Driving Blind...

Jesus sits in my front seat.
No, really--I'm not kidding.
Before you run me off to the funny farm, let me tell you a story (as I'm so inclined to do):
I struggle with fear. I have my entire life--it's the secret, paralyzing force that waits until I'm vulnerable, and then it quite literally reaches around my throat and chokes the breath out of me. There is panic, blindness, loss of logic, profanity, and a total lack of ability to focus on the truths I say and believe in. This fear strikes me the hardest while I'm driving.
I hate to drive. I think that I speed so often, just to get the driving part of my day over with the fastest (somehow, I don't think that will ever get me out of a ticket). I drive almost an hour to work each way, and my fear of driving almost led me to turn down this job--this wonderful, blessing of a job that I am most grateful for. This job is part of my calling, it's a gateway to my calling, and for me to almost walk away out of fear is so like me. I'm so glad that I had a powerful force of friends who prayed me through making the decision to take this position, even though it was a difficult transition (hey, nice rhyming!). But the drive--oh, the drive.
A few months ago, a torrential downpour hit as I was driving home. It was sudden, ferocious, and a total white-out. I couldn't see to get off of the road; I pulled over 3 times on the way home, and I went ballistic. Crying, choking, full-blown asthma attack--by the time I finally made it through our door, I practically collapsed. I don't think anyone would ever guess that this is such an issue for me, but it is--I was genuinely petrified.
Dentists make me panicky, nauseous, and irrationally violent...rats/mice/ROUS make me cringe and squeal. But driving/car incidents make me incapable of anything. It's almost a separate personality that comes out. I'm literally unintelligible from the shrieking. I'm petrified.
I've thought of things I could do--I'm spiritually opposed to hypnosis, although it's crossed my mind (especially in regards to the dentist). I've prayed about it; when there's been an issue, though, I usually find myself so scared that I can't make the words come out. Then, when the words DO come out, they're nothing I would ever repeat to anyone (except David, who tries to talk sense into me while I'm freaking out--you should hear his "psychology" tone of voice that he uses when I've flipped like this. In a rational moment, it's kinda funny. I think he tries to sound kinda like my dad, because he knows it works).
My car began acting up on Saturday--we were at a restaurant, and it wouldn't start. We futzed around with it a little bit, got it to a Wal-Mart, and dropped in a new battery. Since I was with him (even though neither one of us is mechanically inclined), I was okay--no freak-outs. We knew that a cable was a little loose, but with some jiggling, it started, so I went off to work this morning (Note: We drove EVERYWHERE Saturday and Sunday without incident). I went to work, ran some errands, went to a visitation, and suddenly, my radio began to go off and on. Not a good sign. I pulled over, jostled the cables, restarted the car, and off I went--and got lost--and my headlights started to flicker. I called David, and said I was on my way home (mind you, he had just left to go pick up a piece of furniture). I got to the top of the hill in my very rural neck of the woods, and realized I couldn't see--when I went to turn on my brights
I got
Pitch
Black
Nothing.
No oncoming cars.
No lights from my vehicle.
And a very deep ditch off of the side of the road.
By the living grace of God, I got the car off of the side of the road without falling into the ditch--about 12" off of the white line--just enough for me to get out of my car.
I didn't even have my emergency lights going...I had no idea it could be that dark outside.
I called David, calmly at first, to tell him that I had a serious issue. He said to jostle the cables, and restart the car, and I'd be fine--except it didn't work this time. I messed with the car alarm--no help. The lights worked for a few minutes, then nothing. I keep a flashlight on my keychain, that I tried to use to call roadside assistance--EXCEPT THE PHONE NUMBER ISN'T ON MY INSURANCE CARD ANYMORE!!!!!--AND AT THIS POINT I BEGIN TO FREAK OUT!!!!!
@#$%@#$%!@#$!@#$!@#$!@$!@#^&^&^t#$tr!$!@#$!$r!%$!
DAVIDYOUHADBETTERSTOPWHATYOU'REDOINGTURNTHATTRUCKAROUNDANDGETHERE!!!!ICAN'TBELIEVETHISISHAPPENINGWHYINTHEHECKCAN'TWEFIXCARSWHATTHE@#@@#DOIDONOW?!@#$!@#$!@#$!#@$@ And that's the highly edited version. '
Oh, the shame...
Wherever he was, I didn't know how long he'd be, so I abandoned my beloved Camry and began a 1/2 mile trek up the hill from Hell. By the time I got to the top, between the panic, the blood pressure, the cold (BTW, thanks, Dad, for teaching me to always keep a light-colored jacket in my car. And for the mace.), the anger, or the very steep incline, by the time I got to the top of the hill I couldn't breathe. Full-blown asthma attack that I'm still trying to shake--and I have no one to blame but myself.
Couple that with the fact that David no sooner comes and rescues me, but he gets to my car and it STARTS RIGHT UP...and now I feel HORRIBLE.
Stupid.
Panicked-for-nothing.
And physically awful, because I know how dangerous asthma attacks/freaked-out blood pressure can be for me, but I still let myself get that bad.
Don't get me wrong-my car was messed up. He drove it to our house (1 mile away--so close!!), and as soon as he turned it off, it wouldn't start again without cranking down the cables. We'll cross that bridge tomorrow, during daylight.
Either way, like the rainstorm, it was another classic case of me being in a pinch, and rather than pausing/being rational (granted, I tried that for like, 30 seconds), or praying it through (which should be the first thing I do), I freaked out. I said mean, terrible things to my husband (which I feel like an @$$ over--especially since the car started when he barely looked at it), I didn't trust God, and I'm not even sure I properly thanked Him for keeping me from ditching my car. I let fear win--I drove blindly, without faith, and without responsibility.
David's already forgiven me, which says something about him, and I've totally forgiven him (I'm sexist--I think that just because he's a guy, he's Mr. Fix-It, which is not always the case). Fear is such a nasty thing, though--it sends you into such an awful tailspin. Grace gets us out of it--if we let it, it keeps us from getting into it in the first place.
I'm such an imperfect creature, and I hate it when I have that reminder shoved so glaringly in my face. Incidents like this are the ones I need to have the sense to reflect on, the next time I'm broken down, to keep me from jumping into that mudpit of fear, blame, and highly-consequential anger.
We are never "driving blind." Jesus is always with us, even when it doesn't look that way--that realization is the only thing that can truly conquer those paralyzing fears. I hope I get that through my thick head before my next driving-related incident!!! For David's sake, if not mine!!!!! (God bless David Cooley--I'm pretty sure he should be nominated for some kind of sainthood after this)...