So, what's going on?

Recent events have left me speechless, as far as blogging goes. Someone said to me, "I knew something was up--you've been really quiet on Facebook." They're totally right. Needless to say, if you were at church a few weeks ago, you know what's going on...
And you should know that I really don't want to talk about it....
I know I'm usually very open about things, even difficult things, but this goes beyond what I am capable of talking about, and it was never supposed to be made public knowledge (there was a completely unintentional miscommunication; KNOW that there are NO HARD FEELINGS WHATSOEVER, so please don't read into anything),
A very wise person once told me that if I couldn't end a blog on a good note, then I should rethink posting anything in the first place...so I haven't posted anything, because quite frankly, I have nothing good to say.
The "church" answer of having "hope/waiting on God/don't give up" sounds nice and all, but this is my life, and I have lived with all of the above for 4 years. I have been brokenhearted, and come back from it...This time, I am heartsick, literally, and my faith is shaken to its core.
Encouraging words have been spoken, but I am not in a place where I can hear it right now...I feel like I should apologize to anyone who has tried to lift my spirits, because I'm not responding like "normal" Cassidy would...
I am going through the motions.
All I want to do is hide in my Elijah-cave.
I am silent, because even though I want to write, I don't know anyone who would understand what I have to say...The only people I know, who know how I feel, are dead, and I feel so foolish for not asking them how they coped with this, when they had to walk the path that David and I are now on...I miss them, and that doesn't make this any easier.
I'd like to say that this will get better, but at this point, I'm not sure. What I really want to say, I can't, and what I should say, I won't, because it's not right. If you have questions, ask David, because he's capable of polite speech right now (as opposed to emotional babbling/ranting/yelling/bawling).
I will smile. I will tell you I'm fine.
And I will lie.
Because I'm not fine.
I'm heartsick (Hope deferred).