Piece By Piece: Hope for Forgiveness

Song lyrics are intense...Music has such a tremendous ability to affect us; whether it's the key, the tempo, the lyrics, the dynamics--music can reach us in ways nothing else can. I know that's why God made it. He understands that music accesses parts of our brains and our hearts that we shut down. It unlocks us, and it opens up floodgates.
Blogs/statuses based in song lyrics always strike me as lame. It's just a cheesy thing, to me (I'm not hating on it; it's just not my thing), and I very rarely do it. This time, though, "Piece by Piece," by Kelly Clarkson, has caught my attention, and ultimately, it has unraveled me, and forced me to deal with some issues that I'd rather ignore.
On those rare occasions where song lyrics undo me, I usually find that God has a reason for it.
Every day, I pray the Lord's Prayer. Every. Single. Day. And every day, I stick in one part: Forgive me my sins, Lord, as I forgive those who sin against me.
"As I forgive..."
Every day, when I pray that prayer, the same face comes to mind: My biological father.
Why?
I'm so done with him--I want nothing to do with him; I never want to see him again. I currently don't even know if he's dead or alive, and I'm not sure I want to. I don't even think I'd go to his funeral, and if I did, I'd probably slap his corpse.
That's some rage, right there.
I could handle his abandonment of me, before I had children...
When I had my daughter, he never visited. He didn't come to her funeral, and had the audacity to shed crocodile tears over the phone (I will say that there was an ice storm the day before her funeral, but he never even tried).
I've never had so much as a phone call about my son.
The last time I saw him, he was a shaky mess of a person (I will not call him a "man"). I actually felt intense sympathy for him at the time...I had just found out I was pregnant with my son, but chose not to share that with him.
Prior to having children, I thought I was over it. I thought I'd forgiven him, that I was healed.
I was wrong.
He abandoned me...when he had the chance to make it right, he beat me. 
I look at my son, and I think, How?
What kind of monster walks away from a toddler? Was I like my son? Did I giggle over Sesame Street? Did I yell "HUGS!!!"  and run to tackle his knees? Did I want nothing more than to sit by him, to cuddle on the couch and watch cartoons?
How could he reject that?
How could he reject my sister--a happy, bubbly grade-schooler who NEEDED her daddy? How could he just walk away?
I don't understand, and I will NEVER understand, and every day I look at my son, I think of how I will ferociously hold his hand until my very last breath...The lyrics in this song remind me that I am not my father...I am nothing like him, and that is a huge gift from God and from my mother...

"Piece by piece I fell far from the tree
I will never leave [him] like you left me
And [he] will never have to wonder [his] worth
Because unlike you I'm gonna put [him] first"

My mother worked her ass off, to take care of us, even after she met my stepdad (who, in spite of the mistakes that I think a lot of stepdads-with-no-previous-experience make, has been one of the greatest gifts that God could have given me). She worked full-time, kept me in private school, sent us to church, kept us presentable, and kept the roof on the house. She was (is) a beautiful woman who could have been out living it up in her mid-20's...instead, she did what mamas do: She put us first.
Still does, really...
And she loves that grandbaby....She sees the rewards of staying, of caring, every time he gives her that beatific smile and says "Meee!!!!!"
And so does my stepdad--the Man Who Stayed. He is the only grandfather (on my side) that my son will ever need to know. He IS "PawPaw," and I am incredibly thankful for him. 

Marriage isn't easy. David and I have had a few rough patches, and even though we're 10 years into this thing, we're still finding our way. We get angry, we duke it out, we get through it/over it, and we move on. Not too long ago, I looked at myself and said that I'd had enough....that I was finished. I said I couldn't do this anymore...
It wasn't a proud moment.
Suddenly, I looked at my son and realized that he is the same age that I was, when my parents divorced....I picked him up, and the tears ran.  I cried out to God that I would not see the cycle repeated. I took a stand for my marriage, for my family, and for my household. I love the man I married...I think I've loved him since I was born....that God meant us to be together from the minute we took our first breaths. Does that mean this is a cakewalk? NO. But nothing is valuable unless you've worked for it, claimed it, prayed over it, cried over it, and sealed it in Jesus. My marriage is worth everything to me...and his fatherhood over our son is worth even more than that.
The next lyrics in the song are what  made me cry the most, because Kelly Clarkson wrote them about her husband, and how he's not the kind of person her father was:

"And you know he'll never walk away
He'll never break [his] heart
He'll take care of things
He'll love [him]
And piece by piece he'll restore my faith
That a man can be kind and a father should be great"

David is nothing like my bio-dad.  He is kind...he is faithful...he loves his son, and he loves me. He'd never raise a hand to me...he doesn't berate me, or hurt my heart...Sure, he's messy, but he's mine, and I will keep him forever. I can't imagine my life without him...and seeing him with our babies has made me love him even more.
He's everything I ever wanted, in a father for my children. He is a great father.
And in watching him, perhaps I can move past my anger and rage with my own father...

Someday, when I pray for God to "forgive me my sins, as I forgive those who have sinned against me," I'd like to feel that peace that comes when you've truly, honestly let it all go, and forgiven someone for the deep hurt/anger/resentment. I think when that finally happens, a restoration will take place that will be a game-changer in my relationship with the Lord. My hope is that this is one of those things, that piece-by-piece, God makes real in my soul...that the more I repeat it, the more it will come to pass. Resentment is ugly, and I don't want to carry it around.  I don't hate my bio-dad, but I sure as heck would like to know why he did what he did, and why he is who he is. Everyone goes through hard times, but everyone doesn't let their hard times turn them into a narcissistic alcoholic that abandons their family. I don't understand why he's done what he's done, and I wish I didn't care so much. I wish I could turn it off, and pretend he's dead, a non-issue...but I guess that's just a way for me to abandon him, and to turn the tables on my terms.

Piece by piece, Lord...Restore my faith that a man can be saved...that forgiveness is attainable, and necessary...

Day 15/16: Your Favorite Tumblrs & Your Views on Mainstream Music

Yesterday and today have been combined. Not only are Mondays particularly busy for me; my husband is also sick, so I figured my time was better spent doing anything BUT blogging. Besides—I don’t  know what a “Tumblr” is, and as I am currently inundated by social media, I have no desire to learn. I’m currently on a semi-break from Facebook and Twitter (why can people NOT understand this?!?!? My Twitter and Instagram feeds directly to my Facebook. So, I was barely on Facebook for a few days, but I was tweeting, and people were like, “I thought you said you were off of Facebook?” DUH. Look at the source—everything says it’s from Twitter! SO, because people can be clueless, I’ve stopped tweeting, too. I just need a break; if I hadn’t committed to this blog, I wouldn’t be doing it, either.). I figure if it’s that important, people have my cell phone number.

I don’t have a “favorite Tumblr.” ‘Nuff said.

As far as mainstream music goes, I don’t have much of an opinion. There’s not much to have an opinion on (at risk of sounding like my parents). I do love the trend of the “return of the musician.” Bands like Mumford & Sons, OAR, Of Mice & Men, or The Lumineers—these are bands that feature true talent, rather than the auto-tuned pop crap that we’ve all been subject to for the past few decades. I can appreciate their sound…Don’t get me wrong; there is a time and a place for synthesized hot messes. I just have no idea what that time and place is (then again, I’ve never been on drugs, so maybe that’s the answer?  Maybe techno actually sounds good when you’re stoned? I have no idea.).

I love that every few years, the exact same sound in music comes back around, only THIS time, it has a new name…like “dubstep.” (Now I REALLY sound like my parents. Or perhaps, like the two grumpy old men Muppets….) Dubstep is nothing more than dance music with a better bass and more computerized accents. To me, “dance,” “techno,” and “club” are the exact same thing, at different speeds. “Pop” could be anything. “Metal” is just…well, it has been/is/will remain total crap, as will anything with “metal” in the title. I have too many headaches to deal with that stuff.

Again, I know that I sound about 30 years older than I am. I really, really like folk music…music that features a story, well-played instruments, and very little post-production nonsense. I like a skilled musician…I’m a sucker for a good acoustic guitar player. I will always, always love Billy Joel—he may be the only piano player I could listen to, for hours. Jason Mraz makes my heart smile. I surprisingly like Phillip Phillips, and I do NOT like American Idol, so that was a lovely find. If I’m going to listen to pop, I like Mika—he’s like lyrical sunshine, politics aside.

I suppose I should give a section of this article to Christian music. I can spend more time telling you what I don’t like, than what I do like, which is sad. It seems like CCM (Contemporary Christian Music) has sounded the EXACT SAME for the past 25 years. Nothing (and I mean, NOTHING) has changed. Even the bands I grew up with—Rather than find fresh, new talent, they simply went back and picked other singers from other bands that were popular in the ‘90’s. I think that’s kind of selfish.

There is other talent out there, guys. There is no need to be a 50 year-old rapper, and it hurts my heart to say that, because I was and am such a huge fan…Take a break, and raise up the next generation.

Christian musicians are being taken away by secular bands who recognize their talent. The world is stealing our kids, folks, because Christian record labels ARE NOT GIVING THEM AN OUTLET!!!  It’s time for CCM magazines to STOP telling us what Christian bands “sound like” secular musicians. Why aren’t WE the forerunners?

We’ve got the market on praise music, sure…and that’s great. But let’s be truthful: Most of us are not sitting in our offices listening to Maranatha. We need music that gets us up and running. CCM artists tend to provide CCM radio stations with a blander version of their songs, just to get airplay (because, God forbid, CCM radio stations NOT SUCK!); we’re stuck with boring versions of songs that are played on heavy rotation (I swear, I seriously heard “Who Am I” like, 4 times in one day), and we’re sick of them! When you land on an internet-based Christian station like NGEN that plays upbeat, fun Christian music, you almost want to cry in desperation—it’s like water in the desert.

There are Christian artists that are pushing the envelope. Andy Mineo (rap) is amazing. Lecrae has been doing this forever; he, and artists like Tedashii, are making waves in all markets of rap music. But I don’t know where the artists are that can buck the trends. I like the Pistol Annies. Can we get a female Christian artist that doesn’t sound like a doormat?  Where are the musical Rahabs and Deborahs? 

When I found NGEN radio, I about blew up my local library—I’d write down the artists, and check out the CD. I found some amazing artists that I’d never heard of in St. Louis. Our radio market has one of the largest Christian radio stations in the country (Joy FM), yet it’s hardly the kind of music that is going to find its way into popular music. It’s boring and it’s overplayed. Any port in a storm—I do listen to it. And I know I sound like such a jerk—there is a POWERFUL ministry there. I realize that I’m among the overchurched spoiled brats who just want to be impressed. I know. I get so caught up in my own sarcasm that I forget about the lives that stations like Joy FM, or The Bridge have touched. It’s touched my life more than I realize. 

But there’s more out there.

Christian music has got to spread its’ wings, musically, and socially. There is more to Christian music than CCM, but very little means to publicize it, which is where the church MUST step up. We have to fund it; we have to run it; we have to produce it. We have to stick our necks out there, physically and financially. Some of us aren’t in a place where we can; others are in a place of abundance. We need to give when/where we can.

Music has a way to reach people across every level. It breaks through borders and language barriers; financial separations and logistical nightmares. Music affects us all, and as Christians, we need to make it our very strongest weapon (outside of prayer).  The walls of Jericho fell through obedience, prayer, and through MUSIC—worshipping God. Imagine what WE could do with the same methods?

So, my views on mainstream music are a little bit more than just an opinion on bands. They’re a philosophy. And that’s it.

Day 11: Assault of the iPod

I've actually REALLY been looking forward to today's post. I think a playlist says a lot about a person. So, today's challenge is to put your iPod on shuffle, and list the first 10 songs that played. Here's my list:

1.   “Joe Cool Blues” by Wynton Marsalis (I kid you not, that was the first song. I officially feel cooler than I did 10 minutes ago)
2.  “Bye Bye Bye” by ‘N Sync (Consider my "cool" feeling utterly destroyed)
3. “Kiss the Rain” by Yiruma (Yep--it's from the "Twilight" soundtrack. Shut up.)
4.  “Don’t Need A Reason” by Missy Higgins (Just a good singer. I really like her music).
5.  “Don’t Talk (Put Your Head on My Shoulder”) by The Beach Boys (I hate The Beach Boys. Or should I say, I dislike their "lead" singer? I lost a lot of respect for him after seeing part of a free concert of theirs a few years ago. I thought he was terribly rude.)
6.    “Above All” by Steve Fee and Candi Pearson (I have a lot of worship music on here, so I'm a bit surprised that only one song came up)
7. “Shelter From the Storm (Alternate Version)” by Bob Dylan (Kind of like Michael W Smith--I'm not a fan of the voice, but I like the lyrics. I just got my cool factor back!)
8.   “Creep” by Macy Gray (I love this version of this song. It's totally brilliant...minus Macy's weird need to drop F-bombs in the chorus!!! TOTALLY RUINS IT! I'm like, did you REALLY have to do that?!? It's so good, without it!)
9.     “Memory” by Sarah Brightman (Amazing. Perfect. Vocal history. Not enough words, to describe this woman's voice)
10. “Secret” by The Veronicas (Questionable band. I like them...but I don't know why.)

So, there you go. Form your own opinions. I've been in the process of trying to filter my music collection (bye, Tupac. Sigh), as it's time to grow up. It's time to purify.  So, slowly-but-surely, things are getting deleted....and I'm feeling a whole lot better about listening to my iPod around my son...

The Random Answers in the iPod...

David and I share an iTunes account. This has it's own pluses and minuses--this means that when I sync "all checked music" to my iPod Classic, I'm going to get his stuff mixed in with mine.
On the plus side, David has introduced me to a ton of different worship music that really blows my mind. I was raised on Maranatha and Hosanna (it had its time). He taught me Vineyard, and as I've gotten older, I've learned to love it.
On the minus side, it means I'm stuck with jazz...which I hate...in most forms.
Of course, it also means that David is stuck with my love of show tunes and rap music, so we're pretty even :)
We have a shared external hard drive that contains all of our music and movies--we're getting close to 20,000 songs, and most of those fit onto my iPod, so you can imagine when I hit "shuffle," anything can happen. I never know what I'm going to hear next. It could be a classic 80's jam...it could be Phantom of the Opera. It could be George Thoroughgood--who knows?
Sometimes, God speaks through the Randomness of The iPod. Today, a song came on that so clearly summed up how I feel about both my husband and my son; I'm going to share the lyrics, for my friends that are hanging on to hope deferred. I'd not heard it before--it's called "Answered Prayer" by Keri Noble. Hang on, my friends...hang on to your Prayers Like Hannah....He hears you.

You are the answered prayer

That I thought was never heard

But here you are in front of me

And I admit, I'm finding it hard to breathe and

I believe in answered prayer

I put away what I thought was youthful faith

 But someone must have heard my silent cry

For here you are before my eyes

And now you know that you are the reason why

I believe in answered prayer

Some may try to convince me

That this is what everyone else feels

 But I know that God and I are the only ones

Who ever heard my appeal, that's why

You are the answered prayer

That I thought was never heard

But here you are in front of me

And I admit that I'm finding it hard to breathe

And I believe in answered prayer

 You are my answered prayer