All I Want For Christmas...

Last year, around this time, all I wanted for Christmas really WAS my two front teeth (I was having some dental work done)!
This year, as the clock ticks on, I realize that my little Christmas list is about to be forever changed...
I've never really been the kid who sits there and tells Santa everything they want (although I did love to look through the Sears catalog when I was a child). As long as I can remember, I've been happy that someone thought of me. It's what means the most--that someone thought of me, and that they paid attention to me. My mom is one of the best gift-givers around. Even when she misses the mark, there is still no such thing as a bad gift from my mother--probably because she knows me better than anyone on this planet.
God is like that (only SO much more): He knows what we want, and what we need, better than anyone else. His Father's Heart is so intuitive--He knows the request before we make it. He knows the need before it presents itself. He knows the heart's cry before the tears meet our eyes. Much like my mom got to know me really well from the womb, on, the Lord has known us from before conception. He knows our deepest things, good and bad....and He loves us, anyways.
When I was a little girl, all I wanted to be was a wife and a mother; I've blogged about this before. It's my one, genuine heart's desire. There are other things I would like to DO, but nothing has burned into me like what I want to BE. I consider myself a "passable" wife, if not occasionally, a bit of a shrew (okay, sometimes, more than a "bit." Add the "ch.":). I'm not the best housekeeper; I'm terrible with money (perhaps, because there isn't any, LOL!); and I'm nowhere near the cook in reality, that I thought I would be. But I love my husband...and we always make it work, by the grace of God. God takes care of us, even when it's seemed hopeless. I love being married, and I love the institution of marriage. I love it when people say we're a "cute married couple," even when they've heard us argue. David is my other half, plain and simple. Life with him is never dull, and I never want it to end--that's the kind of marriage I wanted, when I was a child.
I have it.
I am a wife--
And I'm about to be a mother...again.. Of course, as I say that, I hear the whispers of "anything can happen. Don't get your hopes up." I hear you, whispers--but I choose to ignore you. Not because I think that David and I are immune to heartache; I know better. I choose to ignore the negative possibilities because I have hope. Because I believe that God is good, regardless of the outcome. Because I believe that He is working miracles, even now.
This time, I get to keep my dream. 
There is a genuine fear that rushes through me, in that statement...like, I'm afraid to be that bold. Since Hannah died, I've struggled so deeply with fear, to the point that I was even afraid to admit that I loved my family, because if I admitted it, God would take them away. A missed phone call became the end of the world; a noise in a car engine meant a terrible accident was coming. Not a day went by, for an extended period of time, that I wasn't choked by some kind of fear. Anxiety has, in the past, been a constant companion.
I'm not going to say that I'm free and clear from all of that, but I will say that I've come a long way. I am learning that there is freedom in boldness: Embrace hope. I will be the mother to a beautiful baby boy that will grow healthy and strong, that will go to the nations! He will be a place of worship, and he is dedicated to the Lord--this is the statement I make every day. These are the words that I type in boldness, and the more I say it, the more the fear diminishes. 
This is a time of crazy faith, of insane boldness, and of true, genuine recognition of my own insufficiencies...this is a time of putting one foot in front of the other, and of being thankful for every single day.
Christmas this year marks a time of major transition. After 7 years together, this will be our last Christmas with just the two of us. These are the last nights that I have with my husband, alone...as crazy as it sounds, it's a tiny bit bittersweet. I cherish my time with him, even when it's just sitting in front of the TV. I find myself not wanting to leave the house (I've heard this is normal, at this point); I don't want to share him with anyone.  I'm cranky, emotional, and clingy--I don't really think David is enjoying my current phase, but I'm not giving him much of a choice. I'm overwhelmed with little tasks that need to be done, and with the daily issues that seem to keep creeping in (for the love of God, can my car stop breaking?!?). Every time I look at the bank account, I fall on my face in exasperation; my calendar at work has exploded, and I only have a few weeks left here, for training, planning, and for covering my leave.  I feel like the world is exploding...
But then, I catch my reflection...
Yes, the world is exploding. 
But I'm having a baby.
The thing, that they said would never happen?
It's happening.
It's really, truly happening.
I can see it...I can feel it...He's coming. 
Anticipation is outweighing Anxiety.
Hope is overcoming Fear.
Walls are falling, and victory is coming...
And I don't think that's just for me.
There are a lot of people out there who are struggling, and in need of a major breakthrough. Whether it's spiritual or physical, you just can't give up hope. 
God hears you...He really does...
Don't give up.
There really isn't much that I'd like for Christmas. Although I could still look through the Sears catalog and pick a few things, my taste these days, tends to be a bit more toward the practical: I'd like for my closet to be accessible...for my car to work...for the bills to be paid...
I'd like to spend time with David, without a TV running in the background (that's not always his fault--I'm guilty of this one!)...to hang out with a few friends that I haven't seen lately...to sleep through the night...to have a clean house. 
In a few weeks, I'd like to meet the little guy that's currently kicking my desk...I'd like doctors' reports that are miraculously normal. I'd like to have a baby dedication in front of my church, where we all stop to appreciate the wonder of life...I'd like for us all to understand the miracle of our kids.
That's what I want for Christmas...for the New Year. Simple things, for a simple girl...supernatural things, from a supernatural God. 
I believe that He cares for us.
I believe that He meets our needs.
I believe that He is worth hoping in...and I hope that you do, too.

I'm sure I'll be back on here before Christmas, but if I'm not, May you have the most wondrous of Holiday seasons...may Hope find you, may your heart be renewed, and may your spirit recognize everyday miracles...Merry Christmas, to you and yours...