Flamingoes and Broken Bones...

My thoughts seem pretty scattered this week. I know—that’s normal, right? It just seems a little more scattered than usual. Sometimes blogging seems like the only way to sort it all out…

I figured out the catalyst—Target has a whole line of little girls’ clothes with flamingoes on them, for summer. I noticed it the other day, when I was shopping for JD…(Rant—boys’ clothes are JUST NOT CUTE! They’re sarcastic, mildly flirtatious, or just plain blah. The only “cute” stuff that I’ve seen is monkeys, crabs, or monsters, and there’s only so much you can do with that. Rant over!). Before JD, I could simply walk by the baby clothes section and pretend to ignore it. Now, I actually have to shop there—this is NOT a complaint, by any means; rather, it’s an observation of the change.

Avoidance is a BRILLIANT form of therapy, LOL…

Seeing those little, pink, ruffly, flamingo-covered dresses was kind of an arrow to the chest. 

I have a friend who’s first little one was a beautiful baby girl who passed away at just 10 days old. Since then, she’s gone on to have four gorgeous boys…Each one is full of personality and love, and I know she wouldn’t trade them for anything. I talked to her in depth, after we brought JD home, and asked her how you ever get through the feeling of knowing you’ll never have that family picture, and have it be whole…you’ll never pile all of your kids up on the bed for an epic wrestling match…you’ll never see your little girl hold her baby brother…I’ve blogged about this before—this isn’t a rehash, just a reference—She’s been a huge influence on me, in realizing this adjusted reality, and in embracing the fact that this will always hurt.

It just will—it doesn’t mean I’m not healed, or that I’m stuck. It’s kind of like a bone that breaks—it’s healed, but you get that achy feeling in it, when the weather’s about to change. That’s the closest thing I can liken it to.

The benefit of having a little boy, after losing a little girl, is that you’re going through the-same-but-different. The differences are pronounced from the very beginning. Yes, the personalities are totally different; the fact that the bodies are so different allows you, as a mother, the ability to force yourself to think “this is not the same.” You’re going to relive some stuff, but not to the extreme, I believe, that you would if you’d have had another little girl. I would have been happy either way, but I truly believe that God meant for me to have my little guy, and though that’s not the only reason, I’m sure it played into His decision. I am not saying any of this to say that I wish I’d had a girl. I don’t. My little guy is perfect-he is my joy. I can’t believe that yes, it is possible to have loved so strongly, twice in one lifetime!!!

I had wondered about that—could I possibly love another child, as much as I love my Hannah? Oh, yes—most definitely. And this love is different, like JD himself: It’s incredibly strong. It’s an intense love, coupled with protective capabilities like I have never known…because I know what it means, to be without.

My little guy is an amazing testimony to the Lord, and I hope I get to tell his complete story to the world someday.

So, it’s the season of ruffly, pink, flamingo-covered dresses…and it’s a season of firsts…and it’s a bittersweet-but-mostly-sweet symphony called Summer…

And I will dream of family reunions…