Fat?

I don't know WHAT's in the water today, but I think I've cried about 10 times today, and the night is young. It's not over any consistent thing...I'm just emotional, I guess (and don't give me any of that "it must be that time of the month" crap or I WILL cut you!). I think it's the season. Things have touched my heart in crazy ways today, and I'm feeling like a scab got removed, and the new skin is a little bit sensitive.
I passed for 25 twice in the past couple of weeks at work. 25. I was shocked--I blew the first person off (he was a 20-something-year-old guy, after all) but the second person was a thirty-something-year-old woman, so I took her seriously. When another friend of mine commented that he thinks I keep looking younger, a thought suddenly hit me as to why: I don't care as much anymore.
I worry less...yes, I have stress (um, hello? My husband has been out of work for almost a year--that's stress!), and I definitely have worries, but I think I'm getting a better grasp on not taking the mental rabbit trails I used to take, and am not getting quite as worked up over things that I can't change. I'm learning, and these are hard lessons to get.
I'm hitting the gym, and am trying harder to knock this weight off...I still haven't met goal #1, and am stuck in some kind of wretched plateau that has royally ticked me off this weekend. I'm supposed to feel better about myself, but I haven't found that magic self-esteem button yet. I don't like the flab that I have, and want this stuff to GO AWAY faster than it is...cookies are awesome, but crying about belly fat is not, so I'm learning to choose whether to cry now or later. I slid on a pair of regular 14 jeans this weekend (not 14w) and am now 1 size away from my goal of a size 12 (yes, that's my goal, and no, I don't want to be some size 8 stick figure. I have hips, people. I was a 12 in high school, and I'm happy there). However, it doesn't seem to be enough--I can't mentally grasp any sense of achievement with this weight loss, and am having a very difficult time being proud of saying that I've lost almost 40 pounds. I feel like I should look hugely different, and I don't see it; other people do, though, so I am praying for mental breakthrough. I need to learn to appreciate my triumphs (and not just in the weight department) so I can see the victory, even before I've fully achieved it. I want to celebrate while I'm fighting this battle, not just when it's over. That might sound crazy, but I think if I can change my mentality and see myself meeting those goals, I can stop feeling so defeated.
Even with the weight I've lost, I feel like I'm losing this battle, and I can't figure out why...I think I just might struggle with a loser mentality, and that's not how God sees me, so I'm due for a serious attitude adjustment. Maybe that's what I need to jump this last hurdle, and get off of this plateau?
Weight loss is not just about losing weight, and I've said that from the beginning (even though it seems I've temporarily forgotten it, upon looking in the mirror). It's about breaking addictions and getting to the root cause of why one finds solace/celebration/emotional connections with this thing called food. I'm beginning to see it--I mean, you should SEE the food my families lay out for the holidays, or even just for hanging out in general!!! My in-laws had 2--TWO--20 pound turkeys at Thanksgiving!!!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE ON A DIET IN THAT ENVIRONMENT?!?!?!?!? My parents are worse--there were like, 6 different kinds of desserts at our Thanksgiving dinner!!!!! We connect with people when we eat. Every culture makes binding emotional and relational ties over food, and in my family, NONE OF THAT FOOD INVOLVES ANYTHING LESS THAN 1,000 CALORIES! So, it's not just a "loser" mentality. It's knowing that if I don't partake of this spread, I will feel left out, which is something I desperately hate feeling like.
Weight loss is much harder than weight gain. This is a difficult thing--much harder than I'd ever anticipated.
When I meet my goal weight (which apparently will not be as soon as I'd hoped, which makes me feel like a failure, which I'm not...I'm just terribly impatient and I like cookies), I will feel like I have climbed Mount Everest.
When I meet my goal weight, I will look in the mirror and I will cry, because I will know that this has been such a deep journey of physical, emotional, and spiritual growth.
When I meet my goal weight, I will hug my teeny-tiny boss, and I will cry on her shoulder and thank her for the second chance at health that she has given me. I will thank her for believing in me even in the times like now, when I don't think I can do this.
When I meet my goal weight, I will let my husband wrap his arms around me and pick me up (which he already does, but it will be easier), and I will not be embarrassed.
When I meet my goal weight, I will hit my knees and thank God, and I will not feel ashamed of these food-shaped giants in the land that have made me feel like a grasshopper with no strength in Canaan.
When I meet my goal weight, I will buy my first sexy dress, and I will find a place to wear that sucker...I will not cover it up with a coat, with leggings, with a jacket, or with an enormous purse. I will not wear Spanx (you have no idea what a security blanket Spanx are to me. Don't leave home without them!).
When I meet my goal weight, I will post the picture on Facebook and I will smile, instead of posting it and promptly wanting to vomit (like I did today).
I know what you're saying...I can hear you out there, you 1 or 2 people that read this blog. You're saying, "Cassidy, get off of your butt, and do those things NOW!!!" But I can't, and I don't want to, until I can put a stamp on this task and call this thing done (even though I know healthy eating is a life-change, and is never really done).
I HAVE TO FINISH WHAT I HAVE STARTED before I can do any of my "when I's", because those are my rewards, in a sense. I have to do this, and I cannot quit. If I do those things now..If I allow myself to celebrate too soon, I will not discipline myself enough to meet my goals. It just amazes me, 4 1/2 months into this, how deep the supposedly simple process of losing weight takes you. I feel at this point, like I'm just gritting my teeth and hanging on like a bulldog for dear life. At what point do I stop liking food? At what point does it become second nature? Does it ever? What breakthrough do I have to have, to make this thing stick 24/7? Does it ever?
Part of me thinks I need a "fat friend" to do this last stretch with...to work out with, to eat right with, a kind of accountability partner. My problem is that I usually instigate and cause other people to fall off of the wagon with me, rather than cause them to jump on the wagon with me (at least, that's my experience with shopping:). Part of me knows I have to do this on my own, and that's the part I'm going with...although, now that I type this out, I know that I'm never on my own. Jesus is right there with me, and my Bible says there's no temptation I am going through, that He hasn't experienced. Guess I never thought about Him understanding the ups and downs of fat-ness. Hmm--interesting point.
So, here I am. 4 1/2 months into this weight-loss thing, and I'm stuck. I'm hoping that in the next few weeks, I jump this plateau and start seeing some quicker weight loss (or at least, a bit less roly-poly-ness!). I am praying for the mental block to lift off, and for a fuller revelation of God's love for me. Knowing that He loves me the way I am--that He loves you the way you are--is not a license to chow down; rather, it's a license to know I have the strength to be a better steward of this body He gave me. His love is always a license to know we have the strength to be..to BE, and to BE to it's fullest extent.
I'm going to go think about that a little bit more...at the gym.

Christmas thoughts...

Man...I'm like a kid in a candy store this time of the year...literally. Mom and I baked 9 different kinds of cookies last weekend, and I did not keep my hand out of the cookie jar!!! SO BAD!!!! I'm making up for it this week; I took the plunge and joined a gym (24-Hour Fitness), and am back into my schedule of hitting the elliptical. My weight loss had kind of paused, but it has picked back up again, in spite of the cookie-a-thon! I love Christmas!
This season seems like so much fun! I'm back to my yearly Christmas-music obsession; I currently have somewhere around 900 Christmas songs in my computer, and have them on continual rotation. I think that Straight No Chaser is my favorite band this season; I guess I have a soft spot for acapella music! I'm driving David crazy, but that's not exclusive to the season!
There's a certain longing that hits pretty hard at Christmas...little girls in pretty dresses on Santa's lap, make me wonder what Hannah would have been like this time of the year. I decided in 2007 that I would pay special attention to things I could do at Christmas that would not only honor Hannah's memory, but would also keep my focus on the true Reason for this season, as opposed to focusing on what I'm missing in my life.
I've kinda made a commitment to do random acts of kindness (RAK). Without going into detail, it's been fun to be a secret blessing to people! I haven't told anyone I know about what I'm up to...part of the fun of it is keeping my mouth shut, and knowing that it's between me and God. You never know when a RAK is going to have a serious impact, and I encourage you to try something crazy to bless someone! In fact, someone from my office told me about someone else who's been doing random acts of kindness for her, and how it's changed her Christmas season. I didn't do this...but I think I'm going to try it in the future. Here's her story:
This middle-aged woman has a teenage daughter; her husband died unexpectedly earlier this year. I don't know the details of his death, but I do know that she thought he was perfectly healthy, so his death at such a young age was a huge shock. She's struggled...life after losing a spouse is dramatically different. She lost her best friend, not to mention the family breadwinner, in a tough economy. Insurance details, bills, the financial stress--it was overwhelming for this family. This first Christmas without a husband and father loomed on the horizon, a bleak day of sadness that would in no way compare to the happy Christmases past. Just few days ago, however, a Random Act of Kindness changed the pall over the household. Someone known only as the "Christmas Angel" has been ringing their doorbell, leaving them little gifts on each of the 12 Days of Christmas: 2 Snazzy Snowmen (mugs with cocoa), A Partridge in a Pear Tree (a star ornament). Little gifts, yes...but this family who could only focus on what they were missing, has now had their focus shifted, and now look forward to their mysterious visitor and a ringing doorbell. This "Christmas Angel" has made these two ladies smile during a time of great sadness.
That's a Random Act of Kindness, folks. Someone is so thoughtful to these girls; someone has no idea that this woman is so touched that she was crying as she told me about the little gifts today. What a blessing--whoever that "Christmas Angel" is, I pray that they are mightily blessed, because this woman and her daughter are seeing a new meaning to Christmas. They know that there is hope, that they are smiling and will smile again...they know that Christmas this year, though sad, points to better Christmases down the road. All because of a Random Act of Kindness.
Be brave. Do something crazy. Help the guy on the side of the road...help a person in a wheelchair get through a door (it's harder than you think!). Help a child get their coat on when their mother has her hands full. Remember the widows this time of the year...remember the people who lost someone they loved, this Christmas.
Be a "Christmas Angel" to someone you don't know, and keep it between you and God. You'll be amazed at how blessed you are in your heart, just by knowing you made someone's day a little brighter, a little easier. It doesn't take long, and it can affect eternity.
If I don't get on here any earlier, have a Merry Christmas! Take the time to check out the local plays and the Christmas lights; my favs are Our Lady of the Snows, Tilles Park, and the Christmas Eve service at Life Christian Center. Enjoy your loved ones, have some cookies, hit the gym (LOL), and remember why we celebrate this time in the first place!
Merry Christmas, readers. You make me smile, and you encourage me to not only seek the face of God...you challenge me to sit on His lap! Love and blessings to you!

Prophecy, transparency, and duct tape...

Growing up in a charismatic church had a huge effect on my life. There wasn't a lot that I didn't see, during that time; after all, it was a time in which people were getting knocked-out cold in the Spirit on a regular basis. By the time I was 14, seeing someone fly through the air under the power of God was a regular occurrence for me. I was used to it, and perhaps, a bit jaded, religious, and arrogant, because of it (gee, look how spiritual I am!!!).
I grew up in one of the coolest youth groups in the country. Our youth minister was a silver-tongued biblical GENIUS, who managed to combine serving God with looking cool. He ignited such a passion for God in me, that it made me able to handle the junk I received at school for believing in the crazy things I believed in.
I went to Christian high school, but really felt ostracized, as one of the only charismatics there. It was MUCH worse in college, and I learned to shut my mouth more than I should have. Amazing, how we as Christians, do more to kill each other spiritually than the world would ever need to do...
But, I digress...
I believe in a God Who's crazy. A God Who will literally knock you on your butt to show you that He's trying to talk to you...a Father Who loves you enough to tell you "no" sometimes...that's the best way I know of, how to put it. I also know that I try my hardest to hide my "secret" sins from Him, and after seeing people in the church get exposed for activities they tried to keep silent, I've become REALLY afraid of prophets, going forward for prayer, and people that I KNOW are hearing from Him...Not that I don't think God knows...I just don't want anyone else to know! (Oh, admit it--you get just as freaked out as I do; I'm just publishing it. Don't judge! :)
I still go to a charismatic church, and yes, for all of you pseudo-nitwits who have to ask, I believe in speaking in tongues, prophecy, miracles, and all of that other good stuff. 4 years in a Spirit-squishing college couldn't take that away from me (I know that's harsh, but seriously. Looking back, how and why did I not stand up more for what I truly believed in? Maybe that's why I got so lost, in college, that I almost didn't find my way back. I felt so scared about what others believed or thought of me, that I forgot my roots, and who I really was. Hmm.). I don't believe that God boxes Himself up to what we think He should be, to what fits in our god-box. He does more, is more, and is capable of so much more than our little brains can handle, so who are we, to say what He will and will not use or do?
Anyways, in my little charismatic church, the word "prophecy" gets used a lot. People are so anxious to hear from God, and we have several people that scour the internet looking for what God is saying to people, in this day and age...what is His will? Where do we go from here? We are looking for direction and answers from Him, that are pertinent to this day, to where the church is now. Because of that, I've noticed myself slipping back into some old habits where prophecy is concerned. I figure I can't be the only one; so, maybe my transparency will help someone else. I'm hoping that no one reads this and is offended--if you are, well, tell me about it. Teach me. 'Cause I have a lot to learn, and I'm not the only one.

When I was a teenager, a prominent evangelist came to my church (not the one I'm at now). A huge revival broke out, and it was ridiculous! People were getting words from the Holy Spirit, to share verbally in the church--something I think people said were prophecies, but I don't think so. I think there's a difference, between a Word of Knowledge, and a Prophecy. Both have a recurrent theme: Get it right, get right; serve God, give Him glory, seek His face. But, Words of Knowledge are those things which shine light on the dark places; sometimes, the dark places we're trying to hide. People were getting called out, and not always in a bad way--the Holy Spirit was also encouraging people with things only they knew about, and not the person praying for them.
I, for one, am terrified of those Words of Knowledge...I just know that one of these days, all of the stuff in the closet is going to come crashing down on me!!!! Thus, all the more reason to deal with it here at home, privately, so as to keep it from being turned out in the open.
Prophecy is different. Words of Knowledge seem meant to correct, to encourage, to bolster and increase your passion. They're individual. I think sometimes, when people say they want to hear a prophecy, what they're really wanting is that Word of Knowledge. They want to hear from God, something that directly affects their individual life. The danger there, is that we find ourselves looking for those Words of Knowledge like they're some kind of theological Magic 8 Ball. We look at both Prophecy and Words of Knowledge, like we're expecting God to go all psychic and stuff on us, and give us our reading for the day. That's not what it's for. Again, Words of Knowledge are not meant to give us our psychic fix--they're meant to correct, encourage, and revive us.
Prophecy, however, is meant for the Body of Christ, as a whole. I'm sitting here with my super-spiritual Nave's Topical Bible (LOL!), and I've got the section on prophecy in front of me. Check it out--the prophecies in the Bible mostly deal with Jesus, in one form or another. Prophecies have a focus on wide audiences. Words of Knowledge focus on the individual. Prophecies before Christ all point to His coming; prophecies after His birth point to His return. I like this one, as I'm looking at these Scriptures: Amos 3:1 (CEV)says "Listen to this message that the Lord has spoken against you, O people of Israel and Judah (note: prophecy addressed to a LARGE body)--the entire family I rescued from Egypt."...v. 7 (NIV)says "Surely the Sovereign Lord does nothing without revealing His plan to His servants, the prophets." Prophecies to the church body today all point to His return, and to what we as a BODY need to do to get ready. The prophecies to the Israelites were meant to get them in shape, get them to the place where they recognized their Messiah. They missed the boat--and so will we, if we don't listen to the prophets of today.
So, I've found that any time someone in the church uses the word "prophecy" that I'm scared. I'm worried that some huge lightning-bolt-shaped flame is going to come down from Heaven and point out my flaws, leaving me exposed for what and who I really am ("smite button " on the big mess, LOL). I always try to duck my head down when people either prophesy or have those Words..why does it feel like such a hammer? I mean, if I acted like what I say I believe, I'd have nothing to hide, right?
I know what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of the will of God, afraid that He will cause me to have to speak, afraid that someone will figure me out and call me on the carpet for keeping my mouth shut. Part of me wants it to happen--part of me wants someone to grab my hand and look me in the eye, and say "Cassidy, what are you not saying?!? Why are you of all people, silent?" I open my mouth for the dumbest things, but not the things I know God is telling me to live and say...and I know I'm not the only one.
Be ready.
Because when God calls on you, when He calls your name and tells you to take a stand, you'd better do it. If you don't, you find yourself in this boat that I've been sitting in for 15 years--this feeling of having your mouth duct-taped shut, this feeling that you're missing the boat you're supposed to be on. You feel like you're missing your freedom...that you've traded in His approval for the struggle of man's approval.
You feel like you're living in fear..sadness...separation from God, even as you say that you love Him.
And it sucks.
Because now that I'm getting that revelation, I'm seeing that it's no one's fault but my own. Not my parents, not their rules, not my school, not my job--My fault. It's my fault that I'm afraid of the Words of Knowledge (especially when I already know what He'd say if He sent someone to me to say it), that the word "prophecy" bugs me so much. I know what He's saying...I know what's coming. I know that even though it makes me sound crazy to the average person, I don't care--He's coming back, and it's sooner that you'd think. I am not ready, no matter what I may say when I put on my "hallelujah" face! It's my fault that I'm afraid of the revelation from God...that I'm afraid of His love.
This fear and fault that I'm feeling is taken to a level I know it shouldn't be...the gentle conviction of the Spirit has been replaced by condemnation by the enemy, and it holds me back. It's duct tape, and no, duct tape doesn't fix everything. Sometimes it causes you to be held down to something you were never meant to be held down to.
I think it's time to take the duct tape off.
I don't know what convinced me to put this online. Maybe I'm hoping that my rambling is so long that no one will actually read this whole thing, and I'll get away with it. I don't know. What I do know, is that I'm finding myself at a point where I have to choose...seek Him first, or continue on my "merry" way? Be miserable, or take some steps into the Great Unknown? My pastor's wife made a huge point today: When faced with crossing the River Jordan (Joshua 3), the Israelites had to first put their foot down into the water, before it actually parted for them to walk through. Something tells me that if I just get my feet wet in the right direction, it will be okay. I'm terrified to get my feet wet. Sometimes, miserable and familiar seems better than unknown territory.
And, I think I've taken digressing to an extreme at this point, so that's all I got right now. Prophecy vs. Words of Knowledge, Transparency, and Duct Tape. I don't think I'm finished with this one, yet...

"Distance"

The distance
Between us
What it is,
What it was,
What it should
And shouldn’t be
Threatens me
Threatens to tear down
The façade I’ve
Painted on…
This isn’t what I thought
It would be…
I’m not where I thought
I would be…
Can I stop the spinning
World in its orbit
Until I can find my
Bearings, again?
Where did I go?
And who is this staring
Back at me?
I see shards and pieces
That remind me
You are there…
The big picture
Still eludes me
And I find myself
Wandering…
Wondering…
Does it matter?
And why do I care
What anyone else thinks of
Me?
Sometimes it’s easier
To disappear
In the world in my head,
But my heart pulls me back
To the reality
You’ve given me…
Can I give some of it back?
It’s too heavy to face on my own,
When I feel
So alone…
I know
You’re there,
But sometimes
I get so focused on
What I’m missing
That I don’t see
You
Looking back at me,
Down on me,
Over me,
All around me,
You’re there…
And I can put
One foot
In front of
The other
Again…
Each step takes me
Closer
To
You…
The distance
Between us
What it is,
What it was,
What it should
Be…