Goodnight, Sweetheart...

It's almost 4-o'clock in the morning. What. The. Heck? I've been waking up like this for the last few weeks, at roughly this same time (that's 3:00 am, plus-or-minus an hour of tossing, turning, praying, finding the "rain" music on my iPod, and wishing I could take large amounts of sleeping pills). Tonight, I wound up on the couch (David has a cold/allergy thing, and bless his heart, I can't handle it), and after a particularly vivid dream about my step-mom, here I am yet again. Wide. A. Wake.
I could write about philosophical meanderings, but I really don't have much on my mind (or is it so much, that I can't make it all make sense?). I could make something up that might make me look deep or super-spiritual (I'm not). I could contemplate the frustrations of the sudden appearance of cellulite where I never had it before (WTH? Really?!?!? NOW, of all times in my life?!?) or the fact that I can most likely cross that concept of a bikini off of my bucket list...I could go back to that ever-underlying sense of something missing in the Cooley household, but that's pretty obvious, and I don't feel like indulging in a pity party today. I could mention that I can think of at least 3 instances of unwelcome advice/recommendations from people regarding my reproductive status in the past week alone, and how trying that is, but when I put it in that perspective, I'm pretty sure you get my point...besides, getting THAT riled up when all I want to do is go back to sleep is probably counterproductive.
There's a lot that I could say.
There's far too much that I do say.
The things I should say, I usually bury under fear and self-loathing...
And the things I should leave alone, I usually blurt out in a montage of oblivity and/or what boils down to pride.
Ever wonder what your life would be like, if you'd have just moved your chess piece one square over in a different direction? How much impact would that one square make?
That's one for 4:00 am.
Ever wonder if any of it will make sense? Or if you'll ever live long enough to see if He truly makes everything work out for His good? If He really does have those "plans to give us a hope and a future?" Or how our various messes eventually come together and make the amazing tapestry He's set into order (don't get that last phrase twisted--I'm not a Calvinist)?
No one has it easy. Nobody's life is perfect, no matter what beautiful pictures we make on Sunday morning. We all have what we want people to see, and what really is (and I don't care who you are--we're all in the same boat). As honest as I've always said I wanted to keep my blog, I've been avoiding it for the last few months because I don't want to face the backlash of what people would think if I really let 'er rip (and that includes my husband, whom I will respectfully defer to, as he is the head of this household, and I'm not going to post anything that would elicit the "CASS!" response that I know when to expect :) on certain issues, be they theological, political, or otherwise. I also have been just too plain lazy to do the research on a few things that I will eventually get to (adoption, surrogacy, US infant mortality rates, creation, evolution, abortion, and the fact that Charles Darwin was one of the biggest racists EVER, yet we allow his sick, twisted beliefs on the "origin" of our "species" to dominate our "educational" system)...
Hey, that might just be why I'm awake at 4:00 am...that's a lot on my to-do list.
None of those are peaceful issues to discuss, and a few of them could totally offend people if they let it (regardless of the fact that it's my stinkin' blog). I've been afraid to tackle any of those subjects, because I didn't want it to affect my job or offend anyone who didn't want to hear my conclusions...but I really need to get back to writing stuff that matters, so I'm thinking I need to get over my "fear of offending" and (post-spousal review) intelligently present my simple opinion of complicated issues....The last 2 times I said I was going to do this, I wound up hitting the "snooze" button...darn it!
And no, I don't really think anyone cares. Since this blog has nowhere NEAR the hits as my original MS blog, I think at this point in my writing "career," I'm safe to postulate.
With that off of my chest...and a to-do list that I'd better get cracking on, just in case that New Madrid-or-whatever fault-line-earthquake-apocalypse-thing hits St. Louis, and I lose my internet connection...I'm going back to sleep.