The St. Louis Post-Dispatch

THE ARTICLE

Well, there it is (click the header for the link): the article in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. Really, words cannot express how strange it is, to pour out your story/guts to a complete stranger, and then trust them to wrap it all up and present it to the general public. Truly, it's bizarre. I prayed over this article before it came out, so I know what needed to be said, was said....however, (LOL) I totally hate the picture! Yikes--can we say, unflattering?!?!? At least I had makeup on! :) Sheesh.

If I had to add anything to it, I would have added the diagnosis the doctors "bestowed" on me, simply because it sounds so scary that it might knock some awareness into younger people that yes, they too, can have frightening diagnoses knock on their doors when they least expect it! SO ('cause it's impressive, haha), in case you were wondering, I was diagnosed with peripartum cardiomyopathy with pulmonary hypertension and congestive heart failure, 2 days after delivering my Hannah. Sounds scary-cool, huh? I always get a kick out of people's faces when I say that, kind of a "WHAAT??" It's fun!

The whole process was interesting. I have such a different writing style, that it's strange for me to see myself interpreted in someone else's writing style. That's just bizarre! So, here's the article, and I'm really excited about it coming out; I'm hoping it really does bring a younger face to the Heart Association, for awareness. I'm not the only 20-30 year-old chick with heart issues, and I know it can be kinda lonely at times for those of us with these issues. Let me know what you think...and a huge thanks to Dr. Shea, and to Dr. Mary Jo, for being willing to help a sister out! Dr. Shea let me do both the interview, and the photography at our office (although I would have rathered a DIFFERENT PICTURE, LOL!), and Dr. Mary Jo was willing to let Mr. Jackson interview her regarding my case.

So, now the world knows: My heart stopped working; my daughter died; and yes, I saw a shrink.

I officially feel like an open book...and that's not a bad thing, all things considered!

Oh, FYI: February is National Heart Health Awareness month, and Friday, February 5th, is National Go Red for Women Day. I'll be buzzing around St. Louis in my "free time" doing American Heart Association events, including interviewing for a position as National Spokesperson for the Go Red campaign, so wish me luck and prayers...You now officially know someone with heart disease (me) who would appreciate your support in this endeavor. 1 woman dies every minute from heart disease. Visit www.goredforwomen.org for more information...your mothers, sisters, daughters, and more, will appreciate it!

The Lingerie and the Identity Crisis

First of all, let me say that I have sat on writing this blog for a few days, and am questioning writing it even now...I'm not questioning it because I don't think it's Godly; my questioning is only because I've recently become aware of certain people who have read this blog, and I don't want to offend them. I didn't set out to write this blog with the intention of changing who I am for whoever reads this; I set out to write this blog to share life experiences, hilarity, drama, and whatever else God throws my way, with as much honesty as possible. If you read this, and you're offended, I'm sorry. But I'm not going to change who God made me, and edit myself to the point that it's not an honest piece. That being said, this blog is about underwear. If the subject of underwear bothers you, well...stop reading. And skip Victoria's Secret, 'cause I think you'll probably stroke out if you walk in there, if you can't handle this. :) (said in love, people!)
I think it's possible for lingerie to spark an identity crisis. There, I said it. Here's why:
I have never had a good body image. Stretch marks, scars, bruises, acne, being overly-endowed at an early age---I've hated my body my entire life. When high school brought on the challenge of changing clothes for gym class, I tried to mask the embarrassment by hiding under the biggest T-shirts I could find. I'd try to be like other girls, and attempt to be "sexy," but I usually wound up feeling uncomfortable pretty quickly. This may surprise some people, especially considering my known love of make-up. Yeah, I love my Maybelline, but I wash it off as soon as I walk through the door at home.
When I was a young teenager, and the hormones kicked in (and my hair got so ridiculously curly), I'd try to roll the dress-code skirts and bat my eyelashes (boys never noticed me--at least, from the neck up). As I got older, and headed to college, I started favoring baggier jeans and shirts, pajamas, comfy socks, and all of the grandma-style that I still favor to this day. I consider myself a "modest mouse," and the older I get, the more convinced I am that I am terribly unstylish.
But back to the lingerie....
I'm all for comfort...consistency...support...function. Yeah, I know, every girl's got a few pairs of "lucky" panties (hey, I'm married, not dead!), but I'm such a Hanes kinda girl. Is there anything better than white cotton?!?!? I ask you!!! They're dependable, will never show through your light-colored pants, don't shrink or fall apart in the wash, and are cheap as can be, and I like them. No one sees them but David, and he doesn't seem to mind.
Going to the gym regularly has exposed me (literally) to the locker-room lifestyle. I have never really thought much about my underwear, nor have I really cared. Suddenly, in the locker room at the gym, I find my already-unstable physical self-confidence on seriously shaky ground: Every woman I have seen in that locker room is wearing not only matching lingerie, but PRETTY lingerie. Victoria's Secret lingerie. Lacey, frilly, sexy, fancy underthings that I've only seen in select stores, and would never even imagine on myself--there it goes, on women in every shape and size (yes, some of it is frightening. Anyone who's toured under my directing, where costumes were required, knows my stance on thong underwear. They're gross. Where the panties go, the skirt will follow, as will the eyes. Put it away. Oh, and just 'cause they make it in your size, DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD WEAR IT IN THE LOCKER ROOM). But these women...suddenly, as I pass the 40-something-year-old professional in her thong panties, I realize that she is not the only one wearing the sexy underwear. So are the 20 or so other women in the locker room. In fact, not only am I the only one actually bothering with a cover-up; I'm the only one in my beloved Hanes whities.
A realization strikes: I am boring.
Am I boring? Really?!?!? Here I am, functional, consistent, reliable, staid...boring in both my choice of lingerie, and in my lifestyle. Planned out, comfortable...Somewhere along the line, I put away my stiletto heels and bought Aerosole wedges. Somewhere along the line, I put away the pretty panties and bought Hanes, and never looked back. Somewhere along the the line, Cassidy became afraid of being crazy, of not caring what anyone thought, and of doing the unexpected. Somewhere along the line, fear of rejection took over, and reckless abandon went out the window.
I'm not saying that I'm going out and buying sexy panties. I know it would appear that this blog is about underwear, but it's more of a metaphor. I'm saying that I've traded faith for fear, confidence for paranoia, and fun for function. It's not who I am, and I don't want to be that way anymore.
I can't be afraid of what people think of me, whether it's in the physical or the spiritual. I can't be afraid that I'll fall, or that I'll stick my foot in mouth, or that I'll be rejected. I have to try.
I have to go out, and put one foot in front of the other, and not care....I have to ignore my cellulite, my acne, my 'fro, my curves, my "boring" tendencies, put it all aside, and do the crazy things God tells me to do.
I have to care what He thinks, and He thinks I'm beautiful.
I have to care what He thinks, and He thinks I can be bold.
I have to care what He thinks, and He thinks I can speak the words He's given me, and not sound like an idiot. He didn't make me to be afraid.
He made me to dance in my underwear. David danced in his underwear, as mentioned in the Bible (2 Sam. 6--the linen ephod? Hebrew Hanes.). The story isn't really about David and his underwear; rather, it's about his reckless abandonment in worship of God's triumphs. It's about worship without fear.
God made us to be bold, to live beyond opinion. He made us to be confident in Him, and to get past our own insecurities to do His will. He gives us self-worth...He gives beauty for our ashes, strength for our despair, joy for our mourning...He gives us what we need to live and walk in freedom in Him!!!! We don't have to live in the prison of self-doubt and insecurity, trapped to a life of boredom and faux-stability because we trust in the things we see--He takes us beyond that, to a life of flux and change, but a life anchored in Him. That's awesome!!!!
I know that I wrote this blog about underwear in a locker room...about my own insecurities and fears, my own self-esteem issues. It's not really about that, though...
It's about you.
What are the things you are afraid of? Fear is only a four-letter word; why do we let it trample us down and keep us from our freedom in Christ?
I am afraid that:
I am afraid you will not like me.
I am afraid you think I'm fat or ugly.
I am afraid you will think I'm stupid, or that I'm a "bad" Christian.
I am afraid you won't know that I love Jesus.
I am afraid you will reject me
Make fun of me
Or ostracize me from you and your friends.
My fears make you into gods, but I am not into idolatry.
So I'm finished with my fears of you (didn't know you were so powerful, did you?). My identity crisis is completed with the revelation/revolution that I am grounded in Christ and what He thinks of me...and if He wants me to dance in my underwear, I will...if He wants me to dance while I strip away every pretense that I have, every false representation of who I am, for Him, I will...if He wants me to dance while my heart breaks from the world that I live in, I will (and I have). If He wants me to dance and bear my soul, so He can shed His light on it all, I will. He is the Lover of my soul, and I will dance for Him alone...

News Update!!!

I recently had a super-cool opportunity that I wanted to pass along to y'all...As I've mentioned before, I'm signed up with the American Heart Association's St. Louis Chapter, to be a spokesperson for their Go Red! campaign. The focus of Go Red! is to raise awareness specifically towards women, of heart disease. Since my personal experience with heart disease was life-changing, I want to put a focus among young women to care for their hearts now, rather than waiting until they're in their 40's and 50's---'cause in cases like mine, that's just too late.
Anyhoo, I've had a few speaking engagements so far, including a memorial walk, and a brief presentation to Macy's employees at West County. I've realized again how much I love public speaking, especially when it's something I'm passionate about. I get horribly nervous (I'd be stupid not to be--after all, it's an incredibly personal story to share with strangers!), but it's so worth it!
Based on this connection, I was contacted by the AHA and the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, for an interview on my experience with heart disease and the life-changes I've made since my diagnosis. My interview was on Tuesday, and the reporter was super-nice; however, the story of my heart diagnosis is almost inseparable from my loss of Hannah, so he's decided at this point that he's going to come back for a follow-up interview that may focus on her. This interview, which will run in the health section, will focus on my heart.
February is National Heart Health Awareness Month, so the story will most likely run on January 21st or 28th (he's shooting for 1/28).
I am so excited...I've been so blessed with a great family, awesome church support, incredible boss support, and fantastic health care providers! I don't know if the reporter will have the room to name-drop everyone I mentioned, but good grief! In sitting there, telling the story, I was overcome with thankfulness for everyone who has held my hand through the last few years. There truly is no obstacle God cannot overcome! To have the chance to share my story, Hannah's story...to have the chance to give God the glory, to express my gratitude, is AWESOME!!!!!
The coolest part of the interview was when the reporter looked at me and said, "How in the world did that ventricle go back to normal?!?!? That doesn't just happen!!!" And I said, "Well, I'm not sure if you can publish the real answer...but by the grace and love of God!!!!" He also asked why in the world, after Hannah's death, did I not choose to end my life? I told him that I was raised in a Godly home, and that my parents taught me there was nothing in life that we couldn't handle if we let the Lord take care of it. I don't know if he will publish my answers, but at least I can rest easy knowing that I told him the truth!
This reporter was very candid with his questions, and I was appreciative of that--after all, I've blogged about everything, so why in the world would I mind if he asked me some uber-personal questions? He even asked how in the world David and I are still together after all of this! Hey, guess what? Same answer: Grace and love of God!!! And, I married an awesome guy!
Anyways, I'll post on here when the paper is published. I'm also gearing up to speak for at least one event in February, to promote heart health, on National Wear Red Day, on February 5th.
I'm so excited! Maybe it's the coffee on an empty stomach...Whatever, I'm just stoked to have the chance to give a testimony on the awesomeness of the Father!!! Yay!

New year...so fresh, so clean

I'm typing this blog and listening to OutKast. As I sat down to write this, I just kept thinking, "Wow, it's a New Year! It's So Fresh, So Clean," which of course, I affiliate with the awesomeness of grace. But, since it's also the title of an OutKast song, I decided to pull up the lyrics and actually listen to the song...let's just say they're not talking about grace! But, now the track is in my head..."ain't nobody dope as me, I'm just so fresh, so clean!"
Doesn't it always seem like New Year's is such a clean slate? It's like, okay...how many times did I screw up in '09? Let's not repeat that in 2010! To tell the truth, I hadn't even really thought about the New Year until I read the Facebook status of one of the docs I work with. He commented on the change in his life over the past decade: Married, 3 kids, career...I had to pause and think about my life over the past 10 years.
In 2000, for y2K, I was on a truly awful date with a guy I had no business being around. I was at a club called "Voodoo," which tells you all you need to know about the place! I'd never been out for New Years, and I wish I would have learned from my mistakes, but nope--went out again on yet another truly awful date in '01! It was during those first 2 years after I graduated from college that I went through one of the darkest periods of my life...
But it's always darkest just before the dawn, right? And so it was...towards the end of 2002, I found myself in a place of happiness and self-discovery in Christ that was amazing. I found out who I was, and what I was made of, at least, for that time. I discovered that if my life were me and Christ, that was fine; in fact, that was awesome. I learned to be happy and at peace in my solitude, verses miserable in loneliness. I learned to be Cassidy, freckles, fat, and all...
2003 brought some amazing changes. After stripping down my heart and getting comfortable in my own skin, God saw fit to bring this strange new person into my life. David Cooley, met through a friend, started e-mailing me the dumbest things you could imagine in early 2003. It took a few months, but I finally decided to meet him in May. Our first date...well, that's another story.
In 2003, I learned about love for the first time in my life. I learned that you don't fall in love; you grow in it. I learned that when God is in a relationship, it's unlike anything that man could compare to. He truly put the two of us together, and the courtship began. We had more fun, more laughter, and more amazing time together...I had prayed for my future husband since I was 14, and there he was. He was unexpected, and such a blessing...through it all, he is my favorite, my best friend, my hero, and my truest love...
Love knocked me off of my feet. Not the gushy, melty kind of love (although I am prone to being swoony, LOL!)...this was a different kind of love, a different kind of communication. This was an unknown realm, and one centered on Christ. I'd never dated anyone who made me want to be a better person, and more importantly, a better Christian, and he still does that. David is a gift, and I love him ferociously.
We were married in April, 2005...and the hurricanes, storms, and tornadoes began shortly afterwards. From 2005-2009, there were few lulls in our lives. In 2005, I lost my step-mother, Nancy, to alcoholism. Before the disease changed who she was, she was the friendliest, most warm-hearted person I've met, and I miss her deeply. In the winter of '05, we also acquired our Holly-dog, who still warms our hearts and our feet every day! 2005-2006 brought several surgeries for me, and job changes for David, as well as the purchase of a new home, the relocation to Jefferson County, finding out I was unexpectedly pregnant, and the "fun" of packing up and moving. Yikes.
Of course, the most memorable thing for 2006 was the birth of my daughter, Hannah Elizabeth Gayle Cooley. Though she passed away at 29 days of age, that little darling changed both David and I, and our families, forever. Through the process of becoming a mother, I learned so much more about the love of God for His children...about the love of a Father. Having Hannah forced me to reconcile with my mother in new ways. I learned that I am capable of so much more than I ever thought possible...The lessons I learned in 34 weeks of pregnancy, and 1 month of hands-on motherhood are immeasurable...
2 days after Hannah was born, I was also introduced to heart disease, which has had a permanent effect on my life, and on David, as well. It paled in comparison with the grief of losing Hannah, but in this past year, I have confronted it head on, and so far, am succeeding in beating the so-called "death sentence" of congestive heart failure (thank You Jesus!!!!! Thank you, Dr. Shea!!!! Thank you, Dr. Mazei!!!!).
2006 taught us about life, love, loss, grace, family, and providence. Through it all, God carried us and took care of us...
So for 2007, I had a simple prayer: Father, let life be simple. Give us a year off. Let us simply be...let us breathe. And He did. We began the process of putting one foot in front of the other. The first year after losing our baby girl were the hardest, and though I read every book, took seminars, marinated in prayer, and more, my heart still hurt in a way that only time and grace could heal...which it has.
2008 began with a shock: David received a job offer which took us to Kentucky for a year. There, we learned even more about the value of our family, church, and friends. We missed them terribly, and though the money was nice, there were few regrets when David lost his job in the beginning of 2009.
And here we are...2009 meant that I rejoined Dr. Shea in her ever-growing practice in February (I remarked at the time that it felt like putting on a comfortable pair of well-broken-in shoes again. The office feels like home, and I'm so thankful to be there!). David continues to look for employment, but in spite of his lack of work, we have not been in lack. God has provided for us in the funniest of ways. From random gifts of clothing (which has all conveniently been in the right size) to strange reductions in bills, God has taken care of us. At one point, the financial worries seemed to crush me, but it's okay. We're okay, and there is peace, for the most part.
2009 also marked a renewed commitment to my personal health, through the kindness of Dr. Shea. On July 30th, I joined Take Shape For Life, and have now lost 40 pounds. I'm also a spokesperson for the American Heart Association, and have had the chance to share my story of heart disease in the St. Louis area, which is super-cool! I look forward to doing more with that in the future!
The last 10 years have been my Great Awakening. I spent my first 20 years of existence doing what I was told, playing the part of the good girl, and wearing a mask. All of the facades have been stripped off, and these years have been the time of seeing what I'm truly made of, at least, to this point. I've learned a lot about the value of faith, what grace truly means, how awesome the love of Jesus is, and more...I've learned to not be afraid of my opinions, but to try to gain a little bit of tact (Ha!!!!! Still working on that one!)...I've learned that I can be one scary woman when I'm pushed, and that it's okay, as long as it's for the right reasons...that righteous anger is nothing to be afraid of or apologize for...and that it's not arrogant to say that you've done a good job (still struggling with that one). I've learned that I am worth fighting for, because Jesus fought for me first. I've learned to appreciate solitude, and to love company...and that marriage will revolutionize your life (but not as much as motherhood!).
I've learned that what I once thought were the darkest days of my life are nothing compared to what followed...and that walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death does not have a fast-forward button. Shadows are dark, deep, and long, and the only way to get out from under them is to put one foot in front of the other. I've learned that sometimes you can't see the Light at the end, but you have faith that it's there, and you keep going.
I've learned that if the Word is true, and that Jesus keeps every one of my tears in a bottle, that there are oceans in Heaven with my name on them, and it's okay. He understands.
I've learned to be honest with God for both the good and the bad: He can handle it.
If I've learned one lesson over these last 10 years, it's this, and it's amazingly complicated in it's simplicity: Jesus Loves Me.
I am unlovable...but He loves me.
I'm taking the next 10 years to figure out why, and to try to love Him back more and more...
So fresh, so clean--that's what Jesus does for me. It's all about the journey of Grace.
Happy New Year, Happy New Decade. Happy Clean Slate, Happy So Fresh, So Clean. May your 2010 be full of health, abundance, grace, and lessons learned that will bring you closer to the heart of the Father....