Common Sense...

Common sense tells me I should be back in bed right now. After all, it's 3 am, I've been up since 2, and I need to go to church in the morning...but since I've never been the one in the family (supposedly) who got the "common sense" gene, I guess I'm just playing my role.
I haven't blogged lately, and it's been deliberate. I've been dealing with some very personal decisions lately that I haven't wanted to put out there for the world to see, and I'm learning that it's okay to make that distinction. It's not that I'm being fake; it's simply that it's no one's business. 32 is a fine age to finally begin to learn to ponder things in my heart, as Mary did (she learned it when she was a teenager, of all things--no wonder God was impressed).
The last few weeks have taught me a lot about myself. The last few days have broken my heart in new ways (because a heart can never be broken enough, right?). In the last few weeks, I've learned that I have an anger that I never knew myself capable of. In the last few days, I've learned that surrendering to God can feel like the most devastating thing you will ever go through. I've learned that it is SO entirely possible to make the world think everything is going so well, but truthfully, internally, one can be a train wreck of epic proportions.
Most of all, I've learned that it's okay not to wear my heart on my sleeve.
If you ask me if I'm okay, I am allowed to lie.
If you ask me how I'm doing, I am allowed to lie.
I don't have to tell you. I don't HAVE to tell YOU. I don't have to tell you I'm great, I'm fantastic, I'm peachy, or that God is good. I don't have to say anything. I can look you in the eye and tell you I'm fine, and it's all you need to know. I can look you in the eye, lie to you, and you will never know the difference because I have gotten that good at it.
So yeah,
I'm fine.
I'm so guilty of over-sharing, of over-explaining, because I'm so guilty of loving drama, but I'm getting to a point in my life where I'm not only sick of the stupidity of other people's drama; I'm sick of my own. So no, I don't want to share it with the world. I don't want to tell you how I lost my temper this week and made a horrible witness of myself. I don't want to tell you about the family drama that's got me frustrated to the point of volcanic instability. I don't want to embellish the emotional struggles I'm having with the man I married right now, and I don't want to have to apologize for that.
This is what I do want to share:
God is amazing. He loves me, and you, and everyone else, through their drama. He sees the anger rising up in me, and how ugly that dragon is, and He loves me anyways. He knows I want to pick up my sword and cut some giants down, when even I know it's not my battle, and He loves me anyways. He loves me when ugly words cross my mind (all those things I'd like to say) and He loves me (and occasionally sends angels down to seal my big mouth shut). He sees me right now, feeling like my heart has been ripped from my chest...He sees me brokenhearted, and He loves me...He sees this amazing man that I married almost 5 years ago; He sees our past, and He knows our future, and He loves the two of us as one (I am so thankful for this man)....
Jesus loves me dirty; He loves me to clean.
Jesus loves me broken; He loves me to wholeness.
Jesus loves me angry; He loves me to peace.
Jesus loves me poor in spirit; He loves me to His heart.
And best of all...
He loves you more.