Blank...

Sometimes, I have nothing to say...
Sometimes, I have everything to say,
But none of it is pretty
So I don't want to say anything.
Sometimes, I try to hide,
But this time
Someone called me out.
Now everyone sees
What makes me want to
Run
Away...
What makes me want to
Hide in my
Cave
Made of
Blankets...
For 5 weeks now,
I have watched the world go by
While I remembered
When time
Stopped.
The vortex didn't catch me,
And I was proud
That I put one foot
In front of the other.
October 30th.
November 28th.
December 1st.
The days have blurred together,
And I forgot what day it was,
But December 3rd
Reminded me
And now
I am lost.
I want to blame Him.
I want to take my anger out
At the One Who has given
And has taken away...
He took
Away,
And I am so empty...
I know there is love,
I know He is Love,
But I am
Devastated
And need to make it all
Make SENSE.
It doesn't.
"This is what I want!"
I say to Him;
"This is who I am!
This is who YOU SAID YOU
Created me to be!
AND I AM NOT.
You won't let me."
And like a million women
With empty wombs
who have gone on before me,
I watch the world
Pass
Me
By.
My faith is shaking.
The words "cosmic killjoy"
Ring in my ears, and
I struggle
To remember
The promises
I sing on Sunday morning.
I am not a child
Who didn't get their toy
And is having a fit.
I am a woman
Who has lost herself
And her every heart's desire;
I am a woman
Who remembers joy
That evades her grasp
And drifts on to
Someone else.
I am struggling
To find a way
To be thankful
To be focused
To praise
To breathe
To
Hope...



(Just a sidebar--although I appreciate the words of hope and promise that have been shared with me lately, it doesn't make this hurt any less. I've had 4 years of hopes and promises, with nothing to show for them. It doesn't mean there won't be; but it means there's not, right now. I don't know what the future holds, or where God will take David and I...what I do know, is that I am on my face before Him--mostly because I've been knocked down at the knees--and that I have nowhere else to go. The song that says "I need You, Jesus, to come to my rescue; where else can I go?" could be tattooed across my forehead right now, with how many times it's run through my head. Thank you for your love, and for your prayers...I am hurting. It doesn't mean I give up...but it does mean that I'm laying low. I appreciate the support.)