Medical Temper Tantrum...I've had it.

Today, I have had enough.
I've had it with doctors.
I work in alternative health care. I work in a small-ish office, for one doctor, with one other staff member, in a space that actually holds four doctors(only one of them is my boss). I'm an office manager, and I, for the most part, like what I do. My patients (and yes, I call them "mine," because even though they're not there to see me, we have enough conversations that I have grown to have at the very least, professional concern for them. Most of them, I actually like, and I believe they like me, too) know my name, and I know theirs. If I see them on the street, I can look at them and smile, have a conversation, and know that it's okay. Heck, I even recognize some of the patients of the other doctors, that I have little-to-no interaction with. It's that kind of an office, and though it's professional, it's a place of compassion and concern (for people--not for insurance company. There, my evil side comes out, and it's UGGGGGLY).
When I have to sit on the other side, and be a patient, I'm hyper-critical. It doesn't matter how busy we are, we do our best to be NICE. Walking into a doctor's office and dealing with a staff member who hates their little glass-enclosed-ring-a-bell-to-sign-in life is not what I consider warm and welcoming, especially when you're generally not in a doctor's office because you feel FABULOUS. I don't care HOW pretty the decor is, a doctor's staff sets the tone. I rarely have problems with office staff, but when I do, I let them know. I would want to know, if it were me.
Doctors, on the other hand, are their own unique breed. They're usually very insulated, and have little idea of what their staff is up to (unless a patient complains). In our office, all 4 doctors are kind, considerate, take their time, and truly focus on the patients we see. We see a HUGE variety of patients. Every one of them gets the doc's full attention, no matter now weird the questions. Our doctors are KIND.
My primary care physician is a wonderful lady, and I love her. MY OB/GYN is an airhead (who forgot that my daughter had died, just as he was wheeling me back for my uterine surgery that I had earlier this year--hey, he didn't deliver Hannah, and he'd had a busy morning, so I guess I can understand that, but REALLY?!?), but he's incredibly skilled as a surgeon, so I'm keeping him, even if he is a bit batty. He's kind, and he takes care of my whole family now, so we're good there.
My cardiologist, however, is a bonehead.
The first cardiologist I had, saw me at Missouri Baptist when the cardiomyopathy set in. The day after Hannah died, I had to go see him, and his first words were "How is the baby?" Needless to say, that didn't go over well. After a year's worth of care in that office (Town and Country Cardiovascular, with Dr. Hess--and yes, I'm naming names. He's a nice man, but darn it, nice doesn't fix a broken heart in any way, shape, or form) he sent us to see Dr. Moore at St. Anthony's, and told us we were ready to get pregnant again.
Dr. Moore actually laughed. It wasn't a "haha" laugh; it was an "are you KIDDING?" laugh. She said Dr. Hess just couldn't bear to tell me the truth that I'd never be able to successfully have another child. She gave us information on adoption, and sent us on our way.
I fired Dr. Hess.
My next cardiologist was Dr. Mazei, and I liked him. He wasn't thrilled with my use of acupuncture or nutrition to balance my heart, but he didn't ban it, and he was good with reducing my medication. I felt like under his care, that my heart was the most improved. Unfortunately, we moved to Kentucky, and I had to switch to a very compassionate doctor in Lexington...and then we came back.
I went back to Dr. Mezei.
My OB needed to do my surgery in April, and wouldn't work with Dr. Mazei, since he didn't have privileges at MoBap, and he sent me to Dr. Groll--who was also at Town and Country Cardiovascular.
I had a stress test done in April, and was told I was fine for the surgery....
On 12/3, I went back to Dr. Groll for my bi-annual checkup. I happened to ask him if I could possibly get a letter saying that I was okay, since my life insurance policy is about to run out. First he said, "well, they'll request your records, and you'll be okay...or maybe not....Nope, you're not going to get life insurance."
And this is the part THAT TRULY KILLS ME:
I have a test done IN APRIL. A "chance" question in DECEMBER has the doctor FINALLY read the full report, in which it's revealed that, oops, nope, my heart is anything but "fine," and that my numbers are anything but "normal." I'm not only uninsurable; I am not considered safe to have another child....which is ridiculous, since in September, just 3 months before this, my OB told me that we "ARE TOTALLY READY TO GET PREGNANT." Now, this?
DO DOCTORS EVEN STINKING TALK TO EACH OTHER ANYMORE?!?!?! WHAT IS SO BLEEDING DIFFICULT ABOUT READING A REPORT, AND FAXING IT TO THE REFERRING PHYSICIAN?? WHAT THE HELL IS THE FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE, and WHY WASN'T I TOLD ABOUT THIS?!?!?
To make matters even more confusing, I found out that the main heart medication that I take, that I thought was for my blood pressure, was NOT, so my attempts to wean off of the medication (on my own, which I know is stupid, especially now) was highly dangerous. I wasn't properly educated on that medication, nor on the one that I'm starting today. The one I'm starting today, which says it's for blood pressure, but not in my case, I was informed, is for left ventricular hypertrophy, which means that the muscle of my left ventricle is JACKED UP more than I knew. He topped all of this off by saying, "Well, after everything you've been through, at least you have a beautiful daughter to show for it." REALLY?!?!?!?!?!? READ AN EFFING FILE, YOU IDIOT!
So, my non-compassionate, non-informative, non-communicative cardiologist is fired, and I am so fed up that I don't even give a rat's rear if I find another one. Are they all like this? I mean, this guy's nurse actually called my office out of the blue last week to REMIND me NOT to get pregnant. AS IF I NEEDED THE FREAKIN' REMINDER!!!!!! I think I would have thrown something at her if I could have.
The cardiologist is changing locations next month, which is great. I need a new one, and I'd like someone at Barnes (if we were to get pregnant again, we'd be at Barnes anyways, as they have the highest-level high-risk specialists in St. Louis). I'd like a woman, and more than anything, I'd like a compassionate doctor.
I'd like a cardiologist that's as nice as my boss is to her patients, and since we do it in our office, I don't think that's too much to ask.
I'm sick of doctors, and I'm sick of their "practicing." I need a doctor who remembers my face, who doesn't ask me stupid questions like "how's your daughter" (which every one of my cardiologists has done--read the file, you idiots), and who, at the very least, explains what the heck is going on with my heart, and how they can fix it (and don't tell me it can't be fixed, because that's crap. We can do surgeries on babies in utero, we can do face transplants, and we can clone sheep. Don't tell me you can't fix a jacked-up heart). I want answers, and I'd like to be treated as a person.
If a doctor can't do that, then perhaps they should find a career they are more suited for (cleaning horse stalls comes to mind).
If you know of anyone from Barnes that fits my Wanted description (maybe I should hang up signs), please let me know. It would also be nice to have a doctor that doesn't throw out phrases like "you'd have to abort the fetus to save your life" and other such gems of hope. I need a new cardiologist. Stat, please. :)

So, what's going on?

Recent events have left me speechless, as far as blogging goes. Someone said to me, "I knew something was up--you've been really quiet on Facebook." They're totally right. Needless to say, if you were at church a few weeks ago, you know what's going on...
And you should know that I really don't want to talk about it....
I know I'm usually very open about things, even difficult things, but this goes beyond what I am capable of talking about, and it was never supposed to be made public knowledge (there was a completely unintentional miscommunication; KNOW that there are NO HARD FEELINGS WHATSOEVER, so please don't read into anything),
A very wise person once told me that if I couldn't end a blog on a good note, then I should rethink posting anything in the first place...so I haven't posted anything, because quite frankly, I have nothing good to say.
The "church" answer of having "hope/waiting on God/don't give up" sounds nice and all, but this is my life, and I have lived with all of the above for 4 years. I have been brokenhearted, and come back from it...This time, I am heartsick, literally, and my faith is shaken to its core.
Encouraging words have been spoken, but I am not in a place where I can hear it right now...I feel like I should apologize to anyone who has tried to lift my spirits, because I'm not responding like "normal" Cassidy would...
I am going through the motions.
All I want to do is hide in my Elijah-cave.
I am silent, because even though I want to write, I don't know anyone who would understand what I have to say...The only people I know, who know how I feel, are dead, and I feel so foolish for not asking them how they coped with this, when they had to walk the path that David and I are now on...I miss them, and that doesn't make this any easier.
I'd like to say that this will get better, but at this point, I'm not sure. What I really want to say, I can't, and what I should say, I won't, because it's not right. If you have questions, ask David, because he's capable of polite speech right now (as opposed to emotional babbling/ranting/yelling/bawling).
I will smile. I will tell you I'm fine.
And I will lie.
Because I'm not fine.
I'm heartsick (Hope deferred).

Blank...

Sometimes, I have nothing to say...
Sometimes, I have everything to say,
But none of it is pretty
So I don't want to say anything.
Sometimes, I try to hide,
But this time
Someone called me out.
Now everyone sees
What makes me want to
Run
Away...
What makes me want to
Hide in my
Cave
Made of
Blankets...
For 5 weeks now,
I have watched the world go by
While I remembered
When time
Stopped.
The vortex didn't catch me,
And I was proud
That I put one foot
In front of the other.
October 30th.
November 28th.
December 1st.
The days have blurred together,
And I forgot what day it was,
But December 3rd
Reminded me
And now
I am lost.
I want to blame Him.
I want to take my anger out
At the One Who has given
And has taken away...
He took
Away,
And I am so empty...
I know there is love,
I know He is Love,
But I am
Devastated
And need to make it all
Make SENSE.
It doesn't.
"This is what I want!"
I say to Him;
"This is who I am!
This is who YOU SAID YOU
Created me to be!
AND I AM NOT.
You won't let me."
And like a million women
With empty wombs
who have gone on before me,
I watch the world
Pass
Me
By.
My faith is shaking.
The words "cosmic killjoy"
Ring in my ears, and
I struggle
To remember
The promises
I sing on Sunday morning.
I am not a child
Who didn't get their toy
And is having a fit.
I am a woman
Who has lost herself
And her every heart's desire;
I am a woman
Who remembers joy
That evades her grasp
And drifts on to
Someone else.
I am struggling
To find a way
To be thankful
To be focused
To praise
To breathe
To
Hope...



(Just a sidebar--although I appreciate the words of hope and promise that have been shared with me lately, it doesn't make this hurt any less. I've had 4 years of hopes and promises, with nothing to show for them. It doesn't mean there won't be; but it means there's not, right now. I don't know what the future holds, or where God will take David and I...what I do know, is that I am on my face before Him--mostly because I've been knocked down at the knees--and that I have nowhere else to go. The song that says "I need You, Jesus, to come to my rescue; where else can I go?" could be tattooed across my forehead right now, with how many times it's run through my head. Thank you for your love, and for your prayers...I am hurting. It doesn't mean I give up...but it does mean that I'm laying low. I appreciate the support.)