I spent some time as a teenager going on various mission trips with an amazing youth group. The running joke amongst all of the trips, was "Hurry up and wait!" It seemed like everywhere we went, no matter how hard we tried to stay on time, no one else could be bothered with something as simple as punctuality.
(My neuroses with punctuality is a whole 'nother blog. Get me started on the subject, and you may walk away with your eyebrows singed.)
We would hustle and bustle to get our group together, we'd get to our destination, and then...we...would...wait...a...really...long...time...before...anything...would...happen.....
Sigh.
"Hurry up, and wait."
It's been a long time since I've been on the mission field. I can't say that I miss the spiders, sleeping on concrete, or eating unidentifiable foods; I can most definitely say that I miss seeing other cultures, and their reactions to receiving the Gospel. We're so calloused here in the States...Other countries, it's almost like you can see a wave of peace wash over their faces. The transformation is visible in places that are open to the supernatural. Anyone who has been to a third world country knows what I'm saying--for some reason, nations that live in poverty receive the truth of the spiritual so much more quickly than those of us who are drowning in materialism. We think we can do everything ourselves--they KNOW they need help, and aren't afraid to accept it.
Doing the small amount of mission work that I did, taught me a lot. But, I have to say, the concept of "hurry up and wait" has probably been the one that's stuck with me the most.
Women that hope and dream of having a child are fighting a near-constant battle that is so personal, they rarely want to talk about it. I actually don't want to talk about it (yet it's AMAZING how many people ask me that persistent question--as if it wasn't a theme running through my head). However, it's the end of the year--what I thought was supposed to be MY YEAR, and there is no little one in my arms. I find myself teetering on a ledge that I've been trying to ignore all year long.
"Hurry up..and wait."
We were given the "all-clear" in April. I finally have the team of specialists I'll need, and the answers I was missing. The right tests were finally ordered, and the results were conclusive: I have a blood disorder called "antiphospholipid antibody syndrome." It's only an issue during pregnancy; it's treatable, and it's why my heart when wonky (scientific term) in 2006. I have the right doctors to treat it, the right medications to counter it, and all we do now, is wait...
Waiting on God can be so annoying (she laughs)...We've had this conversation before. David and I have discussed both natural birth, and adoption, with both options being open. We're both in "wait and see" mode. Yep--we spent 5 years waiting for answers, we finally got them, and now...we...wait...
I'm not known for being a patient woman.
The monthly struggle that women in this stage go through...waiting...anticipation...disappointment...waiting some more...anticipation...disappointment...It's this crazy cycle that I don't think that guys understand. Once a month, our body does this ridiculous circus that pains us physically and emotionally, and after a certain point, spiritually. Like, my flesh tells me I should be aggravated with God because there's no baby yet. "Darn it, haven't I been through enough? When is it my turn--I mean, I'm not getting any younger!!! I've waited long enough!" There's the counter-conversation: "It's not in His timing yet. I'm not risking anything because I wasn't patient enough for the Lord. This is in His hands. The only thing I can do is trust, pray, and wait."
"I'm Waiting!!!" (Princess Bride reference: 200 points!)
Grown-Up Cassidy is winning the conversation at the moment, although my inpatient alter-ego makes an appearance at least once a month. If it wasn't for the amazing faith of my rock-solid husband, I think that I'd be tearing my hair out.
This whole cycle that women go through--I've only been going through it for 6 months. There are women who go through this for 10-15 years. I don't understand how they do it. It's a roller-coaster, and it's difficult. Guys don't really have a grasp on the intricacies of the physical/emotional/spiritual craziness that we go through, but they do have to endure our flux of states. I have to give them some credit for going through it vicariously. It's a delicate waiting game. I frequently find myself wondering what in the world is wrong with me, questioning God, feeling defective--it affects so much of your heart and your life.
So, we wait...
It's exhausting, to sit and wait for what feels like ages...to be so close, but to not be able to catch the prize at the end. If people knew how many times a day I pray for the little one that I truly believe is on the way--they'd think I was crazy. I pray for the small one...I pray for David, for strength...I pray for me, physically and spiritually...I pray for my family, because I know they're terrified that we could go through that valley again...
Most of all, I pray for God's timing. Anything done outside of Him--even this--is not worth doing. I stand on that--on knowing that more than anything, this is in Him. I had hoped that 2011 would be our year for Baby, but it has turned out to be a year of answers, and of change...so...I am not going to look at this as a disappointment. If it wasn't for the answers we were given in April, I wouldn't have the hope that keeps that fire lit.
We will wait.
We will pray.
We will love.
And we will wait some more...
Until He says "It's time."
Which could be any day now...(she laughs!) (No, really, Lord! Any day now!)
:)
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
The Merry Christmas Blog...
(Pardon any typos--I'm posting this off of a pdf, which I'm still figuring out how to maneuver. :))
I always love getting those interesting letters from other families, this time of the year, to update us on the adventures of the people that we know. I rarely write one myself, because frankly, I don't think we're all that fascinating. We're just two people--and a dog-that are finding their way through life.
Then again....
Maybe things aren't as mundane as I think they sound.
I heard a song this year by some 'tweener band that contained lyrics they were no doubt too young to fully comprehend: "We all have a story to tell."
Everyone is interesting.
Our story might be kind of cool, but YOUR story is probably awesome. By the time all's been told, to see how the hand of God has touched all of our lives, is a common ground that we can share. "We all have a story to tell.” It’s true.
The retelling of childhood incidents is pure entertainment. I'm fortunate enough that I have both of my parents, my sisters, and my brother, and even my biological dad. David has both of his parents and all of his siblings, too (although he's lacking the fascinating hybrid of steps-and-bios that I have), and we
get together with all of them that we can, this time of the year. There are so many funny stories with my mom and dad-they're passionate people. No emotion in my household was ever expressed halfway (must be where I get it©). I can see the good and the bad in that. Fortunately, in my adult life, I appreciate the good in it more than anything else. Any joy that we celebrate, any loss that we mourn, has been centered around the love of God. That’s the greatest gift my family, and that David's family, has given us: They've shown us Jesus.
Life experiences have taken the childhood stories of Christmas and forged them into our hearts. Even as a kid, I knew the things I was reading in the Bible were not a fairy tale-1 was raised to believe in the Word as truth. There is no story greater than the one we celebrate this time of the year...Every story in our lives that we tell, comes back to This Story...A Virgin (a teenager!), a brave and faithful betrothed, angels that bear no resemblance to a Precious Moments figurine, a journey, a wicked king...a miraculous birth in a stagnant dirt-heap of a barn...The Greatest in Heaven and Earth, condensed into the
tiniest and most helpless of beings...
All of history revolves around This Story...
The Nativity scene in my parents' home is a little bit avant garde...I'm pretty sure there were no penguins in the manger, but they find their way into the barn every year. The Nativity set in my house is a tiny glass set that belonged to my late step-mother, and it stays up year-round. I've seen Nativities made of Looney Tunes characters, VeggieTales, Boyd's Bears, and just about every Enesco figurine you can think of. I'm not sure of the "proper-ness" of these renditions, but I don't really think it matters.
The time of year for our Christmas celebration, is off...our calendar is Constantinian (or something like that) and twisted with pagan religions...the tree is a pagan altar, the globes on the tree mimic Egyptian celebrations of the sun gods... Every celebration or tradition that we hold dear can be twisted into representing something we don't want it to represent. Even Christians attack various Christmas traditions for one kind of reason or another. WHAT. EVER. It’s a time that the whole world, sets apart to celebrate The Story.
This Story-A Savior Who came to this ridiculous earth, in the most undignified method possible-This Story, these facts. are the heart and soul of the salvation of man. This Jesus, this Messiah-He holds our broken hearts in the very palm of His hand, and He makes us new again by grace...Amazing, uncomprehendable Grace.
That’s what makes every story interesting.
We're two people--and a dog--who have been knocked senseless by Grace. We mess up; we fall down. He picks us back up and cleans us off by Grace. This is why we worship, this is why we sing-this is why we breathe. Grace.
This Christmas, that’s our prayer for ourselves, and for you: That you would be met face-to-face by Grace, and by the love of Jesus. That we would all understand just a glimpse of why He is worthy of whatever sacrifice He asks...that He is holy, and that He is trustworthy. That’s a lot.
2011 has been an interesting year. Things I thought I would see happen, haven't happened...so, we wait. David and I are both gainfully employed (for which we are INFINITELY grateful); he, at Convergys, and myself, at the University of Missouri-St. Louis. I am hoping to go back to school in 2012; we'll see where God takes us. Holly the Boxer continues to keep us entertained, in spite of mysterious back injury. It’s the three of us, the day-in-day-out routine, and the little things in life that never let it get boring. ©
I continue to attempt my takeover of social media, on Twitter and Facebook...@CassidyCooley. If you've found me, then you know I tell most of my life updates on there, as opposed to on actual non-environmentally-friendly paper products (because as you can tell, if I wrote on REAL paper, I'd kill a lot of trees}. Life is...life, and it doesn't stop. Fortunately, neither does Grace.
'Merry Christmas to you, friends and family. May we all run headlong into the Amazing Grace of our Savior this Season...may 2012 find us knocked
senseless by a Love we simply cannot comprehend...While the world goes crazy, may we all find a Peace that others find unreasonable...and may we all be given the chance to explain where that Peace comes from....
Merry Christmas, y'all...
Love, David and Cassidy Cooley
And of course,
Holly the Boxer
I always love getting those interesting letters from other families, this time of the year, to update us on the adventures of the people that we know. I rarely write one myself, because frankly, I don't think we're all that fascinating. We're just two people--and a dog-that are finding their way through life.
Then again....
Maybe things aren't as mundane as I think they sound.
I heard a song this year by some 'tweener band that contained lyrics they were no doubt too young to fully comprehend: "We all have a story to tell."
Everyone is interesting.
Our story might be kind of cool, but YOUR story is probably awesome. By the time all's been told, to see how the hand of God has touched all of our lives, is a common ground that we can share. "We all have a story to tell.” It’s true.
The retelling of childhood incidents is pure entertainment. I'm fortunate enough that I have both of my parents, my sisters, and my brother, and even my biological dad. David has both of his parents and all of his siblings, too (although he's lacking the fascinating hybrid of steps-and-bios that I have), and we
get together with all of them that we can, this time of the year. There are so many funny stories with my mom and dad-they're passionate people. No emotion in my household was ever expressed halfway (must be where I get it©). I can see the good and the bad in that. Fortunately, in my adult life, I appreciate the good in it more than anything else. Any joy that we celebrate, any loss that we mourn, has been centered around the love of God. That’s the greatest gift my family, and that David's family, has given us: They've shown us Jesus.
Life experiences have taken the childhood stories of Christmas and forged them into our hearts. Even as a kid, I knew the things I was reading in the Bible were not a fairy tale-1 was raised to believe in the Word as truth. There is no story greater than the one we celebrate this time of the year...Every story in our lives that we tell, comes back to This Story...A Virgin (a teenager!), a brave and faithful betrothed, angels that bear no resemblance to a Precious Moments figurine, a journey, a wicked king...a miraculous birth in a stagnant dirt-heap of a barn...The Greatest in Heaven and Earth, condensed into the
tiniest and most helpless of beings...
All of history revolves around This Story...
The Nativity scene in my parents' home is a little bit avant garde...I'm pretty sure there were no penguins in the manger, but they find their way into the barn every year. The Nativity set in my house is a tiny glass set that belonged to my late step-mother, and it stays up year-round. I've seen Nativities made of Looney Tunes characters, VeggieTales, Boyd's Bears, and just about every Enesco figurine you can think of. I'm not sure of the "proper-ness" of these renditions, but I don't really think it matters.
The time of year for our Christmas celebration, is off...our calendar is Constantinian (or something like that) and twisted with pagan religions...the tree is a pagan altar, the globes on the tree mimic Egyptian celebrations of the sun gods... Every celebration or tradition that we hold dear can be twisted into representing something we don't want it to represent. Even Christians attack various Christmas traditions for one kind of reason or another. WHAT. EVER. It’s a time that the whole world, sets apart to celebrate The Story.
This Story-A Savior Who came to this ridiculous earth, in the most undignified method possible-This Story, these facts. are the heart and soul of the salvation of man. This Jesus, this Messiah-He holds our broken hearts in the very palm of His hand, and He makes us new again by grace...Amazing, uncomprehendable Grace.
That’s what makes every story interesting.
We're two people--and a dog--who have been knocked senseless by Grace. We mess up; we fall down. He picks us back up and cleans us off by Grace. This is why we worship, this is why we sing-this is why we breathe. Grace.
This Christmas, that’s our prayer for ourselves, and for you: That you would be met face-to-face by Grace, and by the love of Jesus. That we would all understand just a glimpse of why He is worthy of whatever sacrifice He asks...that He is holy, and that He is trustworthy. That’s a lot.
2011 has been an interesting year. Things I thought I would see happen, haven't happened...so, we wait. David and I are both gainfully employed (for which we are INFINITELY grateful); he, at Convergys, and myself, at the University of Missouri-St. Louis. I am hoping to go back to school in 2012; we'll see where God takes us. Holly the Boxer continues to keep us entertained, in spite of mysterious back injury. It’s the three of us, the day-in-day-out routine, and the little things in life that never let it get boring. ©
I continue to attempt my takeover of social media, on Twitter and Facebook...@CassidyCooley. If you've found me, then you know I tell most of my life updates on there, as opposed to on actual non-environmentally-friendly paper products (because as you can tell, if I wrote on REAL paper, I'd kill a lot of trees}. Life is...life, and it doesn't stop. Fortunately, neither does Grace.
'Merry Christmas to you, friends and family. May we all run headlong into the Amazing Grace of our Savior this Season...may 2012 find us knocked
senseless by a Love we simply cannot comprehend...While the world goes crazy, may we all find a Peace that others find unreasonable...and may we all be given the chance to explain where that Peace comes from....
Merry Christmas, y'all...
Love, David and Cassidy Cooley
And of course,
Holly the Boxer
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