There are no New Year’s Resolutions in the Cooley household.
There are thoughts, sure—like, are we ever going to lose
weight or actually work out?—that are generally followed with “Dear LORD, where
would we EVER find the time?!?”
There are hopes—“I can resist raiding the box of cookies!”—followed
by “Where are the $%*(% cookies!!!?????”—followed by guilt-wracked wails of “Why
did I buy the %*(%* cookies?!?!?”
There are dreams—“I’m keeping those jeans—I may fit back
into them someday!”—followed by the handing of said jeans over to my mother,
because I’ve just ripped them, and I don’t know how to sew.
But really?
I’m struggling with self-acceptance.
I’m struggling with not caring about my weight anymore.
I’m struggling with just giving up…
But maybe that’s where I need to be?
All of that aside (and that’s a LOT), there are just no
resolutions in our household. I’m not promising to get anything done. David and
I are trying to re-organize some things (our little house was just fine for the
two of us, but with an increasingly-mobile little one, we have to move some
furniture around!), and we’re learning about what life with a soon-to-be
toddler means.
It means smiles and tears…new discoveries (toilets are
AWESOME drums!)…It means falls, and learning to climb over everything (before
he’s walking, he’s climbing everywhere. Nothing is safe). It means learning new
words (mostly that Mommy says “no!” a lot!!!), and making new sounds.
It means that everything is new for JD…and everything is new
for me. Everything is new for this Mommy role that I’ve stepped into, that I’ve
dreamt about my entire life.
JD breaks every barricade that I set up for him—is this
indicative of his personality later on? Will he be my boundary pusher? Will I
have the patience for it, or will I throw up my hands in frustration? Will I be
the kind of parent that learns to channel that risk-taking into Kingdom living?
I take everything so seriously—shouldn’t I?
That’s not to say that I don’t have some fun with it—my little
guy is a riot. Nothing’s funnier than his laugh, and nothing makes stop in my
tracks and praise God, like hearing it come from that sweet soul. He’s
hilarious, he’s challenging, he’s everything I’ve ever hoped for!!!!!
He has 7 teeth, and they were hard-fought battles. Going to
sleep is a challenge in his crib; I’ve spent a few nights crying to my husband
that I’m afraid he’s going to think I’m a terrible mommy for abandoning him in
the nursery I tried so hard to make inviting. It’s getting better…but I’m not
going to lie: When he starts crying at 2:30 in the morning, I go and get him. I
bring him to bed, where he lays on my arm and snuggles…and I feel complete,
with my little family snuggled under the covers (Holly is on the floor—but she’s
in the room, so she counts).
These are the happiest days of my life.
I do the most writing when I’m struggling, and when I need
to vent….but I don’t really want to vent. The times I’ve needed to blow off
some steam have been unprintable; even though there are areas I’m struggling
in, they’re nothing new, and it all feels redundant. Yep—we’re still broke. Yep—I’m
still a working mom (although I had a PHENOMENAL holiday break). Yep—I’m still
fat. The things I typically complain about haven’t changed, so why bother? Every day is a trial of finding ways to
improve various situations.
My biggest struggles have been with anxiety and fear….again, something that just hasn't changed.
Someday, fear
will die, and anxiety will go away. I hope it happens for me in this
lifetime, because when it gets out of control, it robs me of the
happiness I've been given.
I worry that if
anything happened to me, does David know that I love him more than life itself?
Does Jericho know that there is nothing I wouldn’t do for him, to see him have
his very best life? Does my family know how much I thank God for them, for
their love and support? Do they know I couldn’t breathe without them?
Have I said the things I need to, to the people I need to
say them to? I hope so.
Life is short, but love is long. And the love that I pour
into today will make an eternal impact for someone…
Maybe that’s my New Year’s Resolution: To tell the people I
love every day, that I love them with all of my heart. To make sure I don’t go
to sleep without thanking God for putting them into my life. To make sure that
above all, Jesus knows that I cannot live my life without knowing He is the
Reason and the Center of it all, in spite of my fears and failures.
The things that need to change, will change on their own.
Our finances will eventually get figured out; I will eventually get my weight
under control. These are not things I should waste my time worrying about—really,
I’m done. It’s exhausting, worrying about all of this crap. That’s not to say I’m
having a free-for-all; I just don’t want to stress over it anymore. And for the
love of God, if one more person trolls my Facebook site with weight-loss
information, I’m going to smack them in the face with a bag of Oreos!!!!!
I just want to love my son and my husband. I want to enjoy
my life, and close my eyes at the end of the day, knowing that I’ve done just
that. And I do.
I like my life.
Can I stay in this moment forever?
