowledges me (I'm secretly 5 years old, and require constant pats on the back. Seriously?!?). This is a constant struggle, and I wish I knew what magic button I could push to make it easy!!!!!
This isn't about being fat-it's about being healthy, about building a body that can live to be 100 and not feel like my parents feel...it's about completely diffusing this heart that's a ticking time bomb, and about having a body that reflects the faith that God keeps His promises! The longer Satan can keep me bound up in this food addiction and crappy mentality, the further away I am from seeing my goals and heart's desires that God gave me.
That's the end-game.
It's not about seeing the other people in the classroom, and proving that I can be smarter than them (although, Richard and Phil, I could NEVER be smarter than you two Einsteins. Ridiculous, those craniums). It's not about looking someone in the eye and sizing them up. It's about looking ME in the mirror, and deciding whether or not I trust God enough to do what He says He will do...it's about looking at me, and saying that if He say's I'm worth it, then I'm worth it.
My Jesus is particularly fond of me.
I am worth taking this time on this horrible little instrument of technological torture, to learn how to properly care for this body. After all, He spent quite a bit of time and effort keeping this body alive...and I am done with ruining it, so this phone/online aggravation is a small sacrifice.
It's time I let myself into the 21st century, and got over my technology issues.
But please...don't call me. :)
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