Fat?

I don't know WHAT's in the water today, but I think I've cried about 10 times today, and the night is young. It's not over any consistent thing...I'm just emotional, I guess (and don't give me any of that "it must be that time of the month" crap or I WILL cut you!). I think it's the season. Things have touched my heart in crazy ways today, and I'm feeling like a scab got removed, and the new skin is a little bit sensitive.
I passed for 25 twice in the past couple of weeks at work. 25. I was shocked--I blew the first person off (he was a 20-something-year-old guy, after all) but the second person was a thirty-something-year-old woman, so I took her seriously. When another friend of mine commented that he thinks I keep looking younger, a thought suddenly hit me as to why: I don't care as much anymore.
I worry less...yes, I have stress (um, hello? My husband has been out of work for almost a year--that's stress!), and I definitely have worries, but I think I'm getting a better grasp on not taking the mental rabbit trails I used to take, and am not getting quite as worked up over things that I can't change. I'm learning, and these are hard lessons to get.
I'm hitting the gym, and am trying harder to knock this weight off...I still haven't met goal #1, and am stuck in some kind of wretched plateau that has royally ticked me off this weekend. I'm supposed to feel better about myself, but I haven't found that magic self-esteem button yet. I don't like the flab that I have, and want this stuff to GO AWAY faster than it is...cookies are awesome, but crying about belly fat is not, so I'm learning to choose whether to cry now or later. I slid on a pair of regular 14 jeans this weekend (not 14w) and am now 1 size away from my goal of a size 12 (yes, that's my goal, and no, I don't want to be some size 8 stick figure. I have hips, people. I was a 12 in high school, and I'm happy there). However, it doesn't seem to be enough--I can't mentally grasp any sense of achievement with this weight loss, and am having a very difficult time being proud of saying that I've lost almost 40 pounds. I feel like I should look hugely different, and I don't see it; other people do, though, so I am praying for mental breakthrough. I need to learn to appreciate my triumphs (and not just in the weight department) so I can see the victory, even before I've fully achieved it. I want to celebrate while I'm fighting this battle, not just when it's over. That might sound crazy, but I think if I can change my mentality and see myself meeting those goals, I can stop feeling so defeated.
Even with the weight I've lost, I feel like I'm losing this battle, and I can't figure out why...I think I just might struggle with a loser mentality, and that's not how God sees me, so I'm due for a serious attitude adjustment. Maybe that's what I need to jump this last hurdle, and get off of this plateau?
Weight loss is not just about losing weight, and I've said that from the beginning (even though it seems I've temporarily forgotten it, upon looking in the mirror). It's about breaking addictions and getting to the root cause of why one finds solace/celebration/emotional connections with this thing called food. I'm beginning to see it--I mean, you should SEE the food my families lay out for the holidays, or even just for hanging out in general!!! My in-laws had 2--TWO--20 pound turkeys at Thanksgiving!!!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE ON A DIET IN THAT ENVIRONMENT?!?!?!?!? My parents are worse--there were like, 6 different kinds of desserts at our Thanksgiving dinner!!!!! We connect with people when we eat. Every culture makes binding emotional and relational ties over food, and in my family, NONE OF THAT FOOD INVOLVES ANYTHING LESS THAN 1,000 CALORIES! So, it's not just a "loser" mentality. It's knowing that if I don't partake of this spread, I will feel left out, which is something I desperately hate feeling like.
Weight loss is much harder than weight gain. This is a difficult thing--much harder than I'd ever anticipated.
When I meet my goal weight (which apparently will not be as soon as I'd hoped, which makes me feel like a failure, which I'm not...I'm just terribly impatient and I like cookies), I will feel like I have climbed Mount Everest.
When I meet my goal weight, I will look in the mirror and I will cry, because I will know that this has been such a deep journey of physical, emotional, and spiritual growth.
When I meet my goal weight, I will hug my teeny-tiny boss, and I will cry on her shoulder and thank her for the second chance at health that she has given me. I will thank her for believing in me even in the times like now, when I don't think I can do this.
When I meet my goal weight, I will let my husband wrap his arms around me and pick me up (which he already does, but it will be easier), and I will not be embarrassed.
When I meet my goal weight, I will hit my knees and thank God, and I will not feel ashamed of these food-shaped giants in the land that have made me feel like a grasshopper with no strength in Canaan.
When I meet my goal weight, I will buy my first sexy dress, and I will find a place to wear that sucker...I will not cover it up with a coat, with leggings, with a jacket, or with an enormous purse. I will not wear Spanx (you have no idea what a security blanket Spanx are to me. Don't leave home without them!).
When I meet my goal weight, I will post the picture on Facebook and I will smile, instead of posting it and promptly wanting to vomit (like I did today).
I know what you're saying...I can hear you out there, you 1 or 2 people that read this blog. You're saying, "Cassidy, get off of your butt, and do those things NOW!!!" But I can't, and I don't want to, until I can put a stamp on this task and call this thing done (even though I know healthy eating is a life-change, and is never really done).
I HAVE TO FINISH WHAT I HAVE STARTED before I can do any of my "when I's", because those are my rewards, in a sense. I have to do this, and I cannot quit. If I do those things now..If I allow myself to celebrate too soon, I will not discipline myself enough to meet my goals. It just amazes me, 4 1/2 months into this, how deep the supposedly simple process of losing weight takes you. I feel at this point, like I'm just gritting my teeth and hanging on like a bulldog for dear life. At what point do I stop liking food? At what point does it become second nature? Does it ever? What breakthrough do I have to have, to make this thing stick 24/7? Does it ever?
Part of me thinks I need a "fat friend" to do this last stretch with...to work out with, to eat right with, a kind of accountability partner. My problem is that I usually instigate and cause other people to fall off of the wagon with me, rather than cause them to jump on the wagon with me (at least, that's my experience with shopping:). Part of me knows I have to do this on my own, and that's the part I'm going with...although, now that I type this out, I know that I'm never on my own. Jesus is right there with me, and my Bible says there's no temptation I am going through, that He hasn't experienced. Guess I never thought about Him understanding the ups and downs of fat-ness. Hmm--interesting point.
So, here I am. 4 1/2 months into this weight-loss thing, and I'm stuck. I'm hoping that in the next few weeks, I jump this plateau and start seeing some quicker weight loss (or at least, a bit less roly-poly-ness!). I am praying for the mental block to lift off, and for a fuller revelation of God's love for me. Knowing that He loves me the way I am--that He loves you the way you are--is not a license to chow down; rather, it's a license to know I have the strength to be a better steward of this body He gave me. His love is always a license to know we have the strength to be..to BE, and to BE to it's fullest extent.
I'm going to go think about that a little bit more...at the gym.