Wandering...

Days like this I feel like I'm
Wandering
All
Over
The
Page...
I can't keep up with Myself
Yet I'm
Accomplishing
Nothing.
The media onslaught reminds me
 Of what's coming...
The Monster At The End of
This Week...
I don't need
Reminders
Of what I've lost
 And of what hasn't
Happened
Yet.
I don't need
Reminders
Of who I was
Or what I'm Not.

Things to do...
Ways to stay busy...
Places where I can
Run away
But is it safe to cry?
Or will it
Be a burden to someone else?
I don't know.

I'm sick of myself,
Sick of feeling this way...
Sick of wondering what
People think...
Sick of feeling
Misunderstood
And Sick of "just pushing through."
Sick of wandering...
Sick of wondering...

You don't understand;
You couldn't.
Similar situations are not
My situation.
God understands,
But since He put me in this
"Situation"
 To begin with,
 I don't really want to talk to Him.

Every now and then,
Can I stomp my feet?
Can I shake my fist?
 Can I stay under the blankets
And swear at the complete lack of
Resolution?

Angry...
Sad...
Confused...
Marginally hopeful...
Not getting any younger...
Surrendered?
Or Resigned?
Frustrated...
...Wandering.

The Rehab (No, No, No!):

I've had a few people ask me to post some before-and-after pictures of the updates, so here we go! First of all, our little "rehab" was pretty much the entire downstairs (minus the laundry room--who sees that?!?). All of the rooms were painted, trim and doors were painted, a new backsplash was installed, and our kitchen countertops were painted. Here's the Before: This is the entertainment center and the living room (note the paint color!):

Here's the exciting orange kitchen:

And, here's the guest bathroom:

Here's the updated guest bathroom (I can't get the pictures to line up properly. But you get the point!):

Here's the updated living room (Fresh, happy color!!!!):

Here's our updated kitchen, with the amazing reclaimed tin backsplash:

So, there's the finished product! My mom and dad, and their best friends, were an enormous help. In the living room, the TV was mounted to the wall; the entertainment system has been removed, and replaced with elegant floating shelves. The kitchen, of course, got the new backsplash and the updated countertops. We'll eventually put in new countertops, but for now, the painted counters will do. By the way, I wouldn't recommend painting the countertops. 2 days in, and there are already marks on the surface. It might do well in a guest bathroom, or in a slow-traffic area of the house, but not in the kitchen. It looks good for now, though, and later this summer, new counters will go in. Our house is a split-level house, so painting the walls is a huge challenge. Having my mom here to work with was a huge blessing (they were ALL a huge blessing!), because I'm terrified of ladders. Not heights--just ladders. Having a great team of people to help was amazing. My brother-in-law came in a pinch when my radiator blew up, so both sides of our families were phenomenal! I feel like I should give out awards!!! Let me know what you think. Unless you hate it. Then I don't care. :) I'm tired, but it was great to go back to work today knowing that I worked hard, that we got it all done, and that we can consider it finished for now. Oh, and if anyone's selling/giving away nesting tables, or a small 3-drawer metal cart, we're interested!!!!!!!

Where have YOU BEEN?!?!?

I really, REALLY need to get on here and post more often. 'Cause, when I finally DO sit down here and say what's up, I wind up writing a NOVEL. For. REAL. So, I'm going to break this up into 4 parts, and you can just scroll down to what you're interested in: 1. The Dog and the Garden (Just found out that tabs don't work in a blog!) The dog is doing exceptionally well. The Amazing Dr. Pat Tate saw her in the parking lot on the day that her staples were removed, and remarked that she is incredible. Holly is the WonderDog, and we are thankful that God is allowing her a quick recovery! She thinks she's fine, so keeping her quiet is definitely the hardest part. The garden is quite the amazing experience. Challenged by the incomparable Paige Clausen, I built 2 raised garden beds this spring, and planted cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, squash, peppers, snap peas, lettuce, spinach, kale, cabbage, a "French salad blend," several herbs (in pots), and Lord knows what else. Frost be darned, it's all growing quite well. We were able to make our first harvest this weekend, and since we've recently started juicing (thanks, Ms. Helbig!), the garden's really going to come in handy. Evidently, we like carrots A LOT in juice form, so next year I'll be planting those as well (somewhere).

2. The Anniversary 7 years have gone by, since I said "I do" to that amazing guy. David and I have been through more stuff than some couples will see in 70 years, much less, 7, and I'm so proud that he picked me! Even though in the middle of this Home Makeover, I find myself wanting to throw a paint can at his head, I love him very much. He makes my soul smile, and I wouldn't have him any other way. Our anniversary was spent getting a massage at the Healing Arts Academy (highly recommended, for those of us on a budget--student massages are $35/hour, and even though they're students, guess what? There's almost no such thing as a "bad" massage. We've had one great massage there, and one ho-hum massage there. I had a St. Louis Post-Dispatch coupon for an hour massage, for $17, so I'm not complaining. We'd go back.) Anyways, I also had a Living Social coupon for Jilly's Cupcakes, so after our de-stressing massages, we had a healthy lunch at Sansai, followed by a total gluten-fest at Jilly's. Yes, the saying is true: David, I love you like a fat kid loves cake. The sad fact that cake makes me happy, as noted earlier this week on Facebook, makes me realize how warped and food-dependent I am. I. Love. Cake. Period.

3. The "Extreme For Us" Home Makeover I got this "bright" idea to burn up some vacation time, with a "staycation." Since any ideas of a holiday have been demolished by the cost of Dear Holly's surgery (she'd better live to be 100, that's all I'm sayin'), and since our house has looked the same for 7 years, I decided to call in my army of family, and freshen up the downstairs. When we bought this house, David moved in first, then we got married, and then I moved in. In that process, I had appendicitis, and 6 weeks before my wedding, as we were frantically trying to find a house to move in to, I was hospitalized. He found the house, I signed for it sight-unseen (in a tremendous act of faith/submission/blind love), and began to work on it while I planned the wedding and recovered (and tried to work). It was a time of massive, frantic chaos (and should have served as fair warning for the scope of our matrimony). So, we were trying to pick wall colors, and frankly, I didn't really care. I had a few things I liked, he knew what he wanted, and I had just had my appendix ripped out, so for the past 7 years, our living room has been a pleasant beige-and-brown; our kitchen has been a rather loud orange; and our guest bathroom has been a blah-shade of ivory-maybe-peach. David said that I could pick what I wanted, and now, ta-da! Our kitchen is...um...well, it's a much calmer shade of orange (aka, "Golden Sunset" and "Pumpkin Bread," our living room is "Meadow Fresh" green (sounds like laundry detergent), and the guest bathroom is (my favorite) "3-Olive Martini." I have to give a HUGE shout-out to the Lowe's in Arnold--I can honestly say that I've NEVER had such incredible customer service in a big-box store, much less, a hardware store. They were super-nice, and since I'm not getting anything from them for free, you know I'm telling the truth. Based on advice from The Man, Mr. Greg Jones, we found some tin that was reclaimed from O'Connell's Pub in St. Louis, and my uber-awesome Dad hung it up as a fancy-schmancy tin backsplash in the kitchen. The final touch came today, with all of the doors and trimwork getting a fresh coat of paint. We also took a risk, and painted our countertops with a specialty paint. Because we went with a flat color, we're hoping that it looks more "real" than the marbling kits that are out there. Really, that backsplash is something phenomenal. When this house finally sells, it will be hard to leave that behind. I love knowing that we not only reduced our carbon footprint; we have a piece of St. Louis history to say "Good Morning!" to us every day. I love this city, and now it's in my house.

4. Church So, one of my homies called me the other day, to say that people at Southgate were asking where we'd been. That's cool...just a kind reminder, I'm still here, reachable via cell, e-mail, Facebook, and Twitter (@CassidyCooley). If you're curious, let me know. This has been a delicate, careful transition, and the last thing I want is for rumors to start. David and I have loved, and been loved, by people at Southgate since we returned from Kentucky in 2009. Of course, when we left in 2008, we left our beloved Rivers of Life...when we came back, ROL had fully merged with Victory in an unprecedented act of unity and downright awesomeness. Frankly, I think that more churches need to take note of the process that Southgate has gone through in both merging, and in birthing a new church. It's pretty phenomenal, and though the little things may cause internal bickering (logos, coffee in the sanctuary, what have you:), when you look at the community of the big picture, it's pretty cool. Southgate is a huge supporter of the Gateway House of Prayer, and works together with World View Community Fellowship to keep GHOP, well, "hopping." We spent quite a bit of time praying about where God would like for us to serve, and in this season, World View is where He has put us. It doesn't mean that we're leaving Southgate with any anger--Christians need to get over thinking that transitions happen because of bad things. Sometimes, God just moves you, period. David's heart has been pulling in this direction for some time; I risked God's blessing on our household because I would not submit. I finally got my head out of my rear, prayed with the right heart, and here we are. I miss my Southgate friends, so this will challenge me to not be a hermit, and to keep in touch. We've spoken with who we needed to speak to, in leadership, and we have peace about this decision. More importantly, we have unity (no one ever said that would come without sacrifice!). So, we're there, and I'm here, and we have nothing but total love for both churches. Honestly, I'm still listening to the SG podcasts, and I'm excited about where God is taking the church. Cool things, totally!!! I realize, that as I intro'd, I have written a novel. I really, REALLY need to get on here more often. I'm off of work for the rest of this week, and there are more flat surfaces that can be painted in my house, so for now, I have to go. For one last thing, I'd really like to win the Mother-Daughter Look-Alike contest. Mom deserves it, especially after having to listen to me rant for 20 solid minutes this afternoon while I was high on countertop paint-fumes:

From the Heart...

I'll be posting on this periodically, up until the very day of The Walk.
I am super-excited to be a co-captain for the UMSL Heart Walk Team. This walk, which takes place in the Heart of St. Louis, at Busch Stadium, is the single largest fundraiser for the American Heart Association in our area. Funds raised from this endeavor supports research for people like me (and maybe you!). The walk is free, and will held rain-or-shine, from 7:30-around noon (although I'm told we'll be done between 10-11, there will be booths and plenty of things to see after our walk has finished). This 1-mile walk is preceded by a brief address by none other than Ozzie Smith!
If you aren't able to take a stand and walk with us, please consider making a donation to the American Heart Association.
Links to join the team, or to donate funds, are at end of this e-mail. NOTE: PLEASE PREREGISTER! This will help us keep track of who to expect; UMSL's team will have a specific gathering area at the Stadium. Please let me know if you need any additional information!

JOIN THE TEAM:
Join my team in 3 easy steps:
1)Click on the link below to visit my web page
2)Click the “My Team Page” link
3)Click the “Join our Team” link and follow the prompts to register

Did you know?
-1 in 3 Americans have some form of cardiovascular disease.
-Heart disease kills more women than all forms of cancer combined.
-36,000 babies are born with heart defects each year.

Together, we can change these statistics! Join me, and then help our team grow by forwarding this email to anyone else who may want to raise funds and make a difference in our community. Thank you, in advance, for your participation.


Follow This Link to visit my personal web page and help me in my efforts to support American Heart Association-MO Greater St. Louis

MAKE A DONATION:


With the click of a mouse you can make a secure, tax-deductible online donation. You will not only be supporting me, you will be funding the fight against the No. 1 killer of Americans. The link below will take you to my personal donation page. If you prefer, you can also mail me a donation directly.

Did you know that heart disease claims the lives of more people than the next 3 leading causes of death combined? Here is how your online donation will help:

-$25 gives 50 people educational materials that teach them how to personally reduce their risk of heart diseases and stroke
-$50 delivers the message of healthy nutrition to elementary school students through lesson plans and activity guides
-$100 allows one hospital to teach its patients, caregivers, and health professionals about the risks of stroke – the nation’s No. 4 killer

Chances are you or someone you know has a connection to heart disease or stroke - forward this message to your friends and family. Thank you, in advance, for your support!http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

Thank you!

Double your Donation! Matching Gifts are an easy way to increase your donation. If your employer offers a matching gift program, please complete the matching gift form (available from your employer) and submit it to me or your local American Heart Association office. Find out if your employer participates in a matching gifts program by visiting http://www.matchinggifts.com/aha.


Follow This Link to visit my personal web page and help me in my efforts to support American Heart Association-MO Greater St. Louis

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Cassidy Cooley

Faithful Friend...

Healthcare is a field that I've been privileged to work in since 2001. It's still hard for me to believe that it's been that long! I've always worked in an administrative capacity, whether it's as a receptionist, office manager, or "marketing chick;" I did have brief stint as a medical assistant, which I found fascinating. (My favorite stories always involve guys with tattoos who were terrified of shots. Hilarious!).
Anyways, my patients have always been able to talk back. That's actually a very cool thing, even when they're whiny (like me! I'm a TERRIBLE patient!). They can tell you when they hurt or when they feel better...they can tell you when something is seriously wrong, or when they truly need help.
Twice in my lifetime, I've had patients that were seriously in need, that couldn't tell me. One was my daughter--and yes, even though I know that what she had was completely unpreventable, as a mother, you always wonder what you could have done differently.
The second patient is my dog.
Please know that I'm not some "crazy dog lady." Okay, so there are pictures of her all over my desk.
And, I'm considering a pawprint tattoo (in a totally non-obvious place).
And, I just spent more money on her than our vehicles are worth.
Okay, I'm a crazy dog lady.
Seriously, though, I think that you have to appreciate Holly's faithfulness. We bought her in 2005, just a few months after we married. She was to be our "practice" for raising children. Holly has been the focal point of a few arguments in our marriage, starting with her very first day. I wanted a rescue dog; David wanted a pure-bred.
I maintain that my husband is a dog-snob.
As a person of questionable origin, I hope to own a grizzly ol' mutt at some point in my life; for now, though, my princess Holly is the perfect answer to our canine prayers, and I have to say that David picked a good one.
Holly came from a litter of 3, from what I believe to be a puppy mill (although believe me, we had no idea at the time. I'd still like to track down the seller to be sure). She threw up on her very first car ride home; from the second I saw her, I was in love. We got her after Thanksgiving, before Christmas, and her name came from the Mikasa store at St. Louis Mills. AKC registered as "Christmas' Holly Golightly," she has proven to be the perfect combination of snobbery and slobbery.
David decided that Cesar Milan, the "Dog Whisperer," provided the perfect model of dog training. If you know Holly, then you know she is the poster child for a submissive dog. She does tend to be a little bit nervous, especially when we leave. She listens to David when he's home; she is obedient to me when he's not. If a stranger approaches, and "Daddy" isn't around, Holly goes into protector mode. I have no doubt that the dog can handle her business!!!
When we found out we were pregnant, Holly was trained to know that the nursery is not her room. She'd lay her head on my ever-expanding belly, and when Hannah kicked, Holly would jump off of the couch. To finally bring the baby home, was a day of joy for all of us, Holly included. This small stranger was Mommy's to hold, but Holly's to protect.
During the grieving process, Holly never left my side. She was frequently the only joy in my day. During our move to Kentucky, Holly was my company in a state full of strangers. Lexington was a very forward-thinking, dog-friendly city, and St. Louis could stand to learn a lot from their dog parks and pet-catered events. We went everywhere together.
Coming back in 2009, Holly was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism, which is regulated with medication (just like a human). Until November, 2011, all was well for our little family. At that point, during some family pictures, we noticed how much weight our dog had gained. We chalked it up to using Beneful (terrible choice of dog food--it's like candy). I had also been feeding her too much (because she was eating the food so fast!!!). Holly began showing a slight limp.
2 vets, and a specialist later, we found out that our dog had torn both ACLs in her hind legs. Thanks to Sherry LoRusso, we got a final opinion from Dr. Pat Tate at Webster Groves Animal Hospital. Yep--she definitely needed major surgery.
This began the hardest part of the decision. Would she ever be right again? Could she have a good quality of life? How in the world are we going to afford this? Should we let her go, or maybe even give her to a family that could afford the surgery? David and I cried...and prayed...and cried some more. This past Tuesday, Holly had bilateral TPLO surgery, which involves cutting the bones and reinforcing her knees with a lot of hardware. Turns out that my stoic little patient not only tore both ACLs; she also had 3 meniscal tears in her left knee.
Finding out that my dog was injured that badly was quite the blow. I'm still not convinced that I have the maternal instinct of a q-tip. I feel like I should have some kind of intuition, some sort of 6th sense that something is wrong, and I'd be lying if I didn't say that I feel terribly guilty that my dog was hurt so bad. She's going to have around 16 weeks of therapy before she's back to normal; the first few are, of course, critical. It's gross, but here's the picture of one of her incisions:

Holly is particular--she ignores most people, and will not eat in public. If you're watching, she will NOT go to the bathroom, and she never wears a "collar;" it's known as her "jewelry." She's not such a happy puppy right now...she's getting used to the Cone of Shame:

Our prayers for our little friend are that she have a speedy recovery. She's been such a faithful companion--we can't imagine our lives without her, even though I'm pretty sure that it will take selling a kidney to get this thing paid off! :) I'm joking, actually--Dr. Tate and Webster Groves Animal Hospital were able to do this surgery by a method that will not only allow for her faster recover; it was almost $2000 cheaper than our original estimate. It wasn't cheap, but that's not the most important part. It's the most important that we remain good stewards of a wonderful pet that God brought into our lives.
Holly is the only "child" we have right now. We had her before Hannah; we've had her after Hannah. She's given us a happy heart to come home to (and a wiggly butt) that makes us smile on our worst days. She's taught me lessons about love and faithfulness that I couldn't have learned from any where else, and I'm thankful to call her my girl.

"Love So High..."

"Your love is so high,
Your love is so wide,
Your love is so deep,
Your love is so long...."

It's one if those worship songs that gets repeated ad infinitum during a service...you find yourself singing along, thinking that you get the point....then you get distracted...then you find yourself mindlessly moving your lips...and then you realize that you've just checked out, and are basically doing Christian karaoke in a group setting. Not. Cool.
I caught myself doing that today, and God knows how many times I've been guilty of it in the past...Worship is so dear to me; it's my love language with God, so when I blow it, it really resonates. God caught my attention back pretty quickly, though, and the words to this song started to hit home.
When we (or, maybe it's just me) sing this song, where's our head at? Are we actually considering physical distances? People do these little hand motions-really?! (I'm too cool for choreography, LOL!!!) Are we really thinking about what those words encompass?
"Your love is so high"
How high are we willing to go, to test the limits? Are we willing to drop the baggage, and let Him take us to the secret places? Or do we trust Him so little that we'd rather be weighed down?
"Your love is so wide."
We stretch out our arms...because that's as far as we can think. "As far as the East is from the West..." I'm directionally-dysfunctional, but even I know that East never meets up with West. That's the grace of God. It's so endless...we can't comprehend it. I get angry, I hold on to things. I stay mad....I recently recalled an upsetting conversation that happened in November, and was surprised to realize that my anger is still palpable. I'm still mad. My love, evidentally, is not very Jesus-like...it's pretty thin. I need to learn how to have wide love. :)
"Your love is so deep."
This is the phrase that God stopped me on: "So deep". We think of metaphors like "deep like a river," or "deep like a well." He challenged me this morning--"How deep do you think I can go?" We think of depth as being something that's 3-dimensional.....we're wrong. Specifically, I'm wrong. God's love transcends space and time. I'm kind of a closet sci-fi geek, so time-travel things really pique my interest. He caught me on this one, when He asked me if I believed that His love was deep enough to untangle the past. Is it deep enough to undo the hurt? Is it deep enough to restore faith, deep enough to cast Light in the shadowy places? Deep enough to love me when I face the failures, the doubt, the anger? Is His love deep enough to wash it all away and heal the rawness underneath?
Do I trust in that Unfailing Love? Can I let Him in?
I've had to face some real ugliness this year, & it's only just begun. I find myself blocking off the love of God, of wanting it so desperately, but of thinking that I'm too disgusting for Him to give it to me. I hang on to phrases like "He delights in me" because I want Him to so badly, but I know that I'm not good enough for it. I know that this is an attack, and that I've struggled with this for decades. I know that He loves me, but I get in my own way so often-I don't trust that His love is deep enough to dive into. I consign myself to a shallow limitation.
So...in essence, I tell God that He can't handle me.
Wow.
We all limit His love in our own ways. How deep do you see His love? Deep enough to fix you? Or deep enough to take you down to dirt and clay, to create something entirely new?
Finally, "Your love is so long."
To go back to the space-time-sci-fi thingy, we can't consider that this is a measurable distance. If the depth of the Father's love corrects and renews the brokenness of the past, then surely the length of His love protects and saves the future! I can't see what is to come. I have my hopes and my heart's desires, but no knowledge. What I have, is trust. Although I struggle with my present state, and my past mistakes, one thing that I am sound on is believing that He has the future prepared. I get impatient...I want things now. But I believe that I have to trust in His timing more than anything else, and so I will wait. I trust Him. I trust in the length of His love....
The height: the chance to be free and soar
The width: the chance to be fully embraced
The depth: the chance to be renewed
The length: the chance to be secure

Strange, how a simple verse or chorus can blow your mind, when God gets a hold of it...

Restoration...

I should so totally be asleep right now. My soft music is playing, I've had my kiss goodnight, and all is peaceful on the surface at the Cooley household...but here I am.
Fragments and filaments of failed relationships are keeping me up tonight. Memories of things said and unsaid are pestering me, and though I'm praying for restoration, my heart longs for a speedier resolution than what I'm seeing. My failures are driving me crazy.
A lack of communication...a misundrstanding that got ugly...I've prayed over it for 8 months now. Another fail, a total ignoring of/by someone else--2 years, and it's not right. College relationships and wrong impressions...total losses of integrity....compromises that never should have happened...These are the things that piledrive me at night.
My relationship with God is one thing. I ask for forgiveness--He gives me beautiful grace. But the people I've hurt? I don't talk with most of them. I'd love nothing more than to hear them say that they've forgiven me....that everything is okay.
I'd love to hear them say that we are restored. Everyone makes mistakes, yes, but how great would it be, to hear that it's all been cleared up? I hope I never run for office or write a wildly popular book. I have serious fears that people would come out of the woodwork to announce my shortcomings. I can hear it now: "She can't lecture on God's grace!!!! I was there when she took that shot of Jaeger in 1999!!!!" (Disgusting stuff, BTW.) Or, "She can't write a children's book! She was mean to a co-worker in 2011!!!!" (More than once, I'm afraid)... I don't know...these are not only relationships that have gone south, or examples of stupidity; they're also the ammunition that the enemy uses to keep us from doing the plans God has for us. Restoration is amazing, because it's God making something so whole again, that you can never tell that it was ever broken. That's what I want to see...in relationships from my workplaces past & present, in my family, and in those old friendships that one never truly forgets...that's one of the areas I'd like to see God move in this year...
So, if you happen to have an issue with yours truly, please talk to me. Because you might be the reason that I can't sleep tonight.