Building a Mystery....

Oooh, I get 10 points for a Sarah McLachlan 90's song reference!  You know, I've never understood those lyrics...
How is it possible to go all ADD when I'm just starting this blog?!?!??
I'm 17 weeks pregnant. There is a tiny human in my stomach that has just, over the course of the past week, begun to make their presence known. There isn't any kicking, per se; actually, there's just this crazy pressure/shifting/weirdness going on that I wish I could put into words. I'm all belly--which to me, is a good (but weird) thing. 
I have a good friend who's quite blunt, that has informed me that I look 6 months pregnant (especially right after I eat). Although this made me sad and highly self-conscious, she's right. I feel huge, already, and it's a point of concern. Strangely enough, though, as of this morning I am STILL 3 pounds down from my pre-pregnancy weight. If this keeps going, my hope is that I will have gained less than 20# during this pregnancy. (For someone of my height/weight combination, anywhere from 11-24 pounds is acceptable). I have no desire to Jessica Simpson-ize myself; I feel terrible for friends that have told me that they gained 40-50# during their pregnancies. I can't take off the excess weight pre-pregnancy--there's no way I could take off 40-50# post-partum. It just seems overwhelming, to try and initiate a weight loss plan while trying to raise a tiny human.
My weight is a big deal to me--it's a big part of my life that I wish I would have dealt with more effectively before conceiving (much like my finances). The last few weeks have been a battle with myself over feeling guilty for not being more financially disciplined in preparation for God fulfilling His promise, and for not being more physically disciplined in preparation for God fulfilling His promise. I kinda feel like an oil-less virgin. He's lit my lamp, but I didn't prepare, and now I'm scrambling. This is a huge lesson to me (by God's grace, I hope it's not too little, too late): If God has a promise for you, if you believe that it's true, make the preparations NOW like it's going to happen tomorrow. Stay prepared. I really hope that I've officially got this through my thick skull, and I'm incredibly thankful that God still, in spite of my lack of preparation, sees fit to take care of us. I know that He will provide. I feel foolish, having to ask Him...but I ask anyways, because He is my Father, and He knows the need/lack of preparation/heart's desire before I even approach Him. 
That being said, He's proven Himself time and time again. David got an unexpected bonus at work. I had one of the elusive 3-paydays-in-a-week checks (they don't take out an insurance payment, so it's a little extra). We had standing water in our laundry room from a leaky shower that only cost $6 to fix (thanks, Dad!). My brother-in-law was able to put a new starter in the Camry, which saved us a huge mechanic's bill. It's not a massive windfall, but it is enough to make sure we're cared for. It's manna, and it's enough for today. I think that's pretty neat.   I look back at the testimonies of my parents--how God took such good care of them when we were kids. I look at David and I, and at the testimonies of how God has brought us through. I think of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego--how they made it through the fiery furnace, and didn't even smell like smoke. Do we smell like smoke? I really don't think so. God has truly carried us through.
Ever want to post something about God's goodness, and worry that if you do, you're just opening yourself up for an attack? Me, too. But I can't get through the pressures of today, without stopping to consider the testimonies of yesterday. He is faithful--even when we don't think He's making any sense. He's faithful.
He was faithful yesterday, and He is faithful today.
He is faithful tomorrow.
"Building a Mystery:" There's a reason that I titled this blog with that reference. Up until today, the tiny human-in-residence has been swirling around my insides with no name. She/he has been referred to as "they" for the 14 weeks that I've known they're there. My struggles with fear during this pregnancy are very real. I look forward to my doctor's visits, only so that I can hear a heartbeat and rest assured that all is okay. I still look at the ultrasounds screens with an out-of-body feeling....it doesn't always feel like it's really happening to me. Today, however, a tiny part of the mystery of pregnancy will be revealed: We find out what we're having this afternoon.
This is a milestone to me.
I'm not sure why, but it seems to me that this small part of identity will make this experience more real...like my struggle with "detachment" will be diminished. Someone prayed over me yesterday that I would embrace the joy of pregnancy. It's not the first time that I've heard that prayer; I think that I struggle with focusing on "just breathing," that I forget to celebrate the wonder and weirdness of this strange state that I'm in! Right now, in this moment, I am carrying a child. I am! It's so freaky!!!!  There's a tiny human swimming around my cavernous abdomen! That's crazy!!!!!  Even now, 17 weeks in, I'm shaking my head at how weird it is. And I know this isn't my first time around...but in a lot of ways, it feels kind of like it is. My symptoms are different; my mood is different. I'm not 28 this time around, and I feel different. I'm a different person to start with, and I'm handling things differently. I'm also not waltzing into this pregnancy with my eyes closed to reality. I've had to face a whole different realm of possibilities since my last pregnancy, and I feel more like Katniss Everdeen in Mockingjay, than Hermione Granger in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.  I'm scarred, I've been broken, and the "shiny" has worn off. God is far more real to me in 2012 than He was in 2006, and my relationship with Him, for better or for worse, is much, much different. I'm not going to say that I'm jaded, because I'm not. I will say that I'm simply not as oblivious as I used to be (as far as this goes. For everything else, well, that remains to be seen:). I think that Ephesians 6:12 has a whole new meaning to me. This is not my parents' battle. It's not my sister's, or my pastor's. It's mine, and it's David's, and it truly belongs to the Lord. We will sit back and worship Him. We will praise Him; we will honor Him, and He will knock down the walls in a battle that we may or may not even fully see. We do not have all of the answers. I wish we did.
We do not know how to raise a child. We do not know how to ensure they will grow up with a heart for the Lord. We don't know how to do anything. We're starting this child up from the womb, the only way we know how: Prayer. 
We're praying to a God that we cannot see, yet One Whom we trust with our whole hearts. We are entrusting everything to the greatest of Mysteries...
Fortunately, to Him, nothing is mysterious...