Milestones...

In the middle of worship this morning, the lyrics hit me like a ton of bricks: "You give me Beauty for Ashes, and Joy for my Mourning."
Brick.
In.
The.
Head.
I seriously almost doubled over.
I realized, "Hey, here we go--yet again, Cassidy's going to lose it in front of a bunch of people." I started praying, "God, please don't let me embarrass myself like this again. Please..."
I start to see four walls closing in on me...Yes, I'm still singing, but in my head, a tremendous tug-of-war is happening. I felt God say, "Stay. Play it through." It was a whisper...it was clear. "Play it through. Bring Me the sacrifice of praise."
The walls were closing in...I kept singing.
In my head, I see myself put my hands on the walls, and push them back. The heaviness that started to descend on me--the bitterness that began to creep in--lifted, and worship, in my heart, began again. I've been through this process before, but I don't recall ever seeing it quite so vividly in my head. Granted, I have a pretty vivid imagination, but I'm pretty sure this wasn't something I made up. There was a battle for worship this morning, and I don't know that it involved just me.
I really feel like a lot of us in the church struggle with the holidays--we have Missing Persons syndrome. For me, this weekend is particularly hard, true--but the whole season gets affected. It's not "what is"--we know our loved ones are in Heaven. It's "what isn't." The "what isn't (s)" are the things that hit me out of nowhere--would my five-year-old be dancing in front of the church, with the other kids? Ouch. It's a beautiful thing to see, but bittersweet. This morning (and it's happened before), it caught me in the gut--no warning. Grief sucker-punches us, but we can't let it knock us out.
It sounds so easy, when I put it in writing...
We bring a sacrifice of praise...praise when we're going along just fine, when we get what we want, and life is wonderful...and praise when the bottom falls out, the world is pear-shaped, and we can't see any Light through the fog that's buried our hearts. I've always said that for me, worship is when I feel the closest to God. It has nothing to do with singing (thank God); it has nothing to do with the aesthetics. It has to do with the fact that when we worship God, we open up that which we close off to the world. We walk around this grimy, dirty world, and we guard our hearts so closely...We are a jaded, bitter species. But when we worship, we take the bars off of the windows, and we connect, heart-to-heart, in intimacy with the One Who loves us (dirt and all).
This is a really, really tough time of year for many people. Tomorrow marks, for me, the fifth anniversary of my daughter's death, and I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I'm fine. This sucks. Just because I love Jesus doesn't mean this doesn't hurt--again, yes, I know she's in Heaven. I'm still missing a baby that came from my body--I have scars that are supposed to be reminders of the happiest day of my life...they hurt to look at. This is hard, and anyone who would say otherwise is kidding themselves. He doesn't make the pain go away. I saw a movie tonight where a Rabbi was talking about the death of his daughter. The interviewer said, "Weren't you mad at God?" "Furious!!" the Rabbi replied. "Didn't it affect your faith?" "Absolutely. But, I was thankful--thankful that I had Him to cry to!"
He doesn't make the hurt, the longing, the ache--He doesn't make it disappear, even though He could. I don't really understand why we go through this pain; frankly, even though I know it prepares us for other things in life, anesthesia sounds lovely. What He does do, though, is give us Someone to cry to. He gives us more than just a shoulder to cry on...He carries us in His arms. He shines His light on that "dark night of the soul," and He provides us with a love that handles the worst of our temper tantrums. He understands our grief, and He bears our sorrows.
He knows that if we understood a tenth of "what is" as opposed to our grasp of "what isn't," all of the selfish desires we have to see our loved ones again on our terms, would wash away. I believe in Heaven with every fiber of my being, and I know I'll see my baby girl again. If I even slightly grasped a corner of what it's really like, though, my heart would never ache for her on this planet again. I would be completely satisfied and at peace with where she is.
I don't get that knowledge, though--I don't get to see Heaven. I get to have faith that He knows what He's doing, and that I'll get there eventually. Faith, hope--that's the key.
That's why we worship. Because we have faith that He hears us, that He is, above all, GOOD.
This season, I hope that you see that He's good. Even if you're struggling with a loss...even if what/who you're missing is weighing on you so heavily--please know that He is good. Saying that, in the midst of grief, is one of the hardest things you'll ever say in your life, but it's so true. He is a good God, and you will make it out of the valley. Worship God, even in the midst of it. Praise Him for the extra measure of grace and peace that He'll drop on you if you ask. I know that's my prayer: "I need grace...I need peace. I need a reason to keep hope going, to keep hanging on." That's where I am...desperately clinging to grace and peace, and making myself hang on to hope. I cannot give up. He doesn't allow it, for any of us.
There's a song from the Muppets that I quoted on Facebook earlier today, anhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifd even though I quoted it incorrectly, I was pretty darn close. It's a season of "Saying Goodbye," but it's not permanent. Leave it to the Muppets to make you smile, and cry, all at the same time...
Grace and Peace to you this season...He loves you. He delights in you, even when you feel "un-delight-able."

Saying goodbye, going away
Seems like goodbye's such a hard thing to say
Touching our hands, wondering why
It's time for saying goodbye.

Saying goodbye, why is it sad?
Makes us remember the good times we've had
Much more to say, foolish to try
It's time for saying goodbye.

Don't want to leave, but we both know
Sometimes its better to go
Somehow I know, we'll meet again
Not sure quite where and I don't know just when

You're in my heart, so until then
It's time for saying goodbye.

Somehow I know, we'll meet again
Not sure quite where and I don't know just when
You're in my heart so until then
Wanna smile
Wanna cry
Saying goodbye"
--From The Muppets Take Manhattan

La la la la, la la la la
It's time for saying goodbye
La la la la, la la la la
La la la la-la la la.