I don't want to call it "dramatic," as that would imply hyperbole...it was just very, very raw and real, and not fun to write or even to acknowledge. The bottom line was that as soon as I hit "post," I regretted it.
I will not take it down.
Someone on social media who was a so-called "Instagram Star" took all of her profiles down, because as she put it, she had glamorized this "real" life of lies. It's so, so easy to create an alternative world for ourselves on Facebook and Twitter, or in blogs...I think we're all guilty of it, to a certain extent.
I mean, who wants to be "that person" on Facebook that's always complaining?? The advice I was given, to always find a way to end things on a positive note was not advice to blatantly lie. It was advice to always find a way to glorify God, even in the worst of situations.
I didn't really do that in my last blog, but I'm actually not sorry about that. He's kinda far away right now, as much as I hate to admit it (although that doesn't make it okay for me to not give Him praise for all of the awesomeness He's done in my life). I am actually "aggravated" with Him.
I don't think Christians have to fake their relationship with God. I don't think we have to lie and act like it's all sunshine and roses, and that He's this gigantic ball of always-happy cotton candy. He sees us; He hears us, and He knows us, and He knows that what we're going through totally sucks sometimes (see previous blogs). He GETS us.
He understands that when I look at Him, and see that He has the power to stop a lot of really sucky things, but doesn't, it doesn't make sense, and it's aggravating, to say the least. He knows me, and He knows my heart; He knows that I'm not one to sit here and say, "why do bad things happen to good people?!?!" I know the answers to that, and I'm not one to be accusatory towards Him.
I know my place in the Grand Tapestry, and I know that He's not required to explain the Big Picture to me at any given time.
That doesn't mean it's not aggravating, that He doesn't.
Sometimes, I'm not much more mature than my two-year old.
He still loves me, anyways.
I definitely still love Him.
He's my Father, and I'm His Child, and I know that He still holds me through the pouting, through the rage, and through the storms, just as much as He holds me when the sun is shining and all is right in the world. I don't consider that to be "taking advantage" of Him; I consider that part of what He signed up for as a Father, and part of what I signed up for, as His daughter. He loves me. He doesn't change His mind, and He'd rather I pout and still call His Name, than to sit in sullenness and turn my back to Him....and even if I did that, He would still be there.
He Is.
I change--I'm moody, tempramental, and in my current state, I'm random forms of batshit crazy (I give that phrase way too much screentime). I'm messed up on medication and I'm stressed out, and I'm an ever-fluctuating mess of hormones.
He Is.
I am grateful to Him, for all of this, even for the lousy parts...I think my biggest aggravation comes from the lack of information I was given at the beginning of this process. They told me that getting the TRH figured out would be difficult; not one person explained to me the emotional/mental stress involved in this process. Not. ONE.
I feel like my life has been cut off at the ankles, and until we can get the "prosthetics" of TRH figured out, I'm just going to stumble around like a drunken idiot. For someone who has been through so many major fluctuations in life, and so many oceans of rough waters, I'm struggling with feeling like I want to yell, "Hey, Lord, haven't I been through ENOUGH?!?!? C'MON, already!!!!!!!!!!!"
I know I'm not alone in that, and that I certainly am not the first or the last person to say that to Him.
I also know that there are no guarantees, and that the only way to get through this is to keep trusting Him...and to be smarter with my doctors.
One doctor wants to leave my Wellbutrin alone, and add something called Buspar to help with the anxiety [IT'S NOT A SPIRITUAL ISSUE, PEOPLE--it IS chemical, so please stop telling me I just need to pray more. Suck it! (I wish I had the courage to say that to people's face, sometimes...okay, perhaps that's a bad idea)]. Another doctor says I don't have to take the double-dose of the Armour Thyroid, since I'm not "tolerating it well" (I laughed at that phrase). Sooooo....since the Armour Thyroid is keeping the stupid cancer at bay, do we just forget increasing the dose, and roll the dice? Do we roll the dice with the anxiety meds, and keep trying new stuff until we get it right? I'm about DONE with all of this potion-process of guesswork. I'm really not inclined to turn my biology into a giant cake mix of troubleshooting.
Frankly, I'd like to take ALL of the meds I'm on, and burn them...they tell me that's a bad idea.
David (my husband) keeps reminding me that this is just a season...that it WILL get better, and that we can get through this. God knows we've been through worse...I know he's right. We CAN do this. This WILL get figured out, and I will be as close-to-normal as I can be. We're going to beat this stupid process, and things will be alllllll-right (as my sister's macaw likes to say).
It's one day at-a-time.
I am grateful that at least I have open doors of communication with my doctor (even if I had to kick one of them down pretty hard).
(Side-note: If you have a husband, or kids, or parents, and you're dealing with a health issue, REMEMBER THAT IT DOESN'T JUST AFFECT YOU. Doctors are not just caring for YOU. They're caring for you, and you're important to your ENTIRE family. You need to stand up to them when you have questions, when you feel like something's not right, or when you need more information; if you can't do it for you, DO IT FOR YOUR FAMILY. Put on your grown-up pants and find your voice, because in the direction that healthcare is going in this country, YOU'D BETTER BE ABLE TO STAND YOUR GROUND. Doctors are important. They're smart, they're educated, and they're very much an integral part of society. SO ARE YOU. They aren't any better than you are; as my dad likes to remind me, "everybody poops." So get it out of your head that they're calling the shots, because the way I see it? I WORK HARD FOR MY GOSH-DARN HEALTH INSURANCE. My health insurance takes my money that I work hard for, and pays my health care providers. MY DOCTORS WORK FOR ME, and by golly, my employees are going to engage in conversation with me!!! I am PAYING FOR ANSWERS, darn it, and I WILL GET THEM....for me, for my husband, for my parents, AND FOR MY SON. That's worth being uncomfortable, and it's worth pursuing excellence in healthcare. #EndRant)
Now that that's out of my system...
I've said all of that to say that I know we're going to be okay. We're only 5 (LONG) months into this process. It WILL get better--it has to. I know the promises of God, and I'm hanging on to them.
It's gonna be okay.
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