Age Aint' Nuthin But A Number, Baby...

Once upon a time, there was a girl who had every dream laid out in her head…By 23, she’d be married. There would be a house and a yard, there might be a picket fence, there would be a husband who loved her…He’d take her away from the chaos of home, and the rules of her parochial education; there would be plenty of money in the bank, they’d be well on their way to those 2.2 children, and they’d have a cat. She’d have her Master’s degree in English, and all would be right in the world. She’d eventually become a celebrated children's author, and she’d teach teenagers the beauty of language and expression, and oh, how God would work through her! She’d save the world, one term paper at a time…

Sure, she trusted God…and oh, yeah, she believed she would follow His will…if it followed THE PLAN…”Yes, Lord, I surrender…if…and…but…however…um…”

Somehow, life has not worked out according to THE PLAN.

33 is fast approaching. Every year on my birthday, for the past 11 years (I think), I have sat down and wrote a poem about where I’m at that year. This year is hitting a nerve, and there’s around 1,000 reasons why. Do I feel like a bit of a failure? Honestly? Yes, I do, even though I know I shouldn’t.

In fact, as I look at this year, I’m in a far better place spiritually, than I’ve ever been. These past 11 months have been blowing me away, and I’m continuously amazed at what God is telling me. I know this is just an attack…maybe if I voice it, and lay it all out there, then I will deal with this on a better level…

33. It’s how old Jesus was when He was crucified, and that realization TOTALLY bums me out. Of course, to counter, it’s also the age at which He was radically glorified, so I could focus on that, but really, there’s more drama in being sad about the age, and we all know how I love drama, so I’ll focus on the negative (oh, I’m laughing at myself, now!:) Seriously, though, it sounds so FINAL. Like, I’m in my mid-30’s. I see celebrities in their mid-30’s, and they look amazing. They’re filthy rich. They have their 2.2 kids, and they have flat stomachs, and I pale in comparison (yes, I know, I’m not supposed to compare myself to anyone, much less celebrisnots that can pay someone to work out for them. But, I’m wallowing in this blog, so leave me alone).

(The more I type, the more I start laughing at myself, so bear with me. I’m pretty sure by the end of this blog I’ll have sorted myself out.)

I find myself feeling really disappointed with life. I’m not where I want to be, physically, educationally, or financially…I know it’s a matter of time, but I’m one impatient force of nature, so I want my credit cards paid off, my butt to be smaller, and my hair to look nice for once, and I WANT IT NOW, so darn it, as hard as I work, why is it all not happening to me? (Insert whine here.) There are people that I see that have had 5 children by this age, and I haven’t. I’m about to be 33, and I feel like a ticking time bomb. Yeah, plenty of women have children after 35. They weren’t diagnosed with a heart condition. This wicked combination of jealousy and disappointment is dangerous, and if I dwell on it too much, especially this time of the year, it will cut me off at the ankles…I’ve been down this road before, and I know where it ends up (Xanax and a bottle of wine. I’m serious. Not good.). I think I’ll try something else….

“Count your many blessings,
Name them one by one.
Count your many blessings,
See what God has done…..”

This whole season is an attack, and I think the little things are tripping me up. Looking around at other people, and comparing myself and my life to them, or to THE PLAN that I always had in my head, is undermining me during a time that I really don’t need or want to be undermined. I want my focus to be on where God is taking me, not on where anyone else is at.

Sure, they have 5 kids. Sure, that chick’s a yoga instructor with a sick body that I will never have. Sure, they just bought a new car and I’m looking at needing new tires. What do I have?

Let me tell you what I have. Let me tell you what I remind myself of every single day (I’m serious. I actually started writing things on my bathroom mirror with a dry-erase marker to remind me to keep my focus). I have an amazing husband who is way cooler than most people will ever know. I have a fantastically psychotic family that will tell you what they really think, rather than put up a front and let you believe a lie. I have a job that I actually enjoy most of the time. I have a church family that listens to me when I cry, laughs when I sing bad karaoke, and teaches me to put feet to my faith. I do not have a picket fence….and I do not have a cat. I have a dog, and a chain link fence that warns people that she will eat their face off. I have a dog that, when she’s not tripping me up during a run, makes me feel welcome every time I step into my little house. I have a home with my husband that is full of pictures of two people who love each other ferociously…I have the memories of a little girl that I will see again someday, and I have the love of a Savior Who promises me—Who bet His life on—an eternity with Him. I have seen 33 years on this planet of love, betrayal, loyalty, pain, poverty, and blessing, and I think that if I died tonight, I could do so knowing that my life was full. I have traveled abroad and in my own country; I have flown and cruised and hopped a train. I have roller skated with a dog, and I have held an alligator that could have easily eaten my arm. I’ve met people who have survived unimaginable odds, and I’ve been one of them. I’ve faced the greatest pain a woman can know, and I have buried my own child…and I have lived to not only tell the story, but to see the story teach someone about the love of God.

33 years have I on this planet, and if I want to sit around and whine that life’s not what I planned on it being, then I’m wasting time that I do not have. THE PLAN is really not so important to me, for the most part, as I’m learning to trust His plan overall. These times when I lose my focus, it always works to remind myself that His plans are always for good—God. Is. Good!!!! I caught myself the other day, when the pastor said “God is good!” responding in my head, “Sometimes.” Where the heck did that come from!!!?!?!?!? What do I BELIEVE? No, not “what have I been told to say when someone says ‘God is good’?” What do I BELIEVE? I BELIEVE God is good! All the time—not just when things go according to THE PLAN! I KNOW God is good! I KNOW this, because even in the midst of despair, even in the midst of seeing the floor drop out from under my faith, I saw His hand work! I see it even now, even when I’m attacked over this stupid “33” thing!

One of the doctors in the practice said something beautiful to me today when I mentioned that I’m kinda dreading this birthday. He said that “if you spend your whole life waiting to be happy, then you spend your whole life waiting.” That’s so deep. I mean, REALLY. Give that one a few seconds to sink in. Who wants to spend their whole life “waiting” for something that may or may not happen? What does it take, to “be happy” on this crazy earth, any how? Are we, as Christians, ever supposed to “be happy” in the first place? Aren’t we always gonna feel a little out of place, a little homesick, if we’re doing things right? There’s joy…there’s peace. I think “happiness” is a human emotion, whereas joy and peace are spiritual states. Am I happy that the clock is ticking, and that yet another year has gone by? Not particularly, when I look at the bills, the dress size, the empty nursery, and my bachelor’s degree (I really, REALLY want to go back to school). However, when I look at what the last year has held, how could I not celebrate it with joy? It’s been a great year!!! I’m hoping it’s followed by another great year! If time stopped, how many awesome things would go unfulfilled?!?

So, Cassidy, here’s to you. You are about to turn 33, and it will be a great year. You will see the hand of God move mountains this year, in ways you never expected. Life will change, but it will be in such a way that you’ll know it’s supposed to, and that it will be okay. 33 will bring you new challenges, new hopes, new dreams, and new visions, and you’ll learn greater ways to rely on God…You’ll see Him do unexpected things. Don’t try to figure out what He’s up to…just take the steps one by one, and watch the dance that He leads you on, come together. Don’t wait to be happy…find your “happy,” each second of the day. As you know, it will be “all right” in the end, so celebrate it all.

That’s my speech to myself. 33 is just a number. It’s another page to turn, and I have a lot more to go. Getting tripped up over something as silly as a birthday (that won’t even be here for a few more weeks) is nonsense, and I know better. I also know it belies other issues, and sorting it out, blog-style, has helped me get a handle on what’s REALLY going on here. His plan does not go along with THE PLAN, aka, MY PLAN. No, there’s no Master’s in English with a white picket fence and my 2.2 kids with their cat (at this point). What I DO have…what God has given me…is so much better. It’s where He wants me, right now, in this time, and that’s where I truly do want to be. That’s my heart’s desire—to be where He wants me. Everything else is just…well, everything else.

I’m going to stop dreading this birthday. I’m going to celebrate it, darn it. God has lots in store for me, and I’m going to live it all out. ‘Cause I can. ‘Cause He said so….and He. Is. Good.