21st Century Weight Loss

So, tonight was it. Tonight, I took the leap into the 21st Century and started a 12-week online/phone nutrition class. Sure, there's the fact that I can sit in my underwear and gain an education....and that I can jump around the internet and let my ADD run rampant while I listen in on the facts and information...but then again, there's the fact that if I can't look at someone and their chalkboard, I have a really hard time staying focused and gleaning all of the information I need to. I do virtually NOTHING via telephone in my personal time, because the darn thing is attached to my hip at my office, and I'd sooner throw the phone against the wall into a million pieces, then be on it when I cross the threshold of my humble abode. I'm not a phone person, and my irritation at the format of this class is undeniable.

So I have to get over it.

One thing I've discovered is that in this time of technology, more and more education is online. In fact, I have a management class I have to take, that I haven't taken yet, that's online. Freaks. Me. Out. Where's my classroom? Where's my stage of academic competition? I did fairly well in school because I felt like everyone would know if I failed. Online classes don't allow you that spirit of "show-off," and I fear I may not succeed because there's no accountability. Where's my April McMullen in choir, to challenge my vocal abilities? Where's my Richard Harrison, to challenge my Greek skills (oh, wait, that didn't work--I stank at Greek, no matter who I was in class with!)? Where's my Phil Perrey, to make me study my Old Testament that much harder? My classmates had names, faces, and there were finals with published scores (at least, verbally published)! It made me work that much harder!

Was I ever that good, in the first place, or was it fear, that let me "succeed" in the classroom?

This time, I'm on my own, and the lack of competition makes me question my abilities.

I've always looked at education as a contest, and as long as no sports are involved, it's the contest that makes it worth trying. When I don't have the face-to-face intellectual combat, I don't think I give my best performance, so this online/phone class has me worrying about whether or not I can seriously do this.

I told you I'd be accountable on my weight-loss journey, and I am.

It's been one year since I set out to lose weight. My initial goal was to lose 40 pounds, and I did that. Up until August, I kept it off, too. Last month (and I've referenced this), I wiped out in going to the gym, I ate like a loser, and I gained like, 10 pounds back. Since I've really been off of my meal-replacement plan since January, I'm trying not to kick myself too hard for those 10 pounds, but really! I'm aggravated, and I feel like a failure, so shouldn't that be enough motivation for me to be more focused on this class?

You'd think so.

I'd actually like to lose 40 more pounds, as crazy as that sounds. I'd be happy with knocking out another 30, but 40 would be righteous. I'm learning that this whole food-relationship thing is so much more than just food, and I've said this before. It's emotional-no, it's spiritual. I reward myself with food, because I'm not trusting that God sees me, that He sees what I do, and that He acknowledges me (I'm secretly 5 years old, and require constant pats on the back. Seriously?!?). This is a constant struggle, and I wish I knew what magic button I could push to make it easy!!!!!

This isn't about being fat-it's about being healthy, about building a body that can live to be 100 and not feel like my parents feel...it's about completely diffusing this heart that's a ticking time bomb, and about having a body that reflects the faith that God keeps His promises! The longer Satan can keep me bound up in this food addiction and crappy mentality, the further away I am from seeing my goals and heart's desires that God gave me.

That's the end-game.

It's not about seeing the other people in the classroom, and proving that I can be smarter than them (although, Richard and Phil, I could NEVER be smarter than you two Einsteins. Ridiculous, those craniums). It's not about looking someone in the eye and sizing them up. It's about looking ME in the mirror, and deciding whether or not I trust God enough to do what He says He will do...it's about looking at me, and saying that if He say's I'm worth it, then I'm worth it.

My Jesus is particularly fond of me.

I am worth taking this time on this horrible little instrument of technological torture, to learn how to properly care for this body. After all, He spent quite a bit of time and effort keeping this body alive...and I am done with ruining it, so this phone/online aggravation is a small sacrifice.

It's time I let myself into the 21st century, and got over my technology issues.

But please...don't call me. :)