"God, What Do You Mean, I Have A Career?!?!?"--Fairytales and Faith

Rewind 20 years:
A young girl sits in her tiny bedroom, surrounded by childhood leftovers--Cabbage Patch dolls, Barbies, teddy bears, and a random assortment of other "stufties"--and thinks about life. She can't get rid of any of the toys, because they, along with an admirable book collection that inspires her imaginary world, are her friends. No, she doesn't talk to them--at least, not anymore--but she does sleep with as many as her twin bed will hold. She's an avid reader, and the stories she tells herself as she falls asleep at night would hopefully, one day, grace the pages of a bestseller.
She has dreams.
She dreams of going to college...of meeting the right guy, someone tall and handsome, someone who makes her laugh...she dreams of getting married, of having a family, and of raising them differently than she perceives that she is being raised. She dreams of telling stories, of teaching, of writing books and of touring the country, telling people about the Jesus she knows...
She dreams, more than anything, about feeling loved (which, at this age, is something the enemy has stolen away from her)...
She dreams of her children....she dreams of things that can't be written, of hopes fulfilled...
She dreams of feeling like she belongs.
"In 10 years," she says, "I'll be 23. I'll be out of college, I'll be married, I'll start a family, and everything will be perfect."
Everything would go in order.
This chaos, this instability that she wrestles with--it will be over. Things will go exactly as planned, with the white picket fence, and a permanent smile. Everything will be just the way she wants it--because after all, God wants His people to be happy, right?

You know, when you place your life in God's hands, and you ask Him for His will, He has a way of burning the pages of your fairytale.

I started this blog with the flashback, because it's an image I find myself thinking about quite frequently. I remember when all I wanted to be was a wife and a mother. It was something that was dropped into my heart from an indeterminate age, and it's something I have never (and will never) let go of. I could never get rid of my dolls, as a child, because I was their caretaker (to this day, I have 2 teddybears that will probably have to be buried with me, 'cause they're staying put!). There has always been that internal need to take care of something. I really did think that somehow, I'd have it all--I could be a stay-at-home mom, and have a writing/speaking career (at one point, I wanted to be a singer along with that, but the reality of being average set in, so music became a thing for worship alone--not a bad thing).
Someone said to me in college (and I quote), "You know, if you were to ever go into business, you'd be incredibly good at it--you'd be one amazing corporate bitch." That's what he said--and it was a pastor that said it. I laughed, at the time, and said, "Yeah, right--that world is not for me." It was meant to be a compliment to my tenacity, administrative abilities, and overall anal-retentiveness. He didn't know it, but those words hit me like an arrow to the heart.
They lodged in.
I find myself, in the present time, in the corporate world. 10 years, in the medical field (in an administrative capacity), and I have found, even in small business, that I can be a total corporate B (yep, that's a capital "B"). I actually like the thrill of the hunt, so to speak, in making an insurance company do what they're supposed to do. I like the detail of untangling accreditation nightmares, or cleaning up billing disasters. I've recently switched fields, and taken a position at a university. It's my first time working for a big company, and I'm realizing that once I get settled in, I have the potential to go somewhere--to "be somebody," if I go down that path. I'm definitely continuing my education (the dream of being a writer/speaker is VERY much alive), but apart from that, I'm seeing some potential.
But then something happens...
Those words come back to haunt me.
"Corporate bitch."
Am I?
Really?
Is that who I'm meant to be?
I know I'm designed to work. Even when I'm "off," I still find myself completely unable to be a slacker. I actually mentally schedule in time to slough off. The brief times of unemployment that I've had, I probably worked the hardest at home, for the most part, because I can't stay still (yep, I have a total Mary/Martha problem, FOR SURE). So, I will always work, in some capacity...but corporately?
I don't know.
Hardly any of my friends are so-called "career" women. They may have been, at one point, but most of them are stay-at-home moms. I'm not hugely fond of the term "housewife;" in fact, I find it derogatory. "Susie Homemaker" makes my skin crawl. SAH moms are, to me, incredibly gifted, because I don't think I have the patience to stay at home chasing after a two-year-old. I think I'd go nuts. Since I'm not around kids very often for long periods of time, it takes me a long time to get acclimated to having them around. I find myself short on patience and struggling to breathe. I'm just being truthful. I wonder if that will change, when it's my own children? If some magic thing will go off, and I'll never want to leave the room they're in?
Part of me says yes...and part of me hopes that I'll be able to compartmentalize and leave so I can continue to provide for my family.
I wasn't married with children by 23. I was married at 27, and by 29, I'd lost my only child. We have never had a picket fence, and through a strange series of events, the market wiped out the lucrative position my husband held for over 10 years. The things I always thought would happen? They didn't happen.
You know what DID happen?
God never left.
If I could go back to that 13 year-old little girl, I'd have a few things to say to her...
1. Your parents are doing the best they know how to do. Their lives weren't easy, growing up, and you don't know about the anguish they're facing. Your mother loves you (but she's hormonally imbalanced and totally needs a hysterectomy--Don't laugh, it was true! She finally had one when I was in college, and turned into the coolest Mom EVER!). Be patient with them--far more patient than a teenager should have to be, but be patient. They really do love you.
2. Keep praying for your future husband. He's coming. It's not where, when, or who you think, but he's The One. Give him a chance (I did. He's awesome).
3. The love that you have in your heart, that's dying for a chance to get out--don't waste it on fairytales. There is a realness that's worth holding out for.
4. You can't always get what you want, and you won't. Asking God for His will is the most painful thing you will ever do in your life, because it means giving up control. It means giving up the white picket fence, the writing and the speaking, and all of the hopes and the dreams that go with it. It means laying all of that down for one thing, and one thing only: Jesus. Your body and your mind have wishes and dreams, and it's painful to let them go....But...Your spirit has desires engrained into the heart, and those are the things that the Father has put there--these are the things that will cost you everything, because those are the things He made you for. They will break you, strip you, and drop you to your knees, which is right where He wants you. And when you get there, and He pulls you into that calling that your heart aches for, everything you've been through will be totally worth it.

My 33 year-old self looks back at the blissfully delusional 13 year-old self, and sees a lot of longing. I ask myself if somewhere along the line, I blew it? Did I miss God, and the rest of my life is judgement? Was I supposed to "live the dream," and be that stay-at-home mom with a side-job of writing/speaking, and did I knock myself out of commission with bad choices? Or was this His "Plan A" all along? Have I merely been on a side-track, and I'm getting it all back together now, 10 years later? Or has it taken all of this--all of the craziness, all of the heartache, all of the rip-it-all-down-and-start-over, to get me back where He wants me? Is the corporate life really where I'm supposed to stay? (Stay tuned, kids, for part 2!!!!)
There are the things I always wanted, and there is the reality of my life. There is a certain envy of my friends, and there is a definite noticing that I am not the same ("one of these chicks is not like the other!"). There is a longing for that life....there is an honest look at where David and I are spiritually, physically, and financially, and the realization that we are not those people, right now...and there is hope that maybe someday, we will be.

This is not how I thought my life would be...but this is where He has taken me. So, for the 13 year-old me, who longed for marriage and motherhood, above all things, I would say this (as I declare every single day): "Your will be done, on earth, as it is in Heaven."