You Can Thank My Pastor

There are days in church where I feel like I'm sitting here in complete deception. Like, on the outside, I appear to be reasonably sane.....like I am relatively put-together...I've just finished singing, I didn't kill any notes, & the sound guy hasn't given me "the look," so I assume things went well...Everything looks okay...
And then the pastor hits on a sensitive spot in the sermon where the truth come out.....where ish gets real....and I suddenly feel like my heart has been replaced by a giant lump of freshly-blistered tissue in need of debridement that I neither want nor can handle.
I'm face-to-face with my own brokenness, with the after-effects of too many battles, of too much fighting, and of too much expectation of both myself and of the man I married.  I don't even know what to do with myself.
I have been told by more than one person that I missed my calling (they were wrong); I haven't. I know God has a plan, I know there is potential, and I know there is more to both David and to myself than people realize. I know I have dreams I haven't realized yet, and that my place in this life, even at 38, is far from finalized.
I know I have room for change, and for a lot of it.
I am tired of sitting in church, feeling like everything is some epic diatribe of guilt, like all that God is saying is how messed up and broken I am. That's really not what my pastor is saying; it's not what God is saying. It's just how stuff gets twisted in my ears.
Yes, I'm broken-but He makes me whole. Yes, I'm battle-worn-but why do I think I have to be the one who does all of the fighting? Yes, I'm a hot mess-but He calls me beautiful, even though He sees who I really am: frantic, manic, tense, stressed-out, hopeful, confused, and strange. He brings peace to all of that, without badgering me or dumping guilt on my head when I miss the mark.
I don't know where my life is leading. I don't know where things are going, and life right now feels like the days leading up to one heck of a battle. I know I need better unity in my household, and that my husband and I need to stop the BS bickering and come together like we're supposed to. I know we need to handle our financial situation. And I know that I have to drop the gloves and trust the Lord. I'm weary, and without finding true rest in Him, I'm stuck in this hamster wheel.
So, yeah, things LOOK fine. They're not, but they will be.
And it's perfectly okay to ugly-cry when your pastor accidentally says the right combination of words that wreck your barely-stitched-together heart.