So, I met with a nutritionist....

Transparency time...
Sometimes, things come together and lead you to a huge point of revelation (I almost said "self-realization," when the Holy Spirit kicked me under the table and reminded me that all of this was His idea, LOL). Different factors come together to point you down a path, and when you actually start to walk down said path, you find there are lovely little signs along the way that tell you you're headed in the right direction. When you veer off track (which you inevitably will), there are obstacles that gradually remind you that you're out of line, and help to steer you back on your original destination, and this is the pattern life follows.
I was sitting in traffic the other day, when a scene from Office Space came to mind: Peter Gibbons is stuck in traffic. No matter which lane he gets into, the other lanes go faster. I was in traffic, trying to get to my exit, and everyone was passing me by. It felt so. Stinking. Metaphoric.
I got angry.
At God.
Probably not a good idea, but cathartic, nonetheless. Besides, I think He's big enough to handle it.
2010 has been a year of "Enough" for me, a year where I've determined to bring a new authenticity to who I am and where I'm going in life...a year in which I've continuously felt the metronome of God ticking in my heart that "It's TIME," although I have no idea what for. I've felt the need to reorganize, to restructure, to refocus, and to renovate my whole outlook on my problem areas. I've felt the need to get bad habits under control, to get debts paid off, to stop needing to have my hand held, and to stand up for what I know is right. I've felt the need to stop talking about what I want to do, and to start laying the groundwork to get off of my butt and do it. I've felt the need to stop being so burdened by shame that I can't be honest about the sins and struggles that I'm fighting, even to the One Who already knows everything about it. I've felt an anger rise up in me at a Church that consistently ostracizes it's own people, and continuously bludgeons a world that hates it, though it expects them to drop everything and love some Jesus that only points fingers instead of opens arms. I've developed some strange fear of not saying what I really think, even in my own damn blog, because I'm so afraid of what people will think that I'd rather say something funny than something true...whether it's my pastor or my boss or my sister or my husband, since when did I start letting those people dictate this thing that has my name on it?!?
I may be having my Jerry McGuire moment...and there may be repercussions....
But. I. Don't. Care. And. I'm. Tired. Of. Playing. The. Game.
Things have been said to me lately that have shocked me into dropping my gloves. This fight in me, between what I should say, and what I want to say, is coming to a halt, because I'm done. That's the other phrase that's been ringing in my ears this year: "I'm done."
I feel like I have to be done with these things, before it can be time to break free of them and move on.
This is my year to get it right, and I'm running out of time.
I had someone randomly tell me that I was having issues with communication. (And yeah, I get tired of people telling me that I always say what's on my mind. It's not true, so quit it. You have no idea what is on my mind, and I have very little idea of how to say it without shocking you, so don't tell me that I'm Ms. Verbal here. I candy-coat, I play nice, and I edit things to the point of unrecognition, and even then, I still manage to make people mad. I was raised with brutal honesty without the concern for cushioning the impact, so perhaps I lack a few communication skills. Even with that, though, I'm not saying what I'm thinking.) The person who told me I was having issues with communication had no idea how that resonated with me...they were right.
I've needed to sit down and write about a few key theological issues, and I haven't done it, because I haven't wanted to deal with the consequences of being so open about my faith. I've been bottling it, and somehow, this person caught that I was restrained. She told me I needed to let it out, and I ignored her, still in fear of the consequences.
I've felt restless in my career lately, knowing that I want to go back to school, but not necessarily knowing how I'd balance it all out...knowing that I want to write, and not understanding why it's such a huge thing with me...knowing that I have this huge passion, and not knowing what to do with it, but knowing that THIS IS NOT WORKING FOR ME...
I've struggled spiritually, because of this stifling, and I've struggled physically, as well.
I went to see a nutritionist today (www.pure-nourishment.com) and as she was asking me about my relationship with food, she said something very interesting. She pointed out that when I mentioned "writing," my whole face and voice changed. She said she could tell I was passionate about it, and that if I stifled that passion, I'd find some other method of releasing that tension, i.e., eating. I found that fascinating, and true...when I have something to say, something that has to come out, and I don't, I wind up parked in front of the TV to get my mind off of it, and then I wind up eating.
Right now, I'm sitting in front of a computer...not eating. Interesting.
As we talked, I began to put a few pieces of the puzzle together....I feel stifled. I don't feel particularly creative. I don't feel successful (and by that, I'm not thinking financial). I'm struggling with debt, compulsive habits, eating problems, and a lack of spiritual discipline and mental clarity, and I don't feel like I'm living up to the potential God has for me. I feel like a bad, worthless person...so I eat, because it makes me feel better. Hmm. Doesn't sound like I know a God of grace, love, and mercy very well, does it?
I grew up in a very strict home, at a very strict school (a ridiculously strict school) that fostered more of a religious belief, than that of a true relationship with Jesus. My parents were great at teaching us to fear God, and to fear them, but not so great at teaching us the power of forgiveness; my school was fantastic at teaching me that tight jeans made me a bad person and that cleavage was a sin, and that the Bible was nothing more than a textbook that I got candy for memorizing. (For those that went to school with me, I know that sounds harsh, but think about it. Did that Jolly Rancher you got for memorizing Isaiah 53 teach you anything about the personality of the Lamb? I'm just saying). I grew up with a performance-based belief system: If I did good, Jesus loved me. If I didn't, I got an F, and the world was over.
Somehow, I'm still living in that place.
When you grasp the full understanding that you were created by a God Who loves you unconditionally, you want to read His Word so that you can know Him better--not so you can have your Jolly Rancher at the end of the day.
When you grasp the full understanding that you were created by a God Who loves you unconditionally, you are desperate to connect with this Being that says He made you in His image...
When you grasp the full understanding that you were created by a God Who loves you unconditionally, you don't have to dull the ache inside by eating a jar of Nutella as you numb yourself in front of the television.
When you grasp the full understanding that you were created by a God Who loves you unconditionally, you don't have to go to the mall because you just want to be alone, and wind up spending more than you've saved (and dealing with the guilt afterward).
When you grasp the full understanding that you were created by a God Who loves you unconditionally....
When you grasp the full understanding that you were created by a God Who loves you unconditionally, you don't have to feel like a failure every time you screw up, whether it's eating too much, spending too much, not reading the Bible like you think you should, saying mean things, whatever. I have a tendency to, whenever I do mess up, I do it full throttle, i.e., "If I'm going to blow my diet on a piece of cake, that piece had better be a fourth of the cake, so I can make this screw-up worth it!!!"...and that generally leads to a total bender of dietary disaster. That mentality is cutting me off at the knees in so many areas...Not feeling like a failure would, I believe, help me stop the landslide....
When you grasp even a tiny portion of knowing His love (King's love), you feel like you truly belong, and all of the other crap you're struggling with...that I'm struggling with...falls by the wayside when you fall to your knees.You stop feeling like a huge fat phony when you say you love the Lord, because you understand the genuine affection and desire He has for you, and you want with all of your heart to reciprocate it.
My spiritual issues are a direct reflection to how well I understand and accept the love of the Lord...which, as I write this, I'm realizing needs a lot of work.
My physical/food/spending issues are a direct reflection to how well I understand and accept the love of the Lord.
My reluctance to write, and to get it all out, is a direct reflection to how well I understand and accept the love of the Lord...and how much I trust in Him to handle the consequences, if what I say is truly what I feel like He wants me to say (which is still percolating).
I am not living a life that says that I feel loved by God. I am living a life that looks like I think I might be kinda sorta a decent person who goes to church. I am not walking on a path that says "Peace and fulfillment in Jesus." But I'd like to be.
So it starts here...on this little blog...writing the words that I know I'm supposed to say, but have been too scared to put out there for the world to see.
The gloves are coming off...(who can type with gloves on?)
The plate is being pushed away...(there's really no permanent fulfillment with food)
This is my blog, and I know why I started it...why I got away from writing like I know I should...and how I'm going to take it back.
It's time.