The Women's Retreat Blog...Deliverance via Karaoke

I'm a really good actress. No, I mean, REALLY. Because, if someone were to describe me, one of the very first things they would generally say, is that I'm "outgoing." This weekend, someone used the term "boisterous," and I believe "bubbly" was used once or twice.



It's all lies, people, I tell you.



I'm a closet introvert (don't laugh!). I actually like my peace and quiet, and have hermit-like tendencies during the week. I like to come home to my quiet house, dance in my living room, and go on outings alone. When I know I'm about to be in a large group of strangers, I fight nauseating nerves...if I have a solo, I'm struggling not to vomit at a microphone. I like being on a worship team as a backup singer because (wait for it), I'm a BACKUP SINGER. I'm pretty sure no one would ever guess this, and the few times I've admitted it, people have laughed at me in disbelief. I tell you, it's true.



Inside of me, there's a person sitting in the corner with a blanket over her head, praying that someone asks her to dance, yet who is too afraid to do so, once they've held out their hand to her.



I am a chicken.



Many times in my life, I've been in public situations, and have literally felt like my insides were falling out. The only way, it seems, to calm the nerves, is to suck it up, and stick my neck out. I feel like I have to either speak up, stand up, stand out, reach out, or do SOMETHING, because otherwise, the anticipation is going to kill me. I have to silence the nerves and go introduce myself--not for the sake of reaching out to a stranger, but for the totally selfish purpose of quieting the inner monologue that is telling me things are just not right. So, I speak out...I speak up. I share opinions, and believe me, there's plenty of times where I've wished I would have listened to my inner hermit and kept quiet!!! Am I even making any sense here?



You get the point: My "outgoing" personality is all a lie, and I'm secretly a wallflower.



The "problem" is that God didn't make me to be a wallflower, and He constantly puts me in situations where I simply cannot BE a wallflower--I have to come out of my shell. I have no idea why He does this, but hey, I'm just along for the ride, right?!?



I went on a women's retreat this past weekend, and I was petrified. Here I was, about to embark on this weekend with a bunch of women I barely knew (special thanks to Hannah Preston for being my roomie and my security blanket), and I was convinced that the weekend was going to be all about homemaking, how to be a Godlier wife, why I wasn't a Godlier wife, forced methods of bonding and communication, how to knit a blanket, why I should quit my job, and why I should eliminate half of my vocabulary. I just knew the speaker would be an older woman with a perfect life, and 2.5 kids, a long-standing marriage, and a cat. I was quite sure I'd learn a thing or two, but that my inner sarcastic punk would win out, and that I'd learn more hiking the trails on my own, than I would in a meeting hall. (Oh, that inner sarcastic punk! She has such issues!). I had also been informed that karaoke would be happening at some point, and that I was "expected" to participate.



Sidebar--did I mention that when I got to the retreat center Friday night, I realized I'd forgotten half of my clothes, and all of my shoes? All I had with me were my work shoes, and my Vibram Five Finger hiking shoes. I also had a pair of workout capris, a stained T-shirt, and 2 outfits that were not designed to be worn with toe-shoes. Not only was I nervous facing the weekend; I was now badly dressed with highly noticable silly shoes that clashed with EVERYTHING. I felt like a wreck. These are people that normally only see me on a Sunday morning, looking somewhat collected and coordinated! I looked awful! All weekend! And now I had to step on stage--in front of everyone?!?



Mind you, the organizer of the retreat is a woman I HIGHLY respect and love. I also know not to cross her--if she asks you to do something, you'd probably better do it, because you'll find yourself doing it one way or another. But karaoke? Would I get to rehearse? What would I sing? Would I look stupid? All of these women are going to think I'm retarded! No one will think I can sing--I stink!!! (Note--I'd only done karaoke one other time in my life, on a cruse, with my mom, where I only knew 4 people, and we were all related. That's a safe audience!). Every time the subject would come up, I'd get nauseous. I was terrified.



The retreat started on Friday night, and all day Saturday, I prayed that I'd hear something from the Lord. I'd gone on a nature hike, sat and talked with a few girls, took a nap, and though I got a few things, nothing was really blowing my mind. And since the dreaded karaoke was fast approaching, I was starting to wonder if this whole weekend was a wash? Why was I here? I've lost my stinkin' mind. God--I need something.



The organizer said something on Saturday night about expecting something fabulous from Cassidy Cooley and then something else about karaoke in the same sentence, and I literally had to go outside for air. (Just a note--with all honesty, she'd brought it up before, and I never gave her the slightest inclination that the mere thought of karaoke made my stomach film inside-out. She had no idea. Had she known, she would have never intentionally made me feel that uncomfortable, as she's an awesome lady. I was too shy to say anything, and figured I'd muddle through and cry later, LOL!) Upon returning, my "Mother Hen" (LOL--small group leader) said our team would be performing, and that we'd have to do something that I would most likely carry.



That. Did. It.



I honestly threw back my head, and laughed. It was the last straw--God had something to say to me this weekend, all right. He'd been trying to get through to me, and it took the prospect of public humiliation to do it. Why am I so afraid to look silly? Why am I so afraid to be different, or to stick out? Why am I so afraid to go up front, to speak out, to stand up? Why am I so afraid of _____? Fill-in-the-blank, because it seems over the last few years, I've really struggled with a lot of irrational fears that I should be trusting Him with. From the silly shoes, to the karaoke, I felt God say to me "You never look silly to Me. You only look beautiful. Never be afraid of looking stupid when you're doing what I've called you to do." All of my silly fears--from looking dumb, to singing badly, to dancing like I have Tourette's, to sticking my foot in my mouth...to holding back in worship, to not saying things when He tells me to say them, to not grabbing a person and hugging them when He lays it on my heart...to not giving a word when He gives it to me, to not living out the gifts He's planted in me, to not ever feeling good enough, to being afraid to wear the mantle He's placed on me...to trusting Him with life and death, and everything in between...what am I afraid of?



He has plans to prosper us...plans to give us a hope and a future, plans He says in Jeremiah 29:11. Our God--my God--is awfully fond of me, He says.



I dropped my gloves, threw down my pride, and wound up having the craziest, best time that I've had in years. These women, these hilarious women of God, can throw a party, and they were gracious enough to invite me along. We karaoked, danced, spun, jumped, and ate...we celebrated and fellowshiped, and I tell you, God broke something in me, and He used karaoke to do it. I guess if that's what it takes, that's what it takes!!!! He has a unique approach with me, I suppose. I feel like I made a lot of new friends, saw a whole new side to people I thought I knew, and gained an entirely new respect and love for these women. They truly blessed me with their shared silliness!!!! (And yes, there's video. I kinda can't wait to see it, because I know it's blackmail-worthy. But I bet it's HILARIOUS!)



I came back from that retreat a little bit different. God dropped a lot of information on me, and gave me a few promises along the way--which are things I will ponder in my heart, and not on my blog, LOL! I feel like in the process of shedding some serious inhibitions, that some walls were knocked down that were holding me back. I have a new thankfulness in my heart, and a new joy, a deeper joy (I'm usually a pretty joyful person, I think, but some sarcasm and bitterness were starting to creep in). I feel like there's a crazy new freedom (someone used the phrase "crazy chickens" this weekend, and I love it!) flying inside of me, and I'm so ready for it to hit...I'm ready to free-fall, and just trust that it will be okay. I may look stupid more often than not, but it's fine. It's temporary, and He's not. He's eternal.



Over the last few weeks, I've had some lessons on thankfulness...on picking my battles...on not stepping into "obligatory" vortexes of emotion...and now, on freedom, joy, boldness, and trust. I don't know what He's doing, but He's releasing some things, and it's time for me to move forward in a whole new way...



It's time to crank up the karaoke.