Taking the next step, boxing gloves in hand...

Fear.
It's a HUGE part of my life.  Yesterday, Mom said, "Girl, you are afraid of EVERYTHING!!!" People that aren't around me all of the time may not see that, but it's so true--I'm totally terrified , and that fear leads to a constant feeling of inadequacy and self-loathing. The fear factor has definitely increased over the course of the past few years. For a while after Hannah died, I was actually so afraid that David would die in a car accident, that I was afraid to tell God that I was thankful for him. I was afraid to say that I liked my job, because I just knew as soon as I did, that I would get fired. I was afraid to celebrate any good thing, because I knew it wasn't meant for me, and that I'd lose it if I celebrated it. That's subsided, but I still deal with a sense of "oh, be careful! Don't get too excited...don't get too attached! Nothing's guaranteed!!!!"
I work in a world of academia, surrounded by brilliant women. Smart people terrify me. I was a valedictorian...in a class of 6 people. I graduated from college after being the recipient of numerous scholarships...but I lost the only one I ever earned for my grades.  I have a knack for walking into walls, saying the wrong thing at the worst possible time, and for tripping over my own two feet. I'm uncoordinated, talk too much without saying anything, and seriously lack the ability to know when to end a conversa......you get the point.
There's a song by TLC that I used to love, called "Unpretty."  I've always liked it, because it rings true with how I feel physically and mentally. Never feeling "good enough" is such a cliche, but I get it. I just. Plain. Don't.  I always wanted to wake up with some secret magical Peter-Parker-Moment, some superhero quality that made me different, made me special. The reality of being "normal" sucks. But I am. I'm just an average Jane. And being surrounded by all of these brilliant people reiterates that feeling.  I've always felt like there was something more, and I'm missing it. 
A few years ago, I heard a message about not settling for Plan B...about not being happy with circumnavigating your Promised Land (thanks, Ben Scofield), Shortly thereafter, I put a note on my bathroom mirror to be "thankful" for wherever I am..but not to be satisfied. I've spent 13 years in Plan B.  I've had a few glimpses of Plan A (thanks, David, for marrying me--you're the best Plan A EVER!), but I know that there's more.  Being a wife is #1. Motherhood is #2. And continuing my education is #3. My grandma used to say to me, "You promise me that you'll go to college!" I did. When I was in college, Dr. Pabarcus (and his super-cool doctoral hat that he wore to graduation ceremonies) would say, "Hey, "Dr. Baumann" sounds good!" "Sure...right." I'd say.
#2 is on the table. It could happen any time, any day, and I am 100% for it. Motherhood is my ultimate lifetime heart's desire. There's nothing I want more, other than to be a good wife.
I work for an institution that wants me to learn. I want to learn. I want to keep going...maybe it's "Dr. Cooley" that's resonating in my ears, I don't know--but I feel like watching people like Lauren Preston or John Grapperhaus is inspiring me not to sell myself short. These are "normal" people who are holding down jobs and raising families, and who are Going. To. School.
I've seen that it can be done.
I'm terrified...I'm petrified.
I want to go.
I jumped.
Clicking the "apply now" button on UMSL's website was a truly frightening experience. In fact, I was waiting for the "APPLICATION REJECTED" e-mail (and it may still come). But I've applied, and for me and all of my fears, that was the biggest part of the battle. 
Transcripts have been requested, and I've contacted several former professors for Letters of Recommendation; fortunately, a few of them have complied. For them to remember me (and to say nice things about me) is incredibly humbling. I sat in my office yesterday and cried after the former president of my alma mater called me to tell me he'd write the letter. Who am I? I'm truly, truly freaked out. Total Sally Field moment--"they really like me!!!"
I'm applying to the graduate program in the English department. I know it's a lot of work--my boss' daughter just graduated from the program (which is GREAT, because she's understanding!), and told me it's tough. I'm hoping to consistently take 1-2 classes/semester (and I'm starting with 1!). My undergraduate degree is in Bible, so it's likely that I'll have to take some classes to even start the graduate program. I'm okay with that. 
Well, as okay as I can be. If you saw my insides, you'd see what looks like a tiny mouse, shaking in a corner.  I'm petrified.
I know that this is a direction I want to go; more importantly, it's a direction I feel like I am supposed to go. If I try, and I fail, at least I didn't miss the opportunity.
At least I didn't let the fear win.
If I try, and I fail, at least I can say that I clicked the button.
If I try...
Maybe I'll succeed?